Sex and intimacy

[M's girl]

I had a discussion the other night with someone about sex and intimacy. How the two are connected; how women look at this differently from men sometimes; why some people seem to be able to switch off emotions so easily for sex.... things like that.

I thought it would be a valid question to ask here, with so many experts all aboard Lit!

So, what is intimacy to you and what is sex to you? And do you think there can be one without the other? How do you define intimacy? And what is your way to show affection to your loved one? Does that equal intimacy?

Oh, and I have to clarify (maybe) that with sex I mean all acts of a sexual nature (not only PIV sex) ....

 

[silverwhisper]

i believe that intimacy is a desirable state for most relationships as to me it's not necessarily romantic in nature. i have intimate friends whose opinion carries considerable weight with me.

i define intimacy as my feeling comfortable enough with someone that i can be completely and utterly honest wit him/her, and which they feel vis a vis myself. i prize intimacy, b/c it's a rare, rare thing IMX. intimacy is a matter of chemistry to me.

to me however, sex is a matter of physics.

but when you can combine those things, you can produce some amazing results. i'm talking about a body-shaking, back-raking, soul-searing, sweat-pouring, heart-pounding, life-changing thing. i'm talking about a religious experience.

and for me, that is why, for as appealing as i may find the fantasy of anonymous sex to be, i know the reality can never approach that of sex within the context of a relationship.

ed

 

[Norajane]

Sex can be many things, though it doesn't have to be intimate. It's way better when it is, though!

Intimacy is a closeness you feel that allows you to be open to the other person and open with the other person. It doesn't have to be in the context of sex - you can have intimate relationships with your friends, roommates, sisters, etc.

I think when you have intimacy in a sexual relationship, there's an element of acceptance of the other person that makes you comfortable with each other and adds to the intensity of the experience - intercourse is hot, but intercourse where you're able to look into each other's eyes the whole time you're fucking is sizzling hot.

I honestly don't think you can just turn intimacy on or off, though. It does have a lot to do with chemistry, and love, and it's something that has to develop over time.

Those who claim to be able to turn it on or off are either exceptionally good at compartmentalizing (or think they are), or the intimacy wasn't really there in the first place. Sex doesn't require either chemistry or love - just some horny lust in some cases.

Interesting question - I may have to think about it and write some more later!

 

[TBKahuna123]

Intimacy without sex, yes, but not sex without intimacy. I believe that when sex is at it's hottest, most animalistic and primal that's when we are most vulnerable. When we open ourselves deep enough to let our mating instincts take over we are tossing aside all our defenses, and this leave us naked and out of control, at the mercy of our partners. In the afterglow of such an act as you lay gasping and spent in the arms of your mate, you are trusting this other person with your raw and unguarded soul, open to attack both emotional and physical, yet trusting that they will not take advantage of your vulnerability. Is there anything more intimate than that?

 

[EJFan]

it's a harder question to answer than i thought. i think you can have sex without intimacy. i can't, but i think many people can. for me, sex is kind of the ultimate expression of intimacy and intimacy has to come first.

sex, for the most part, is a physical expression and we as individuals choose what it's expressing. for me, as i said, it's an expression of intimacy. for others it's an expression of energy or of pleasure or what have you... and you can express those things with people without intimacy entering into it.

now if you really want to complicate things... contemplate sex v. intimacy v. love. love is an even more ambiguous term.

 

[bobsgirl]

it's a harder question to answer than i thought. i think you can have sex without intimacy. i can't, but i think many people can. for me, sex is kind of the ultimate expression of intimacy and intimacy has to come first.

sex, for the most part, is a physical expression and we as individuals choose what it's expressing. for me, as i said, it's an expression of intimacy. for others it's an expression of energy or of pleasure or what have you... and you can express those things with people without intimacy entering into it.

now if you really want to complicate things... contemplate sex v. intimacy v. love. love is an even more ambiguous term.

I was just going to ask how you can have intimacy without love, but to some degree I think you can. I know in some online relationships I've had (not sexual) I found myself revealing very personal intimate stuff very easily. Much more easily than if the relationship had been face-to-face. Now, is that real intimacy? I don't know, but it feels like it.

I also think there are different levels of physical intimacy. It always bothers me when I hear teens and young adults say, what's the big deal--it's only a blow job. It's not like it's real sex. I think oral sex is a lot more intimate than PIV.

 

[midwestyankee]

Intimacy without sex, yes, but not sex without intimacy. I believe that when sex is at it's hottest, most animalistic and primal that's when we are most vulnerable. When we open ourselves deep enough to let our mating instincts take over we are tossing aside all our defenses, and this leave us naked and out of control, at the mercy of our partners. In the afterglow of such an act as you lay gasping and spent in the arms of your mate, you are trusting this other person with your raw and unguarded soul, open to attack both emotional and physical, yet trusting that they will not take advantage of your vulnerability. Is there anything more intimate than that?

You nailed it!

 

[Guest]

 

[rwattsIII]

I've had sex without intimacy and after all, I'm a male so I'm supposed to enjoy fucking, right? I find that for myself, no, I don't enjoy fucking. It took me a long time to learn that. I've had past gf's call me up horny and want me to come over and fuck. I was appalled. I couldn't do it. I am older. That surely has something to do with it. My gf and I do a lot of cuddling, kissing, holding, hugging sometimes it leads to sex. Sometimes it doesn't. We hug when we cook dinner together. We cuddle while we watch DVD's. That's where I am today, thank you. And I love it......

 

[chinalady]

So, what is intimacy to you and what is sex to you? And do you think there can be one without the other? How do you define intimacy? And what is your way to show affection to your loved one? Does that equal intimacy?

Intimacy just means being close to each other...the moments shared with that person, though it doesn't necessarily have to be a husband, wife, BF, GF, or SO. So yes, you can have an intimate relationship without sex.

Sex is an expression of love. Some people are able to separate one from another...but that's not the case for me. The first time I had sex was with someone I was (and still!!!) in love with. I was glad that I waited (even though I was already in my mid 20's) because each moment after that between us is very special and I would never change it for anything.

One of the many ways I show my affection to my BF is giving him a greeting card or sending him an e-card. Aside from the words in the greeting, I also write a few of my own loving words. And if I happen to be there after he's read it, I love seeing the expression of his face...especially when our eyes meet. I could see how much he loves me...and so I feel very intimate with him.

 

[Norajane]

I agree with what Norajane says here. And staring into each other's eyes, mmmmmmmm

BTW, nice av.

Thanks - I feel less naked now.



And yes, staring, eyes, mmm...

 

[M's girl]

Intimacy just means being close to each other...the moments shared with that person, though it doesn't necessarily have to be a husband, wife, BF, GF, or SO. So yes, you can have an intimate relationship without sex.

I agree. You can have an intimate relationship with someone without the sex; but can you have sex without the intimacy?

I think intimacy with a close friend can be a very powerful thing. I have a few friends I can trust with about anything I want/need to share; they will always be there for me, I know, and vice versa. These are the ones I will even cuddle with just to show them I love them. Still, it's in a different way than when I share intimacy with M.

Although the first example, in my case, will never lead to sex (it's just something so different) or even hint at it, the intimacy I have and share with M are far more connected to sex all the time. Not that it necessarily needs to lead up to or result in sex, but since it seems to come from a slightly different place, it feels different. The ultimate intimacy maybe?

So, do you guys think there is a difference? I know for a fact that, for me, I first need to have this ultimate intimacy feeling with someone somehow before I want to have sex. This is also something... a feeling.... that is basically there all the time. The basis if you will. (On the other hand it works differently for me when I start to fall in love. I have had sex with a few guys I barely knew but was madly in love with. There had been no time yet to develop that ultimate intimacy feeling with them, yet I wanted to have sex badly and it was fine. If the intimacy would not have developed áfter that, the relationship(s) would not have lasted. Funny thing is: I had only one one-night stand as a result of this. The rest of the guys I had early sex with turned out to be long-time boyfriends at least).

I hear people say that intimacy also is things like sending each other e-cards and stuff like that. Although I agree, for me that's only part of the intimacy, and something I will also share with a girlfriend or my mum. For me there is a form of intimacy beyond that and that is telling each other you want or need them randomly just because the feeling is so overwhelming you can't even help yourself saying it; all of a sudden craving to hold someone and just walking up to him (in my case) just to feel him.... all without meaning for it to result in sex. Waking up in the morning and instinctively reaching out to your loved one and just holding each other. Again, without it necessarily having to lead up to sex. If I could not have that or would not feel things like that, it would seriously make me wonder if I truelly loved the person.

Does anyone feel the same?

 

[Norajane]

I agree. You can have an intimate relationship with someone without the sex; but can you have sex without the intimacy?

I think intimacy with a close friend can be a very powerful thing. I have a few friends I can trust with about anything I want/need to share; they will always be there for me, I know, and vice versa. These are the ones I will even cuddle with just to show them I love them. Still, it's in a different way than when I share intimacy with M.

Although the first example, in my case, will never lead to sex (it's just something so different) or even hint at it, the intimacy I have and share with M are far more connected to sex all the time. Not that it necessarily needs to lead up to or result in sex, but since it seems to come from a slightly different place, it feels different. The ultimate intimacy maybe?

So, do you guys think there is a difference?

I believe there's a difference. With a friend, you can have intellectual and emotional intimacy. With a lover, you add another level - physical intimacy. The physical intimacy brings out a whole different dimension to who you are, and when it's shared, the relationship is deeper because of it. Your lover knows you, and you know him, in a way that no other relationship can replicate.

Is it the ultimate? If it comes along with emotional and intellectual intimacy, it sure can feel like the ultimate!

(why is intimacy so hard to type? I think it had to correct the spelling each time I typed the word. )

 

[rwattsIII]

When I think of intimacy, I think of touching.....

 

[M's girl]

I believe there's a difference. With a friend, you can have intellectual and emotional intimacy. With a lover, you add another level - physical intimacy. The physical intimacy brings out a whole different dimension to who you are, and when it's shared, the relationship is deeper because of it. Your lover knows you, and you know him, in a way that no other relationship can replicate.

Is it the ultimate? If it comes along with emotional and intellectual intimacy, it sure can feel like the ultimate!

(why is intimacy so hard to type? I think it had to correct the spelling each time I typed the word. )

I have no idea! Intimacy, intimacy, intimacy..... hmmmm, works for me

You are right and I had not thought about defining the different types into physical, intellectual and emotional. Are there other types? Which ones are most important to a relationship? I would say all, and I wonder if everyone else agrees.

I think you can have one or two of the above mentioned forms with different people. I think if you have all three at the same time, this is what defines love...?

 

[midwestyankee]

<snip>

I think you can have one or two of the above mentioned forms with different people. I think if you have all three at the same time, this is what defines love...?

I think that having all these kinds of intimacy in place, including the physical, enables romantic love. I see love as an action and not as a state of being. Intimacy is a state of being that comes from various actions. Make sense?

 

[M's girl]

I think that having all these kinds of intimacy in place, including the physical, enables romantic love. I see love as an action and not as a state of being. Intimacy is a state of being that comes from various actions. Make sense?

Hmmmm, have to think about this one.....

 

[Guest]

 

[Cockyfox]

Sex is juicy
Intimacy is between the ears

 

[TBKahuna123]

After 11 years of mariage I honestly can't imagine sex without intimacy. Even in our most purely physical and non-romatic encounters there is still an overtone of intimacy there. Even when I write all my encounters have an intimate connection to them.

Is it wierd that I can't seem to disconnect the two? I'm seriously asking, because now I'm feeling a little wierd.

 

[Guest]

 

[wicked woman]

I for one don't think it's wierd. It might not be that it's an inability to disconnect, maybe it's more like a lack of desire to disconnect, I don't know. Seems that way to me though. I have no desire to disconnect the two, so I don't think about it.

Also, maybe there is something to do with how a relationship grows over time. Like whenever you have one of those nights when you get up the next morning and think "last night we connected so closely, touching was so sensuous, I didn't think it could get any better but it sure felt like it did".

TBK, didn't you have a night like that a couple weeks ago at the hotel? After a night like that, why would you want anything else? (I'm serious here.)

agreeing with Scaly...that it's probably not so much and inability to disconnect but more a question of why would you?

Some people are quite able to disconnect sex from intimacy...no let me correct that...after TBK's post earlier I don't think I want to say that...some people can easily separate sex from love. They may agree the sex is better with love, but that it's not a prerequisite.

If we agree with TBK's earlier post about the interweaving of sex and intimacy...then the emotion of love isn't what's being discussed here. So I think it's a reasonable question...if there is always intimacy when you and your wife have sex...regardless of the kind/mood of sex...and you enjoy that ...why would you want to be able to disconnect sex and intimacy?


Sorry Scaly...just a rambling way of agreeing with you.

 

[kiwichyck]

I think that there can be intimacy without sex, for example between friends or family.
I think that there can be sex without intimacy.

For myself I have no desire to have sex without intimacy. I never have. The nature of the act for me requires it. Why would I strip off my clothes and allow a stranger into my body? And for me, the longer my marriage goes on, the more deep the intimacy becomes, and so the sex has also got better mainly because of the emotional connection. I don't understand how sex without intimacy could be in any way satisfying. I see that as reducing it to a primal animalistic rutting.

 

[TBKahuna123]

TBK, didn't you have a night like that a couple weeks ago at the hotel? After a night like that, why would you want anything else? (I'm serious here.)

Well you may have hit it right there, I really have no desire to disconnect the two. With that train of thought I guess I could say that I as my realtionship has grown there has been no need to seperate sex from intimacy, because intimacy has never restricted the erotic hotness if you will or our sex life. I can't see anyway it would be hotter or more fun without the intimate, emotional overtones, so what's the point of trying to disconnect them.

By the same token, because I can honestly say that sex with my wife is beter than anything I've ever had with anyone else, I attribute how good it is to that intimacy. I really don't think sex would be better without the intimacy.

I think that there can be intimacy without sex, for example between friends or family.

See this is where my definition of intimacyis different. To me I'm not intimate wiht my family, no matter how close we are. To me intimacy denotes a more romantic sort of emotional connection, not necessarily sexual, but not familial love.

 

[onlyerics]

See this is where my definition of intimacyis different. To me I'm not intimate wiht my family, no matter how close we are. To me intimacy denotes a more romantic sort of emotional connection, not necessarily sexual, but not familial love.

Well, you're not alone. I think intimacy is between two people who are in a romantic relationship.

I don't think I can separate love and sex either. Heck, I don't even tell my BF "Please have sex with me." I say, "Please make love to me," because to me that's exactly what it is. Before I decided to have sex with my BF, I had to have reached intimacy first with him...so no, I can't separate the two.