silly joke

[fond of facials]

A little girl asked her mother "Mom, how old are you?" Her mother snapped back at her "Haven't I told you it's not polite to ask a woman her age?" The little girl was telling her friend the story and her friend told her "You can find out anything you want about your mother from her driver's license". The next day, the daughter approached her mother "Mom, I know EVERYTHING about you." Her mother said "Like what?" "I know how old you are -- you're 38. I know you weight 137 pounds, and I know why Dad divorced you". "You do, do you? Well, tell me." The daughter looked at her mother with a sad face and said "Because you got an "F" in sex."

 

[LukkyKnight]

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance. The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal."

Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, "If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself, "If the fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter."

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is: A lot has to happen before the pussy gets wet.

 

[LukkyKnight]

I can't resist adding another.

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself in the Sea.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. "Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped an arm around her shoulder, winked at her and added I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they shagged furiously. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the Captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained, "I get to go to America, and in return he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the Captain replied, "This is the Tilbury-Gravesend ferry."

 

[just pet]

A man had two chipmunks as pets. He just loved them. They would sit up nights discussing Goethe and reading Proust by the fireplace. They were a merry crew.
Tragically, one day, one of his little buddies died. He and the remaining chipmunk were bereft. In fact, the little striped rodent was so heartbroken, that he died too.
The man was beside himself. He missed them terribly. He decided to have them stuffed and placed on his mantle to remember the good times.
He went to the Taxidermist and told him what he wanted.
"Do you want them mounted?", asked the Taxidermist
"No, thank you", replied the man, "just holding hands will be fine."

 

[LukkyKnight]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only ?20"

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam". "I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.

"Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?" says the parrot.