Serious advice needed

[ohwhynot77]

Please know this is a serious post and I wrote it with a great deal of shame and sadness in my heart.

I am married, for over 8 years, we have one child. Our sex life is non-existent and has been for many years. I had an affair over a year ago, and about 2 months ago I found out I have a low-risk strain of hpv. It caused two warts, just below my pubic hair line, which I had surgically removed (ouch.) I was told this is a low risk strain meaning low risk for cancer and transmission.

I've read everything about hpv I can - the problem is there are 120 types and a lot of conflicting info out there. From what I read it can go away on its own, although there really isnt a cure. Up to 75% of adults may have it!

Anyway, my question is, do I tell my husband about the affair and the hpv? We do not have sex, like at all, and have not has any sort of sexual contact for a few years.

I just dont know if i should confess, wait this out, or what ...

I feel horrible, dirty, diseased and ruined. Needless to say have spiraled into a depression and have had to increased my anti-depressant Rx over this because I was afraid I would not recover from this.

Thank you for hearing me.

 

[Trimjob69]

Please know this is a serious post and I wrote it with a great deal of shame and sadness in my heart.

I am married, for over 8 years, we have one child. Our sex life is non-existent and has been for many years. I had an affair over a year ago, and about 2 months ago I found out I have a low-risk strain of hpv. It caused two warts, just below my pubic hair line, which I had surgically removed (ouch.) I was told this is a low risk strain meaning low risk for cancer and transmission.

I've read everything about hpv I can - the problem is there are 120 types and a lot of conflicting info out there. From what I read it can go away on its own, although there really isnt a cure. Up to 75% of adults may have it!

Anyway, my question is, do I tell my husband about the affair and the hpv? We do not have sex, like at all, and have not has any sort of sexual contact for a few years.

I just dont know if i should confess, wait this out, or what ...

I feel horrible, dirty, diseased and ruined. Needless to say have spiraled into a depression and have had to increased my anti-depressant Rx over this because I was afraid I would not recover from this.

Thank you for hearing me.

Do you love your husband?

 

[COCK_STAR]

You are a horrible person if you don't tell him, and you infect him. Unless his penis doesn't work, eventually you guys will do the deed again if you plan on staying married.

 

[SweetErika]

If there's ZERO risk of transmitting the HPV to your husband, I'm not certain you have a moral obligation to inform him. Now you certainly would need to before there was ever any sexual contact with him, or anyone else.

You're right, nearly all sexually active people get HPV at some point or another, so it's nothing to feel dirty or ashamed about.

What's far more concerning is the state of your marriage. IMHO, that is what you need to focus on changing so you can be happy and a better role model for your child. Are you doing talk therapy along with the medication? If not, I'd strongly suggest (depression/anxiety become far better managed when the two are combined) it and working out a plan of where you want to go from here, whether it's working out an solution with your husband or going your separate ways.

 

[bailadora]

I can't speak to confessing to the affair, but here's what I know about HPV:

1) The virus can lie dormant within the body for years before ever becoming an active infection. While the infection usually clears on it's own, the virus itself stays with you for the rest of your life. Which means that future outbreaks are also possible.

2) Unless both partners have never engaged in ANY type of sexual activity/behavior with someone else, it's usually impossible to pinpoint who has infected who. This is because so many people are carriers, without even being aware of it. You may have gotten this strain from the affair you had. Then again, you might have gotten it from another sexual partner (your husband included) and it's possible that it's only now flared into an infection.

The information above came from my obgyn about three or four years ago, after an abnormal pap revealed an HPV infection. The only other trouble I'd ever had with my Pap prior to that was around 18/19 years old, when I found out I had a case of mild cervical dysplasia (which we now know is linked to HPV).

Anyway, my husband wanted to know how in the hell I ended up with an STI, when we've been monogamous with each other for the last 25 years. Basically, because the terminology used in talking about HPV is not very concise, there were a few tense conversations between us, until he got his thinking realigned.

I'm not sure if that helps as to whether or not you cop to the affair, but I do think it prudent to let him know that you've definitely been diagnosed with a strain of HPV. I think he should know so that he can keep an eye out for possible signs of infection within himself.

 

[gagginforit]

I don't have any advice really, I just wanted to offer a voice of support and tell you not to beat yourself up too much. We all make mistakes. Life is often messy. If you're not putting anyone at immediate risk give yourself permission to do what YOU need to do to get through this. You'll probably have to face telling your husband eventually. But only you can decide that.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm not sure if that helps as to whether or not you cop to the affair, but I do think it prudent to let him know that you've definitely been diagnosed with a strain of HPV. I think he should know so that he can keep an eye out for possible signs of infection within himself.

That's an angle I didn't consider, and I agree you need to tell him for that reason. If you two have shared HPV at some point, then it'd be something he'd need to watch for and inform any partner he may have about.

I'd skip the affair conversation. It's over and not pertinent to your current situation unless you're planning on more affairs. What good can come of telling him you cheated on him, really? You can simply inform him you were recently diagnosed with an HPV infection that could have come from any previous sexual partner.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I think beating yourself up is always a good idea. Its cathartic. All the QUE SARA, SARA narcissism corrodes your soul. I mean, we never hesitate a New York minute to beat the other guy for his fuck-ups.

I cant fathom why you're married but I know sex is low priority for many, in fact many cant do sex for legitimate reasons.

True confessions rightfully go along with remorse and penance. I like honesty but STFU oughta be at the top of any list for making marriage or a job or anything work.


Try and remember that when you eat out God only knows where the cooks hands have been. I always think of the movie I saw where an old asshole kept returning his burger to the kitchen for fresher mayonnaise. Well, he got it finally. So we collect crap everywhere we go. You prolly have no idea of all the other stuff that clings to your underpants, like barnacles.

 

[subdued_passion]

I just dont know if i should confess, wait this out, or what ...

I feel horrible, dirty, diseased and ruined. Needless to say have spiraled into a depression and have had to increased my anti-depressant Rx over this because I was afraid I would not recover from this.

Thank you for hearing me.

“Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own punishment in silence.”

-Dorothy Dix

 

[FGB]

Well, lets look at it .

It sounds certain that one or both of you are a carrier of some strain of HPV.

Maybe you got it screwing around ...maybe not.

Maybe you got it way back when you first had sex...who knows.

Maybe he is a carrier from picking it up somewhere, at this point who knows?
You both might have had it when you met.

I don't know how accurate this is but I found it interesting...
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20130710004857AArzwlT

Is everyone born with hpv?

No, not everyone is not born with it.

The Human papilloma virus encompasses ever wart that can appear on the body. They are over 100 HPV types. HPV types are numbered. Warts that are on the hands feet are of the large family of HPV types however they are not the same HPV types that are primarily transmitted through vaginal and anal sex. They are 40 genital HPV types. Genital HPV types can be transmitted through hand to genital sex with an infected person and through oral sex. These modes of transmission are not as common as through vaginal and anal sex, but they do occur. Studies have shown that 2% of virgins that have never engaged in any sex have an unexplained genital HPV infection.

The virus can be transmitted from mother to child during childbirth. This is a very rare occurrence. When that happens the virus it generally affects the larynx.
What is Recurrent Respiraory Papillomatosis?
Recurrent respiratory papillomatosis (RRP) is a rare disease (there are perhaps 20000 active cases in the U.S.) that is characterized by the growth of tumors in the respiratory tract caused by the human papilloma virus (HPV). Although they primarily occur in the larynx on and around the vocal cords, these growths may spread downward and affect the trachea, bronchi and occasionally the lungs.
http://www.rrpf.org/whatisRRP.html
In women the virus can cause abnormal cells of the cervix. The virus can also affect the external tissue of the genital area. The virus does not affect other reproductive organs. The only approved HPV test is for screening the cervix. There is no standard screening test for the external genital area of the male or female in the absence of genital warts. A woman can have a negative Pap and carry the virus. A Pap test alone is not an HPV test. HPV testing is approved for the woman 30 and older.

 

[Que]

I can't speak to confessing to the affair, but here's what I know about HPV:

1) The virus can lie dormant within the body for years before ever becoming an active infection. While the infection usually clears on it's own, the virus itself stays with you for the rest of your life. Which means that future outbreaks are also possible.

2) Unless both partners have never engaged in ANY type of sexual activity/behavior with someone else, it's usually impossible to pinpoint who has infected who. This is because so many people are carriers, without even being aware of it. You may have gotten this strain from the affair you had. Then again, you might have gotten it from another sexual partner (your husband included) and it's possible that it's only now flared into an infection.

The information above came from my obgyn about three or four years ago, after an abnormal pap revealed an HPV infection. The only other trouble I'd ever had with my Pap prior to that was around 18/19 years old, when I found out I had a case of mild cervical dysplasia (which we now know is linked to HPV).

Anyway, my husband wanted to know how in the hell I ended up with an STI, when we've been monogamous with each other for the last 25 years. Basically, because the terminology used in talking about HPV is not very concise, there were a few tense conversations between us, until he got his thinking realigned.

I'm not sure if that helps as to whether or not you cop to the affair, but I do think it prudent to let him know that you've definitely been diagnosed with a strain of HPV. I think he should know so that he can keep an eye out for possible signs of infection within himself.

This accurate info...I disagree with the conclusion to tell him about the infection diagnosis though. ABSOLUTELY would not tell him about the affair, not just because its easier not to, but it harms him to know more than it harms him not to know.

It's one of those judgment calls about "do no harm" when making amends/being forthright.

First you have no way of knowing if hubby gave it to you whether from dormancy or his own recent affair.

...and since he is not active with you, his risk is low, it isn't a debilitating condition and it only needlessly complicates your already terse situation.

If you MUST bring up HPV.... I would mention it as in "You know those little bumps I get from time to time? (as if he had noticed in the past)

I would be more gentle with yourself.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

“Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own punishment in silence.”

-Dorothy Dix

Yes.

One of my uncles hit on my new wife, he groped her breast, and she told me about it.

I didn't make a big production of it because I didn't want to ruin his happy marriage and upset his children. But I let him know that I knew. And when he died I did not attend his funeral.

The family believes I'm awful.

His daughter, my cousin, confronted me, and I simply explained that some mysteries are better left mysterious. I haven't heard from her since, 13 years ago. Its the cross I bear.

 

[FGB]

Yes.

One of my uncles hit on my new wife, he groped her breast, and she told me about it.

I didn't make a big production of it because I didn't want to ruin his happy marriage and upset his children. But I let him know that I knew. And when he died I did not attend his funeral.

The family believes I'm awful.

His daughter, my cousin, confronted me, and I simply explained that some mysteries are better left mysterious. I haven't heard from her since, 13 years ago. Its the cross I bear.

I'm a little colder than you are with some things.

I would have just said we had a private disagreement we could not resolve.

Then I would have attended the funeral just to make sure the SOB was dead.

 

[ohwhynot77]

thank you

for your advice ... and opinions.

i love my husband, he's a good father and a good man. i stay to keep our little family unit together, we have the house, the kid, the dogs, the nice jobs, the good friends. it's all quite nice and i won't be the monster who rips that apart.
my affair was me trying to feel loved and sexy again, clearly it backfired and i git what i deserved.

 

[subdued_passion]

for your advice ... and opinions.

i love my husband, he's a good father and a good man. i stay to keep our little family unit together, we have the house, the kid, the dogs, the nice jobs, the good friends. it's all quite nice and i won't be the monster who rips that apart.
my affair was me trying to feel loved and sexy again, clearly it backfired and i git what i deserved.

Some advice- Let go of the guilt, hold on to the lesson.

To a fresh start.

 

[FGB]

for your advice ... and opinions.

i love my husband, he's a good father and a good man. i stay to keep our little family unit together, we have the house, the kid, the dogs, the nice jobs, the good friends. it's all quite nice and i won't be the monster who rips that apart.
my affair was me trying to feel loved and sexy again, clearly it backfired and i git what i deserved.

Often the hardest and last person we forgive is ourselves.

Kind of like I was told one time..."If God forgives you for the sins you commit what right have YOU not to forgive yourself?"

This a tough one to answer.

Yes, I forgave myself even though I wasn't happy about it.

But forgiving and forgetting is two different things.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

for your advice ... and opinions.

i love my husband, he's a good father and a good man. i stay to keep our little family unit together, we have the house, the kid, the dogs, the nice jobs, the good friends. it's all quite nice and i won't be the monster who rips that apart.
my affair was me trying to feel loved and sexy again, clearly it backfired and i git what i deserved.

OK. There's a lot there worth keeping.

I have, on occasion, serviced married women who had good marriages but for the sex and the need to be desired. I'm not romantic about sex, but men are able to compartmentalize it without angst: guilty as charged. Men have asked me to service their wives, when sex was impossible, because they knew I wasn't after a mate. And some women want it so they can keep their wits about them and perform their duties and obligations without the relationship monkey on their back. Discreet gentlemen are always appreciated.

And if this route is the way you need to go, then do it, but don't mix all the rest of your soul into it.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Often the hardest and last person we forgive is ourselves.

Kind of like I was told one time..."If God forgives you for the sins you commit what right have YOU not to forgive yourself?"

This a tough one to answer.

Yes, I forgave myself even though I wasn't happy about it.

But forgiving and forgetting is two different things.

Life forces tough decisions on us. Often enough we must do what we hate, because it must be done.

I killed my brother, because it was necessary. Long story, he was a chronic mental patient, drug addict, and serious violent criminal. One night it all made a perfect storm, and to protect my wife and kids I took care of business.

My wife felt bad for me, but I told her that the real victim was her, because she now had my example to contemplate if she was ever faced with a real crisis.

 

[FGB]

Life forces tough decisions on us. Often enough we must do what we hate, because it must be done.

I killed my brother, because it was necessary. Long story, he was a chronic mental patient, drug addict, and serious violent criminal. One night it all made a perfect storm, and to protect my wife and kids I took care of business.

My wife felt bad for me, but I told her that the real victim was her, because she now had my example to contemplate if she was ever faced with a real crisis.

Now that is a tough situation.

I would not wish that on anyone, ever.

I have been close to something like that before... but by the grace of God it it worked out that I did not have to do it.

 

[Aphro]

Life forces tough decisions on us. Often enough we must do what we hate, because it must be done.

I killed my brother, because it was necessary. Long story, he was a chronic mental patient, drug addict, and serious violent criminal. One night it all made a perfect storm, and to protect my wife and kids I took care of business.

My wife felt bad for me, but I told her that the real victim was her, because she now had my example to contemplate if she was ever faced with a real crisis.

Christ. If this is true, then I am very sorry.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Christ. If this is true, then I am very sorry.

Very true. 40 years ago.

 

[subwannabe]

Tough decision. I have these questions:

1. Do you know 100% that you got this from that affair?

2. Do you know why your husband and you do not have sex? Not to complicate things but is he maybe having an affair himself or maybe he is the one who actually got the virus, passed it to you at some point, and he has been avoiding sex with you because he didn't want to pass it on to you but it was already too late?

 

[COCK_STAR]

for your advice ... and opinions.

i love my husband, he's a good father and a good man. i stay to keep our little family unit together, we have the house, the kid, the dogs, the nice jobs, the good friends. it's all quite nice and i won't be the monster who rips that apart.
my affair was me trying to feel loved and sexy again, clearly it backfired and i git what i deserved.

So you are sticking around for the fringe benefits... You needed to feel sexy again. Wah. You need to tell him that you are infected, and let him decide if it worth the risk. You are a selfish human being. I feel like the only advice that you want to hear is how to worm your way out of the situation. If you really do love your husband, you have to do the right thing. You should be ashamed of yourself. Using the kids as an excuse not to tell him is despicable.

 

[FGB]

So you are sticking around for the fringe benefits... You needed to feel sexy again. Wah. You need to tell him that you are infected, and let him decide if it worth the risk. You are a selfish human being. I feel like the only advice that you want to hear is how to worm your way out of the situation. If you really do love your husband, you have to do the right thing. You should be ashamed of yourself. Using the kids as an excuse not to tell him is despicable.

Hey now, this is the How To Board.

You want to start start some shit with someone then do it somewhere else in another thread!

LadyG doesn't mind getting PM's.

 

[COCK_STAR]

She asked a question, I gave an answer. I'm not trying to start anything. If ladyg wants to censore me because I am writing what every real man is thinking, it won't be the first time.

Hugs and kisses,
The Troll