Self Esteem

[Eilan]

I used to have terrible self esteem issues, 20 years ago. I was just a teen, and it was terrible - I couldn't hold my head high when I entered a room. I was too ugly, too stupid, too slutty, etc etc.

When I was 16, during summer vacation I decided I would pretend to be confident; from that day forward I always acted like I had the healthy self esteem I always wanted. I faked it, that I thought I was beautiful, I was smart, I was clever, I was fun. I never stopped pretending.

About 10 years later, I realized I wasn't pretending anymore, I really felt good about myself.

Maybe there is a therapeutic shortcut, I don't know, but this worked for me. And 20 years after the initial fraud, I feel pretty damn good.

The fake-it-until-you-make-it approach has worked well for me in the past.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

My self esteem has a huge impact on what happens in relations and life. As shown recently, if I feel very down about myself, I tend to shy away, admit everything is wrong and not want to make any sudden moves. Most of the time I see myself as unattractive, and unwanted by women, because I am so use to it.


I tried telling myself not to be against myself, but for me it doesn't work like that. I need to just do it, and get it over with. For me, I get highs and lows, where I can do anything, or I can do nothing. It's a crazy ride I live.


Ravin

 

[silverwhisper]

that's very, very cool. :> i've used that myself.

ed

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks for the bump, Eilan...I think it is a great place to share techniques and problem-solve.

The fake-it approach has worked for me as well. Apart from just living/acting it, I write "I am..." affirmations and post them where I can see and read them many times a day. That's really helped to reinforce what I want to accomplish thought and life-wise, and it doesn't take much to start becoming/believing what's on the paper.

I also counter low-self esteem thoughts with logic, because a lot of them are broad generalizations and simply not true.

 

[Eilan]

Thanks for the bump, Eilan...I think it is a great place to share techniques and problem-solve.

When you started this thread, I was lurking and working up the nerve to register and post.

As I mentioned in the other thread, I've been having some body-image issues lately. And while I know that self-esteem isn't ALL about body-image, it can be THE problem for some women.

I know it's not rational, and I'm trying to tell myself that, but for the moment, I'm kinda beating myself up. Hell, when it comes to other aspects of who I am, I'm confident almost (but not quite) to the point of arrogance.

I'm sure it'll pass (it always does), but right now it's damn frustrating.

 

[Munachi]

as i said in the other thread i used to have a lot of problems with my self esteem, even though i grew up in a great family... well i suppose not all was perfect there either and in part it probably influenced me. mainly i was bullied in school to a certain degree and in my early teenage years just had no friends at all - i still sometimes think that because of this i am somewhat insecure in certain parts of social interaction...

anyway, the main way i got more self confidence was going away from home for a year when i was 17. i suppose i realized i don't need all those people at home, that i am able to get along in a completely different part of the world, and that i had seen and learned things most people back home didn't even know about... i think it is still this that gives me most self confidence, that i just go and do the things i want to do (mainly travel etc.) while those people that i went to school with and that were so cool back then and didn't want to have to do with me, well, most of them are still stuck back there in a boring small town...

 

[rip_1_4_u]

My self esteem has a huge impact on what happens in relations and life. As shown recently, if I feel very down about myself, I tend to shy away, admit everything is wrong and not want to make any sudden moves. Most of the time I see myself as unattractive, and unwanted by women, because I am so use to it.

I tried telling myself not to be against myself, but for me it doesn't work like that. I need to just do it, and get it over with. For me, I get highs and lows, where I can do anything, or I can do nothing. It's a crazy ride I live.
Ravin

Ravin, I have often felt like you do, felt very down on myself and thought that everything was my fault-I'd then disappear for a while into myself (or a long while). My father regularly told me I was stupid and ugly, and it left a huge mark on me. I was very good in school, so logically I knew I wasn't stupid, but it was hard to *feel* smart. But being good at something (anything) really has helped me feel better about myself.

The more I've done stuff I've liked, the more I felt I deserved to do what made me happy.

For a long time, I thought being happy was not feeling pain. I really didn't know there was anything after painlessness...it's been a shock to find out that there is a whole level of positive feelings available after nothingness!

As far as being attractive, since I was told I was ugly, even though I was ok looking, I didn't believe it. I spent a lot of time beating myself up for being ugly.

When people did find me attractive, I didn't believe them. Finally, I thought that maybe I wasn't too bad looking, but felt overwhelmed by any attention I got. I just wanted to hide. So I spent a lot of time gaining weight so I could disappear into the woodwork. And then I would beat up on myself for being ugly!

I still hate the way I look, even though I don't look too bad. I stopped comparing myself to other people, but now I compare myself to how I use to look...ugh! literotica has probably helped me the most since I now see other people have similiar feelings about themselves, no matter how they look.

In spite of not liking how I look, I decided I'd talk to people online. A lot of people liked me and were interested me, but it took a long time before I'd let anyone see how I looked. I assumed that'd they think I was ugly! But I got to the point where it didn't matter, I'd just move on if they didn't like how I looked.

What's ironic, is that I really don't care how *other* people look. I really do value how people think, talk, flirt, if they make me laugh, are witty, and are interesting. Hopefully, one day, I'll apply those same standards to myself. I hope the same for you, too.

 

[SweetErika]

I talked about the following technique briefly previously in this thread and others, but I already had it written down and thought I'd post it because maybe it'll help someone else. I'd say it's one of the most useful tools I've ever learned, and it's improved my self-esteem more than anything else.

The basic idea is that you must identify your negative thoughts and patterns, logically challenge them, and replace them with positive thoughts. You should write down the questions in bold, and fill in your own answers. According to most therapists, it's more helpful if you write by hand instead of type because typing diverts thoughts and uses a different part of your brain. Here's an example:

Thought: "I'm ugly"

Challenge:

-What's the evidence for this idea?
You might say: My thoughts

-What's the evidence against this idea?
You might say: Reality. I'm really not ugly. When I look in the mirror, I find some attractive parts. Just because I say something, doesn't mean it's reality.

-Is this a habit vs. fact?
You might say:It’s a habit to think I’m unattractive and not good enough.

-Am I substituting my own interpretations for reality?
You might say: Yes. My view probably isn’t accurate in the grand scheme of things

-Am I using words like good/bad, always/never?
You might say: Yes. I often say, "I always look bad. I'm never good enough."

-Are you exaggerating the meaning of the event, thought, or feeling?
You might say: Yes. Just because I don't like my ____, doesn't mean I can make the grand generalization that I'm ugly as a whole.

-Are you taking examples out of context?
You might say: Yes. I'm failing to look at all of the attractive parts, and focusing on the ones I feel are negative.

-Are you making excuses?
You might say: Yes, it’s okay to beat myself up because it’ll make me more motivated to change.

-Is the source of information reliable?
You might say: I’m not a reliable source of information because I have low self esteem

-Are you ignoring important facts?
You might say: Yes, I’m ignoring the fact that other people find me attractive and that looks don't really matter.

-Are you thinking in terms of high probability when it’s a low probability, or vice versa?
You might say: Yes, I think there’s a high probability I’ll be like this forever, when I’ll likely change when I start feeling
better about myself.

-Are you reasoning from how you feel?
You might say: Yes. I feel bad=I am bad. I feel ugly=I am ugly.

-Who says so?
You might say: I do. (But I'm not really a reliable source of information on these things because I feel bad about myself in general)

-Am I projecting my thoughts and feelings on others?
You might say: Yes. I feel ugly, so everyone else must feel the same.

-Am I "mind reading" (thinking that others think this about me)?
You might say: Yes. Just today, I thought someone was looking at me and must have been thinking about how unattractive I was.

-What am I getting out of thinking this?
You might say: It's easier than working on my self esteem and it's my pattern.

-What's the worst that could realistically happen if it's true?
You might say: Well, I might not be as attractive as I'd like, but I can change somethings and let all of my positive qualities shine through. Appearance matters very little anyway.

-What can I replace this thought with?
You might say: I'm beautiful/handsome. I'm attractive. I have many great qualities. People are drawn to me. I value inner beauty. (Write all of these thoughts down on paper, and post them where you'll see and read them several times a day, then keep repeating them. In time, you'll automatically jump to one of these positive thoughts instead of "I'm ugly.")

 

[south_florida_bicur]

Remember Me?

Stopping by and saying hi..

SweetErika how are you doing? You are an awesome person!

 

[karndav]

My self esteem has many times impacted my sex life but I am working hard to improve that! I am learning to count on myself to make me happy. To love myself no matter what I look like and that a sexy attitude starts in the mind not with the body.

 

[LotusDreamer]

I think we all have self-esteem issues at some point in our lives. It's all about how we handle it.

As a teenager I had classic self-esteem issues: I wasn't good enough. I wasn't pretty enough, nor smart enough for anyone to ever be interested in me. As I got older and interacted more (I must admit I have faked it on several occassions, still do in extremely unfamiliar territory) all those issues began to disappear as I realized people came in varieties for a reason.

P.S. Does anyone see a difference between confidence and self-esteem?
I'm thinking they are very different concepts.

 

[Eilan]

P.S. Does anyone see a difference between confidence and self-esteem?
I'm thinking they are very different concepts.

I see them as somewhat different, yet very much connected. When I think of "confidence," I think more of something that's visible (like the way I project/carry myself), whereas "self-esteem" is more internal. If that makes any sense.

 

[LotusDreamer]

I see them as somewhat different, yet very much connected. When I think of "confidence," I think more of something that's visible (like the way I project/carry myself), whereas "self-esteem" is more internal. If that makes any sense.

That makes perfect sense Eilan. I know people who project an air of confindence, however they bash themselves in private.