So, Virginity...

[TortureMeSoftly]

I wish I could just find a Master and completely and fully give all that I am to him, but I am afraid that to go straight from nearly 100% pure and virginal to a BDSM lifestyle would be too daunting and would permanently alter my psyche. There is no doubt in my mind that I am sexually submissive.
So, I am not sure what steps to take. Suppose I do find a man I approve of and want to be with, but he find this... dirty, and undeniable part of myself intolerable? Is it possible to be in a happy, and somewhat vanilla relationship with a Dom that is content not to be 24/7? Won't that dominance leak into our personal lives as well? I have been... enjoying BDSM and bondage erotica for 2 years now, but as life starts to progress, I am needing some advice. And this isn't really the kind of thing I would bring up with my girlfriends at book club or at work. Any thoughts?

 

[Bramblethorn]

I wish I could just find a Master and completely and fully give all that I am to him, but I am afraid that to go straight from nearly 100% pure and virginal to a BDSM lifestyle would be too daunting and would permanently alter my psyche. There is no doubt in my mind that I am sexually submissive.
So, I am not sure what steps to take. Suppose I do find a man I approve of and want to be with, but he find this... dirty, and undeniable part of myself intolerable? Is it possible to be in a happy, and somewhat vanilla relationship with a Dom that is content not to be 24/7? Won't that dominance leak into our personal lives as well? I have been... enjoying BDSM and bondage erotica for 2 years now, but as life starts to progress, I am needing some advice. And this isn't really the kind of thing I would bring up with my girlfriends at book club or at work. Any thoughts?

If vanilla is white and 24/7 "total power exchange" BDSM is black... well, there are at least fifty shades in between those extremes. If you want a mostly-vanilla relationship with a guy who occasionally ties you up and spanks you, and treats you like an equal the rest of the time, there are plenty of people who are into that. If anything, I suspect that's more common than the 24/7 arrangements that are so popular in BDSM fiction.

Pimping my own work: my story "Stringed Instrument", available via link in my sig, is about a relationship that has elements of BDSM but isn't dominated by those elements. Although it's fiction, the BDSM aspect of it is heavily influenced by RL experience.

edit: bah, misread some of the OP, thought you were talking about you wanting to be in something less than 24/7, not your prospective partner. Doh!

 

[Ruby_Atom]

If vanilla is white and 24/7 "total power exchange" BDSM is black... well, there are at least fifty shades in between those extremes.

I see what you did there

 

[JustADom]

I wouldn't recommend it... because as you said, it could alter your psych, yes even permanently, especially if you're young. See, when you're young, your brain is still developing, your brain is still elastic and plastic, which means that the sexual experiences that you experience now will actually mold and shape your sexual preference in the future. Think about it. That could actually be pretty scary.

When you're in your 20s, your brain is going through massive changes. You still don't know what your true preferences are, because they are still actively changing. You are still being largely influenced by experiences and the kind of relationship that you get into and so forth.

So, for now just get into a "normal" relationship, and try them for a while. Then you will start to figure out what you like or don't like or who you really are or are not. You will be influenced by the kind of relationships that you get into and the kind of sex that you have. Again, think about that for a while.

There's nothing wrong with vanilla, it's not "boring", it BECAME boring because of your interest in BDSM. It was not boring at start, in fact it's normal.

Is there something that is (spiritually) missing in your life... you might want to start asking these kinds of questions before you attempt to solve some problems with BDSM, because BDSM can easily become an escapist solution to a problem. What seemed like a good idea could turn out to be a black hole of emptiness later in life.

I was more influenced by BDSM than the other way around... and not necessarily in a good way. I don't think that I was INTO this before, in fact I was repulsed and disgusted by it. It has actually shaped my sexual preference and consciousness in a way. See... I think that it can actually be kind of scary, to think about it that way.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I wish I could just find a Master and completely and fully give all that I am to him, but I am afraid that to go straight from nearly 100% pure and virginal to a BDSM lifestyle would be too daunting and would permanently alter my psyche. There is no doubt in my mind that I am sexually submissive.

I'm lazy, and wouldn't likely type out your full screenname, but rather reduce it to initials: TMS, which brings to my mind "Too Much" ... Sexuality? Submission? Surrender? Pick your completion...

On a more serious note, there's this statement: "I am afraid that to go straight from nearly 100% pure and virginal to a BDSM lifestyle would be too daunting and would permanently alter my psyche." It would almost certainly alter your psyche; whether that/those alteration/s would be harmful or fulfilling is a question to be answered at a later date. IMNSHO, though we don't know your age, we can and must presume it to be around 20 or early twenties, since you say you've been "enjoying BDSM and bondage erotica for 2 years now," and we all know that no one under the age of 18 would lie about their age to read erotica online! Therefore, *my* recommendation, especially given that you describe yourself as "nearly 100% pure and virginal," would be that you take steps to meet members of the sex(es) that appeal(s) to you and begin relationships with some of them, beginning with acquaintances/friendships and building into more intimate relationships, some of which may eventually incorporate elements of BDSM. You do, after all, presumably have a *lot* of years ahead of you in which to find THE right one(s) for *you.* [Look up and listen to Kacey Musgraves' "Follow Your Arrow."]

So, I am not sure what steps to take. Suppose I do find a man I approve of and want to be with, but he find this... dirty, and undeniable part of myself intolerable? Is it possible to be in a happy, and somewhat vanilla relationship with a Dom that is content not to be 24/7? Won't that dominance leak into our personal lives as well? I have been... enjoying BDSM and bondage erotica for 2 years now, but as life starts to progress, I am needing some advice. And this isn't really the kind of thing I would bring up with my girlfriends at book club or at work. Any thoughts?

"... dirty, and undeniable part of myself ..." Dirty? Je ne c'est qua "dirty?" Need I beat you with a rubber chicken to make this point more clear?

As far as the question that follows that unacceptable term, it's possible to be in any type of relationship that two (or more) of you find possible. The odds are, however, that a man you approve of and want to be with for the long term is not going to find much about you to be "intolerable." That type will tend to weed himself out of your life as he gets semi-subliminal hints about your desire to be submissive, especially if you're a little "cute" about it and *give* him occasional hints, such as, if he says something that could be taken as being critical, walking over to him, facing away and bending over as you say coyly, "OHhhh, I should get a spanking for *that!*"

As for "leakage" into your personal lives, almost all aspects of your lives are going to seep over, at least a little, into the other aspects; the only real issue for most people is doing what they feel necessary to keep the *really* personal issues pretty much private to themselves.

Anyhoo: Welcome to BDSM Talk and the BDSM Café! Talk is intended for discussion of BDSM topics, questions, concerns and issues; the Café for discussion of damn near anything from the point of view of folk who live or are interested in BDSM - it's a bit more light-hearted in many areas.

 

[Netzach]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I do have some pretty big regrets from getting into a first, serious relationship that became untenable because he was vanilla and I'm not and I figured this out about 5 years in at 23. That hurt is real. It all wasn't just some "phase" - cute.

I'm here to say that "don't worry no guy will ever be repulsed by your desires if he loves you" is WRONG. WRONG. Guys can't help what they're into and you never know who's completely vanilla or also a sub if you don't have this conversation. You want to have this conversation, because this matters if it matters enough for you to ask this.

Find some OTHER virginal fumbler who's got a decent head on his shoulders and good attitudes about women but secretly always wanted to tie one up and spank her and blah.

I know "new to this" isn't ever hot for sub girls, but exploring the world together and figuring it out is a sexy thing. Far sexier than "O".

 

[gabriel16]

TortureMeSlowly

I see your note and desire for guidance, for advice. TURN ON YOUR private messages. Be well. G.

 

[CutieMouse]

I see your note and desire for guidance, for advice. TURN ON YOUR private messages. Be well. G.

OR

Keep PMs turned off for a bit, to create a boundary between yourself and the wolves at the door. I'm not saying the poster above is a wolf; however, public posting about being a young, virginal, inexperienced, etc girl tends to result in PM boxes full of requests, demands, and offers of "help" from people who may be looking for their next easy cybersex score.

To the OP -

Take the labels off things, and explore. Learn to say "I'm interested in X..." and see where things lead. Learn to talk about sex. Learn to be okay in your body. Learn to ask for what you want, and accept both "Hell yes!" and "Fuck no!" And realize that this sexual development stuff never really ends. (Says the woman in her 40s, still working through sexual development stuff. )

 

[welkin]

I see your note and desire for guidance, for advice. TURN ON YOUR private messages. Be well. G.

I wonder what advice must you give in private, instead of sharing here for all to benefit?


To OP: I get the feeling that you might be into 24/7 and are afraid your partner might be too vanilla for you. My advice is that do disclose your kinks, but also be receptive to those who are willing to experiment with you but who aren't into the 24/7 lifestyle that you crave. For all you know, bdsm play in reality can be very different from the erotic fantasies you have been reading, and after some real life experience you might end up deciding parts of it or all of it aren't right for you after all. Date, experiment, be cautious and be adventurous.

 

[Primalex]

permanently alter my psyche

This happened the last 20 years with your psyche and it didn't bother you.

 

[HussarVanburen]

I wish I could just find a Master and completely and fully give all that I am to him, but I am afraid that to go straight from nearly 100% pure and virginal to a BDSM lifestyle would be too daunting and would permanently alter my psyche. There is no doubt in my mind that I am sexually submissive.
So, I am not sure what steps to take. Suppose I do find a man I approve of and want to be with, but he find this... dirty, and undeniable part of myself intolerable? Is it possible to be in a happy, and somewhat vanilla relationship with a Dom that is content not to be 24/7? Won't that dominance leak into our personal lives as well? I have been... enjoying BDSM and bondage erotica for 2 years now, but as life starts to progress, I am needing some advice. And this isn't really the kind of thing I would bring up with my girlfriends at book club or at work. Any thoughts?

Find a man whom you love and serve him with all your mind, body, and soul. He will dominate you and you shall love his rulership. That is what you are meant for. Do not worry about the 'psychological effects'.

Be what a woman ought to be: A loving, adoring, submissive wife. Your virginity is proof of your virtue. Find a man who will value it and own you as you ought to be owned.

 

[knot_sweet]

Find a man whom you love and serve him with all your mind, body, and soul. He will dominate you and you shall love his rulership. That is what you are meant for. Do not worry about the 'psychological effects'.

Be what a woman ought to be: A loving, adoring, submissive wife. Your virginity is proof of your virtue. Find a man who will value it and own you as you ought to be owned.

there really needs to be a vomit smiley

 

[satindesire]

there really needs to be a vomit smiley

 

[satindesire]

I wish I could just find a Master and completely and fully give all that I am to him, but I am afraid that to go straight from nearly 100% pure and virginal to a BDSM lifestyle would be too daunting and would permanently alter my psyche. There is no doubt in my mind that I am sexually submissive.
So, I am not sure what steps to take. Suppose I do find a man I approve of and want to be with, but he find this... dirty, and undeniable part of myself intolerable? Is it possible to be in a happy, and somewhat vanilla relationship with a Dom that is content not to be 24/7? Won't that dominance leak into our personal lives as well? I have been... enjoying BDSM and bondage erotica for 2 years now, but as life starts to progress, I am needing some advice. And this isn't really the kind of thing I would bring up with my girlfriends at book club or at work. Any thoughts?

I came here back a few years ago almost a virgin and interested in BDSM. I have learned an awful lot since then...not only about myself, but about BDSM, how to live that lifestyle in a healthy way, and how to avoid getting hurt. Let me give you some tips based on my own experiences.

If you're really honest about this and not just someone whose looking for cyber partners, leave your IMs off for a little while. Guys are going to jump all over you looking for masturbation fodder. Also, people will PM you looking for a person that they can push into doing things that experienced girls are too wise to do. You'll get the usual fodder of "KNEEL BITCH!" and "You belong to me now because I said so!" and "If you don't do XYZ, you're not "a real submissive"." DO NOT FALL FOR THIS. Until you are in an actual relationship with an actual person that you actually know, you don't have to do anything anyone tells you to do. You are A submissive, not THEIR submissive, and regardless of what anyone says, you still own yourself--until YOU decide--and no one can "force" you to do anything that you do not decide yourself to do.

That being said, you have to take responsibility for your actions and be a rational, mature adult about them. Do not make bad choices that will end up hurting yourself or your future in a permanent way due to what one online horndog says you "have" to do. IE-Don't go to work with a buttplug and O-ring collar on because your "online" Dom thinks it's a hot wanky fantasy. If it feels wrong, always follow your gut. Don't think with your clit, think with your BRAIN first and foremost, always. And remember...YOU label YOURSELF. No one decides if you're submissive or not but you.

Predators are real and out there, and they WILL take advantage of you if you let them. Get a mentor...in person is best. Someone who is experienced and compassionate and patient, someone who you know isn't just offering to mentor you to get you in bed would do you a world of good. If you can find a female mentor who isn't sexually attracted to women, that would be ideal, because you can trust that she isn't grooming you to be her sexual partner. But in reality, that's not always feasible, so get involved in your local BDSM community and let the leaders know that you're new and looking for a mentor to help you cut your baby teeth in the lifestyle. Again, trust your gut...if a situation feels wrong, you MUST speak up about it and never ignore what your instincts tell you just because you were socially conditioned as a woman to "not rock the boat".

There are a few books that you can purchase cheaply on Amazon that I always recommend to newcomers, such as "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns", "When Someone You Love Is Kinky", "The New Topping Book" and "The New Bottoming Book". These are a wealth of information, explanations of common BDSM terms and insights that are incredibly valuable to inexperienced people.

In short, like any other subculture, it will take time to learn, and sites like Literotica are filled with friendly people that can teach you the things you wanted to know. I came here *mumblemumble* years ago and attribute the folks here with a good deal of my success at personal growth, because I found that I could come here and be myself and ask the questions I needed to ask when I had no one else.

Welcome to Lit.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

TMS, read and RE-read satin's post above.

She is a very old and wise soul in the body of a 27-year-old. Would that I had had *half* her wisdom when I was her age (a LONG freakin' time ago)!

 

[satindesire]

TMS, read and RE-read satin's post above.

She is a very old and wise soul in the body of a 27-year-old. Would that I had had *half* her wisdom when I was her age (a LONG freakin' time ago)!

I'm 29, but thank you suge.

 

[HussarVanburen]

there really needs to be a vomit smiley

I really do not care what degenerates and fools think. If you find something objectionable in my post, you are one or both of these things.

 

[satindesire]

I really do not care what degenerates and fools think. If you find something objectionable in my post, you are one or both of these things.

The only people that are "degenerates and fools" are the ones that think ALL women should be "loving, adoring, submissive wives." and that virginity is a "virtue".

Sex is not a moral issue. The concept of virginity is a throwback to archaic times where women were considered property instead of people, and means nothing in today's society where women are fighting for the right to be recognized as human beings.

And I'm not sorry to say that not all women are or "should be" submissive. Not all men are or "should be" dominant. To try and fit people into narrow, one-size-fits-all boxes that don't respect individual personalities, sexualities and desires is the kind of bigoted nonsense that doesn't work in reality.

The only degenerate and fool here, my shady little weasel, is you.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I'm 29, but thank you suge.

Damn, where did the last two years go???

 

[HussarVanburen]

The only people that are "degenerates and fools" are the ones that think ALL women should be "loving, adoring, submissive wives." and that virginity is a "virtue".

Sex is not a moral issue. The concept of virginity is a throwback to archaic times where women were considered property instead of people, and means nothing in today's society where women are fighting for the right to be recognized as human beings.

And I'm not sorry to say that not all women are or "should be" submissive. Not all men are or "should be" dominant. To try and fit people into narrow, one-size-fits-all boxes that don't respect individual personalities, sexualities and desires is the kind of bigoted nonsense that doesn't work in reality.

The only degenerate and fool here, my shady little weasel, is you.

Sex is not a moral issue? Ha. So it should be the only act between human beings...which is not a moral issue? To think, that something as intimate and meaningful as the sexual act should be...amoral, when something as simple as refusing to shake someone's hand can have moral weight in the proper context.

I am stunned by your ethical genius and bravery. To think, you stand so stalwart against the collective wisdom of the ages, striking down the "archaic" principles of the past to erect yours upon......well, I can't really see -what- upon, save some indignance. Oh, petulance as well. And nonsense pseudo-feminism. I say pseudo-feminism, by the way, as all the serious feminists were anti-sex.

It's amusing that you think that you elevate women by reducing them to the status of holes, and their bodies as clever substitutes for one's hand. By "liberating" woman from ownership, and reducing sex to merely an amoral act, you would have women be treated precisely as the mere satisfaction of desire that is in fact dehumanizing. Heaven forbid that a woman be cherished for her virtue and esteemed as one's own, so let us instead use her as something like a meat tube to get our rocks off.

 

[Netzach]

This is one of the better punkings I've seen, it's a good parody.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Paging John Norman, one of your characters seems to have escaped...

Sex is not a moral issue? Ha. So it should be the only act between human beings...which is not a moral issue? To think, that something as intimate and meaningful as the sexual act should be...amoral, when something as simple as refusing to shake someone's hand can have moral weight in the proper context.

Hm, can't tell whether you're deliberately misconstruing her or just oblivious to your own context.

In case it's the latter: you equated virginity to virtue, and that is the context of the reply. Like a handshake, a sexual act certainly can have moral weight. But if a woman showed up and said that shaking hands is the measure of a man's virtue, we'd laugh at her. Like we're laughing at you now.

I am stunned by your ethical genius and bravery. To think, you stand so stalwart against the collective wisdom of the ages, striking down the "archaic" principles of the past to erect yours upon......well, I can't really see -what- upon, save some indignance. Oh, petulance as well. And nonsense pseudo-feminism. I say pseudo-feminism, by the way, as all the serious feminists were anti-sex.

So glad we have an expert here to tell us who is and isn't a feminist.

 

[KoPilot]

Does this guy not understand that, like, there are nerve endings in and about vagina or what?

Women that have lost all feeling in their erogenous zones-- that's a new fetish to me.

 

[satindesire]

Damn, where did the last two years go???

I ate them. *burp!*

Sex is not a moral issue? Ha. So it should be the only act between human beings...which is not a moral issue? To think, that something as intimate and meaningful as the sexual act should be...amoral, when something as simple as refusing to shake someone's hand can have moral weight in the proper context.

I am stunned by your ethical genius and bravery. To think, you stand so stalwart against the collective wisdom of the ages, striking down the "archaic" principles of the past to erect yours upon......well, I can't really see -what- upon, save some indignance. Oh, petulance as well. And nonsense pseudo-feminism. I say pseudo-feminism, by the way, as all the serious feminists were anti-sex.

It's amusing that you think that you elevate women by reducing them to the status of holes, and their bodies as clever substitutes for one's hand. By "liberating" woman from ownership, and reducing sex to merely an amoral act, you would have women be treated precisely as the mere satisfaction of desire that is in fact dehumanizing. Heaven forbid that a woman be cherished for her virtue and esteemed as one's own, so let us instead use her as something like a meat tube to get our rocks off.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA*chokegasp*

HAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Oh lord. Oh Lordy lord lord.

You're a fucking lunatic.

Paging John Norman, one of your characters seems to have escaped...



Hm, can't tell whether you're deliberately misconstruing her or just oblivious to your own context.

In case it's the latter: you equated virginity to virtue, and that is the context of the reply. Like a handshake, a sexual act certainly can have moral weight. But if a woman showed up and said that shaking hands is the measure of a man's virtue, we'd laugh at her. Like we're laughing at you now.



So glad we have an expert here to tell us who is and isn't a feminist.

Because Thank God there was a MAN around to tell me what I believe, amirite?

 

[HussarVanburen]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA*chokegasp*

HAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Oh lord. Oh Lordy lord lord.

You're a fucking lunatic.

And you're an idiot twat. Of course, that was apparent from the start.