Serious advice needed

[Lord Pmann]

I don't think she will "censore" anyone.

 

[COCK_STAR]

Lol. How did that e get there?

 

[bailadora]

She asked a question, I gave an answer. I'm not trying to start anything. If ladyg wants to censore me because I am writing what every real man is thinking, it won't be the first time.

Hugs and kisses,
The Troll

From Lady G herself:

If you can't answer questions without being sarcastic and rude, then please save your comments for the General Board or the Playground!!.

You're entitled to disagree with OP's decisions and motives, but you aren't entitled to be an asshole about it. There are enough people around who think too much of the snark from other boards is seeping onto HT, and who will bring asshats to the attention of the mod if need be.

 

[Joyfull_love]

Okay, I haven't read all the posts here but I got the gist of it...Sex, like food, shelter and clothing, is necessary for us to have a fulfilling life. A lot of people seem to have forgotten that here in these posts. You are not a horrible woman, you are a woman in need of honest to goodness love!

So here's my advice:

1. Please try taking Whole Herb Echinacea 400mg, 1 capsule per day (over the counter where vitamins are sold). Cleared up my hpv outbreak in about 10 days (no surgeries!) As long as I take them everyday, I never have another outbreak.

2. If your husband doesn't have sex with you, what does he think you're doing with all of your pent up sexual energy? Does he truly believe you don't want it, need it or get it somewhere? You guys need to sit down and talk about what is going on with the NO SEX ZONE in your household. If this is too volatile a topic, agree to discuss it with a marriage counselor or a trusted third party you both agree on. No one should live in a sexless marriage unless you both agree this lifestyle makes you both happy. Get help on this part of the problem before you tell him about the affair.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
Is it possible your husband doesn't have sex with you because he has hpv outbreaks?
Is it possible that he is involved with someone else and is getting sex on the side also?
Is it possible that you'd both be happier if you explored a trial separation?
Is it possible that he has low testosterone levels & needs to see his doctor?
Is it possible that he is gay & got married because it was expected of him but now knows that gay is not the same as bi-sexual?

That's just a few questions I'd have to find out the answers to before I even considered telling him of my affair, if I were you. Telling on yourself will make you feel better. Unloading the guilt will give you temporary relief, but it will hurt him to the core. Intellectually he knows that you need sex & he wasn't providing that, but emotionally he will not be able to accept that you cheated on him & it's his own fault. It is emasculating to a man to know his wife had sex with another man, it makes him feel like a fool, he'll believe that all his friends knew what you did and didn't tell him, he'll believe that all your girlfriends are laughing at him behind his back and that both of your families feel sorry for him and hate you for doing that to him. Of course maybe none of that is true, but it's what he'll believe. Now after that blow to his ego, do you think he'll want to make love to you & work on your marriage?

So take the herb, clear up your physical symptoms, talk to him & figure out how you got here & where you're going with this marriage, depending on his responses during these conversations, you may find yourself getting more sex that you bargained for. He'll either start providing it or he'll turn you loose to do what you want. Many man give their wives permission to have affairs for the sex they don't want to give.

So good luck!

 

[Joyfull_love]

Cock_Star is a neanderthal. The name implied potential, so sorry his true colors are showing.

 

[COCK_STAR]

Cock_Star is a neanderthal. The name implied potential, so sorry his true colors are showing.

Come on ladyg, this person is calling me names. Get her. Lol. Call me what you want... If the strain of hpv is such a low risk strain, then how did the op contact it in the first place? Anyone giving advice to this woman that isn't telling her that she needs to tell him is 100% wrong. I'm sorry for being passionate, but we are talking about someone that is thinking about not telling her husband that she has an std... If any of your significant others had an std, would you want them to tell you?

 

[Lord Pmann]

^^^
Coming from the guy who basically said that you can't get STDs from oral sex and the risk is so low you shouldn't worry about it.

 

[bailadora]

Come on ladyg, this person is calling me names. Get her. Lol. Call me what you want... [

From what I've seen, Lady G seems to have less sympathy for those who seem to come in with the intention of deliberately provoking others.

If the strain of hpv is such a low risk strain, then how did the op contact it in the first place?

A little bit of research does wonders for extending one's knowledge. You might find this article to be informative. This snippet, in particular, stood out for me:

Tests are not typically performed by a physician unless there is the ability to then DO something based upon those results. There isn't anything that can be done for a man who is diagnosed as HPV positive other than to provide the standard precautions regarding the spread of the virus and using condoms and this information can be given even without an HPV result.

Even with condoms, HPV is so contagious and often exists in the tissue around the penis, testicles and perianal area that transmission is highly likely even with condoms and the only thing that will really make a difference would be if the man were to become a cloistered monk.

If this is truly the stance of the medical community, I think it's bullshit. Since men are just as likely as women to be carriers and transmitters of HPV, in the interest of being a decent human being, and in offering full disclosure to their partners in terms of informed consent, I think men *should* be routinely tested.

I'm sorry for being passionate, .....

You weren't called out for being passionate, you were called out for your delivery. It's entirely possible to vehemently disagree with someone without calling them names or resorting to insults. That's not to say people on HT don't slip up from time to time, but in most cases, most make the choice to leave personal attacks out of it.

 

[Bramblethorn]

“Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own punishment in silence.”

-Dorothy Dix

Different strokes for different folks. I'm not the most perceptive person in the world but I tend to pick up vibes if a partner is keeping a secret from me, and for me the secret is a bigger threat to a relationship than hearing my partner admit to an indiscretion.

 

[COCK_STAR]

^^^
Coming from the guy who basically said that you can't get STDs from oral sex and the risk is so low you shouldn't worry about it.

The odds of you getting an std from a blowjob are zero if the person doesn't have an std... However if your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or husband has any stds those odds go up tenfold. Answer this. Would you want to know if your significant other contacted an std while having an affair? You may not like me, but you know I'm correct. Why would anyone argue any other point? If she spreads her disease to anyone else, it's a shame.

 

[bailadora]

The odds of you getting an std from a blowjob are zero if the person doesn't have an std...

But since many men don't get tested for HPV, they don't really know for a fact whether or not they have an STI. Lack of an active infection doesn't mean they aren't carriers of the virus or that they can't, in turn, infect someone else.

 

[COCK_STAR]

We aren't disagreeing here... The question is the op got warts from an affair, and she wants to know if she should tell her husband. The only thing that I am saying is that there should be no excuse good enough not to tell someone you have an std. It shouldn't be up to the infected person to decide if he is at risk.

 

[Lord Pmann]

The odds of you getting an std from a blowjob are zero if the person doesn't have an std... However if your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or husband has any stds those odds go up tenfold. Answer this. Would you want to know if your significant other contacted an std while having an affair? You may not like me, but you know I'm correct. Why would anyone argue any other point? If she spreads her disease to anyone else, it's a shame.

The odds of you getting an STD from bloody anal sex are zero if your partner has no infection.

 

[COCK_STAR]

Now you get it

 

[bailadora]

We aren't disagreeing here....The question is the op got warts from an affair,

Actually, we are and we aren't. We both agree that she should tell her husband that she has been positively diagnosed with HPV.

We disagree on where she might have gotten it. It is just as likely that the OP contracted the virus from her husband, as it is that she contracted it from either the person with whom she had the affair, OR from a partner she was with prior to the pair of them.

Unless two people have never engaged in ANY kind of sexual activity (this includes oral, anal, PIV sex, hand to genital contact, and kissing [yes, kissing. HPV viruses have been detected in saliva] with any one else prior to becoming involved with each other, there is NO way to determine when someone was infected with the virus, or even WHO gave it to them. Believe me when I say that this is a point I went over with ad nauseum with my medical care providers and then with my husband, when questions arose regarding my fidelity.

 

[fire_breeze]

The odds of you getting an std from a blowjob are zero if the person doesn't have an std... However if your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or husband has any stds those odds go up tenfold. Answer this. Would you want to know if your significant other contacted an std while having an affair? You may not like me, but you know I'm correct. Why would anyone argue any other point? If she spreads her disease to anyone else, it's a shame.

Buddy, I got news for you. You can't catch an STD if your partner does not have one. It's like catching a cold from someone who doesn't have a cold.

And yes, you CAN get an STD through oral. You can get HSV2 on your lips and mouth. After all, herpes is a cold sore, and the only way to tell the difference between a HSV1 and HSV2 is through a culture. Google 'gonorrhea of the throat', if you want nightmares for the rest of your life.

Some STDs are NOT routinely checked, specifically HPV and HSV unless symptoms are present. These two also lie dormant in the body until triggered. It is very VERY possible that the OP's HPV was in her system long before the affair and the stress caused her an outbreak.

Whether or not the OP confesses to the affair is up to her. Should she mention to her husband that she had HPV and then give him the relative information - such as it is very well possible that HE has it and gave it to her? Sure.

To the OP. Take it from me: do NOT google extensively medical information about any medical information (STD or otherwise - the otherwise being my case). The internet has conflicting information and many government and official websites are conservative out of necessity, plus can be dated. Get your info from a flesh and blood doctor or specialist. This will calm you down and will equip you with good, solid, up-to-date, real information.

 

[COCK_STAR]

However she got it, and whatever the statistics say, there is only one correct answer to the question. The op has to sit down and tell her husband that she has warts. I don't care how or what she tells him... The bottom line is he needs to know that he is at risk. Now lets find a way to poke holes in this statement.

 

[Lord Pmann]

^^^
That's not a incorrect statement. I didn't take issue with what you said. It's just that the original poster already said she's beating up on herself and she's scared. I don't think she needs to be shat upon further. That's all.

I agree she needs to tell him. How she does it, it's her deal. But he has a right to know.

 

[bailadora]

The bottom line is he needs to know that he is at risk. Now lets find a way to poke holes in this statement.

My whole issue with your posts (besides the rude tone of your initial one), was your steadfast insistence that the OP contracted the virus due to her affair - despite being linked to information that patently said it's nearly impossible to determine when, where or from whom a person contracts it. It just made you appear very ignorant WRT the subject STI's, and HPV in particular.

 

[COCK_STAR]

My whole issue with your posts (besides the rude tone of your initial one), was your steadfast insistence that the OP contracted the virus due to her affair - despite being linked to information that patently said it's nearly impossible to determine when, where or from whom a person contracts it. It just made you appear very ignorant WRT the subject STI's, and HPV in particular.

Well, thank you for your concern... Lets see... She had an affair, and now she has warts. In my world 1+1=2. You are correct. She could have gotten it from him, his brother, or one of the twenty guys she nailed before she got married. Bottom line is that she had an affair and now she has it. Ignorance isn't the problem here. The problem is the fact that she has an std and is considering not telling her husband. It's okay to be wrong, honey. What's not okay is to keep insisting that your are right. I could care less where she got it from, but she could have gotten it from the affair.

 

[Elixxxher]

Please know this is a serious post and I wrote it with a great deal of shame and sadness in my heart.

I am married, for over 8 years, we have one child. Our sex life is non-existent and has been for many years. I had an affair over a year ago, and about 2 months ago I found out I have a low-risk strain of hpv. It caused two warts, just below my pubic hair line, which I had surgically removed (ouch.) I was told this is a low risk strain meaning low risk for cancer and transmission.

I've read everything about hpv I can - the problem is there are 120 types and a lot of conflicting info out there. From what I read it can go away on its own, although there really isnt a cure. Up to 75% of adults may have it!

Anyway, my question is, do I tell my husband about the affair and the hpv? We do not have sex, like at all, and have not has any sort of sexual contact for a few years.

I just dont know if i should confess, wait this out, or what ...

I feel horrible, dirty, diseased and ruined. Needless to say have spiraled into a depression and have had to increased my anti-depressant Rx over this because I was afraid I would not recover from this.

Thank you for hearing me.

You should be straight with your husband. You said you loved him so talk to him and always be truthful.

 

[pplwatching]

I agree that being open with your husband about your diagnosis is important. It would be understandable if his response is to question your fidelity. IMHO you should be prepared to answer him honestly if he does. If he doesn't ask, then obviously it's up to you if you want to disclose the affair but I think it's worth it. Marriage is hard enough when intimacy and sex have dwindled. It becomes even more difficult if you can't be honest with each other. Indiscretions and deceptions tend to lead to more of the same. The problems will only get worse. I don't know the conversations that you've had with your husband about your sex life, and I don't know your circumstances. If it's the 800 lb gorilla in the room that you both pretend isn't there, then perhaps this is the wake up call that restarts your marriage.

Beyond that, I feel that he has a right to know that you have HPV. HPV is linked to other issues. In addition, if you do manage to begin to rebuild your marriage then having disclosed this information now you won't have to deal with it later.

<Soap box snipped>

How about some compassion for another person? It's very easy to judge others when we're not walking in their shoes. It's one thing to advocate personal accountability for one's choices, and to encourage open and honest dialogue in marriage. People do that all of the time on this board. It's another thing to brow beat, sermonize, and moralize when you don't live her life. The surest way to get someone to tune you out and ignore anything you might have to say, however positive, is to lecture them.

 

[Bramblethorn]

The odds of you getting an std from a blowjob are zero if the person doesn't have an std... However if your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or husband has any stds those odds go up tenfold.

Not to be a pedant or anything, but ten times zero would still be zero.

 

[subdued_passion]

Please know this is a serious post and I wrote it with a great deal of shame and sadness in my heart.

I am married, for over 8 years, we have one child. Our sex life is non-existent and has been for many years. I had an affair over a year ago, and about 2 months ago I found out I have a low-risk strain of hpv. It caused two warts, just below my pubic hair line, which I had surgically removed (ouch.) I was told this is a low risk strain meaning low risk for cancer and transmission.

I've read everything about hpv I can - the problem is there are 120 types and a lot of conflicting info out there. From what I read it can go away on its own, although there really isnt a cure. Up to 75% of adults may have it!

Anyway, my question is, do I tell my husband about the affair and the hpv? We do not have sex, like at all, and have not has any sort of sexual contact for a few years.

I just dont know if i should confess, wait this out, or what ...

I feel horrible, dirty, diseased and ruined. Needless to say have spiraled into a depression and have had to increased my anti-depressant Rx over this because I was afraid I would not recover from this.

Thank you for hearing me.

for your advice ... and opinions.

i love my husband, he's a good father and a good man. i stay to keep our little family unit together, we have the house, the kid, the dogs, the nice jobs, the good friends. it's all quite nice and i won't be the monster who rips that apart.
my affair was me trying to feel loved and sexy again, clearly it backfired and i git what i deserved.

Please don't take medical advice from anyone who hasn't examined you or at least looked at your reports.

Please do confide in a real life friend- someone who won't judge you but will help you laugh at the irony that is life.

 

[Que]

Some advice- Let go of the guilt, hold on to the lesson.

To a fresh start.

I'm not going to start a fan club or anything...but this is an outstanding post.