I agree 110% on all points!
For us it's been a Pg type.
Oh well at least you have the get it over with!
And isn’t that a great feeling? “Hurry up and get it over with.” That’s on the rare occasion I even get thrown that much of a bone. I’ve actually declined after receiving such an “enticing” offer.
Seperate bedrooms so she doesn't see when I'm on Lit...And isn’t that a great feeling? “Hurry up and get it over with.” That’s on the rare occasion I even get thrown that much of a bone. I’ve actually declined after receiving such an “enticing” offer.
I never dreamed there would be a day when I turned down sex but when it feels like a pity/mercy/duty fuck, it’s not even worth it for me.
I told my wife "no thanks" to this kind of sex. What a turn-off.
Amen.
Thank you for sharing your journey. I'm grateful we can all share our frustrations and situations together here as a community. Your story gives me hope for my future.If my boyfriend reads this (he's on the Lit boards, so he might!) he might not believe it of me (or he might, because he knows what my past is like).
I used to HATE sex!
Sex was never that mind-blowing experience everyone speaks of, that thing that changes your life and becomes the one thing a person can't live without. I lost my virginity at 27 to a guy I met in a human sexuality forum on CompuServe WAY back in the Internet's infancy. I had no sense of self-respect or self-worth, and I felt time slipping away from me, as though 28 would be the end of the world (it wasn't.) He was willing, and so was I. Logistics were a nightmare; I was in Florida, and he was in Canada. But still, it wasn't what I'd dreamed about or hoped it would be. That relationship, if you could call it that, left me disappointed. My husband, who I met online just a month after breaking up with the Canadian dude, was no better. In fact, it was a terrible match. I kept telling myself we married for "love, and not for sex." It was a damned good thing, because sex was nearly non-existent. Even the claims of love were dubious at best.
Fast forward about 10 years. I was on antidepressants, which completely stripped my desire and drive away from me. Luckily (?) for me, this was right around the time he developed ED, but he asked his doctor for the "little blue pill" with me sitting right there, and he got it. I wasn't asked if I was a consenting partner in this charade, and the blue pill never worked that great anyway. By my best guesstimate, this was 12-13 years ago, which was also the same time frame when he became an abusive dickhead. I decided I didn't want any more of what he had to offer, and if I had to live the rest of my life without sex, then I convinced myself I wouldn't miss it.
A near-miss with the antidepressants got me off of them in my early 40s; nine months after I'd taken my last one, the withdrawal symptoms finally ended (Cymbalta is the devil incarnate.) I expected the sex drive to return after detoxing, but it didn't...
...until I was 48. And then it all came rushing back like white water rapids.
So there I was, 48, almost 49 years old and all this sex drive―and I mean like a horny teenager―with no outlet. By this time, my husband had already been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and was on the sexual decline, despite his claims to the contrary. I invested in my first new toy in 10 years, but it wasn't very good at its job. I lovingly refer to it as "the numb-er," because that's exactly what it does. It's been retired to an actual muscle massager!
I was getting fed up sneaking around with pleasure, so I decided I was going to lie in bed and do my thing. I said, "You can watch, or you can help, or you can just ignore me." He tried to help, but after two minutes, he complained of pain (funny how my complaints of pain were ignored all those years I gave him pleasure and got nothing in return) and went back to playing on his phone. Nothing sucks quite so bad than losing out to "Pocket Planes." The very last time I gave it the old "college try" ended in similar fashion. We now have separate bedrooms, and come August 1, I'm leaving.
I'm about 9 months into what I think is the onset of menopause, and my drive hasn't suffered a bit (so if you're still waiting for that dreaded M word in your 40s, and your drive is healthy, all hope isn't lost for you!) My sweet boyfriend--God bless him--has no idea what he's in for, once we're together. I guarantee, though, he'll love it.
I love you, honey. You know who you are
I think it’s about effort. When your partner won’t put in effort for something you like. That’s where the hurt came from for me. All the things I do. All the effort doing things I don’t even want to do. But I know she’ll like it and it will make her day better. I can’t understand how she can’t see the lack of reciprocity is the actual issue
We could all use a little hope. This is a support community I never expected, and y'all have really been nothing short of wonderful. Thank youThank you for sharing your journey. I'm grateful we can all share our frustrations and situations together here as a community. Your story gives me hope for my future.
Amen
I have a long distance friend, just a friend (also a female) who endured this for years. She’s divorced now. We talk a lot. I’m not in a totally sexless marriage, but it’s very little and very low energy and chore like (from her) when I do. Most of us deserve better, and I’m sure you do.
I don't feel that I have had the mercy fuck as such - as we do not finish quickly. We sometimes have to hurry up because of the kids etc.. but it's the amount of suggesting - massaging - enticing - to get her to be in the mood. She doesn't go for the mercy fuck - so I don't get that feeling. But do get the rejection feeling if I was really worked up for sex and get a flat no... not even a hint or a try another time.And isn’t that a great feeling? “Hurry up and get it over with.” That’s on the rare occasion I even get thrown that much of a bone. I’ve actually declined after receiving such an “enticing” offer.
I never dreamed there would be a day when I turned down sex but when it feels like a pity/mercy/duty fuck, it’s not even worth it for me.
Such a difficult struggle. Our community here certainly is supportive but it isn't a replacement for that needed intimacy.
Exactly this!
After 2 years of no sex, hoping the whole time it was just a phase, I finally had a loving but Frank conversation with her about it because I was seeing no end in sight. She immediately suggested a hall pass.
I envy you for having a wife who is at least willing to work with you like that. If I suggested any such thing, I'd be branded as the devil himself. No regard, of course, for the fact that she has deserted this aspect of our marriage.
If you don't mind me asking, why did she "desert" that aspect of your marriage? I ask because I recently read some online advice articles for couples in a sexless marriage, and the question touches on perhaps the key advice given.
It's kind of a weird story. We've been together just over 39 years. As a teenager, she was sexually abused by a family member for an extended time. She had a handful of sexual partners after that. We meet, and in the course of time I learn of the abuse. We establish some boundaries so it doesn't trigger her bad memories. 20+ years, maybe 25, of marriage, with a fairly normal up & down sex life. About 10-12 years ago, she just starts shutting me down. I suggest therapy, erotica, toys, trained monkeys, bananas, pretty much anything. I LOVE to give her pleasure. Nothing does my heart better than seeing her in the throes of pleasure. She deserves it.
Thank you for responding to (not answering and I'll explain why shortly) my qyestion, and providing such detail. First, congratulations on almost 40 years of mairrage, and kudos for sticking with it enduring your circumstances for over ten years, I know the difficulty but not the duration.
