Self Esteem

[bad kitty]

I think this is much more prevalent in western societies, and most prevalent in the US.

Go to India and try telling people you hate yourself because you need to lose 10 lbs. They'll look at you like you're nuts.

;-) I'd look at them like their nuts too. 10 lbs is chump change that comes and goes with the direction of the breeze.

I am truely my own worst enemy. It may very well stem from my childhood where I was always criticised for being the poor, fat girl with glasses. I was always the ugly duckling. I busted past that in High School, but after I got married, and isolated, it all reverted back worse than ever. At least before I could project my anger on the assholes who gave me shit. Now, the only person telling me how horrid I look is me.

I have been trying to search out how to just like me. The physical me. I love who I am as a person, as an entity. It's the shell that haunts me.

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[bad kitty]

You just have to stop giving a shit about it. Seriously. It took me over 35 years, but I finally don't give a fuck if someone doesn't like the size of my ass. But I realized that if that's what's most important to them about another person, then they have a lot of things to learn about life. And then I realized that if that's what's most important to *me* about myself, then I still have a lot of things to learn.

I know that's a lot easier to say than to do.

Pssst, I don't give a fuck what anyone esle thinks of my ass, or anything else that matters. This is completely fucked up within me, not from any other source. I haven't cared what otehrs thought since somewhere around 3rd grade... I think I was 7 then. I have never been one to care what "normal" or "trendy" waas. I am strongly my own person, which is one of teh many reasons I love who I am (my entity).

Better be careful. last time I said I no longer give a fuck I got hunted down. *looks side to side*

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[SweetErika]

It seems like most of the self esteem issues being brought up here are about physical attributes.

My issues are mostly emotional, but they extend into the physical. Essentially, I criticize myself for everything...feelings, thoughts, actions, appearance. Either way, I think the fundamentals of improving self-esteem are the same.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

I don't know what to say. But when I need a little self esteem pick-me-up, I cheat and use someone else's words:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us, it's in Everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
Source: Inaugural Speech of Nelson Mandela (South Africa, 1994)

I love that. I'm going to copy it and send it to both my daughters right now!

 

[Monazwx]

Isn't it great.

I'm making a copy as well. But for myself.

 

[rakastuja]

Interesting and touching thread...

I dont have much self-esteem, if any. I get hurt from every single negative comment I hear - and sometimes get manical highs from positive comments. I pretty much feel myself to be what other think I am.

It has made good actor. I need to please people around me - I need to make them like me. Because if they dont like me, it will mean to me that Im somehow flawed and inadequate. Its same in sex too. I need to please my partner. Sometimes it almost feels that sex is a huge challenge where I need to do my best to make someone like me. No wonder many of my fantasies are very submissive ones... losing control, losing need to do this and that - and especially need for constant thinking is very tempting.

But its not like Im a mindless pleaser - more like the acting tends to make me manipulator. I need to show what I think others would like to see. Many times it is all about twisting what I say and doing things just to create right kind of impression. I love net because its easier to me to try to be myself here.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Interesting and touching thread...

I dont have much self-esteem, if any. I get hurt from every single negative comment I hear - and sometimes get manical highs from positive comments. I pretty much feel myself to be what other think I am.

It has made good actor. I need to please people around me - I need to make them like me. Because if they dont like me, it will mean to me that Im somehow flawed and inadequate. Its same in sex too. I need to please my partner. Sometimes it almost feels that sex is a huge challenge where I need to do my best to make someone like me. No wonder many of my fantasies are very submissive ones... losing control, losing need to do this and that - and especially need for constant thinking is very tempting.

But its not like Im a mindless pleaser - more like the acting tends to make me manipulator. I need to show what I think others would like to see. Many times it is all about twisting what I say and doing things just to create right kind of impression. I love net because its easier to me to try to be myself here.

I have many of these same feelings/needs. The need to please everyone. (especially sexually) The need for everyone to get along. And definately the submissive thing! But I don't feel like it makes me have less self esteem? hmmmm?

I will say that it seems many here have or had low self esteem. When I was working to build mine back up from floor mat it took years - like almost 20 years to accomplish. Hang in there everyone!

 

[SweetErika]

I have many of these same feelings/needs. The need to please everyone. (especially sexually) The need for everyone to get along. And definately the submissive thing! But I don't feel like it makes me have less self esteem? hmmmm?

I will say that it seems many here have or had low self esteem. When I was working to build mine back up from floor mat it took years - like almost 20 years to accomplish. Hang in there everyone!

I don't think having those feelings or behaviors necessarily causes low self esteem, but I do think they can be a symptom of it. In your case, perhaps they're naturally part of your personality or relics leftover from when you had low self esteem.

CBG (I'm not going to call you Crazy), can you share some of the things you learned and did to build your self esteem? Where did you start? What are the steps you took?

 

[crazybbwgirl]

I don't think having those feelings or behaviors necessarily causes low self esteem, but I do think they can be a symptom of it. In your case, perhaps they're naturally part of your personality or relics leftover from when you had low self esteem.

CBG (I'm not going to call you Crazy), can you share some of the things you learned and did to build your self esteem? Where did you start? What are the steps you took?

Ya know - I didn't do anything to intentionally boost my self esteem. I didn't realize when I was doing it - that it would boost my self esteem. It wasn't until years later I looked back and realized I wasn't a doormat anymore.

I was 24 with a 3 yr old and 6 mo. preg with the second child when I moved out of my husband's house. He was beating me right in front of my daughter! (and if it hadn't been for my daughter I sometimes wonder how long I would have stayed there - might even be there still! scarey....) Moved to a tiny 2 BR upper apartment. I had no job, no skills, no money, no nothing!

I started babysitting to make money. Went back to school (which was basically free cuz of my financial state) Finished school with an Assoc. Degree (big woop! lol) Got a job. And then the hard part started! lol Not really. But I immersed myself in work and kids - as we all do at that stage.

I picked my head up and looked around 10 years later and I had a decent job a nice home and 2 fabulous wonderful awesome kids. Cool! Then I realized that I had quit dating icky boys. Was being much more careful about giving my heart away too freely. And realized that I didn't even need a guy to make me feel happy and complete. I guess it was then that I thought - 'gee - I'm pretty awesome." And I've been thinking it ever since! lol

I still think there has to be an easier way though.....

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Calamity Jane]

I am truely my own worst enemy.

You have to shut the voice down, BK. I struggle with this too. I walk past a mirror, and the voice starts up "Wow, you look like hell today... has your ass grown?... tits are a little saggy this morning... gonna color your hair sometime in this decade?"

Sometimes, I have to actually look in the mirror and tell myself to shut the hell up. That I'm not going to listen to that voice any more.

And ya know what has helped me to do that, more than anything else? I started caring what other people think. I started really listening when my lover told me I'm beautiful, or my mother asked if I'd lost weight, or someone at work said that I looked nice on a particular day. All of those people can't be wrong. They all can't be crazy.

Listen to the ones that love you. Let them help to build you up. Sooner or later, you'll start to see yourself just a little through their eyes. You'll look in the mirror and think 'Yeah, he's right, I DO have beautiful eyes.' (or insert random lover-ish compliment here). I happen to know that the men in your life aren't liars, and they're not stupid. If they say it, they mean it. So listen. And believe them. And give a damn what they think.

Really.

 

[CoolidgEffect]

Listen to the ones that love you. Let them help to build you up. Sooner or later, you'll start to see yourself just a little through their eyes.

...

Really.

Orca been whispering in your ear again?

 

[Calamity Jane]

Orca been whispering in your ear again?

LOL

The things that animal would say to me would NOT improve my self esteem.

 

[Xectxny19X]

in my experience, when I had really low self-esteem, I was really sexual and having higher self-esteem now, I'm not so. I don't know if that's a good thing for me or not though. Take care.

 

[SweetErika]

in my experience, when I had really low self-esteem, I was really sexual and having higher self-esteem now, I'm not so. I don't know if that's a good thing for me or not though. Take care.

Do you think you were really more sexual, or did you just express your sexuality in a different way?

At any rate, I don't doubt that's common...sex can make you feel more attractive, liked, powerful, etc....it goes with the whole thing of needing/seeking approval and validation from outside sources because you can't find it within yourself. But when people do it for the wrong reasons, they often feel worse, and it becomes cyclical.

 

[Xectxny19X]

Do you think you were really more sexual, or did you just express your sexuality in a different way?

At any rate, I don't doubt that's common...sex can make you feel more attractive, liked, powerful, etc....it goes with the whole thing of needing/seeking approval and validation from outside sources because you can't find it within yourself. But when people do it for the wrong reasons, they often feel worse, and it becomes cyclical.

I really like how you put that. That really brings it home to my heart and I'm still dealing with a lot of things self-esteem wise. Thanks so much for your comment. Take care.

 

[Lady Legs]

My self esteem was helped when I fell in love (both times )

I spent years being bullied, in and out of hospital and generally being kicked by life but then things started getting better I was just turning 17 when I fell for the guy I first went out with (3 1/2 years it lasted) and started to enjoy life a little. Then he dumped me over the phone.

At my 22nd birthday party, I realise my best friend was the man I wanted and my self esteem has improved by leaps and bounds.

I even see someone pretty in the mirror.

 

[SweetErika]

My self esteem was helped when I fell in love (both times )

I spent years being bullied, in and out of hospital and generally being kicked by life but then things started getting better I was just turning 17 when I fell for the guy I first went out with (3 1/2 years it lasted) and started to enjoy life a little. Then he dumped me over the phone.

At my 22nd birthday party, I realise my best friend was the man I wanted and my self esteem has improved by leaps and bounds.

I even see someone pretty in the mirror.

That's great, LL! Is there anything you say or do, or your SO does that gives you an extra boost?

 

[Lady Legs]

My SO gives me the boost and the fact that at 27 I've come to terms with the stuff that happened

 

[Guest]

Having any degree of Self Esteem is like being a boss and having an employee. The more you berate and brow-beat that employee the worse the quality of the employee will be. The more you build up and support the employee the better quality that employee is for you. Its all about the choices we make.

However, outside influences can help or harm that self esteem, the employee, if the employer makes the wrong choices about the input from other sources. Its a choice to let in the good or the bad or both.

Though I have a high self esteem, I still feel that much better about myself when my wife is sincerely interested and enthusiastic about something I want to do or try. That's something that I'll happily let in for my employee to enjoy.

 

[south_florida_bicur]

You pick the people with whom you have relationships. If you have an unhealthy relationship with someone, you choose to be in that relationship.

There is no relationship that you have to stay in if it belittles you. No relationship. Sure, you want people to like you, but if they don't are you going to define yourself by them or are you going to define yourself?

Yes, you chose to be in that relationshiop BUT you chose that because of your lack of self esteem.

If one has positive self esteem he / she would not chose to be in the relationship. He / She knows the situation is wrong but why do they stay in it then?

The person is afraid that if they end the relationship, there will not be another relationship around the corner.

That is the definition of lack of self esteem.

How do we fix that?

 

[ksmybuttons]

Yes, you chose to be in that relationshiop BUT you chose that because of your lack of self esteem.

If one has positive self esteem he / she would not chose to be in the relationship. He / She knows the situation is wrong but why do they stay in it then?

The person is afraid that if they end the relationship, there will not be another relationship around the corner.

That is the definition of lack of self esteem.

How do we fix that?

Spend time on yourself rather than a relationship?

 

[south_florida_bicur]

Spend time on yourself rather than a relationship?

What will that do?

How does that improve my self esteem?

I look in the mirror and do not see what others see. Plus, I have tried picking up girls only to be rejected constantly by the same reason over and over.