Should men expect monogamy from women?

[lc69hunter]

Communication is key. I have never considered monogamy as a standalone issue. It comes down to the emotional bond between the spouses. Physical "cheating", ie random hookup is one thing. Emotional cheating is totally different. One is a threat to the relationship, and one is not.

Women step out of the bounds of the marriage for a variety of reasons, some good and some bad, some with husband's knowledge and permission, and some without.
I know. I am a male with a body count of 32, and 14 of those have been with married women. The aftercare with them is so important, about tossing the guilt, and going home to hubby and reigniting the spark in their marriage.

I have always maintained that a random one-off can actually be good for a marriage, so my second wife had a standing hall pass when she was on the road or when opportunity knocked. It recharged her sexual energy, and brought it home to the marital bed.

These are just my thoughts

 

[lifeis2short2b]

Even if what's agreed upon is a 2-way street, what will end up happening may not be. ..That's all I'm saying.

If you expect monogamy from your wife, you yourself should be monogamous.

If your both or one choose otherwise. there will be consequences majority of the time.

 

[LovelyLadyBits]

When I’m truly in love and being fulfilled sexually I’m very faithful !! My first was abusive and each time we’d split up he found it somewhere else , not me ! But once I was done I I didn’t care anymore ! With #2 I crazy in love and fulfilled beyond my wildest dreams ! Never thought about cheating. Even after we split up and I was alone for 2 yrs I was never with anyone else because my heart was still with him . #3 is a totally different scenario. I’ve never been in love with him ( it’s complicated), we didn’t have sex for 26 of the 28 yrs of marriage but I didn’t cheat . But after 28 yrs I did ! And I will again if the opportunity arises and I hope it does !!

 

[EasyBrad59]

When I’m truly in love and being fulfilled sexually I’m very faithful !! My first was abusive and each time we’d split up he found it somewhere else , not me ! But once I was done I I didn’t care anymore ! With #2 I crazy in love and fulfilled beyond my wildest dreams ! Never thought about cheating. Even after we split up and I was alone for 2 yrs I was never with anyone else because my heart was still with him . #3 is a totally different scenario. I’ve never been in love with him ( it’s complicated), we didn’t have sex for 26 of the 28 yrs of marriage but I didn’t cheat . But after 28 yrs I did ! And I will again if the opportunity arises and I hope it does !!

I cannot imagine not having sex for all those years while with someone. You deserve to think about your own needs. I guess it would be preferable to have him on board with you looking elsewhere, but you have to take care of yourself first.

 

[LMWM321]

have always maintained that a random one-off can actually be good for a marriage, so my second wife had a standing hall pass when she was on the road or when opportunity knocked. It recharged her sexual energy, and brought it home to the marital bed.

I think as time goes on researchers will confirm that sex with someone other than a primary partner can improve a person's self-image, their sexual confidence and their overall interest in sex. And this can positively impact their interest in sex with their primary partner.

I also think researchers will find that the spouse who DIDN'T have sex outside of the marriage will often have an increased sexual attraction toward the one who did. This paradoxical phenomenon is known to men and women who've caught their spouse cheating. Yes, there's genuine anger, resentment, and broken trust... and, sadly, maybe even the end of the marriage. ..But there's also often a powerful increase in physical attraction toward the cheating partner. Researchers aren't clear on why this is.

So, why not make it "lawful" within your marriage to have occasional sex with others, albeit with rules and precautions? It seems it can benefit both partners.

As I've said before, I don't find it the least bit admirable when a couple boasts about going 40 years without a single affair yet they stopped having frequent sex with each other many years earlier. Blech!!

 

[MasterDarcy]

OP, you're making radical generalisations based on one example. That one example being the failure of your parents marriage.

It sounds like it made you extremely bitter and cynical.

Life, love and sex are a lot more nuanced than that. There are many, many variables of why people commit adultery.

Gender is irrelevant.

If the relationship in question is based on monogamy then there's no reason why both parties shouldn't be monogamous. Regardless of how "easy it is for women" to garner male attention.

The "men can't turn down sex" is a fallacy and it's perpetuated by men in order to give them an excuse to cheat.

Personally, I'm a demisexual, so I require a mental connection and a bond before I can even think about sleeping with a woman.

You portray men as easy. Yeah. Well. I'm a challenge.

OK. I've read some wacky statements in here:

"if the woman they are with is taking care of him, and she should"

"Women are hotwired to stay with men who provides for them and protects them"

I cant believe what I'm reading. Is this 2025 or 1825?

It's better I leave it here, otherwise I'll say something you'll regret.

 

[Bobm269]

OP, you're making radical generalisations based on one example. That one example being the failure of your parents marriage.

It sounds like it made you extremely bitter and cynical.

Life, love and sex are a lot more nuanced than that. There are many, many variables of why people commit adultery.

Gender is irrelevant.

If the relationship in question is based on monogamy then there's no reason why both parties shouldn't be monogamous. Regardless of how "easy it is for women" to garner male attention.

The "men can't turn down sex" is a fallacy and it's perpetuated by men in order to give them an excuse to cheat.

Personally, I'm a demisexual, so I require a mental connection and a bond before I can even think about sleeping with a woman.

You portray men as easy. Yeah. Well. I'm a challenge.

OK. I've read some wacky statements in here:

"if the woman they are with is taking care of him, and she should"

"Women are hotwired to stay with men who provides for them and protects them"

I cant believe what I'm reading. Is this 2025 or 1825?

It's better I leave it here, otherwise I'll say something you'll regret.

I’m watching, because I agree with you, and want to read more of your words.

 

[LMWM321]

It sounds like it made you extremely bitter and cynical.

Hmm... That's not my take on the original post ..To me it sounds like he's urging men to be more forgiving of a wife having an affair. ..And he implies, quite correctly, that married women are pursued for sex more then married men so it's not so surprising that a woman might give into temptation once or twice over the course of a marriage. ...That men having a "zero tolerance" policy regarding a wife having an affair is perhaps unrealistic and when a husband leaves a wife with kids he leaves a swath heartache and destruction in its swath. This certainly squares with how I see things.

Are we reading the same original post?

 

[MasterDarcy]

Hmm... That's not my take on the original post ..To me it sounds like he's urging men to be more forgiving of a wife having an affair. ..And he implies, quite correctly, that married women are pursued for sex more then married men so it's not so surprising that a woman might give into temptation once or twice over the course of a marriage. ...That men having a "zero tolerance" policy regarding a wife having an affair is perhaps unrealistic and when a husband leaves a wife with kids he leaves a swath heartache and destruction in its swath. This certainly squares with how I see things.

Are we reading the same original post?

No. We're reading different posts.

The suggestion that men should be more forgiving on a cheating wife is extremely condescending. Women aren't weak willed and easy to temptation.

So yes, the assumption that wives are more liable to cheat is a wee bit on the cubicle side.

I haven't looked it up but I bet husbands commit more adulteries than wives.

 

[LMWM321]

No. We're reading different posts.

The suggestion that men should be more forgiving on a cheating wife is extremely condescending. Women aren't weak willed and easy to temptation.

So yes, the assumption that wives are more liable to cheat is a wee bit on the cubicle side.

I haven't looked it up but I bet husbands commit more adulteries than wives.

He didn’t say that they are more liable to cheat. He said they have more opportunities. And I believe that is generally true. I am as attractive as my wife yet have had just a handful of women come on to me since marrying while It has happened to my wife dozens of times. And I fail to see how asking husbands to be more forgiving of an affair is condescending toward women. Women have been way more tolerant of a cheating spouse since the dawn of time.

I think both men and women need to be more tolerant. Especially as we live longer and feel younger as we age. The expectation of having sex with just one person for 40 to 50 years seems utterly ridiculous, to many of us anyway.

 

[LMWM321]

I haven't looked it up but I bet husbands commit more adulteries than wives.

This is of course true… And because women have been less likely to have a means of income, they have had to put up with men’s affairs since pretty much forever. They’ve been expected to forgive, and move on… which it seems the OP is asking men to do when women have an affair.

 

[geoff0833]

Those contemplating opening their marriage to non-monogamy need to consider this...

It will be WAY easier for a woman to find guys interested in NSA sex than for a man to find women who are interested. ..LIke, WAAYYY easier. And because there are so many willing guys, she may be hooking up with men who are way more attractive than you. So, be aware.

Our sex therapist told us about a 40-something couple who - mainly because the guy wanted to do so - agreed to allow each other to have sex with others. Within the first month, she had sex with 5 different guys while he didn't have a single hookup. And the therapist described the guy as reasonably attractive and appealing. Not surprisingly, their "new" arrangement was now a friction point for them.

So, be sure you don't expect the hookup count to be anywhere near equal before embarking on this...

I think that there is a counter-weight to this though because there are a lot more risks involved with women having a casual sex encounter than there is for men.

 

[LipstickBunnyxo]

I think that there is a counter-weight to this though because there are a lot more risks involved with women having a casual sex encounter than there is for men.

We have to be careful with the wording here.

By risks do you mean to the woman's safety and health? Like risks from harm?

Or do you mean the misogynistic view that women are at a higher risk of falling in love with someone they have casual sex with?

 

[geoff0833]

We have to be careful with the wording here.

By risks do you mean to the woman's safety and health? Like risks from harm?

Or do you mean the misogynistic view that women are at a higher risk of falling in love with someone they have casual sex with?

The former for sure. Thanks for the clarification as i would never have thought of the second option.

 

[LipstickBunnyxo]

The former for sure. Thanks for the clarification as i would never have thought of the second option.

That's okay, I did think that's what you meant, but as someone who spent 12 years in an open relationship, I had my fair share of judgment telling me how I was just going to "fall in love" because it was in a woman's nature.

 

[geoff0833]

That's okay, I did think that's what you meant, but as someone who spent 12 years in an open relationship, I had my fair share of judgment telling me how I was just going to "fall in love" because it was in a woman's nature.

It's a pretty out-dated stereotype, but I guess plenty of people still believe it. I would think that was just an equal risk for everyone.

 

[LipstickBunnyxo]

It's a pretty out-dated stereotype, but I guess plenty of people still believe it. I would think that was just an equal risk for everyone.

Of course it is. But yeah unfortunately there's always some where the stereotypes still persist, especially with red pill content online regurgitating them like they're reading from an 1800s handbook about women

 

[geoff0833]

Of course it is. But yeah unfortunately there's always some where the stereotypes still persist, especially with red pill content online regurgitating them like they're reading from an 1800s handbook about women

I laugh at the irony of people using 21st Century tech to propagate 19th Century ideas.

 

[LMWM321]

I think that there is a counter-weight to this though because there are a lot more risks involved with women having a casual sex encounter than there is for men.

Absolutely! ..She's at greater risk of being beaten by an angry spouse and much greater risk of being beaten or sexually assaulted (ie., forced into sex acts that are not consensual) by a hookup who she misjudged to be trustworthy.

 

[tristantrotsky]

That's okay, I did think that's what you meant, but as someone who spent 12 years in an open relationship, I had my fair share of judgment telling me how I was just going to "fall in love" because it was in a woman's nature.

Getting emotionally involved is not just a woman's thing, I do it all the time...

 

[TemptationTango]

The question is: Should men expect monogamy from women?

I was raised to think so, and I did. For the first 20 year marriage I was faithful, she...was not. It was a lot of shock, then heartache, then anger. It wrecked our family like yours, we divorced & she married her last fling and is miserable. Our 12 year old was impacted probably more than we know.

I re-married and it's been 20 years more, so now I look back and really feel I made the wrong choice. Why didn't I just go with it, join in on the fun? A swinging lifestyle today sounds pretty damn good, maybe even a hot wife. I do feel fortunate to have a FWB now, but it took more re-wiring of my brain, a full separation of love from sex. Today, love is great and sex is great, so I think life's outlook is better.

To answer your question, No, we should not. Furthermore, women would not expect it from men.

 

[Britva415]

I look back and really feel I made the wrong choice. Why didn't I just go with it, join in on the fun? A swinging lifestyle today sounds pretty damn good, maybe even a hot wife

Do you have any reason to think that your ex wife would have gone along with this?

Like, 20 years later why do you think she would not just be a cheater?

 

[TemptationTango]

Do you have any reason to think that your ex wife would have gone along with this?

Like, 20 years later why do you think she would not just be a cheater?

I will never know because that option was never put on the table. To this day, she says she could not handle me fucking another woman. So yeah, might be wishfull thinking on my part.

 

[LMWM321]

It's a pretty out-dated stereotype, but I guess plenty of people still believe it. I would think that was just an equal risk for everyone.

I do think the risk of forming an attachment with a hookup is real for both men and women. That said...

If a married person decides to give in to the desire for casual sex outside their relationship, the risk of forming an attachment is FAR greater when he/she and their hookup need to work in secrecy to pull it off, then cover their tracks. All of their problem solving and maneuvering contributes to forming an emotional attachment even though that was NOT what was intended by either person - ie., both are happy with their primary relationships and all they wanted was to experience sex with someone else.

But if outside sex is permitted within a relationship then secrecy and maneuvering are not necessary, so its contribution to forming an attachment is eliminated. In such a marriage, a hookup may be as simple as a flirty conversation with a guy at a hotel bar while traveling, followed by, "Hey, I think you're really attractive.. Any interest in coming back to my room for a bit? My husband (or wife) knows I occasionally do this and is fine with it."

 

[Britva415]

I do think the risk of forming an attachment with a hookup is real for both men and women. That said...

If a married person decides to give in to the desire for casual sex outside their relationship, the risk of forming an attachment is FAR greater when he/she and their hookup need to work in secrecy to pull it off, then cover their tracks. All of their problem solving and maneuvering contributes to forming an emotional attachment even though that was NOT what was intended by either person - ie., both are happy with their primary relationships and all they wanted was to experience sex with someone else.

But if outside sex is permitted within a relationship then secrecy and maneuvering are not necessary, so their contribution to forming an attachment is eliminated. In such a marriage, a hookup may be as simple as a flirty conversation with a guy at a hotel bar while traveling, followed by, "Hey, I think you're really attractive.. Any interest in coming back to my room for a bit? My husband (or wife) knows I occasionally do this and is fine with it."

I think you're 100% right.