Self Esteem

[LadyJeanne]

This is very interesting. How would you suggest helping someone with admitted low self esteem, without feeding their ego?

When I'm feeling low it always makes me feel better to spend time with my close friends. I know they love me for the person I am and for what I bring to their lives, so I end up feeling great.

I don't know how much that would help someone with chronic low self-esteem, but it can't hurt to try.

 

[pleasteasme]

I've noticed most of the people who appear to have high self-esteem actually feel the worst about themselves...they're simply good actors.

OMG....that is so very true SweetErika!!! Those that are the loudest and most boisterous of themselves are in reality the ones with the least self esteem.

People that don't "toot their own horn" don't need to tell everyone how wonderful they are......actions speak louder than words!

And I think there is some happy balance between the supportive vs. abusive family situation....by no means is abuse right...at all! What I mean is that it isn't healthy to be overly supportive or coddle your children just as it isn't healthy to abuse your children. However, coming from a family that was far from being supportive, I have a VERY difficult time with my own self esteem. I just keep on trudging but, I always doubt myself and many times my own self doubt gets the best of me

I am a work in progress...

 

[LadyJeanne]

I am so with ya o this one.

Ok, so what are excercises to improve self esteem. What if you know you are a good person, do good things, help others out, love who you are on the inside, but the outside weighs at you so heavily that it diminishes the importance of the inside? Nothing anyone does or says can help. One has to overcome this on their own, but how? When you've tried everything you can to fix the problem and nothing works?

I have seen several discussions on this, and so many come forth that have good self esteem and noone can offer any advice on how to help the not so good self esteemers get on the right track.

It requires a paradigm shift in your head. If you're a good person and know it, the only thing you need to change is your perspective to truly believe it, but that's the hardest thing of all.

You start slowly. Become conscious of all the negative things you say to yourself throughout the day and start shutting off those thoughts when they happen. Consciously remember to tell yourself nice things, even if it's something silly...hey, that was the best fucking parallel parking on a hill ever! I'm gooood!

Spend less time with people who make you feel bad about yourself or who feel bad about themselves and dwell on their failings and bad luck and dramas and whatnot all the time. Spend more time with people who care about you and make you laugh.

Take time to celebrate a little when you've accomplished a small goal. Pamper yourself regularly with a bubble bath or a walk in your favorite park or a new book - give yourself the things you enjoy. Treat yourself well and remember that everone is a work in progress.

 

[bad kitty]

It requires a paradigm shift in your head. If you're a good person and know it, the only thing you need to change is your perspective to truly believe it, but that's the hardest thing of all.

You start slowly. Become conscious of all the negative things you say to yourself throughout the day and start shutting off those thoughts when they happen. Consciously remember to tell yourself nice things, even if it's something silly...hey, that was the best fucking parallel parking on a hill ever! I'm gooood!

Spend less time with people who make you feel bad about yourself or who feel bad about themselves and dwell on their failings and bad luck and dramas and whatnot all the time. Spend more time with people who care about you and make you laugh.

Take time to celebrate a little when you've accomplished a small goal. Pamper yourself regularly with a bubble bath or a walk in your favorite park or a new book - give yourself the things you enjoy. Treat yourself well and remember that everone is a work in progress.

But what if it isn't others making you feel bad about yourself. Say, you honestly take no account of what anyone else tells you, be it good or bad. What if your outward appearance upset you so bad that you hide from mirrors? What if it you lvoe absolutely everything about yourself, except your body, and as I said before, you had done everything you could to improve it, all with little to no results? How do you become happy with something you find so ugly? you know you have to convince yourself that it is at least acceptable, but you can't?

 

[LadyJeanne]

But what if it isn't others making you feel bad about yourself. Say, you honestly take no account of what anyone else tells you, be it good or bad. What if your outward appearance upset you so bad that you hide from mirrors? What if it you lvoe absolutely everything about yourself, except your body, and as I said before, you had done everything you could to improve it, all with little to no results? How do you become happy with something you find so ugly? you know you have to convince yourself that it is at least acceptable, but you can't?

My heart goes out to you. I don't know what that's like, so I can't begin to guess how to help.

If you don't like how your body looks, perhaps you can like how your body feels and the wonderful things it can do?

 

[Bobmi357]

Ok, this is probably going to end up being a vain attempt to bring this thread back on topic, but I don't think its possible to have self esteem without having confidence in who you are and what you're capable of doing.

Back in the days when people used dinosaurs to get back and forth from school I was your classic nerd. Socially inept and to be quite honest, snobbish to the beautiful people who got, in my own not so humble opinion, looks and not enough brains to find their butt in the dark with both hands and a friend holding a flashlight.

While I was socially inept, terrified of girls, barely able to hold a conversation with one, I also knew that if it was programmable, I could program it. I was one of those lucky people to get in on the birth of a revolution, computers. Even to this day I can be up to speed in a week or less with a new computer language. Its going to sound corny, but I actually drew confidence from what I knew I could do and applied it to other parts of my life where I wasn't all that confident.

Self Esteem isn't about making other people like you, its about finding ways for you to like yourself. And it seems to me that the only thing you can do is draw on what you're good at as a foundation for dealing with those issues you're not good at.

People need to look at themselves and their lives and figure out where their own strengths and weaknesses lie. Then use their strengths to deal with their weaknesses.

 

[Debbie]

quote:
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Originally posted by LovingTongue
The GB is a bunch of sick fucks.
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Thanks Lt. All of the GBers are mean, sick fucks.

IMO, self esteem is something you have to either find within yourself or try and work on improving the way you think and feel about yourself.

After a violent relationship I had very little self esteem and saw myself as worthless, stupid, indecisive and ugly.

It didn't matter what anyone said to me. I would make self deprecating remarks about myself after their praise or shrug off
what they were saying.

Even when I found a fantastic guy that thought I was the bee knees I still didn't like who I was.

I had to change my thought patterns and not put myself down.
Making lists of what I did like about myself or standing in front of a mirror and telling myself what I did like about myself were just a few of the things I did to improve my self esteem.

Self hypnosis helped me as well and positive affirmations.
I have always had a problem being assertive as well and was constantly saying yes to any cause or taking on way more than my share of work load if my boss was in a pinch.

There is nothing wrong with being helpful and empathic. It is who I am. But I have also learnt it is ok for me to say no too.

Over time it worked and I came out of my shell (sexually) because I felt better about myself and have a loving, understanding lover who is my friend as well.

 

[Byron In Exile]

Great question. I've noticed people with a lot of empathy often have low self esteem too. In my case, I can easily look at the strengths, weaknesses, and actions of others, and assess them accurately. But when it comes to looking at my own actions, I tend to automatically judge them as "wrong" or "not good enough." I hold myself to a higher standard, and judge myself harshly, yet am very sensitive, openminded, and empathetic with others. Perhaps it's because I know how horrible it feels and don't want to inflict that kind of pain on others.

One problem with people who are very empathic is that they can tend to put more value on other people's judgements and impressions of them than on their own, forgetting that the other person's viewpoint is always more fragmentary and subjective, that it's colored by that person's own experiences, and that person's own motivations, possibly including boosting their own self-esteem. Highly empathic people can put themselves in another person's shoes to the extent they forget that's where they are, and the other person's point of view becomes their own.

 

[Byron In Exile]

I grew up in a chaotic home, full of abuses, I had very low self-esteem for years. I was and am empathic to others, I am not sure empathy has much to do with self-esteem. I found the source of my empathy came from doing serious inventory of my actions in life. The abuses I came from didn't give me a 'pass' on being human, it was searching my actions that gave me the gift of empathy and humility.

Empathy isn't dependent on self-esteem, but I think it can have an effect on it, as I mentioned. I hadn't thought about the source of empathy in people, beyond the fact that it's generally more lacking in children and increases with age, although there are obviously wide variations with some people having a lot and others little or none. I suppose it just comes from observation, and that there are some people who simply aren't very observant.

I learned self-esteem, and still work on it, by really listening and believing people I trust as they made comments about me. I also learned by my gut, I know when I'm doing something wrong, I can't fool myself any longer and I choose to listen to that instinct, I don't want to feel poorly about myself - not anymore.

It's very important to have people around you that you can trust. Ego games are so very fashionable, especially in a materialistic, status-obsessed culture like today's. Unfortunately, I think we usually identify "friends" who are more concerned with appearances than honesty long before we actually confront them with it or wisely demote them to "acquaintance."

There is an honesty included with self-esteem that will make it genuine. Egos can get in the way and fog the way but I still rely on people I trust and my instinct.

This is what I was getting at in my last post — that our own view of ourselves, if we can learn to look honestly without attempting to rationalize, has the potential to be much more accurate than anyone else's can be. Other people can help confirm what we know, or point out where we might be mistaken, but if the latter is the case, and we're accustomed to being honest with ourselves, we can find out.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Ok, couldn't they give them better, more positive names? Saying, "hey, I'm a "loser"" doesn't put you on the path to higher self-esteem!

hehehe - that was kinda self defeating wasn't it?

 

[crazybbwgirl]

....snip....I like the info Crazybbwgirl posted (really need to come up with a nickname for you! lol)......

Call me Crazy - everyone else does!

 

[Cathleen]

Call me Crazy - everyone else does!

OK, done!

 

[Cathleen]

But what if it isn't others making you feel bad about yourself. Say, you honestly take no account of what anyone else tells you, be it good or bad. What if your outward appearance upset you so bad that you hide from mirrors? What if it you lvoe absolutely everything about yourself, except your body, and as I said before, you had done everything you could to improve it, all with little to no results? How do you become happy with something you find so ugly? you know you have to convince yourself that it is at least acceptable, but you can't?

BK, I am so hesitant to even think about this issue - it is a core issue for me and has been for most of my life. I have had some success and perhaps what I share might give a small starting place.

I hated my body for years, in fact I don't remember when I didn't hate my body, I didn't know as a kid that was what I felt - I didn't have those words but I had the feelings. I was abused in my home, physically, emotionally and sexually. Emotions weren't really acceptable in our house unless it was that 'I'm ok' kind of feeling. I learned to take the unexpressed feelings out on my body. I don't remember when the abuse started, it was before my memory began, but already I had behaviors that were harmful to my body.

As a little girl I began to eat, as I grew up I got into alcohol and drugs (got clean) then back to eating. I finally got help, started making some really good progress and could find some goodness about my body - the good things it can do. I became aware of what mine can do and that is was an instrument to live not something that contributed to my worth. I was no longer in a war with my body, it wasn't the enemy.

Unfortunately, my body crapped out on me a few years back...... ah the irony of life. I got sick - really sick, lucky to be alive kind of sick. What I have been learning in these last four years is that the body is an amazing machine yes, but that I was still detached from my body - it was again an 'us and them' kind of situation. The war was back on.

It was critical that I 'make friends' with my body if I was to live. It was a slow process and it was difficult to even like this thing that was called a body - 'what had you done for me lately' kept running through my mind - the answer was ugly to be honest. But I had to fight on, I learned to become aware of my body, that it can talk to us, when we've had too much food it will let us know by a stomach ache, maybe heart burn, etc.

I have to listen, I have no choice so I work on making a better connection. While I do not always like what I see in the mirror and I can get pretty damn critical of that reflection, I listen to what I just said. If I talked to others the way I talk to my body I would be ripping mad.

I believe there is a connection between mind and body (and spirit too). The body 'hears' us and it will talk back - I keep working on making the communicaton civil and there are days now that I am thrilled with my body - those days I can let the bitterness go and rejoice in taking a walk, doing some yoga or other activities.

I have to at least get along with my body because it is mine for the duration.

 

[SweetErika]

One problem with people who are very empathic is that they can tend to put more value on other people's judgements and impressions of them than on their own, forgetting that the other person's viewpoint is always more fragmentary and subjective, that it's colored by that person's own experiences, and that person's own motivations, possibly including boosting their own self-esteem. Highly empathic people can put themselves in another person's shoes to the extent they forget that's where they are, and the other person's point of view becomes their own.

Agreed, and thanks for bringing this point up! I've had the tendency to see others' viewpoints as more valuable or objective than my own on certain issues in the past. Changing that habit all comes down to trusting yourself.

 

[SweetErika]

I had to change my thought patterns and not put myself down.
Making lists of what I did like about myself or standing in front of a mirror and telling myself what I did like about myself were just a few of the things I did to improve my self esteem.

Self hypnosis helped me as well and positive affirmations.
I have always had a problem being assertive as well and was constantly saying yes to any cause or taking on way more than my share of work load if my boss was in a pinch.

There is nothing wrong with being helpful and empathic. It is who I am. But I have also learnt it is ok for me to say no too.

Over time it worked and I came out of my shell (sexually) because I felt better about myself and have a loving, understanding lover who is my friend as well.

I've taken an approach close to this. First, I started listening for the negative thoughts, and wrote the prevalent ones down. Then, I took time to pick apart and counter each one logically, asking if it was reasonable, an overgeneralization, emotional reasoning, mindreading, and if there was evidence for or against it. At the end of that process, I didn't believe the negative thought so much, and I wrote a counter-statement in "I am...." form.

I had a long list of positive thoughts at that point, and I wrote them all down and put them in places I'd see and read them frequently. It worked like an affirmation, but it also made it easier to come up with something to counter the negative thoughts. That's the key...replacing the negative ones with positive ones in daily life.

I think it's especially important to focus on things you like about yourself. It's easy to look at perceived flaws and overgeneralize, but you have to find things you like or turn those flaws into assets.

 

[SweetErika]

BK, I am so hesitant to even think about this issue - it is a core issue for me and has been for most of my life. I have had some success and perhaps what I share might give a small starting place.

I have to listen, I have no choice so I work on making a better connection. While I do not always like what I see in the mirror and I can get pretty damn critical of that reflection, I listen to what I just said. If I talked to others the way I talk to my body I would be ripping mad.

Cate, your entire post was helpful, so thank you for taking the time and energy to share! What really got me was the last sentence and the idea, "I would never talk to anyone else like that...I'd never call anyone ugly, fat, repulsive, flawed, stupid, incompetent, guilty, etc., because it would hurt them deeply. So why am I talking to and hurting myself this way?" HUGE ephiphany!

 

[bad kitty]

Hey zhukov. Let's dance.

Cate, that is a wonderful post, and hopefully that works for most, unfortunately, I just can't seem to convince myself. I can't get past what I see and know in my mind, even if it is self dillusional. Ok, not self dillusional, but a negative way of how I see me. Some people look wonderful with extra weight, but I don't think I am one of them. I have so many scars which add to the ugliness for me. The worst thing is, most of what I deem as bad, are things I can't help, and it's been a life long struggle to get past it. I was able to do it once for a year or so, but lost it and haven't been able to regain it.

 

[SweetErika]

Hey zhukov. Let's dance.

Cate, that is a wonderful post, and hopefully that works for most, unfortunately, I just can't seem to convince myself. I can't get past what I see and know in my mind, even if it is self dillusional. Ok, not self dillusional, but a negative way of how I see me. Some people look wonderful with extra weight, but I don't think I am one of them. I have so many scars which add to the ugliness for me. The worst thing is, most of what I deem as bad, are things I can't help, and it's been a life long struggle to get past it. I was able to do it once for a year or so, but lost it and haven't been able to regain it.

I don't know if it will help you, but I try to find one thing I like in the mirror and focus on that. Hair, eyes, lips, smile, facial structure, neck, hands, ankles, feet, whatever...what do you like, even if it's the tiniest piece? If nothing else, it helps me to ignore the negative and moderate the negative talk a little.

Scars, stretch marks, and the other things we tend to view as imperfections are meaningful if you look at them in the right light. I try to see mine as a reminder of how I've survived, lived, grown, and been resilient through it all.

Is that you in the AV?

 

[bad kitty]

I don't know if it will help you, but I try to find one thing I like in the mirror and focus on that. Hair, eyes, lips, smile, facial structure, neck, hands, ankles, feet, whatever...what do you like, even if it's the tiniest piece? If nothing else, it helps me to ignore the negative and moderate the negative talk a little.

Scars, stretch marks, and the other things we tend to view as imperfections are meaningful if you look at them in the right light. I try to see mine as a reminder of how I've survived, lived, grown, and been resilient through it all.

Is that you in the AV?

yep. It's me. I like me from the neck up.

See, one of the biggest things of hating your body is that it can hurt the people who love you as well. When you truely truely hate something, you cover it at all costs.

 

[SweetErika]

yep. It's me. I like me from the neck up.

See, one of the biggest things of hating your body is that it can hurt the people who love you as well. When you truely truely hate something, you cover it at all costs.

I'm positive you're just as gorgeous from the neck down, whether you believe it or not. I would have chosen a face AV too, but I went with the breasts as a reminder there's at least one thing I like about my body, and that's worked pretty well.

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[bad kitty]

I'm positive you're just as gorgeous from the neck down, whether you believe it or not. I would have chosen a face AV too, but I went with the breasts as a reminder there's at least one thing I like about my body, and that's worked pretty well.

Which is the same reason I chose my face, lol.

PO, I think you're right. I did want to highlight that part as the beginning of the thread seemed to be more geared towards internal and personality. Not many of us want to speak out about how we hate our bodies cause then the usual schpeal is how physical attributes don't matter, how media and hollywood has poisoned us, how it's what's on the inside that counts. We realize that, but no matter how much rationalizing and rational thinking one does, we still fight with our inner demons which keep fueling the hate for our flesh. It's truely sad, and I am determined to find a way to reverse the damage and treat it not only for myself but for others as well.

Truely hating any part of oneself is gutwrenching and it never quietens down, nor goes away until we learn how to nuke it.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

It seems like most of the self esteem issues being brought up here are about physical attributes.

Because humans are very visual creatures? Or maybe because of the total overload of media pertaining to looks? I mean - if you are even a little self conscious (sp?) of being a little overweight or a little too scrawny or a little too pale or too dark or whatever - then you sit down and watch a day of tv while reading Glamour - you could end up feeling even worse about yourself. Unless you have good self esteem.

 

[Debbie]

<snip>
Truely hating any part of oneself is gutwrenching and it never quietens down, nor goes away until we learn how to nuke it.

Only you can change the way you see yourself in the mirror.

Just like someone who is anorexic and looks into the mirror.
And the reflection they truly think they see is an overweight, unattractive person.

It is so sad.

You have to like yourself to see how beautiful you truly are. Inside and out.

Some people change their self image with plastic surgery. And quite often you hear them say, "It makes me feel younger." "I feel so much better about myself." "I don't feel like people are staring at me anymore because they think I am ugly."



Interesting comments. Mainly about feelings.
If you look good it makes you feel better about yourself.
It's mainly about internal feelings.

Self esteem and self image seem to be linked big time.

http://mtstcil.org/skills/image-3.html

After my violent relationship ended. I would not look in a mirror.
Not only because I believed the things he had said to me but I couldn't face myself. I knew my eyes would look sad and dull.

I brushed my hair without looking in the mirror. I would the cover mirror when showering. I didn't use make up unless it was lipgloss.

I couldn't face myself because of the way I felt inside.

Till I felt better about myself I would even undress in the dark.

I could hear my ex's voice in my head constantly. Putting me down, hurting me - till I dealt with that and could change my way of thinking and think more positively?

My self esteem was zilch.

I like me today.

 

[PinkOrchid]