short, sweet and heavy

[TheDR4KE]

I've got a little series of poems that I'd love to get some more votes on, and any other sort of feedback as well! The theme is "Heavy Moments in a Life", particularly about endings of relationships.

• Fared too well is about looking back over your life, the people you've farewelled, the great meals you've had, and how you're now different from back then. The answer to the final question is hidden in the poem, see if you can find it. (Okay, it's not really that hard once you know to look ;-)
• A Riddle is just that. Classic riddle style, as seen in Tolkien's The Hobbit, but a little more adult in its' language. Come back here and give your guesses -- it's not that hard either really though.
• Haiku is a short moment captured in words, but using the symbology of seasons in many ways. Seasons of your life, your emotions, the world. What holds us back, when are we ready to move on? I love the simplicity of haiku.
• Resonance just is. No pitch needed.

I'd love to hear your feedback. Do any of these touch you? Amuse you? Resonate?

Thanks for your time,

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

oh...

... and I noticed that another work Images of Life is also up now.

Drake

 

[cymbidia]

TheDR4KE? I don't mean to be discouraging, and you're quite welcome to disregard what i have to say, okay?

I know from long experience that people who inhabit the GB aren't likely to respond too much to pleas for the review of one's work, no matter how politely, ardently, or coaxingly one makes the offer. Don't let it get to you. It's absolutely no reflection of your work, only a short and sometimes kinda brutal initiation into General Board culture. The other Lit Boards have their own cultures that may or may not resemble each other to any appreciable extent, but the GB is definitely unique among them.

Certainly you've asked this in the Poetry Feedback and Discussion forum, haven't you? (http://www.literotica.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?forumid=25

Good luck with your quest for feedback. It's all the more sweet when you get it, after sweating it out a little.

 

[sch00lteacher]

History's mostly composed of farewells, and
Eventually life catches up with
Affairs of gourmet abandon.
Vociferus taunts, out of memory.
Youth's trim me asking: "How are you now?"

(Vociferous)

Interesting poem. I really like the first line, made me think of my life as a military brat.

 

[sch00lteacher]

Resonance

A lone violin
sings of yearning and loss.
A lone melody
weaves through moonlight 'neath stars.
A lone gypsy boy
vents his sorrow in song.
And the thousands who hear him perform
are alone.


Don't give us the background info on this one, better without it. At least I think so. This is really good. I like it, I like it!

 

[Ladybird]

Hiya Dr4ke baby!!

Count on me hon... I shall go now to read and vote..

Now how about joining me in the Lit Bar in Personals...

Mine host, the lovely Dragonette is throwing a party for me for my 500th post. As this is 499... the party will be in full swing any minute..

You too teach... Dragonette's supplying the champagne.. join me there... please..

 

[perks]

Eventually life catches up with
Affairs of gourmet abandon.

I wonder if this means you finally get to experience the gourmet abandon in reality, or you get retribution. Obviously, sugahduck, those two lines made me think of turning 40.<smile>

Every bite, every scratch, a keepsake
speaking of emotional as well as physical....excellent..one of my favorite lines of all your poetry.

snow smothered youth's love
you game me my love for haiku. We've talked about this one already...youth's love...too much like young love. It isn't working for me. You KNOOOOOOOOW word selection is so very important in this style. I like your imagery, however, that last part is ruining it for me. It sticks me knee deep in cliche at the very end.

And the thousands who hear him perform
are alone.
poignant, perfectly phrased, beautiful, honest. Nicely done. Schoolteacher is correct, you don't need the commentary. It is MORE without it.

love perky

 

[TheDR4KE]

TheDR4KE? I don't mean to be discouraging, and you're quite welcome to disregard what i have to say, okay?

I know from long experience that people who inhabit the GB aren't likely to respond too much to pleas for the review of one's work, no matter how politely, ardently, or coaxingly one makes the offer.

Thanks for the advice cymbidia.

Ain't no price for not trying, hey ;-)

And you're right -- it's fascinating to see the different subcultures that each board engenders.

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

Thanks for the comments teach.

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

Resonance

A lone violin
sings of yearning and loss.
A lone melody
weaves through moonlight 'neath stars.
A lone gypsy boy
vents his sorrow in song.
And the thousands who hear him perform
are alone.


Don't give us the background info on this one, better without it. At least I think so. This is really good. I like it, I like it!

Yeah, you're right. That last one should be without introduction. I'll go and edit the intro post I think.

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

Count on me hon... I shall go now to read and vote..

Now how about joining me in the Lit Bar in Personals...

Mine host, the lovely Dragonette is throwing a party for me for my 500th post. As this is 499... the party will be in full swing any minute..

Thanks LB -- and congrats again on your 500th.

Drake

 

[TheDR4KE]

perky_baby wrote:

Eventually life catches up with
Affairs of gourmet abandon.

I wonder if this means you finally get to experience the gourmet abandon in reality, or you get retribution. Obviously, sugahduck, those two lines made me think of turning 40.<smile>

Interesting question

Every bite, every scratch, a keepsake

speaking of emotional as well as physical....excellent..one of my favorite lines of all your poetry.

Yeah, I was pretty happy with that one too. One of those lines that wrote itself and got lost in the lines that were harder to work out at the time -- but the more I read it the more that line now stands out.

snow smothered youth's love

you game me my love for haiku. We've talked about this one already...youth's love...too much like young love. It isn't working for me. You KNOOOOOOOOW word selection is so very important in this style. I like your imagery, however, that last part is ruining it for me. It sticks me knee deep in cliche at the very end.

I'll see what I can do

And the thousands who hear him perform
are alone.

poignant, perfectly phrased, beautiful, honest. Nicely done. Schoolteacher is correct, you don't need the commentary. It is MORE without it.

'tis changed.

Love,

Drakey (quack)