Show, don't tell. A tiny challenge.

[AG31]

I like to ponder what the writing style is of books I read. Not erotica, since I actually don't read a lot of that, but just books. Currently I'm reading a book from a series that I find engaging, but sort of flat. I've decided that it is an example of telling instead of showing. But I can't think how one would write it differently. Can you showers take a sentence or two and turn it into showing instead of telling?

Or perhaps I've mis-diagnosed the cause of the flatness?

The pale moonlight managed to just play off one of her pearl earrings. She'd put the pair on after our run. But who's noticing? She turned back to me, and her demeanor became serious. "This attack on the Fuentes family is frightening, Cal. Whoever's behind this might turn on you. I mean, you seem to be making more headway than the police. That won't go unnoticed."

I shrugged in false indifference. I was worried about that, too, but the death of Olivia Fuentes touched me deely. There would be no turning back. "Not much headway from where I sit," I responded. "I've uncovered some facts, but I can't see a pattern yet. It's frustrating."

She took my hand in both of hers and squeezed. "Be careful, okay?"

I nodded and started across the field with my dog, trying hard to ignore what had just happened. When her hands touched mine, I felt something unexpected, but this is no time for that, I told myself.

No Witness by Warren Easley

 

[NotWise]

The first sentence,

The pale moonlight managed to just play off one of her pearl earrings.

is a good example of showing rather than telling. There isn't much description in the rest of the passage.

The dialog seemed a little stilted to me. If that's representative, then I can see why it might seem flat.

 

[StillStunned]

I'll have a go. As @NotWise mentioned, the opening like works, but from then on it feels like someone's overedited it.
---
The pale moonlight managed to just play off one of her pearl earrings. She'd put the pair in after our run. But who's noticing? She turned back to me. "This attack on the Fuentes family is frightening, Cal." Her demeanour had changed, eyes and voice soft and serious now. "Whoever's behind this might turn on you. I mean, you seem to be making more headway than the police. That won't go unnoticed."

I shrugged, pretending an indifference I didn't feel. I was worried too, but Olivia Fuentes's death had touched me - touched me deeply. I couldn't turn back.

She didn't speak, just stood and looked at me, clearly wanting more of an answer.

"I don't know what to tell you," I said at last. "Not much headway from where I sit. I've uncovered some facts, but I can't see a pattern yet." I fought the urge to sigh. "It's frustrating."

She stepped closer, and took my hand in both of hers and squeezed. "Be careful, okay? Promise me that?"

I nodded and smiled. Pulling free, I turned away and started across the field with my dog bounding ahead. It took an effort to walk normally, to ignore the sudden surge of feeling that had swept through me when her hands touched mine. Now's not the time, I told myself firmly. You don't need this right now.

I almost managed to believe it.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

This doesn't sound over-telly at all to me. The dialogue is a little on the formal side for what seems to be an intimate relationship (probably husband/wife?) but nothing to take me out of the moment.

The real problem is here ...

She took my hand in both of hers and squeezed. "Be careful, okay?"

I nodded and started across the field with my dog, trying hard to ignore what had just happened. When her hands touched mine, I felt something unexpected, but this is no time for that, I told myself.

The tense is all over the place. She shook his hand and told him to be careful, and quite clearly then he started across the field with his dog. Then he remarks on the hand touch but it is written like she touched his hand again (like followed him across the field to touch his hand a second time) which doesn't make sense. Then on top of that, in the the last bit he jarringly jumps to the present.

Let me fix it ...

She took my hand in both of hers and squeezed. "Be careful, okay?"

I nodded and started across the field with my dog, trying hard to ignore what had just happened. When her hands had touched mine, I felt something unexpected, but I told myself that there was no time for that.

This was self-published I'm guessing? I find it hard to believe that a professional line editor for a proper paper press would let that pass. It's bad.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Yeah, the dialogue is a touch stiff. Other than that, this passage you linked isn't a great example of either showing or telling. There is some of both in the passage you linked and neither was done very well for my taste.

 

[Thanatos_X13]

I think the real issue is the scene has no sense of urgency, no tension, nothing propelling it forward. The characters are just speaking their thoughts and feelings out loud to each other. No one is withholding, no one is putting on a front, no one has an agenda or objective. The scene needed something to energize it.

As others said, dialogue's kinda boring/stiff, and there does seem to be a lot of telling when more showing is needed. Here are my assorted thoughts on that:

• "But who's noticing?" uhhh, you are? what is this supposed to tell us about either of these characters?
• "Her demeanor became serious" telling, not showing. what's her body language? her expression?
• "I shrugged in false indifference." telling. what does that even look like? how is it different from a regular shrug?

Telling is fine. Every author has to tell some things, and the balance of show and tell is where a lot of creative writing happens. This amount of telling might be fine in a broader context where there's a lot of showing otherwise, or we've already been shown these things previously. In isolation, it feels like too much tell.

 

[XerXesXu]

This doesn't sound over-telly at all to me. The dialogue is a little on the formal side for what seems to be an intimate relationship (probably husband/wife?) but nothing to take me out of the moment.

The real problem is here ...



The tense is all over the place. She shook his hand and told him to be careful, and quite clearly then he started across the field with his dog. Then he remarks on the hand touch but it is written like she touched his hand again (like followed him across the field to touch his hand a second time) which doesn't make sense. Then on top of that, in the the last bit he jarringly jumps to the present.

Let me fix it ...

She took my hand in both of hers and squeezed. "Be careful, okay?"

I nodded and started across the field with my dog, trying hard to ignore what had just happened. When her hands had touched mine, I felt something unexpected, but I told myself that there was no time for that.

This was self-published I'm guessing? I find it hard to believe that a professional line editor for a proper paper press would let that pass. It's bad.

Or: but, ‘This is no time for that’, I told myself.

 

[XerXesXu]

The scene is short on drama and personality. Inject a little of both:

Pale moonlight reflected faintly from her left pearl earring as she replaced it after our run. There was only my dog and I to notice. I have an eye for detail, and for a certain type of girl. She was the type I could find more companionable than Rex. We were still breathless and I followed silently as she strode ahead. She paused and turned abruptly; I almost bumped into her.

X came to the point. "This attack on the Fuentes family is frightening, Cal. Whoever's behind this might turn on you. I mean, you seem to be making more headway than the police. That won't go unnoticed."

Her concern for my safety, which I shared, gratified me, but I shrugged to create a smokescreen of indifference. The death of Olivia Fuentes had touched me deeply. This was personal, I wouldn’t let it pass.

"Not much headway from where I sit. I've uncovered some facts, but I can't see a pattern yet. It's frustrating."

Quite unexpectedly, she took my hand in both of hers and squeezed. "Be careful, okay?" I felt - something - but this was no time for that.

I nodded, then set off over the field with Rex, able to ignore her warning but not the frisson I felt when X's hands touched mine.

 

[AG31]

This was self-published I'm guessing? I find it hard to believe that a professional line editor for a proper paper press would let that pass. It's bad.

It's a relatively lengthy series available in the library until the last three books, which I could only find as e-books.

 

[mildlyaroused]

I wouldn't read this book, going off this excerpt, but I don't think the problem is that we're being told stuff. The problem is that we're being told so many things in such a bland way that it reads more like an objective summary of plot points and character motivations than a story.

It's difficult to redraft, because the author clearly wanted to get a lot of plot-critical information across. Now personally I would spread out these character motivations and plot points over the first chapter or so, but I'll try to redraft it without omitting any of the information the author wants to get across.

My version:

Her earrings swayed with each turn of her head. They glinted in the moonlight, not enough to be illuminated, but enough for me to make out their smooth, rounded shape. Pearls. She'd put them on after our run, as if she'd wanted someone to notice them. As if the evening was meant to be one of note.

She turned back to face me. “The attack on the Fuentes family scares me, Cal.” Her voice was low. “You know that, don’t you?”

“It scares me too.”

She bowed her head. Those pearls sparkled. “And you know the attacker’s still out there, don’t you?”

“Of course I know,” I said. I almost chuckled. “Why do you think I’m doing this? If the police won’t take it seriously, then I—”

“But that’s what I mean.” She looked up, and now her eyes were wide, round as her earrings. “Whoever did this, they’re dangerous. They’re still out there, and I’d bet they don’t want to be caught.” She paused to draw air. Her hands were knotted together at her waist. “You know what I’d bet?”

“What’s that?”

“I’d bet they’d do anything to silence someone who’s on their trail.”

This implication settled into the air between us. Again my eyes turned to her earrings: winking in the moonlight, swaying back and forth in the breeze. My stomach turned over. Olivia Fuentes had been found hanging from her rafters, in a blue dress and a pair of high heels. Her clothes were in evidence now, dirtied and torn; hardened by a swathe of dried blood.

“I haven’t got much of a scent yet,” I said. A pause. I looked into her face now. “But I will find it. Soon. I have to.”

She pursed her lips. Her hands knotted tighter together, so tightly I could not tell which fingers belonged to which hand.

“You know I have to,” I said. I stepped closer to her. “I can’t let the case go cold.”

She reached out and took my hands. There was sweat on her palms. “Be careful,” she said. “Olivia is dead. Don’t you join her.”

It was the best I could have hoped for. I held her hands for a moment longer, then I let go. I had to let go. Without another word, I turned and started off across the field. Grass reached up to my knees. I whistled, and Banjo came bounding across from his kennel. We didn’t look back.

This is by no means perfect. But the dynamic is more interesting (in my humble opinion), the language is more varied and descriptive, and things aren't spelled out to the audience quite so explicitly. It's longer - that's true - but I think that's worth it for the extra emotion and nuance.

 

[AG31]

The problem is that we're being told so many things in such a bland way that it reads more like an objective summary of plot points and character motivations than a story.

Thanks for putting into words something my brain had been circling around.

 

[Lifestyle66]

"Show, Don't Tell"???

It's a good thing I read through these posts before I posted a dick pic.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I wouldn't read this book, going off this excerpt, but I don't think the problem is that we're being told stuff. The problem is that we're being told so many things in such a bland way that it reads more like an objective summary of plot points and character motivations than a story.

That was my reaction too. The prose is very clunky.

The pale moonlight managed to just play off one of her pearl earrings.

How does moonlight "manage" to do anything? That's a human attribute. "Just play off..." - why are the words "play off" used? It's not golf. Why is the word "just" there? The only useful words are "pale moonlight" and "pearl earrings", but Vermeer, it certainly isn't.

She'd put the pair on after our run. But who's noticing?

The narrator, obviously.

I shrugged in false indifference. I was worried about that, too, but the death of Olivia Fuentes touched me deeply. There would be no turning back

What does "shrugged in false indifference" really mean? Shrugged usually means, meh; indifference also means, meh. But now it's "false"? Que?

Turning back from what? It sounds melodramatic, but there's no drama here. It's very ordinary writing, trying too hard to be something, even in the face of death.

 

[Britva415]

The first sentence, is a good example of showing rather than telling

Can you say how? It's telling what the earring looked like, but what is it showing?

Maybe the answer is as simple as "showing it's night without coming right out and saying so," but, is it showing something more?

 

[intim8]

The problem with this passage is not the telling. It's the telling badly, and in passive voice.

The pale moonlight managed to just play off one of her pearl earrings. She'd put the pair on after our run. But who's noticing? She turned back to me, and her demeanor became serious. "This attack on the Fuentes family is frightening, Cal. Whoever's behind this might turn on you. I mean, you seem to be making more headway than the police. That won't go unnoticed."

I shrugged in false indifference. I was worried about that, too, but the death of Olivia Fuentes touched me deely. There would be no turning back. "Not much headway from where I sit," I responded. "I've uncovered some facts, but I can't see a pattern yet. It's frustrating."

She took my hand in both of hers and squeezed. "Be careful, okay?"

I nodded and started across the field with my dog, trying hard to ignore what had just happened. When her hands touched mine, I felt something unexpected, but this is no time for that, I told myself.

Pale moonlight played fleetingly off her pearl earring. She'd put them on after our run, but who's noticing? Her look got serious when she turned back to me.

"This attack on the Fuentes family is frightening, Cal. Whoever's behind this might turn on you. I mean, you seem to be making more headway than the police. That won't go unnoticed."

I shrugged it off; a lie. I worried about that, too, but Olivia Fuentes' death touched me deeply. There would be no turning back. "Not much headway from where I sit," I said. "A lot of facts, but no pattern that I can see. It's frustrating."

She squeezed my hand in hers. "Be careful, okay?"

I nodded and led Fido across the field, trying to ignore what had just happened, but not forgetting her touch. I didn't expect the feeling. But this is no time for that, I told myself.

 

[Britva415]

The pale moonlight managed to just play off one of her pearl earrings. She'd put the pair on after our run. But who's noticing? She turned back to me, and her demeanor became serious. "This attack on the Fuentes family is frightening, Cal. Whoever's behind this might turn on you. I mean, you seem to be making more headway than the police. That won't go unnoticed."

I shrugged in false indifference. I was worried about that, too, but the death of Olivia Fuentes touched me deely. There would be no turning back. "Not much headway from where I sit," I responded. "I've uncovered some facts, but I can't see a pattern yet. It's frustrating."

She took my hand in both of hers and squeezed. "Be careful, okay?"

I nodded and started across the field with my dog, trying hard to ignore what had just happened. When her hands touched mine, I felt something unexpected, but this is no time for that, I told myself.

I think this is doing a lot of showing without telling. The content of this passage shows the guy likes the girl and that he's conflicted about it, yet it doesn't come right out and say any of that.

The last line comes pretty damn close to doing so, but still leaves it to the reader to read between the lines.

That's exactly what showing-not-telling is.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

Or: but, ‘This is no time for that’, I told myself.

Yes that also works, but my personal style choice is to not quote internal thoughts like dialogue. Not that I would never do it but it just feels lazy to me.

 

[Fullygrownbrat]

I like to ponder what the writing style is of books I read. Not erotica, since I actually don't read a lot of that, but just books. Currently I'm reading a book from a series that I find engaging, but sort of flat. I've decided that it is an example of telling instead of showing. But I can't think how one would write it differently. Can you showers take a sentence or two and turn it into showing instead of telling?

Or perhaps I've mis-diagnosed the cause of the flatness?


No Witness by Warren Easley

It doesn’t flow well and the way it’s written is too wordy and distracting.

The pale moonlight managed to just play off one of her pearl earrings. She'd put the pair on after our run. But who's noticing? She turned back to me, and her demeanor became serious.

Why do I care when she put on the earrings? Is that relevant? Why do I care about the moonlight? It just seems like fluff to fill a word count.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

She'd put them on after our run, but who's noticing?

The first one to fix that completely unnecessary fragment question, but it's still out of tense. It should be ...

She'd put them on after our run, but who would notice?

Or better, just remove the awkward question.

She'd put them on after our run, not that anyone would have noticed. ~ ... or ... not that anyone would have noticed but me.

As for shrug of feigned indifference, I think that's fine. He knows the danger but he shrugs it off to downplay it and keep her from worrying. In third person I might re-word it but in first, he clearly knows that he's faking the indifference so it makes perfect sense.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

Why do I care when she put on the earrings? Is that relevant? Why do I care about the moonlight? It just seems like fluff to fill a word count.

Without context, I can't really judge that. If we had been provided the whole scene then the reason for the earrings may have been totally clear, so in reworking the excerpt I leave it in not assuming that it's unnecessary.

 

[Fullygrownbrat]

That’s the point. In the entirety of that passage, there is nothing there that makes those words relevant in regards to the earring. No mention of her getting dressed or something that would give it a reason to be in that paragraph.

I’m only critiquing the original passage, not reinterpretations of it.

 

[intim8]

Why do I care when she put on the earrings? Is that relevant? Why do I care about the moonlight? It just seems like fluff to fill a word count.

The passage gives just barely enough context to know that there is some sexual tension between them, perhaps one-sided, maybe not, and definitely not open from either side. The significance of her putting them on then might just be that he noticed it, perhaps thought it was significant that she did. But either way, he's noticing her looks, noticing little things about her.

 

[Fullygrownbrat]

The passage gives just barely enough context to know that there is some sexual tension between them, perhaps one-sided, maybe not, and definitely not open from either side. The significance of her putting them on then might just be that he noticed it, perhaps thought it was significant that she did. But either way, he's noticing her looks, noticing little things about her.

But is it relevant? We don’t know. All we can know is that it isn’t flowing well. Example:

She turned in the darkening room, the moonlight flickering off of her pearl earring, and I saw her furrowed brow.

At least that makes some kind of sense as to why it’s there. I’m just shooting off the cuff, but it still gives the ambiance of the room, still leaves the earring there, and states she is being serious in one sentence.

 

[StillStunned]

The passage gives just barely enough context to know that there is some sexual tension between them, perhaps one-sided, maybe not, and definitely not open from either side. The significance of her putting them on then might just be that he noticed it, perhaps thought it was significant that she did. But either way, he's noticing her looks, noticing little things about her.

And wondering why he's noticing. It ties in with his later surprise feelings when she touches him.

 

[intim8]

it still gives the ambiance of the room,

They're outside. The other thing that pointing it out does is to set the scene as outside, at night.