She lay across the naked bed on her stomach in his motel......

[NotWise]

Back in my condo after a frustrating morning of golf, I took a long shower, pulled on a clean warmup, popped the top on a Bud, and settled back to catch up on Justified, my favorite TV show. U.S. Deputy Marshall Raylan Givens had just finished giving his gorgeous ex-wife, Winona, a fucking she was unlikely to ever forget and was getting dressed to go into Harlan and seriously fuck-up some bad guys while she lay naked across the bed in his motel room. Just as the camera began to slowly pan over her gorgeous ass, garnering the director my sincere compliments, my phone rang, irritating the fuck out of me—pun absolutely fucking-a intended.

That's helpful.

I found the whole paragraph a little cumbersome to read, so I ran it through a reading level test. It scores out at 16th grade (higher in another utility) by Flesch-Kincaid. The high reading level is mostly because the whole paragraph consists of three, fairly long sentences.

It's a matter of style and totally your choice, but using shorter sentences would improve the readability of the paragraph.

 

[Edward Teach]

That's helpful.

I found the whole paragraph a little cumbersome to read, so I ran it through a reading level test. It scores out at 16th grade (higher in another utility) by Flesch-Kincaid. The high reading level is mostly because the whole paragraph consists of three, fairly long sentences.

It's a matter of style and totally your choice, but using shorter sentences would improve the readability of the paragraph.

Thanks, NW. I may need to rethink the way I have "Jimmy" telling his story. I wanted him to sound like maybe he was talking into a recorder, but not at the expense of being difficult to read.

 

[Burnt_Feathers]

... she lay naked on her stomach across his motel bed.

 

[Hypoxia]

I may need to rethink the way I have "Jimmy" telling his story. I wanted him to sound like maybe he was talking into a recorder, but not at the expense of being difficult to read.

I used to spin narratives and essays on a voice recorder but I edited later. I look at your paragraph and mentally Hemingway-ize the structure:

I was back in my condo after a frustrating morning of golf. I took a long shower, pulled on a clean warmup, popped the top on a Bud, and settled back to catch up on Justified, my favorite TV show. U.S. Deputy Marshall Raylan Givens had just finished giving his gorgeous ex-wife, Winona, a fucking she would never forget. She lay naked across the bed in his motel room and watched him dress to go into Harlan and seriously fuck-up some bad guys. Just as the camera began to slowly pan over her gorgeous ass, garnering the director my sincere compliments, my phone rang. That irritated the fuck out of me — pun absolutely fucking-a intended.​

Shorter sentences, objectified. This happens; that follows; chop-chop.