Self Esteem

[SweetErika]

What will that do?

How does that improve my self esteem?

I look in the mirror and do not see what others see. Plus, I have tried picking up girls only to be rejected constantly by the same reason over and over.

It depends on the relationship, but if it's one where your SO doesn't treat you well, getting away from it could improve your self esteem. I think the fact that you're taking control of the situation and your life and doing something that's good for YOU is a confidence builder, and an indication that you're ready to be on your own and make some changes. It signals that you're not being controlled by fear (even of being alone) anymore, and that's great.

When you don't put time and energy into feeling bad and you take ownership of your feelings and life, you're able to focus on who you are, growing, and changing. You may be more able to put effort into self esteem exercises, or just break out of the negative patterns you've fallen into. You don't have to be alone to do that, but you can't be with someone who's not completely supportive and willing to help and love you through the hard work and growth.

Why do you think you're being rejected over and over? Is it really something physical? What can you do to feel better about it? Think about these wise words from Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Is is possible the rejections are a reaction to how you truly feel about yourself?

 

[crazybbwgirl]

What will that do?

How does that improve my self esteem?

I look in the mirror and do not see what others see. Plus, I have tried picking up girls only to be rejected constantly by the same reason over and over.

Right on as always Erika. I will say this about my own experience: being without a partner was the best thing I could have done for myself. I learned what made ME happy. If you're not happy with yourself forget it - nobody else can make you happy.

 

[ksmybuttons]

Right on as always Erika. I will say this about my own experience: being without a partner was the best thing I could have done for myself. I learned what made ME happy. If you're not happy with yourself forget it - nobody else can make you happy.

I've always found the time spent on personal work worth every minute.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

I've always found the time spent on personal work worth every minute.

Now if I could just channel that towards personal work OUTS - I'd be better off!

 

[south_florida_bicur]

It depends on the relationship, but if it's one where your SO doesn't treat you well, getting away from it could improve your self esteem. I think the fact that you're taking control of the situation and your life and doing something that's good for YOU is a confidence builder, and an indication that you're ready to be on your own and make some changes. It signals that you're not being controlled by fear (even of being alone) anymore, and that's great.

When you don't put time and energy into feeling bad and you take ownership of your feelings and life, you're able to focus on who you are, growing, and changing. You may be more able to put effort into self esteem exercises, or just break out of the negative patterns you've fallen into. You don't have to be alone to do that, but you can't be with someone who's not completely supportive and willing to help and love you through the hard work and growth.

Why do you think you're being rejected over and over? Is it really something physical? What can you do to feel better about it? Think about these wise words from Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Is is possible the rejections are a reaction to how you truly feel about yourself?

Yes, my SO did not treat me well. I will not go into details but basically it was her way or the highway. If I would ask for something (ex. help) she would only help if she wanted to help. She would not help because I was asking / needing her help. Does that make any sense?

I knew the best thing for me to do was to break away many months ago but she knows how to get into my head and make me do whatever she wants. After the smoke clears and I realize how I am treated, a nasty fight breaks out.

What kind of self esteem exercises?

Some of the physical things I can change but most of them I cannot. I know my positive traits that any women would be lucky to have me in their life but instead of focusing on those great traits, I focus on the negative. Isnt that the definition of low self esteem?

Those wise words from Eleanor Roosevelt "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." is so true. Instead of feeling positive I allowed my SO getting into my head and making me feel inferior.

I constantly told my friends all the great things that make me who I am, she changed me into becoming someone that she wanted me to be.

 

[SweetErika]

Yes, my SO did not treat me well. I will not go into details but basically it was her way or the highway. If I would ask for something (ex. help) she would only help if she wanted to help. She would not help because I was asking / needing her help. Does that make any sense?

I knew the best thing for me to do was to break away many months ago but she knows how to get into my head and make me do whatever she wants. After the smoke clears and I realize how I am treated, a nasty fight breaks out.

What kind of self esteem exercises?

Some of the physical things I can change but most of them I cannot. I know my positive traits that any women would be lucky to have me in their life but instead of focusing on those great traits, I focus on the negative. Isnt that the definition of low self esteem?

Those wise words from Eleanor Roosevelt "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." is so true. Instead of feeling positive I allowed my SO getting into my head and making me feel inferior.

I constantly told my friends all the great things that make me who I am, she changed me into becoming someone that she wanted me to be.

She sounds like a horrible, abusive, person who knew exactly how to break you down so she could control everything. However, you learned a lot from that relationship and probably won't put up with that kind of behavior from anyone in the future, right?

Below are some links on low self esteem and improving it, and you can find a ton of info from a google search on 'self esteem' and related terms. Apart from seeing a therapist, you should not pay for any information or exercises. There are some great books out there, but you'll likely be able to check them out at the library. The main point of improving your self esteem is to challenge/break down your negative thoughts and replace them with healthier, positive thoughts. I write the positive thoughts down and post them where I see them frequently as a reminder. Self-esteem is cyclical, so if you can get into the positive cycle, it's relatively easy to maintain.

http://www.more-selfesteem.com/
http://www.self-esteem-nase.org/jssurvey.shtml
http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets/selfesteem/selfest.html
http://www.leadersdirect.com/selfesteem.html

 

[south_florida_bicur]

Erika

thanks for the links.

I was looking for some self help links / books.

I guess everything takes time and comes in Steps.

1 step is being open and talking about whatever is on your mind.

I hope I am borinig or bringing the thread down. I am expressing myself to help me and others that are feeling what I am feeling.

 

[SweetErika]

Re: Erika

thanks for the links.

I was looking for some self help links / books.

I guess everything takes time and comes in Steps.

1 step is being open and talking about whatever is on your mind.

I hope I am borinig or bringing the thread down. I am expressing myself to help me and others that are feeling what I am feeling.

You're welcome, and you're right about it being a process full of steps. I started this thread with the hope that the members of this wonderful community could share and help eachother. I hope everyone feels free to express themselves, learn, and grow.

 

[south_florida_bicur]

learning and growing

as for me seeing this thread has been a tremendous help. Reading the comments has made me feel better. Even though it is sometimes only temporary, it is still a helpful step.


Thanks for creating this thread.

 

[SweetErika]

Some of these books look great, especially the workbook: Amazon Self Esteem Books

 

[south_florida_bicur]

Some of these books look great, especially the workbook: Amazon Self Esteem Books

Browser Bug?

 

[Eritz]

What impact has self esteem had on your sex life and relationships?

What are some general and specific things the people in your life have done or do that help you feel better about yourself?

I have almost no self esteem which means to start with I just don't meet women ro end up in bed with them. Further compounded by the fact my ex couldn't orgasm which really does't help your feelings of self worth.

Friends and stuff have tried to lift me up a bit but the truth is most of the time when people say good things about me I think they are just saying it to make me feel better rather than being true, my self esteem is really that low.

 

[south_florida_bicur]

Re: Re: Self Esteem

I have almost no self esteem which means to start with I just don't meet women ro end up in bed with them. Further compounded by the fact my ex couldn't orgasm which really does't help your feelings of self worth.

Friends and stuff have tried to lift me up a bit but the truth is most of the time when people say good things about me I think they are just saying it to make me feel better rather than being true, my self esteem is really that low.

I agree with what you said "Friends and stuff have tried to lift me up a bit but the truth is most of the time when people say good things about me I think they are just saying it to make me feel better rather than being true" but of ALL that you have heard about yourself, what has sunk in that you believe in?

 

[Eritz]

Nothing which has been said to me to try and lift me up has stuck with me. Actually the only thing I can think of that has sort of stuck with me has been people saying that I really know my stuff when it comes to music, which is true. I do know an awful lot about bits here and there even if I'm rubbish at Djing and producing anyway.

 

[south_florida_bicur]

Nothing which has been said to me to try and lift me up has stuck with me. Actually the only thing I can think of that has sort of stuck with me has been people saying that I really know my stuff when it comes to music, which is true. I do know an awful lot about bits here and there even if I'm rubbish at Djing and producing anyway.

My problem is I focus on the bad instead of the good. You too need to focus on the good. What you believe are you best qualities. As much as I try focusing on the good I throw some bad in the mix.

I am trying to focus more on the good and less on the bad.

 

[Eritz]

I don't have any good qualities to focus on though.

 

[SweetErika]

Browser Bug?

Sorry, apparently I can't link to search results. Do a search for 'self esteem' on Amazon...there are a couple of great looking books at the top of the results list.

 

[SweetErika]

I don't have any good qualities to focus on though.

So you're a terrible person? You lie, enjoy hurting others, unreliable, stupid, a bad friend, resentful, have no talents, arrogant, ignorant, etc.?

Start with the music, and list all of the good things about you, even if they're tiny (like you leave big tips at restaurants or have nice elbows). Stick it up somewhere you'll see it frequently so you can remind yourself of the good stuff everyday.

 

[south_florida_bicur]

So you're a terrible person? You lie, enjoy hurting others, unreliable, stupid, a bad friend, resentful, have no talents, arrogant, ignorant, etc.?

Start with the music, and list all of the good things about you, even if they're tiny (like you leave big tips at restaurants or have nice elbows). Stick it up somewhere you'll see it frequently so you can remind yourself of the good stuff everyday.

Sorry I could not get online earlier but I totally agree. Start with the good and go from there. When you start seeing the good you will notice other good traits.

I heard that sticking positive reinforcements up somewhere to remind yourself is a great tool. You are now the 3rd person I heard that from. I have been thinking of positive things and will write them down tomorrow.

Thanks,

 

[akazie]

I suffer from a lack of confidence and self esteem, i guess it all started when i was 6 years old. I was placed in a children's home, It is really a dramatic experience when you are being held back by a total stranger from getting into a car that your mother is in and she is crying. There was also other troubled children there that use to always put me down and just thought it was there job to cause me pain, After a whole you start to believe what they are saying to you.I had to put up with this for 9 years.Finally i was placed back with my mother when i was 15 years old, But my mother isn't the best mother in the world and she only cares about herself,,so she kicked me out after about 4 months of being with her (i don't have any contact with my mother now, i got sick of all her lies)I meet my now husband just before she kicked me out, thankfully i had him to support me and also his family..who mind you show me more love then my mother ever did. I went through depression which i am still trying to cope with at 18...which really puts your confidence down (no matter what anyone says you just hate yourself and you don't want anything to do with anyone).Now at the age of 25 i decided to do something about my lack of confidence and self esteem, so i looked online and come across a web site called BBC learning and to my delight they have a online course called "Get Confident"
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/confidence/learn/
I am only about half way through this course but already I'm starting to like myself and every day my confidence is growing. After i finish this course i am also going to do the "Self Esteem" course they have.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditions/mental_health/emotion_esteem.shtml

Anyway that is some of my story and i hope that people that suffer from lack of confidence or self esteem have a look at the links in my post. They have really changed my life and there are also tools in the course that really work.

 

[SweetErika]

I suffer from a lack of confidence and self esteem, i guess it all started when i was 6 years old. I was placed in a children's home, It is really a dramatic experience when you are being held back by a total stranger from getting into a car that your mother is in and she is crying. There was also other troubled children there that use to always put me down and just thought it was there job to cause me pain, After a whole you start to believe what they are saying to you.I had to put up with this for 9 years.Finally i was placed back with my mother when i was 15 years old, But my mother isn't the best mother in the world and she only cares about herself,,so she kicked me out after about 4 months of being with her (i don't have any contact with my mother now, i got sick of all her lies)I meet my now husband just before she kicked me out, thankfully i had him to support me and also his family..who mind you show me more love then my mother ever did. I went through depression which i am still trying to cope with at 18...which really puts your confidence down (no matter what anyone says you just hate yourself and you don't want anything to do with anyone).Now at the age of 25 i decided to do something about my lack of confidence and self esteem, so i looked online and come across a web site called BBC learning and to my delight they have a online course called "Get Confident"
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/confidence/learn/
I am only about half way through this course but already I'm starting to like myself and every day my confidence is growing. After i finish this course i am also going to do the "Self Esteem" course they have.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditions/mental_health/emotion_esteem.shtml

Anyway that is some of my story and i hope that people that suffer from lack of confidence or self esteem have a look at the links in my post. They have really changed my life and there are also tools in the course that really work.

Thanks for sharing your story, akazie! I'm definitely going to check those links out.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Ya know - you think YOU had a tough go of things until you read something like what Akazie went thru. Damn girl. Good for you for going out and finding help. I think gaining self esteem takes practice. It doesn't happen overnite. Hang in there everyone!

 

[Bandit58]

I'm going to share something that a friend told me after I left my husband almost 3 years ago. She told me to walk tall, with my shoulders back and head up, because I'd done a very brave thing in getting out of an emotionally abusive marriage.

It did work - though there were times I felt like utter crap, I'd turn it around and tell myself that my life was mine again and I now had the chance to be happy and look after me for a change. Then I'd go out and do a bit of retail therapy (mainly looking) and come home in a much better frame of mind.

Regarding the body image thing....I'm 46 years old and I used to hide my body under baggy clothes and think I was ugly with knobby knees and a belly and small boobs.....lol now I have pics up on Lit (see AV ) it's taken a while but now I see in the mirror what others see, a slim attractive woman with a lot more self confidence. Being in a loving relationship has helped so much with that!

 

[Eilan]

Bump

I'm bumping this thread because I've been reading through it (any self-esteem issues I have are NOT sexual ) and I thought that some of the ideas in this thread might be useful to some of the newbies. Or not.

It's interesting, and I'm pretty sure it's been mentioned already in this thread, how so much of our self-esteem is tied into our physical appearance. I don't see that many people feeling inferior because of their intelligence/lack thereof.

Just an observation.

 

[LadyFunkenstein]

I used to have terrible self esteem issues, 20 years ago. I was just a teen, and it was terrible - I couldn't hold my head high when I entered a room. I was too ugly, too stupid, too slutty, etc etc.

When I was 16, during summer vacation I decided I would pretend to be confident; from that day forward I always acted like I had the healthy self esteem I always wanted. I faked it, that I thought I was beautiful, I was smart, I was clever, I was fun. I never stopped pretending.

About 10 years later, I realized I wasn't pretending anymore, I really felt good about myself.

Maybe there is a therapeutic shortcut, I don't know, but this worked for me. And 20 years after the initial fraud, I feel pretty damn good.