Respecting All Subbies

[Homburg]

The people I've met who tried to enforce hierarchy have been newbie subs or else male DOMINANT DOMS in the het scene-- The kind who introduce themselves in public as "The Trapper" and "Count De Sade". And they do get shot down pretty quickly by other doms with less to hide and more to enjoy.

There was that one very old-timer out of the leather scene-- and that was only while he was drunk and maudlin.

Very much so. When I do public stuff, I don't use silly titles. While some people know me by Homburg, many just know me by my first name. I just don't care whether or not anyone respects, or evens knows, my orientation. It just doesn't fucking matter outside of my own relationship.

It's becoming a pet peeve of mine, and a reason that I'm tepid on public events. I did not agree to be part of your little fantasy world, so don't expect me to call you by some name or abide by your rules. But, by the same token, you did not agree to be part of my fantasy world either, so I don't expect you to comply to my wishes whether it is in how you address me, or, more on topic, how I address you.

I've said it before, some people just see "dominant" as license for bad behaviour, and those people exist on both top and bottom. The top half commits the bad behaviour, and the bottom half that agrees with it enables said behaviour. It drives me crazy.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I did not agree to be part of your little fantasy world, so don't expect me to call you by some name or abide by your rulese bottom half that agrees with it enables said behaviour. It drives me crazy.

People actually do this?

I need to get out more.

 

[Homburg]

People actually do this?

I need to get out more.

Yup. Lord So-and-so is common. So is Sir What's-his-name, and Gentleman So-and-so. And much of the time the secondary part is just as goofy and made up as the initial title.

My personal favourite is one Lord Umptyfratz type that uses his lordly eponym in purely vanilla situations as well. There are bars, clubs, and kink-free social gatherings that only know him as Lord Whatever-it-is. The arrogance is insufferable, but as he is as out as out can be, he is the public face to kink to many people in this area. Makes me want to retch.

ETA: Massive props for your new av. It rocks.

 

[BunnyHopper]

Carrots first. Sticks come later.

I'm all out of carrots

I felt compelled to reply to this thread as I got a message in another forum all together from one person and I still haven't been able to shrug it off. He was a polite man who was able to hold a rather decent "getting to know you" conversation for around three messages, after which he said that "if you want our conversation to continue, I'll expect you to address me as Master or Sir so-and-so". I honestly didn't know what else to say other than "I'm sorry, but I think I'm not the right person for you". OK, a lot of things crossed my mind what I could've said, but in the end just thought "isn't worth it" and just ended it neatly.

I'm just wondering if it's a sort of cargo cult behaviour, where a person is doing things without even understanding why they are doing those things.

 

[Homburg]

I'm just wondering if it's a sort of cargo cult behaviour, where a person is doing things without even understanding why they are doing those things.

More often than not, I want to believe this. But frankly, it is probably a mix of some very few who simply are this clueless, but are otherwise the real thing, a greater amount that do this on purpose in hopes of somehow catching the easily manipulated, and a third, even greater, amount that are too stupid to know better, or to make the effort to do better if they do know.

 

[unowned_subby]

I've noticed people on here can be very rude. I am very much a control freak in my normal life. What I do, when I do, where I do, how I do.. everything in my life I control. The one place that I like to give up control is in sex.. if I'm not in the mood I want him to force the initiation and physically with his body restrain me. That's how *I* like being submissive, it's a big turn on and I get very hot and passionate and loving that way. I do NOT like the whole humiliation, degrading etc type of dom/sub relationship. I posted things today about that even specifying that but still had people PMing me and in the FIRST message calling me a slut. I'm sorry... but I like my dom/sub type relationship to be a loving cuddling when we're done fucking type of relationship, not one where I'm called a bitch or slut etc. Why are there so many Dom's on here that assume that everyone likes that? I like flirting a lot on here and would MUCH rather someone say "what kind of submissive are you? What do YOU like?" I cannot and will not be forced to be the kind of sub they want, but they just assume right off the bat that that is ok. I'm glad they're doing it online at least where I can just delete... in person I would deck someone who said that to me that didn't know me! LOL! A Dom must remember that in order for them to be a Dom to a Sub that the Sub must give permission for that kind of relationship to exist in the first place. That is a respect that must be earn and not abused otherwise it just cannot last since both parties will never really be happy. (of course except those who like verbal abuse right off the bat ;-)

See, you articulate well what I'm trying to get across!

 

[Stella_Omega]

More often than not, I want to believe this. But frankly, it is probably a mix of some very few who simply are this clueless, but are otherwise the real thing, a greater amount that do this on purpose in hopes of somehow catching the easily manipulated, and a third, even greater, amount that are too stupid to know better, or to make the effort to do better if they do know.

I ascribe some of it to "Miniver Cheevy-ism."

Life is not worth living in these humdrum modern days, sayeth Lord Domly Dom.

 

[midwestyankee]

I ascribe some of it to "Miniver Cheevy-ism."

Life is not worth living in these humdrum modern days, sayeth Lord Domly Dom.

This made me smile. Not so much for the sentiment, which I figure is pretty darned accurate, but because I hadn't seen a reference to EAR in a very long time. Always liked his work and we come from the same soil.

 

[curvybritlady]

Rambling two cents

My impression of a submissive/dominant dynamic (or at least how I'd want my ideal one to work) is that the submissive partner actually exercises a lot of control in that they set boundaries and say "I like X, but not to the point where Y happens," for example.

I was in a relationship with a very submissive woman, and so I took the dominant role really for her enjoyment and pleasure, rather than any innate desire to exercise control over her, which for me felt like a very submissive act. Perhaps I'm just odd that way

(I understand that other people take the dominant/submissive into several or all aspects of their live. Here I'm just talking about it in the context of the bedroom, since that's where my experience is.)

What I'm boiling down to, I guess, is that I cannot imagine a dominant/submissive relationship where the submissive is not respected. They are, after all, trusting you in an immensely intimate way.

 

[erotic_bubbles]

My impression of a submissive/dominant dynamic (or at least how I'd want my ideal one to work) is that the submissive partner actually exercises a lot of control in that they set boundaries and say "I like X, but not to the point where Y happens," for example.

I was in a relationship with a very submissive woman, and so I took the dominant role really for her enjoyment and pleasure, rather than any innate desire to exercise control over her, which for me felt like a very submissive act. Perhaps I'm just odd that way

(I understand that other people take the dominant/submissive into several or all aspects of their live. Here I'm just talking about it in the context of the bedroom, since that's where my experience is.)

What I'm boiling down to, I guess, is that I cannot imagine a dominant/submissive relationship where the submissive is not respected. They are, after all, trusting you in an immensely intimate way.

You 'rambling two cents' make a lot of sense to me!! I have recently stumbled into a dominant/ submissive dynamic... and find myself in the dominant role in a similar way to what you describe. I completely understand where you are coming from.

Currently our relationship consists of the distance/ online variety, but we have discussed meeting up in real life. I would never have imagined myself taking on the dominant role. I have always been a more passive, meek person, but I am surprised by how much I am loving being dominant over him. But, back to the point (now I'm the one rambling): I think that I too, felt it to be an indirect submission to allow him to assume his preferred role of submissive. Respect and honesty about what both of you are comfortable with is definitely key.