J
JAMESBJOHNSON
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She has her moments of genius. If only they were as frequent as weeds rather than blue moons.
Serious advice needed
- Thread starter ohwhynot77
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She has her moments of genius. If only they were as frequent as weeds rather than blue moons.
GorgeousGeekGirl
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Ok, you asked a lot of questions so I'll answer them individually.
1. Do you tell him about hpv? Yes. He needs to know because hpv is linked to head and neck cancers for men and as you said, there is a lot of confusing information. I have hpv, no idea from whom, but when I was initially diagnosed a long time ago, the doctor said it was a naturally occurring annoyance, like a yeast infection. The fact that you already needed surgery makes it pretty obvious that you don't have a dormant strain.
2. Doubling up on depression meds because of the guilt: won't do any good. You are having a normal emotional response. If you did not have the guilt, then either you don't love him or you are a sociopath. Work off the guilt by being nice to him. When he asks why, tell him the lack of affection is killing you so you hope to earn his love so he will be affectionate. Hopefully it will work better on yours than mine. My husband still refuses sex.
3. Confessing the affair: do you think your marriage will survive the confession? Do you want it to? If you confess, you'll probably guarantee no sex ever. A revealed affair that leads to a drab marriage getting a better sex life only happens in fiction. You thought about you having the affair. Now it's time to think of him
4. What's your plan for living in a sexless marriage? Once again, a sexless marriage becoming passionate is the stuff of fiction, not reality. I've been in a miserable sexless marriage for 9 years. I stay because of bad economy and religious reasons. I've read tons of posts by others enduring sexless marriages, and have yet to find any that talk about how they found the cure. All I have found is people who've done like I have and tried everything and now resign themselves to despair. The 3 outcomes I've seen on the boards: divorce, more cheating, compulsive eating. I'm compulsive eating. I've gained back 15 of 40 pounds I lost. I've got nothing to lose by putting on weight since he didnt want me when I was thin. But face it, we aren't getting younger or prettier, so everyday we have less chance of our husbands ever loving us again. So, if you plan to stay, you need to be prepared for a cold sexless marriage til death or divorce.
1. Do you tell him about hpv? Yes. He needs to know because hpv is linked to head and neck cancers for men and as you said, there is a lot of confusing information. I have hpv, no idea from whom, but when I was initially diagnosed a long time ago, the doctor said it was a naturally occurring annoyance, like a yeast infection. The fact that you already needed surgery makes it pretty obvious that you don't have a dormant strain.
2. Doubling up on depression meds because of the guilt: won't do any good. You are having a normal emotional response. If you did not have the guilt, then either you don't love him or you are a sociopath. Work off the guilt by being nice to him. When he asks why, tell him the lack of affection is killing you so you hope to earn his love so he will be affectionate. Hopefully it will work better on yours than mine. My husband still refuses sex.
3. Confessing the affair: do you think your marriage will survive the confession? Do you want it to? If you confess, you'll probably guarantee no sex ever. A revealed affair that leads to a drab marriage getting a better sex life only happens in fiction. You thought about you having the affair. Now it's time to think of him
4. What's your plan for living in a sexless marriage? Once again, a sexless marriage becoming passionate is the stuff of fiction, not reality. I've been in a miserable sexless marriage for 9 years. I stay because of bad economy and religious reasons. I've read tons of posts by others enduring sexless marriages, and have yet to find any that talk about how they found the cure. All I have found is people who've done like I have and tried everything and now resign themselves to despair. The 3 outcomes I've seen on the boards: divorce, more cheating, compulsive eating. I'm compulsive eating. I've gained back 15 of 40 pounds I lost. I've got nothing to lose by putting on weight since he didnt want me when I was thin. But face it, we aren't getting younger or prettier, so everyday we have less chance of our husbands ever loving us again. So, if you plan to stay, you need to be prepared for a cold sexless marriage til death or divorce.
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Advice from one who has lived through having their spouse learn of their affairs. It's a horrible situation to live through. It's embarrassing, humiliating, and the feeling of guilt you get from knowing you've hurt someone who you care for is about as depressing and horrible as it gets. I don't recommend it and that's why affairs should be avoided if possible. Sometimes if a marriage isn't working, counseling is needed or maybe it's just time for a clean break.
That said, I'm not sure I'd tell your hubby about the affair and the HPV unless you are ready for a horrible experience. It could end your marriage. It's a true moral delemma because it would also be horrible to infect him (if you haven't already). On the other hand, as someone else said, it's even possible that you got it from your husband. How sure are you that he hasn't fooled around?
If I were you, I'd get treatment (laser perhaps) and keep after it regularl and aggressively. See how it plays out in a few months. If you infect him and indeed he isn't the source in the first place, he will learn of your affair and you'll have to deal with it then anyway. I once saw an article that said never "confess" an affair voluntarily. It may not work out as you hope and it just may end your marriage. Forgiveness is devine but it's not always common.
Good luck
That said, I'm not sure I'd tell your hubby about the affair and the HPV unless you are ready for a horrible experience. It could end your marriage. It's a true moral delemma because it would also be horrible to infect him (if you haven't already). On the other hand, as someone else said, it's even possible that you got it from your husband. How sure are you that he hasn't fooled around?
If I were you, I'd get treatment (laser perhaps) and keep after it regularl and aggressively. See how it plays out in a few months. If you infect him and indeed he isn't the source in the first place, he will learn of your affair and you'll have to deal with it then anyway. I once saw an article that said never "confess" an affair voluntarily. It may not work out as you hope and it just may end your marriage. Forgiveness is devine but it's not always common.
Good luck
HussarVanburen
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Looks like you got what you deserved. Can't really complain, can you? You violated the bonds of your marriage, and you got hit with a filthy STD.
Well, good for you feeling miserable about it. It shows you have some moral character left in you.
But yes, confess. Give him a good reason to leave you. He doesn't deserve to hvae such a miserable woman as a wife, though I haven't any clue why he wouldn't already know.
You also sound mentally unstable. I'd consider serious psychiatric help above and beyond mere "depression" medication.
Also, I should not say that you "feel" like you are horrible, dirty, disease, and ruined. You do not "feel" this way. You -are- this way. That is objectively what you are. At least you can save some of your integrity by giving him the reason to get rid of you.
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Aphro
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Christ, you are such an asshole! Can you not post on a thread without shitting all over someone personally? Do you KNOW her whole story? Why she might be driven to stray?
I seem to recall on another thread, when a MAN is not getting sex within his marriage, you were all for him seeking physical solace elsewhere if his wife was not doing her "wifely duties" but in a case where a husband is not sexually satisfying his wife, then she is to be castigated for straying from the marital bed?
I am not saying that having an affair is the right thing for ANYONE to do, but to put her down and call her "ruined" and "miserable" and that he should be getting rid of her. That is not for you to judge, it is a matter for the two of them to work out. Who knows, maybe the fact that his wife was so desperate for physical affection that she sought it outside their marriage will make her husband get his head out of his ass and start paying some attention to her.
You'll never get through to that ignoramus, he is a caveman who believes that women are property and only here to serve men. Pure proof that not every one can evolve.
Aphro
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I never said she shouldn't tell him...absolutely she should. If there is any chance that she's ever going to have sex with her husband again, he has to know.
That's why I said maybe this would be an opportunity for them to talk about *why* she had the affair in the first place, and, if they do want to continue in this marriage, how they can move forward from here so that she won't feel like she has to go around looking to get sexual gratification elsewhere. I just can't see how any marriage can survive no sexual intimacy, ever, for years and years like this. So yeah, he has to know, but he has to realize she's not a nun, either.
Emerson40
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Wasting your time with this one Aphroditac. He only posts to provoke (usually on the tails of another's post - he's completely incapable of original thought or discourse).
Secondly, you are speaking of issues that are beyond the scope of Grand Theft Auto, and the four walls of his mom's basement. Save your breath.
COCK_STAR
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I attribute all of this negativity towards me to a bunch of weak men raised without fathers in their home. There is no way in hell that any man should take back his wife after this. I don't feel sorry for the op, and none of you should. She made here whore bed, and now it's time to lay in it.
Emerson40
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Walks like Freudian Projection.
Quacks like Freudian Projection.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lWBaFqVen1s/UgFhntyiWgI/AAAAAAAAANs/4dhXrGIu2Wk/s320/Projection.jpg
Quacks like Freudian Projection.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lWBaFqVen1s/UgFhntyiWgI/AAAAAAAAANs/4dhXrGIu2Wk/s320/Projection.jpg
COCK_STAR
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I'm sorry, but your obviously limited knowledge of psychology means nothing to me. I'm going to say a prayer for you.
Dear god, please help this weak man find his way. I know that being a scholar was never in the plans for him, but please at least give him the courage and enough brains to become a real man. God allmighty please help the op to not be such a selfish, disgusting human being.
Amen
Dear god, please help this weak man find his way. I know that being a scholar was never in the plans for him, but please at least give him the courage and enough brains to become a real man. God allmighty please help the op to not be such a selfish, disgusting human being.
Amen
I am not saying that it is ok to have an affair, and it matters not that the OP is a female. What does matter is that one partner decided awhile ago that it was fine for them to withhold intimacy from their spouse. That is NOT ok regardless of gender. What is the one who wants intimacy to do? Leaving is not always the answer. You can still love the person deeply, have children, there is an established family history, and that is not easy to walk away from, especially when it is the other person who changed the rules. Why does the one who wants to have intimacy have to be the one made to suffer even more? Sure, talking to your spouse can work, but often times it does not.
The problem I have with a couple of the posters here is that they seem to think that it is within their rights to persecute her, yet if she was the one withholding sex, they would be telling the husband to be "a man", force her to submit, blah blah blah. Calling her a "whore" is inappropriate and shows lack of empathy towards a complex situation that has a complicated web of issues that led the OP down the path of infidelity. Instead of taking her to the center of town and stoning her, maybe we should be asking her husband why he decided sex is no longer on the table.
I do think she needs to discuss this with her husband, not out of guilt, but out of need to restore her own sanity. Withholding intimacy is often considered a passive-aggressive way to control a spouse, so they both need to find out the root cause. It could be the catalyst they need to break down the marriage to the bare bones then rebuild it.
The problem I have with a couple of the posters here is that they seem to think that it is within their rights to persecute her, yet if she was the one withholding sex, they would be telling the husband to be "a man", force her to submit, blah blah blah. Calling her a "whore" is inappropriate and shows lack of empathy towards a complex situation that has a complicated web of issues that led the OP down the path of infidelity. Instead of taking her to the center of town and stoning her, maybe we should be asking her husband why he decided sex is no longer on the table.
I do think she needs to discuss this with her husband, not out of guilt, but out of need to restore her own sanity. Withholding intimacy is often considered a passive-aggressive way to control a spouse, so they both need to find out the root cause. It could be the catalyst they need to break down the marriage to the bare bones then rebuild it.
Emerson40
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Good luck on your journey TrollTroll, you poor, poor boy. All your posts make sense now (not your atrocious spelling and grammar, that's a separate cross you bear).
All the best coming to terms with your abandonment issues.
http://www.serenitylongview.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/abandonment1.jpg
COCK_STAR
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None of us know the real story. I could care less that she stepped outside her marriage, or why. The question was if she should tell her husband that she has an std or not. Sometimes people ask questions that they don't want to hear answers to. I find it disgusting that people would sympathize with and stick up for her. It's because of people like her that stds are so commen. There is no excuse to pass an std to another person if you know you have one.
Emerson40
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Your cry for help is heart-breaking.
http://www.childanddevelopment.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/child53.jpg
I hope you find peace soon.
http://www.childanddevelopment.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/child53.jpg
I hope you find peace soon.
Emerson40
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More projection. 
Just breaks one's heart.
http://cdn1.cdnme.se/882583/7-3/1731501_517e08ca9606ee3312eef6c9.jpg
Just breaks one's heart.
http://cdn1.cdnme.se/882583/7-3/1731501_517e08ca9606ee3312eef6c9.jpg
This is where your lack of maturity shines. This is not about sides, she didn't ask whether she was right or wrong about having an affair, she wanted to know what she should do now that she is suffering from some unintended consequences.
It is possible to give advice without adding vitriolic conjecture. It helps no one in this situation.
Aphro
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Yours is still waiting for the touch of a human being, apparently.
COCK_STAR
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Fuckin a... Great post! You made me smile.
Aphro
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I have to wonder what your idea of a "real man" is...not sure we would be on the same page with that one.
And I have a man, very real, so no worries there.
J
JAMESBJOHNSON
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It's me.
I sent him my REAL MEN REEL THEM IN training manual.
I sent him my REAL MEN REEL THEM IN training manual.
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