Sexless Marriages

[terriblesecrets]

For us it's been a Pg type.
Friends..yes..
Parents...yes
Lovers...the weird gets tossed but translated to "I hate sex but get it over woth.."

Oh well at least you have the get it over with!
Am stuck on
Friends..yes..
Parents...yes

 

[Deepdesrp]

So an update - last weekend I broke through the ice a bit. This ended up with me licking the hell out of her pussy and moved down to her delicious ass. However, this happens once in a blue moon - so onto the next challenge of trying again. Surely more than a few times a year must be on the cards. Here’s to trying

 

[Roswellcurious]

For us it's been a Pg type.
Friends..yes..
Parents...yes
Lovers...the weird gets tossed but translated to "I hate sex but get it over woth.."

And isn’t that a great feeling? “Hurry up and get it over with.” That’s on the rare occasion I even get thrown that much of a bone. I’ve actually declined after receiving such an “enticing” offer.

I never dreamed there would be a day when I turned down sex but when it feels like a pity/mercy/duty fuck, it’s not even worth it for me.

 

[NightOfPassion2]

And isn’t that a great feeling? “Hurry up and get it over with.” That’s on the rare occasion I even get thrown that much of a bone. I’ve actually declined after receiving such an “enticing” offer.

I never dreamed there would be a day when I turned down sex but when it feels like a pity/mercy/duty fuck, it’s not even worth it for me.

Seperate bedrooms so she doesn't see when I'm on Lit...

 

[Britva415]

at least you have the get it over with

I told my wife "no thanks" to this kind of sex. What a turn-off.

on the rare occasion I even get thrown that much of a bone. I’ve actually declined after receiving such an “enticing” offer.

it feels like a pity/mercy/duty fuck

Amen.

The only kind of "sex" you're willing to offer grosses me out? No thanks, I'll get it somewhere else, you're off the hook.

 

[AspiringAuthor]

If my boyfriend reads this (he's on the Lit boards, so he might!) he might not believe it of me (or he might, because he knows what my past is like).

I used to HATE sex!

Sex was never that mind-blowing experience everyone speaks of, that thing that changes your life and becomes the one thing a person can't live without. I lost my virginity at 27 to a guy I met in a human sexuality forum on CompuServe WAY back in the Internet's infancy. I had no sense of self-respect or self-worth, and I felt time slipping away from me, as though 28 would be the end of the world (it wasn't.) He was willing, and so was I. Logistics were a nightmare; I was in Florida, and he was in Canada. But still, it wasn't what I'd dreamed about or hoped it would be. That relationship, if you could call it that, left me disappointed. My husband, who I met online just a month after breaking up with the Canadian dude, was no better. In fact, it was a terrible match. I kept telling myself we married for "love, and not for sex." It was a damned good thing, because sex was nearly non-existent. Even the claims of love were dubious at best.

Fast forward about 10 years. I was on antidepressants, which completely stripped my desire and drive away from me. Luckily (?) for me, this was right around the time he developed ED, but he asked his doctor for the "little blue pill" with me sitting right there, and he got it. I wasn't asked if I was a consenting partner in this charade, and the blue pill never worked that great anyway. By my best guesstimate, this was 12-13 years ago, which was also the same time frame when he became an abusive dickhead. I decided I didn't want any more of what he had to offer, and if I had to live the rest of my life without sex, then I convinced myself I wouldn't miss it.

A near-miss with the antidepressants got me off of them in my early 40s; nine months after I'd taken my last one, the withdrawal symptoms finally ended (Cymbalta is the devil incarnate.) I expected the sex drive to return after detoxing, but it didn't...

...until I was 48. And then it all came rushing back like white water rapids.

So there I was, 48, almost 49 years old and all this sex drive―and I mean like a horny teenager―with no outlet. By this time, my husband had already been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and was on the sexual decline, despite his claims to the contrary. I invested in my first new toy in 10 years, but it wasn't very good at its job. I lovingly refer to it as "the numb-er," because that's exactly what it does. It's been retired to an actual muscle massager!

I was getting fed up sneaking around with pleasure, so I decided I was going to lie in bed and do my thing. I said, "You can watch, or you can help, or you can just ignore me." He tried to help, but after two minutes, he complained of pain (funny how my complaints of pain were ignored all those years I gave him pleasure and got nothing in return) and went back to playing on his phone. Nothing sucks quite so bad than losing out to "Pocket Planes." The very last time I gave it the old "college try" ended in similar fashion. We now have separate bedrooms, and come August 1, I'm leaving.

I'm about 9 months into what I think is the onset of menopause, and my drive hasn't suffered a bit (so if you're still waiting for that dreaded M word in your 40s, and your drive is healthy, all hope isn't lost for you!) My sweet boyfriend--God bless him--has no idea what he's in for, once we're together. I guarantee, though, he'll love it.

I love you, honey. You know who you are

 

[Hapril]

If my boyfriend reads this (he's on the Lit boards, so he might!) he might not believe it of me (or he might, because he knows what my past is like).

I used to HATE sex!

Sex was never that mind-blowing experience everyone speaks of, that thing that changes your life and becomes the one thing a person can't live without. I lost my virginity at 27 to a guy I met in a human sexuality forum on CompuServe WAY back in the Internet's infancy. I had no sense of self-respect or self-worth, and I felt time slipping away from me, as though 28 would be the end of the world (it wasn't.) He was willing, and so was I. Logistics were a nightmare; I was in Florida, and he was in Canada. But still, it wasn't what I'd dreamed about or hoped it would be. That relationship, if you could call it that, left me disappointed. My husband, who I met online just a month after breaking up with the Canadian dude, was no better. In fact, it was a terrible match. I kept telling myself we married for "love, and not for sex." It was a damned good thing, because sex was nearly non-existent. Even the claims of love were dubious at best.

Fast forward about 10 years. I was on antidepressants, which completely stripped my desire and drive away from me. Luckily (?) for me, this was right around the time he developed ED, but he asked his doctor for the "little blue pill" with me sitting right there, and he got it. I wasn't asked if I was a consenting partner in this charade, and the blue pill never worked that great anyway. By my best guesstimate, this was 12-13 years ago, which was also the same time frame when he became an abusive dickhead. I decided I didn't want any more of what he had to offer, and if I had to live the rest of my life without sex, then I convinced myself I wouldn't miss it.

A near-miss with the antidepressants got me off of them in my early 40s; nine months after I'd taken my last one, the withdrawal symptoms finally ended (Cymbalta is the devil incarnate.) I expected the sex drive to return after detoxing, but it didn't...

...until I was 48. And then it all came rushing back like white water rapids.

So there I was, 48, almost 49 years old and all this sex drive―and I mean like a horny teenager―with no outlet. By this time, my husband had already been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and was on the sexual decline, despite his claims to the contrary. I invested in my first new toy in 10 years, but it wasn't very good at its job. I lovingly refer to it as "the numb-er," because that's exactly what it does. It's been retired to an actual muscle massager!

I was getting fed up sneaking around with pleasure, so I decided I was going to lie in bed and do my thing. I said, "You can watch, or you can help, or you can just ignore me." He tried to help, but after two minutes, he complained of pain (funny how my complaints of pain were ignored all those years I gave him pleasure and got nothing in return) and went back to playing on his phone. Nothing sucks quite so bad than losing out to "Pocket Planes." The very last time I gave it the old "college try" ended in similar fashion. We now have separate bedrooms, and come August 1, I'm leaving.

I'm about 9 months into what I think is the onset of menopause, and my drive hasn't suffered a bit (so if you're still waiting for that dreaded M word in your 40s, and your drive is healthy, all hope isn't lost for you!) My sweet boyfriend--God bless him--has no idea what he's in for, once we're together. I guarantee, though, he'll love it.

I love you, honey. You know who you are

Thank you for sharing your journey. I'm grateful we can all share our frustrations and situations together here as a community. Your story gives me hope for my future.

 

[shizzz]

I don’t think anyone, male or female, should be forced to live a life without sex!

I think it’s about effort. When your partner won’t put in effort for something you like. That’s where the hurt came from for me. All the things I do. All the effort doing things I don’t even want to do. But I know she’ll like it and it will make her day better. I can’t understand how she can’t see the lack of reciprocity is the actual issue

 

[AspiringAuthor]

Thank you for sharing your journey. I'm grateful we can all share our frustrations and situations together here as a community. Your story gives me hope for my future.

We could all use a little hope. This is a support community I never expected, and y'all have really been nothing short of wonderful. Thank you

 

[CliimaxForYou]

I think it’s about effort. When your partner won’t put in effort for something you like. That’s where the hurt came from for me. All the things I do. All the effort doing things I don’t even want to do. But I know she’ll like it and it will make her day better. I can’t understand how she can’t see the lack of reciprocity is the actual issue

Amen

 

[annmsguy]

Im there with you!

Been in a sexless marriage for 5 years now. Was sleeping with best girlfriend but since she'd found a man I'm out in the cold. Just me, porn, and my trusty vibrator. Quick, quiet, lonely. Sucks!

I have a long distance friend, just a friend (also a female) who endured this for years. She’s divorced now. We talk a lot. I’m not in a totally sexless marriage, but it’s very little and very low energy and chore like (from her) when I do. Most of us deserve better, and I’m sure you do.

 

[Deepdesrp]

So this is the thing - I am a damn horny guy who loves sharing naughty thoughts and trying things. I get that we can't all be focused on that all the time - there is stuff to do. But there are times to enjoy each other or be there for each other. I love pleasing her but it's not the other way around. I have to lead all of the time. Don't get me wrong I love my wife - but I do need more. So it's not hell for me just frustrating - with the odd bit of sex when I catch her in the mood.

What amazes me is the number of people in the same way male and female. Safety in numbers happy to keep sharing on here. And I will be back on the chat rooms - so if you see me I'm more than happy for a chat.

 

[Deepdesrp]

And isn’t that a great feeling? “Hurry up and get it over with.” That’s on the rare occasion I even get thrown that much of a bone. I’ve actually declined after receiving such an “enticing” offer.

I never dreamed there would be a day when I turned down sex but when it feels like a pity/mercy/duty fuck, it’s not even worth it for me.

I don't feel that I have had the mercy fuck as such - as we do not finish quickly. We sometimes have to hurry up because of the kids etc.. but it's the amount of suggesting - massaging - enticing - to get her to be in the mood. She doesn't go for the mercy fuck - so I don't get that feeling. But do get the rejection feeling if I was really worked up for sex and get a flat no... not even a hint or a try another time.

 

[Hapril]

I don't feel that I have had the mercy fuck as such - as we do not finish quickly. We sometimes have to hurry up because of the kids etc.. but it's the amount of suggesting - massaging - enticing - to get her to be in the mood. She doesn't go for the mercy fuck - so I don't get that feeling. But do get the rejection feeling if I was really worked up for sex and get a flat no... not even a hint or a try another time.

Such a difficult struggle. Our community here certainly is supportive but it isn't a replacement for that needed intimacy.

 

[Hipshot1554]

It is tough living without sex. There are so many on Lit that are experiencing this. It is a terrible club to be a member of. It's been 3 years for me. He still wanted to hug and kiss hello sometimes but it was actually too hard for me to have a tiny bit of affection and never having anything else at all. It is emotionally draining. Sigh

Exactly this!

 

[PicassosPleasure]

Most of us view this from the perspective of the person wanting sex but not getting it. My wife was a very sexual person before her health finally got the better of her. She graciously gave me a hall pass, but I am very cognizant of how she feels no longer being able to enjoy sex. I'm sure it's not the best feeling in the world, either. I just encourage those suffering in a sexless marriage to be as understanding of their partner as they can be.

 

[BillforF61]

Hi everybody. I’m in a very familiar situation as many of you. I love my wife, but truely miss the sex we once shared. Her desire is just gone. Nothing new here, I understand. My question is about hall passes……. How is this subject handled? How long should one go without before bringing up this topic?

 

[PicassosPleasure]

Hi everybody. I’m in a very familiar situation as many of you. I love my wife, but truely miss the sex we once shared. Her desire is just gone. Nothing new here, I understand. My question is about hall passes……. How is this subject handled? How long should one go without before bringing up this topic?

After 2 years of no sex, hoping the whole time it was just a phase, I finally had a loving but Frank conversation with her about it because I was seeing no end in sight. She immediately suggested a hall pass.

My hall pass was given me because I gave up the swinger lifestyle for my marriage. My wife knew I was swinging and she didn't want to. Her reason being is because it was instrumental in her parents divorce (dad wanted to mom didn't.)

My hall pass is limited to happily married couples, no single women, and bisexual men like myself. I will not violate those limits because I cherish the gift my wife has given me and do not want to lose her trust.

 

[LustyScribe]

After 2 years of no sex, hoping the whole time it was just a phase, I finally had a loving but Frank conversation with her about it because I was seeing no end in sight. She immediately suggested a hall pass.

My hall pass was given me because I gave up the swinger lifestyle for my marriage. My wife knew I was swinging and she didn't want to. Her reason being is because it was instrumental in her parents divorce (dad wanted to mom didn't.)

My hall pass is limited to happily married couples, no single women, and bisexual men like myself. I will not violate those limits because I cherish the gift my wife has given me and do not want to lose her trust.

I envy you for having a wife who is at least willing to work with you like that. If I suggested any such thing, I'd be branded as the devil himself. No regard, of course, for the fact that she has deserted this aspect of our marriage.

 

[PicassosPleasure]

I envy you for having a wife who is at least willing to work with you like that. If I suggested any such thing, I'd be branded as the devil himself. No regard, of course, for the fact that she has deserted this aspect of our marriage.

If you don't mind me asking, why did she "desert" that aspect of your marriage? I ask because I recently read some online advice articles for couples in a sexless marriage, and the question touches on perhaps the key advice given.

 

[LustyScribe]

If you don't mind me asking, why did she "desert" that aspect of your marriage? I ask because I recently read some online advice articles for couples in a sexless marriage, and the question touches on perhaps the key advice given.

It's kind of a weird story. We've been together just over 39 years. As a teenager, she was sexually abused by a family member for an extended time. She had a handful of sexual partners after that. We meet, and in the course of time I learn of the abuse. We establish some boundaries so it doesn't trigger her bad memories. 20+ years, maybe 25, of marriage, with a fairly normal up & down sex life. About 10-12 years ago, she just starts shutting me down. I suggest therapy, erotica, toys, trained monkeys, bananas, pretty much anything. I LOVE to give her pleasure. Nothing does my heart better than seeing her in the throes of pleasure. She deserves it.
A few years go by, and we're down to once a year...maybe. We talked about it, she said she was going to see about therapy, she wants things to be better... Nothing.

Time goes by. We talk about it again, and she basically feels "comfortable" enough in our marriage to now tell me she has no interest in sex, and though she loves me, she just isn't interested in meeting that need for me. She again feigns openness to some explorations, to see if something might "spark" her interest, but refuses to follow through. She knows I started writing stories, and I've even let her read a few, and she knows I correspond with/write for a few individuals on here. I just got tired of being neglected. I thought she'd get pissed off, but nothing but flat line. The decades of rejection from the woman I've loved most of my life has pretty much shattered my self-esteem, yet she doesn't seem to care in the least.

 

[PicassosPleasure]

It's kind of a weird story. We've been together just over 39 years. As a teenager, she was sexually abused by a family member for an extended time. She had a handful of sexual partners after that. We meet, and in the course of time I learn of the abuse. We establish some boundaries so it doesn't trigger her bad memories. 20+ years, maybe 25, of marriage, with a fairly normal up & down sex life. About 10-12 years ago, she just starts shutting me down. I suggest therapy, erotica, toys, trained monkeys, bananas, pretty much anything. I LOVE to give her pleasure. Nothing does my heart better than seeing her in the throes of pleasure. She deserves it.
A few years go by, and we're down to once a year...maybe. We talked about it, she said she was going to see about therapy, she wants things to be better... Nothing.

Time goes by. We talk about it again, and she basically feels "comfortable" enough in our marriage to now tell me she has no interest in sex, and though she loves me, she just isn't interested in meeting that need for me. She again feigns openness to some explorations, to see if something might "spark" her interest, but refuses to follow through. She knows I started writing stories, and I've even let her read a few, and she knows I correspond with/write for a few individuals on here. I just got tired of being neglected. I thought she'd get pissed off, but nothing but flat line. The decades of rejection from the woman I've loved most of my life has pretty much shattered my self-esteem, yet she doesn't seem to care in the least.

Thank you for responding to (not answering and I'll explain why shortly) my qyestion, and providing such detail. First, congratulations on almost 40 years of mairrage, and kudos for sticking with it enduring your circumstances for over ten years, I know the difficulty but not the duration.

I am not a therapist and do not propose to offer you advice, just share my thoughts. From what I recently read, a key step to reconciling the situation, though no guarantee of resolving it, is for both parties to understand why the other feels the way they do. Probably best to seek the aid of a therapist to get that understanding, but not everyone wants to see one. Seeking medical advice is also recommended due to those aspects of the issue.

What I read from you sounded like contributing factors to her position, not the reason why. Stating that she no longer is interested in meeting that need, says nothing as to why she no longer is. There could be multiple reasons, as I know my wife has others besides her health issues. Had you said, "My wife explained to me that she no longer had an interest due to A, B, and C reasons," that would be answering the question why.

You feel "deserted," and that can result in bitterness and other unhealthy emotions. I know, my emotions ran the gamut, and you've been at it far longer. My saving grace for not going crazy or doing something rash was having a good understanding of my wife's "whys," and respecting her right to have them. Actually, I have empathy for her because I know how sexual she was. Having that empathy and granting her that right earned me the same from her. She was the one who brought up the hall pass, though I was thinking it, I just helped her understand how I was feeling, after acknowledging her position.

Chances are you might not ever have sex with your wife again. Plan for the worst, hope for the best was my approach. Does that mean you'll never have sex again? I can only tell you this, being bisexual and having spoken with dozens of men in sexless marriages, those having sex fall into two groups, they totally keep it a secret from their wife, or, their wife knows they have needs and don't make a fuss about it, they just turn a blind eye to it. I have met a lot of men in the latter category who maintain a loving relationship in their marriage and don't have any guilt associated with going outside their marriage for sex. Those men seem more content for sure. Perhaps you might find yourself in that latter category some day.

Here is my final thought, perhaps advice, and it relates to your last statement about her just not caring. It's the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Without any expectation of her meeting your needs, learn what her feelings are, her whys, and show her that you empathize with her and respect her right to have those feelings. Show her that you care. In return, try to lovingly explain all of your feelings, your whys, and hopefully she'll start caring about your needs. If as a result you find her willing to turn a blind eye, make sure she feels loved and safe in your marriage, in the things you do, not just what you say. The men I've talked deeply with in that scenario have stated how extremely important that was to their marriage. She needs to trust you that you won't be looking for another wife.

Well, I hope that offers some food for thought. And I wish you all the best.

 

[LustyScribe]

Thank you for responding to (not answering and I'll explain why shortly) my qyestion, and providing such detail. First, congratulations on almost 40 years of mairrage, and kudos for sticking with it enduring your circumstances for over ten years, I know the difficulty but not the duration.

I am not a therapist and do not propose to offer you advice, just share my thoughts. From what I recently read, a key step to reconciling the situation, though no guarantee of resolving it, is for both parties to understand why the other feels the way they do. Probably best to seek the aid of a therapist to get that understanding, but not everyone wants to see one. Seeking medical advice is also recommended due to those aspects of the issue.

What I read from you sounded like contributing factors to her position, not the reason why. Stating that she no longer is interested in meeting that need, says nothing as to why she no longer is. There could be multiple reasons, as I know my wife has others besides her health issues. Had you said, "My wife explained to me that she no longer had an interest due to A, B, and C reasons," that would be answering the question why.

You feel "deserted," and that can result in bitterness and other unhealthy emotions. I know, my emotions ran the gamut, and you've been at it far longer. My saving grace for not going crazy or doing something rash was having a good understanding of my wife's "whys," and respecting her right to have them. Actually, I have empathy for her because I know how sexual she was. Having that empathy and granting her that right earned me the same from her. She was the one who brought up the hall pass, though I was thinking it, I just helped her understand how I was feeling, after acknowledging her position.

Chances are you might not ever have sex with your wife again. Plan for the worst, hope for the best was my approach. Does that mean you'll never have sex again? I can only tell you this, being bisexual and having spoken with dozens of men in sexless marriages, those having sex fall into two groups, they totally keep it a secret from their wife, or, their wife knows they have needs and don't make a fuss about it, they just turn a blind eye to it. I have met a lot of men in the latter category who maintain a loving relationship in their marriage and don't have any guilt associated with going outside their marriage for sex. Those men seem more content for sure. Perhaps you might find yourself in that latter category some day.

Here is my final thought, perhaps advice, and it relates to your last statement about her just not caring. It's the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Without any expectation of her meeting your needs, learn what her feelings are, her whys, and show her that you empathize with her and respect her right to have those feelings. Show her that you care. In return, try to lovingly explain all of your feelings, your whys, and hopefully she'll start caring about your needs. If as a result you find her willing to turn a blind eye, make sure she feels loved and safe in your marriage, in the things you do, not just what you say. The men I've talked deeply with in that scenario have stated how extremely important that was to their marriage. She needs to trust you that you won't be looking for another wife.

Well, I hope that offers some food for thought. And I wish you all the best.

Thank you for your time and your thoughts. I think the only things that keep me at it is that I DO love her, so I continue to try to make this work. We talk pretty freely on most topics, but she shuts down on sex pretty quickly. She brought up a therapist years ago, and I wholeheartedly agreed, but then she backed away.
As to a hall pass, I can't imagine her agreeing to it, but maybe times will change. Honestly, though, with the way my self-esteem has been destroyed, plus my age (59), I can't imagine someone finding me attractive. ("He's got a great personality, but...") We'll see. I may plant a few seeds of the thought and see if they sprout. At any rate, thank you!

 

[BillforF61]

On the “ Hall Pass” topic, I’ve been reading comments on the web. It seems that outside this forum, most people are quick to condemn such an idea. I suppose that’s to be expected from those who have no reason to join this thread. I like reading here; comforting in a way to hear others’ similar stories, etc.

We have the “location” thread. It would be nice if a database existed, listing specifically sexless marriage individuals, who might be able to occasionally satisfy each other, listing location, and so forth. We’d all be in similar situations, perhaps making finding a play partner less risky. People having similar concerns and desires……..

I am in Wisconsin, USA by the way.

 

[BillforF61]

Sigh…….if only WI was closer to PA……..