Something heavy on your heart or mind? Let it out here...

[carsonshepherd]

How about some shredded wheat? I hear horsies like that.

I gotta go.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I gotta go.

Quick, someone take him walkies before he floods the place!

Shanglan

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

Help

 

[rikaaim]

Sorry. That just happens to be hysterical coming from a giant dog

That said, Carson is, of course, entirely right. He nearly always is. Nothing kills the libido faster than a sense of being badgered (my the animals are out in force today) for sexual favors.

The ghost of Tieresias came to me in my sleep and asked, "how does he know he's not satisfying her?" I confessed not to know, and Tieresias gave me one of those cryptic little winks. Bastard. He's a real tease.

At any rate, my guess as to what he meant: are you speaking, rikaaim, of orgasm on her part, or of enunciated complaints about her pleasure in things? As good Tieresias reminded me, I think I've heard that the relative norm is that most women have difficulty achieving orgasm through penetration alone. If that's what you're taking as a sign of failure, then the problem is not endowment but focus.

If, on the other hand, you're getting complaints, then work on coaxing, gently, a belief that complaints are well-received and gently taken if they come with a word or two of specific advice.

Hungry. Sleepy. Carson, I want some of your potato casserole stuff.

Shanglan

Penetration soley is the problem. I used to be able to do it without problems, but then life happens. At those carefree easy times, we were teenagers who saw each other once a week. Passion was new and a fire broilded at all times. Now we are married, bills, work, have to clean the house, different things happen to take away some of that fire. I completely understand the advice, and I do go slow. I never hound. Sometimes I get a bit excited and move to fast. I've been working on that, slowing down and just enjoying whatever happens. If it's intense and earth shattering so be it. If it's gentle and just slowly dies, I'm trying to enjoy that to. It's all about being with the person. I'm trying to enjoy that more and more. Again, that stems from my long isolation.

 

[Guest]

Penetration soley is the problem. I used to be able to do it without problems, but then life happens. At those carefree easy times, we were teenagers who saw each other once a week. Passion was new and a fire broilded at all times. Now we are married, bills, work, have to clean the house, different things happen to take away some of that fire. I completely understand the advice, and I do go slow. I never hound. Sometimes I get a bit excited and move to fast. I've been working on that, slowing down and just enjoying whatever happens. If it's intense and earth shattering so be it. If it's gentle and just slowly dies, I'm trying to enjoy that to. It's all about being with the person. I'm trying to enjoy that more and more. Again, that stems from my long isolation.

You're young. Shouldn't you have more energy than 30-somethings???

Hubby and I, two young kids, full-time careers, grad school, messy house (which stays cluttered, by the way. It just isn't as important as our time together as a family.)

Find the time. You cook the dinner and do dishes on a Friday night. Put the kids to bed yourself and tell your wife she has time to herself if she wishes. DON'T mention this to be a prelude to sex, by the way. This is for her. Maybe she can take a long bath, have a glass of wine, give herself a facial, read a book, and just RELAX!!!

I read about how it isn't that wives always lose their libido after having kids, it's because they are so exhausted at the end of the day. Sex just becomes a way to satisy hubby - another chore. She needs help.

AND - if you *ahem* orgasm too quickly, then a couple of drinks should slow you down. OR take matters in hand yourself earlier in the day so you can last longer for her that evening.

If you make sex welcoming and enjoyable and worry-free she'll wind up chasing you.

 

[carsonshepherd]

You're young. Shouldn't you have more energy than 30-somethings???

Hubby and I, two young kids, full-time careers, grad school, messy house (which stays cluttered, by the way. It just isn't as important as our time together as a family.)

Find the time. You cook the dinner and do dishes on a Friday night. Put the kids to bed yourself and tell your wife she has time to herself if she wishes. DON'T mention this to be a prelude to sex, by the way. This is for her. Maybe she can take a long bath, have a glass of wine, give herself a facial, read a book, and just RELAX!!!

I read about how it isn't that wives always lose their libido after having kids, it's because they are so exhausted at the end of the day. Sex just becomes a way to satisy hubby - another chore. She needs help.

AND - if you *ahem* orgasm too quickly, then a couple of drinks should slow you down. OR take matters in hand yourself earlier in the day so you can last longer for her that evening.

If you make sex welcoming and enjoyable and worry-free she'll wind up chasing you.

Let us now all bow down and worship sweetsubsarah. You have been elevated from Anal Queen (see my PC) to Goddess.

Her husband shall have our everlasting envy. (And hell... I'm gay...)

 

[rikaaim]

You're young. Shouldn't you have more energy than 30-somethings???

Hubby and I, two young kids, full-time careers, grad school, messy house (which stays cluttered, by the way. It just isn't as important as our time together as a family.)

Find the time. You cook the dinner and do dishes on a Friday night. Put the kids to bed yourself and tell your wife she has time to herself if she wishes. DON'T mention this to be a prelude to sex, by the way. This is for her. Maybe she can take a long bath, have a glass of wine, give herself a facial, read a book, and just RELAX!!!

I read about how it isn't that wives always lose their libido after having kids, it's because they are so exhausted at the end of the day. Sex just becomes a way to satisy hubby - another chore. She needs help.

AND - if you *ahem* orgasm too quickly, then a couple of drinks should slow you down. OR take matters in hand yourself earlier in the day so you can last longer for her that evening.

If you make sex welcoming and enjoyable and worry-free she'll wind up chasing you.

She is kicking me off of the computer right now, she is being very very mean, teasing my good spots. Oh now she's getting EVIL!!! She's going to tickle me. AHHH!!! I have to go. bye.

 

[Guest]

Let us now all bow down and worship sweetsubsarah. You have been elevated from Anal Queen (see my PC) to Goddess.

Her husband shall have our everlasting envy. (And hell... I'm gay...)

OK, now I'm blushing.

Thank you, carson.

 

[rikaaim]

OK, now I'm blushing.

Thank you, carson.

Okay, I can reply more appropiately. I think my biggest problem honestly is me. For some reason I seem to hate myself and never think I'm good enough, at anything. Thanks mom. Thanks dad. Thanks grandpa. Although these people are part of my life, the fucked me up. Seriously. I won't go into detail here, but I'm still trying to work things out. That's what gets me so angry. I THOUGHT I DID! I thought to pain was gone, the hurt healed, the memories faded. WHY IN THE HELL MUST THEY COME BACK NOW!!! I have friends, school, a job. It's all rewarding. So Go Away. I don't need this pain, but I can't get rid of it. Too often it comes back, like an alocoholic and his drink. It seems safe. The pain. I know the pain, but the love scares me. I never knew love. Only hurt. She fills me with so much love, that I don't think I can live up to her. She has told me before to take her off of that pedistal in my mind. She's not perfect, but to me she is, and I let her down.

 

[rikaaim]

I don't mean to sound bitter and mad all the time. I'm sure you can tell for the most part I am a very happy person. That's what gets me. How can I be so happy, but when it comes to being intimate and one with the only person I truly care about, I close up? Again and again I close up. I think I'm going to let her down. I tell you what I need to do. I need to fucking tell my parents what they did to me. My dad is an alocoholic recoverer and his brain cells have shrunk from all the drink. He would go through 120 ounces of beer a night. Every night. My mom is messing with me now and it's hard to talk to her. She is currently going into the hospital psyche ward for rehabilitation. My dad knows he did something wrong and said he was sorry, but he can't remember all of it. So, I said I forgive him. I should have been over, but that part keeps coming back. If I tell him exactly, then it may jeopordize the good thing we have now. How can I just let it go? Without hurting anybody?

 

[carsonshepherd]

It sounds like what you need to do, friend, is seek some professional help to talk about these problems and decide how to proceed with your family issues. There are free groups for adult children of alcoholics and abusers. There are low-cost or sliding-scale counsellors available. Reach out and talk to someone who can help you.

Best of luck.

 

[Guest]

Excellent advice from Carson -

This is also an opportunity for you to utilize your church family.

Many churches are filled with loving, caring people who want to provide emotional, spiritual, financial, etc. help for people in need.

Talk to those around you - you need real life people to help you through some of these issues.

 

[rikaaim]

It sounds like what you need to do, friend, is seek some professional help to talk about these problems and decide how to proceed with your family issues. There are free groups for adult children of alcoholics and abusers. There are low-cost or sliding-scale counsellors available. Reach out and talk to someone who can help you.

Best of luck.

It's hard to admit that because my family history has so many problems. I want to be the one to break the vicious cycle. To stop being the abuser. To be the one not to beat his kids. Not to molest. If you saw me about 5 years ago, you wouldn't believe I am the same person. I know who I am, I just struggle with the demons sometimes. In the end, I shall win. I have God and my love on my side. Time does heal all wounds, I just need a little bit more of it. To speak and let it out helps bunches. To be free to say what I need to. To let others know. So I'm not alone anymore. I can't be alone anymore. My pain is not a secret, someone knows now. Someone always did, but it felt dimished. Other people have pain much deeper than mine, but does that make mine less important? No. It just makes it different. I strive so much to help others, but still find sometimes, just sometimes, I need to break down and let it out. Once we crumble to our basest selves, we can reasses, and rebuild. Rebuild to be who we want to be. We start out empty, then fill ourselves how we want. I didn't like who I was and totally stripped me of that person to rebuild. I tell you, when you tear yourself down to the point where you don't even know who you are, it's scary, but then hope comes back. Because then you can become who you wanted. I know who I want to be, and I know who I am.

 

[BlackShanglan]

She's not perfect, but to me she is, and I let her down.

For her sake as well as your own, however, you must fight this little voice, or at the very least keep it strictly to yourself. Why? Because indulgence in the misery of one's own failure is still a form of self-indulgence. You are still focused on your own sense of trouble instead of on your partner's happiness.

Do also consider that her goals are likely to be similar to yours. You say that you want to make her happy; undoubtedly she wants to make you happy as well. Recognize that one great favor you can do her is to be happy. Focus too long on your own unhappiness at not pleasing her, and your very unhappiness will be that thing that fails to please her. She, like you, wants a happy partner; she, like you, will be discouraged if she feels that she cannot please you. Focus on communicating happiness and joy in her.

Shanglan

 

[Guest]

For her sake as well as your own, however, you must fight this little voice, or at the very least keep it strictly to yourself. Why? Because indulgence in the misery of one's own failure is still a form of self-indulgence. You are still focused on your own sense of trouble instead of on your partner's happiness.

Do also consider that her goals are likely to be similar to yours. You say that you want to make her happy; undoubtedly she wants to make you happy as well. Recognize that one great favor you can do her is to be happy. Focus too long on your own unhappiness at not pleasing her, and your very unhappiness will be that thing that fails to please her. She, like you, wants a happy partner; she, like you, will be discouraged if she feels that she cannot please you. Focus on communicating happiness and joy in her.

Shanglan

Brilliant advice.

Lou

 

[rikaaim]

Brilliant advice.

Lou

Yeah. By talking it out, and working it out a bit, I can get a better sense of what's really wrong. I'm not really angry or hurt, but scared. Scared to let her in. I can see that and deal with it better. I feel better already really. Oh, I don't really like looking at myself, so any positive about my AV would be nice. Or I'll take it down. Nah, I don't think I'll do that. It's just wierd. I do hope to have my first story submitted next week. I'll fix a few flaws and send it in. Anyone who reads it and leaves feedback, I would appreciate it. Look for it next weekend, and I'll do a shameless plug then also. I'm not so worried anymore. Just quiet little fears that make no sense. So, I say to them. Bye Bye. *goes to finally jump his wife with all those ice cream toppings.*

 

[BlackShanglan]

We'll wait as long as you like, so long as you AV maintains its fetching come-hither pose

Shanglan

 

[Guest]

Yeah. By talking it out, and working it out a bit, I can get a better sense of what's really wrong. I'm not really angry or hurt, but scared. Scared to let her in. I can see that and deal with it better. I feel better already really. Oh, I don't really like looking at myself, so any positive about my AV would be nice. Or I'll take it down. Nah, I don't think I'll do that. It's just wierd. I do hope to have my first story submitted next week. I'll fix a few flaws and send it in. Anyone who reads it and leaves feedback, I would appreciate it. Look for it next weekend, and I'll do a shameless plug then also. I'm not so worried anymore. Just quiet little fears that make no sense. So, I say to them. Bye Bye. *goes to finally jump his wife with all those ice cream toppings.*

All the best to you! You seem to have a very good heart, believe in yourself and you'll do fine.

We shouldn't need reassurance from others, but it helps - and do I know that!?

Leave your AV, I like it! It's always great to see the real person behind the words, so don't feel embarrassed or anything like that - it's you, be proud. I always use AVs of myself, for example - partly because I wouldn't know how to represent myself otherwise. What you see is what you get, seems the same goes for you.

Lou

 

[rikaaim]

All the best to you! You seem to have a very good heart, believe in yourself and you'll do fine.

We shouldn't need reassurance from others, but it helps - and do I know that!?

Leave your AV, I like it! It's always great to see the real person behind the words, so don't feel embarrassed or anything like that - it's you, be proud. I always use AVs of myself, for example - partly because I wouldn't know how to represent myself otherwise. What you see is what you get, seems the same goes for you.

Lou

Yeah, sometimes I just get scared and get in a mood. This whole week has been like that. I really am a happy person, but working through a few intamacy problems. Not knowing anyone else, I often think about what might have been... But then I see what is and know things can't get any better. I have a perfect life for me. I'm going to start enjoying it more.

 

[rikaaim]

Lou, I just want to say, I think you're great. A lot of people here are great. I'm glad to be here.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Lou, I just want to say, I think you're great. A lot of people here are great. I'm glad to be here.

Yes, they are aren't they? Always ready to lend an ear, or, ahem, a hand. And your AV is cuuuuuuute. Awww!

 

[rikaaim]

And your AV is cuuuuuuute. Awww!

BASTARD!!! Take it back. I am hideous. Like a creature from the swamplands. Okay, a cute hideous creature from a the cute part of the swamplands.