Speaking NONconfrontationally

[Mia62]

I need help, please.

There are some things that I need to say to someone without getting their knickers in a perpetual twist, which is usually what happens. Saying "hello" always has the possibility of misconstrued into "F-off".

I would also like to be able to make them aware of the things that they say to me that automatically put me into defense mode. Quite often, I will repeat those things back to this person and they say that it was never said...or vice-versa (after all, no matter how much I want to be, I am not perfect).

How do you say things in order to reach a mutually agreeable end without pissing someone off first? Is there a certain language that I should learn? Are there tried and true phrases that never fail???? Help???

 

[Guest]

 

[Mia62]

Tone/facial

True. But what if I want to do it in writing so as to make sure that I don't make an error with tone or facial?

 

[Nora]

If someone's that touchy about everything you say, then no. There's not.

There are people who don't want to make things more bearable. It's just the way they are. They look for confrontation and get it cuz it's what they want. They're comfortable with the way things are. You can't change them.

You're more than welcome to try, but don't be surprised if you get kicked in the teeth for your trouble.

 

[Guest]

 

[Mia62]

Thanks, Nora, and in this case you may be right.

I am just trying to say some things that need to be said without the constant verbal warfare.

Hanns...I don't think I can use smilies in this one. I wish that would work, tho. Thanks.

 

[Nora]

The problem is, even though YOU wanna change it, the other party's likely not amenable to it. People (myself included) hold their grudges close to the heart.

You can say what you wanna say, get it off your chest, but you'll likely just be providing them more ammunition.

 

[Mia62]

You can say what you wanna say, get it off your chest, but you'll likely just be providing them more ammunition.

ARRGG

Some of these things have to be said, tho.

 

[Nora]

Then give it a whirl. Temper what you're saying with humor, self-depricating might work. State clearly why you wanna say what you wanna say, then state clearly what it is you're saying.

Good luck, sugah. You're gonna need it.

 

[CatEyes]

Maybe you need to explain why those things put you in defense mode and how they could go about saying the same thing in a way that it wouldn't.

 

[HeavyStick]

I better not get a PM from her. ;-)

 

[Mia62]

I think I may need MORE than luck.

Yikes, Cat, it isn't the putting of me in defense mode in this circumstance that I am most concerned with!

 

[Mia62]

I better not get a PM from her. ;-)

No...but YOU may want to check your offline messages. ;-)

 

[MissTaken]

Then give it a whirl. Temper what you're saying with humor, self-depricating might work. State clearly why you wanna say what you wanna say, then state clearly what it is you're saying.

Good luck, sugah. You're gonna need it.

Well, there is some truth here.

While it isn't self depricating, sometimes prefacing things by saying, "Maybe it is my issue, but....." helps.

It allows the other person to share responsibility rather than become defensive.

Secondly, writing down what you want to say and only saying those things, can help. Don't let the other person carry you into unknown territory. When they start to, "Nevertheless....I feel..."

or "Regardless, this is about...." can keep the conversation focussed.

Lastly, when all else fails, forget it and understand that this person just doesn't want to make things work.

It happens.

 

[Mia62]

While it isn't self depricating, sometimes prefacing things by saying, "Maybe it is my issue, but....." helps.

It allows the other person to share responsibility rather than become defensive.

Secondly, writing down what you want to say and only saying those things, can help. Don't let the other person carry you into unknown territory. When they start to, "Nevertheless....I feel..."

or "Regardless, this is about...." can keep the conversation focussed.

*Engraving these on my arm.*

 

[MissTaken]

*Engraving these on my arm.*

That might hurt a bit, lady!

A match book would do

 

[CatEyes]

I think I may need MORE than luck.

Yikes, Cat, it isn't the putting of me in defense mode in this circumstance that I am most concerned with!

Guess I misunderstood, I thought you said you wanted to tell them about things they say that put you on defensive mode.

Pick a time when they're really mellow and then choose your words carefully. Same as you might get in defensive mode when something is said to you in a certain way that applies to them also. It's not easy, you have to really be able to read the person. You could know someone for years and not be able to do that.

 

[Mia62]

It's not easy, you have to really be able to read the person. You could know someone for years and not be able to do that.

Ohh, baby...you have no idea how true that is.

And you didn't totally misunderstand. I have to tell them about that too...but first, there are some things that I have to inform them about.

 

[Mia62]

I am starting to wonder where I put my Dale Carnegie - How To Win Friends and Influence People manual.

 

[JazzManJim]

The first thing I'd do is to say, right up front, that I want to patch up the rift between me and that person, but in order to do it, I have to say some things. I don't intend for those things to cause a greater rift, but I need to say them and they need to be heard.

Then say what you have to say. They'll either accept it or they won't.