Question about Surrogate Motherhood...(long one)

[Mae13]

OK, I have a bit of an odd question for ya'll...was just wondering if anyone had ever encountered this, from any angle...
Would really appreciate honest comments and opinions on this one, especially from those who may have experienced this?

One of my best friends is having a bit of a rough spot right now. She and I have been the best of friends from the moment we met eachother~one of those people you *know* you were destined to be connected to in this life. We are so alike in so many ways, yet so different in others. When we're separated (which is far too often for far too long ) for any amount of time, when we get
back together it's like it was just overnight we were apart. She is one of the most caring people I have ever met in my life; she is kind, beautiful, gentle, and strong. She has been a rock for me in many times of pain in my life. In only 7 years we have shared SO many wonderful things! I feel truly blessed to know and love her, and to be loved by her.

Here's the crux of it all: she's been married about 4 years now to a wonderful man whom I also love dearly. They had decided they wanted to start trying for a family and DING! Pregnant within a couple weeks. Sadly, about 4 weeks later she was on the OR table with a ruptured tubal pregnancy, leaving one fallopian tube intact to try again when the time was right. When I saw her on my trip thru the PNW, she thought she might be pregnant again, but was scared because of what had happened last time. She
and her hubby had decided not to tell anyone if they were expecting until after the first trimester had passed. Late last night I scroll through my inbox and there it is...a letter from her telling me about rupture #2. Both tubes irreparably scarred now. She is devastated. If I could in any way convince my work to let me go, it would be worth any amount of effort or money for me to go be there with her right now...*sigh* It's killing me to think I can't be with her right now; I can only offer so much support through the written word, or over a phone line, or through that line that connects our souls together. Sweet Lady it's frustrating as hell for me to not be there for her as much as I want to be!

After falling asleep last night I had a very vivid dream (which is really odd for me, I VERY rarely remember any of my dreams). I dreamt I offered to be a surrogate mother for the two of them. I am a healthy, young woman. I have good genes (as far as I know, lol!). My friend and I are quite similar in physical appearance: same hair/eye colour, similar body build although I do have about 4" on her heightwise. I do not want children for myself (well, it's more complicated than that, but the simple explanation will do here, heh), however I do long to experience pregnancy, labour and delivery. I almost wish some days I *did* want to find some fellow and pop out rugrats by the score because the Preg/L&D aspect is so appealing. That part of it is such a beautiful thought, such a sacred thing...it's just the part after that my spirit tells me is not my place.

So, here I sit and ponder things....how on earth would you bring up that topic? How could you offer it with the least risk of seeming "creepy" and being something to feel discomfort about down the road (yes, I know it's a possibility regardless...). Is this perhaps just a selfish idea of mine, a slightly less irresponsible way to enjoy what I want without the responsibilities afterwards than just getting myself knocked up and then offering the baby up for adoption? Actually, scratch that...I could never give up a wombchild of mine to a stranger.

What would you think if you were in her situation and one of your best friends offered that to you? I would never think of mentioning it until they had done quite significant healing from this back-to-back loss. Would you be horrified, interested, touched?

So...feedback? Opinions, ideas, personal experiences? Any direction on groups to contact to maybe discuss this further?
Clear dreams are usually of great import to me; they are usually either things that will come to pass, or things that often *should* come to pass, if I am wise enough to listen This is not something I would ever jump into lightly. To be honest, I hadn't a clue where else I could post such an issue and have a chance at honest (go ahead, brutal honesty is good in my book), varied viewpoints. There's quite a mix in the old Lit bag I've noticed. Private feedback is appreciated as well, either through PM or
email (mystressk@hotmail.com)

Hope this one isn't too weird...who would've guessed I would find this crazy sex story site and then later find the BB for it and
then post something like this here...I guess I've really nowhere else to go I can think of atm...heh

Thanks in advance
*hugs*
Mae

 

[Rubyfruit]

Mae, I am heartsick about your friend's loss. I can not imagine the pain she and her husband must be in now.

I do not think it would be creepy at all for you to approach them with your idea when you feel the time is right. I'm not an expert, but I believe they'd probably be able to harvest her eggs, inseminate with her husband's sperm and implant the embryo(s) in you.

I do think that you need to give this more thought though. What if it was a multible pregnancy? How would your friend feel if you wanted a reduction in the number of fetuses? Could you financially and emotionally tolerate months of bed rest?

You are a wonderful friend, Mae and she is lucky to have you.

Ruby

 

[christophe]

mae before going thru a miriad of potential problems that have plagued surrogate motherhood...perhaps steer your friends toward a physcian who specializes in high risk pregancies.

severley scarred tissue may leave her unable to concieve by natural methods, but perhaps if an egg was removed from her ovary, fertalized and then implanted into her uterous, mothernature may take over and allow her a remaining normal pregnacy.

best wishes and good luck to all of you

 

[Rambling Rose]

Mae, this is going to require some thought on my part before I respond, but I wanted to tell you how glad I am to see you here. I hope you visit the General Board with more frequency.

 

[Fly_On_Wall]

Mae I have no clue what to say about any of that. but i wish you luck with whatever happens.

I know what you mean though (some people say i'm strange for this but....) even though i'm a guy i'm jealous of pregnant women, I wish there were some way I could experiance what it is like to carry and bare a part of yourself into the world... yes i will someday be able to watch that and enjoy being with my children.
but I know what you mean none the less

 

[Mae13]

Actually Ruby...

I am basing my idea on the assumption that I am fertile, lol. Not sure on specifics yet (such as using her hub as the donor vs anonymous donor, etc...)

There are several MUCH less invasive ways to fertilize a woman. Course there's the old-fashioned way, but Mike and I aren't THAT close and I think that might be taking it a bit too far, lol....and I couldn't even begin to imagine the freakish path to finding a physically/mentally healthy man to have sex with for the purpose of conceiving a child I was just "giving away"....
There's also ICI (intra-cervical implantation) and IUI (intra-uterine implantation), both of which involve taking a sperm sample and using a soft, flexible cannula to "inject" the semen either into the cervical os or actually into the uterus during the fertile time of a woman's cycle.
The technicalities are something I understand well after working in OB/GYN out/inpatient a bit

So the harvesting/multiple implantation isn't much of a factor for me in this case, unless it was found I had some problems myself with getting or remaining pregnant. You know, that part I hadn't even though of myself...what if *I* have fertility/carrying a pregnancy issues? Hrm...more food for thought (as if I needed more! Sometimes I really need that OFF switch for my noodle....)

Thanks for the responses so far guys *hugs*

Mae

 

[Chuckus]

Mae,

I don't have any advice to you. Think long and hard though is all I will offer up. Any friend would be lucky to have a friend like you. I know I would...........

Chuckus

 

[Mellon Collie]

I think that it is truly and incredibly noble of you to even consider doing this for your friend. I mean I don't know you other than running across a post of yours here and there but I really think the world of you now. I've never been in a situation like yours and I'm sure I don't know the circumstances well enough to offer advice regarding whether or not you should go through with it but even your consideration shows how lucky this woman is to have you in her life. Whatever you choose to do, I hope everything works out wonderfully, for the both of you.

 

[Weird Harold]

Re: Actually Ruby...

I am basing my idea on the assumption that I am fertile, lol. Not sure on specifics yet (such as using her hub as the donor vs anonymous donor, etc...)
...
So the harvesting/multiple implantation isn't much of a factor for me in this case, unless it was found I had some problems myself with getting or remaining pregnant. You know, that part I hadn't even though of myself...what if *I* have fertility/carrying a pregnancy issues? Hrm...more food for thought (as if I needed more! Sometimes I really need that OFF switch for my noodle....)

Thanks for the responses so far guys *hugs*

Mae

I can't help but wonder if you have a subconscious desire to pass your genes on -- you missd the question about being a host mother as opposed to a surrogate mother. This is NOT casting aspersion n you for the way your mind works -- just an observation.

First: Give your friend as much support as you can, however you can. This is a very tough problem for her to enndure.

Second: Given advances in grafting and microsurgery, I doubt very much her problem is completely insoluble. Her tubes may be reparable; she may be able to bypass the damage via some in-vitro fertiliztion process that will allow the eggs to implant properly; or, she may decide that "God has Spoken" and resign herself to being barren.

Third: Consider the difference between Host-mother and surrogate-mother. I'm sure that there are tests and procedures that will determine if you could carry one of her eggs (fertilized in-vitro by her husband) to term. If you are compatible, I'm sure that she'd probably prefer a child of hers to a child of yours.

Fourth: Dig deep inside yourself and figure out if you could really nurture a child within you for nine-months and then give it up.

The very sparse history of surrogate motherhood is filled with legal battles over custody because the hormonal changes and rigors of pregnancy caused formerly blase women to turn into raging poster-girls for "Motherhood." Are you confident enough of your friendship and lack of "motherly instincts" to brave the emotional storm pregnancy involves?

Finally, to broach the subject to your friend, start with, "What are you going to do now?" Find out how determined she is to have children; whether adoption is an option; has she gotten a second opinion from a fertility specialist; etc. Her answers to those questions should give some clue as to how she will accept your offer of assistance.

 

[PowerOfOne]

Surrogate mothers

I know there are surrogate moms out there. I have always thought it a very noble and probably the ultimate display of love. However, I could not do it.

I carried my baby within me for 9 months. The last months were very uncomfortable, the first month or so was riddled with puking my guts out. They can make all the maternity clothes they want but they all look like crap. And the delivery was EXCRUCIATING! If males want to know what it feels like, pull your lower lip up over your head.

But it was a time I would not take a million dollars for. I loved watching my baby grow through sonograms and even my belly expanding. We bonded while she was in the wound so I KNOW that I could not have given her up. I have never understood how others can give their child up. I suppose they are better than me.

I wish you and your friend the best of luck and hope that you both make the right choices for each of you.

 

[Pan718]

A very...

A very compassionate response, Mae...

I too would encourage you to go slowly with this for your friend's sake and for your own. Offering a solution too soon after the loss of her pregnancy could be intended as a deeply caring response, but could disconnect her from grieving their loss. Giving someone you love the time to feel their pain can be such a hard thing to do.

Giving yourself time to grieve your friend's loss might also be important to make this as free and loving an offer as I hear you want it to be.

You're a good woman.

My warm embrace for you, and my healing energy and prayers for your friend.

 

[Gilly Bean]

Re: Actually Ruby...

I am basing my idea on the assumption that I am fertile, lol. Not sure on specifics yet (such as using her hub as the donor vs anonymous donor, etc...)

Just from reading that, I would like to point out that if you are using your eggs, it isn't really surrogate. That would be your child, flesh and blood, that you are giving up for adoption. They would have to sign adoption papers, as would you. In reading that you are so willing, I wouldn't see that as a problem, however, she might not be ready to deal with that.

A surrogate is someone who carries another woman's embryo in her womb. So, for surrogate mother-hood, you would need the envasive implantation. They would harvest an egg (actually, multiple eggs), then they would fertilize them with the husbands sperm. They would be implanting anywhere from 1 to 5 eggs in your womb, and hope that at least one took. The procedure costs alot, and there is no garentee that it will work.

If you are both comfortable with the adoption method, I would suggest that one. It is cheaper, and far less invasive in the long run.

 

[april-wine]

Wow Mae, what a question and such a thing to ponder.....Personally I have a very good friend who was a surrogate mother for her cousin....They had no problem conceiving but she could not carry the child, and after a number of miscarriages, my friend, offered to carry their child....It was long a process they talked alot, as well they decided between them who would be responsible for what costs.....


Needless to say, two years later beautiful Samantha was born....My friend has expressed to me numerous times how it was the greatest thing she has ever done....She would do it again in a heartbeat....She says the day she saw her cousins eyes was the one of the happiest days in her life.....

Whenever anyone asked her if she would have a hard time giving the baby up after carrying it for 9 months she always responded the same way.....I'm just the oven, it's their bread.....

Samantha is in kindergarten now, she is happy and healthy and beautiful.....She has her mother's eyes and her daddy's smile........But most of all she has a heart of gold.....I know exactly where she got it........


Hope you get something from this......It's not an easy thing for sure.......But if you are able and willing it's the greatest gift any woman can give.........April

 

[sigh]

mae...first off, i admire you greatly

think carefully though how hard this might be for you, and not just the physical work and dangers surrounding pregnancy, but the psychological hurt as well

i have friends who tried hard to conceive with no success and, after spending tens of thousands on fertility clinics, twice turned to surrogates to carry children for them

and both times found the mothers couldn't give up their children once they were born

neither mom had any desire at the outset to have a child (one was rather blatant about doing it simply for the money) but when the babies were born, they found it impossible to give them away

so consider that possible wrinkle too...

for what it's worth, i'll add my own personal note to this...when i became pregnant i had all the right reasons for not seeing it through...i did not choose to participate in the act that led to the conception, and i was far too young to assume such a burden in my life...and i had all the support and opportunities to terminate the pregnancy or give up the child for adoption that my wonderful parents could offer to me

but in the end i couldn't consider giving up my child...no matter how his life began, he was mine...and is mine

if you decide to do this, giving up this child could very well be the hardest thing you'll ever do

god bless you though...you inspire me

 

[Sabineteas]

Mae

God you are wonderful to even be thinking of this. The only advice that I can give to you is to take the time to see that your friend is over the pain as much as she can be. Then perhaps you can ask what they intend to do now.
It is wonderful that you are thinking already of offering your body for this, but I agree with others that once you have carried a baby for 9 months it may be very hard to give it up.
No matter what, from what I have seen of you, when the time comes, you will make the right decision, for them and for you too. You have a great head on your shoulders and use it well. I only wish that I had a friend like you.

 

[Cheyenne]

What am I missing? She isn't having a problem getting pregnant, just getting the egg to the proper location to attach and grow correctly. Has a doc ever told her she couldn't carry a baby to term for some reason? She isn't barren from what I read in your post.

I think you are way jumping the gun thinking she needs someone else to carry a baby for her. I think the next step would be invitro fertilization so she could have her own child, not yours.

I agree with WH. Think about how important it is to you to offer your own DNA in the process. Are you still so excited about the idea if you substitute HER egg for your own in the process? You seem to be ignoring this idea.

And where is Dr. Clozoff when you need him, hmmm?

 

[kotori]

So many factors

Mae,

Just to make things more complicated, consider the child, as an adult. I am an "adoptee," born in Ireland in the bad old days, exiled to the States. It took me forty-plus years to get the nerve to search for my natural mother, and (thank god/goddess) I was successful. It's been stressful (to say the least) for everyone involved: me, natural mom, adopting mom.
Now, I realise the situation you've described isn't the same, nor are the times and the place anything like Ireland in the mid '50s (that would be closer to the Taliban--just kidding, a bit). Just wanted to give yet another factor to consider.
Good luck

 

[Weird Harold]

What am I missing? She isn't having a problem getting pregnant, just getting the egg to the proper location to attach and grow correctly. Has a doc ever told her she couldn't carry a baby to term for some reason? She isn't barren from what I read in your post.

I'm sure Mae will correct me if I read her post wrong.

As I understand the situation Maae's friend was not barren, but after two tubal pregnancies, there is is scarring in both fallopian tubes that make her barren at this point in time.

I mentioned before that there is a good probability that the scarring could be removed or bypassed with grafting and/or microsurgery. I think that should be the first avenue explored by Mae's friend and only if that is impractical or fails should other paths to parenthood be considered.

 

[Mae13]

Methinks...

I need to make sure I make some things clearer before I post about such a complicated subject next time! Sleep deprivation, stress and anguish for my friend, the general fuck-uppedness of life...all these things lead to not-so-clear communication!

Let me clarify a couple points before I try to answer some specifics...I have NOT decided to do this, I haven't offered (nor would I ever offer something like this without LOTS of introspection, meditation, conversation...and tons of other 'tions'!) This was more of a sounding board post related to the strange train of thought my dreams took me on. I knew there were a million different things that would go into an idea like this, and I was soliciting feedback. I've never known anyone personally who has experience in these matters...I've helped many women deliver children who left the hospital with their adoptive parents, but that was a completely different scenario. I just wanted to clarify this for those of you concerned I was actually on the brink of doing this right now It was more of a "wow, I'd never even thought about offering that to someone in any situation before..." My mind tends to take off with new thoughts and likes to explore the paths to different solutions. This was just so far out from anything I had thought about before, it was a bit too complex just to tangle thru on my own

I hadn't really gotten to the point of looking at the difference of a 'surrogate mother' vs a 'host mother' or whatnot...my dream had just been the basic ideal of carrying a child for them. Whether this child had my genes, or their genes...that was not so important to me. I do not feel that primal urge to continue this branch of my family tree, even though I am the final twig in fairly large branches of both my maternal and paternal trees. There are enough miscreants and deviants (and not the GOOD kind, lol!) in those lines....hehe.

Yes, I think I could give up a child I carried for 9 months, if the intent and motivation of the pregnancy originally was to do so. While it was my wombchild, it would be *mine* to nurture and care for and grow as I perceive pregnancy should be...but once I am done being the vessel, the child would be theirs. Of course noone can say with absolute certainty I guess, but I feel very strongly that would be the case for me. However, I could see this being a big factor to work out if I were to ever go down this path. I have very firm view on how I feel pregnancy/L&D should be, and it's nowhere close to mainstream thought (at least here in the States). If I was to carry a child for someone, my prenatal and L&D care would have to go on my terms. That means an NP or a midwife for prenatal care (unless of course the pregnancy was medically complicated) and nowhere near a hospital when I delivered (again, unless it was a medically complicated pregnancy). Don't think I'd be quite up to a home birth for a first attempt, but a birthing center at the most invasive...most preferrably a holistic/somewhat 'alternative' center. Many of my friends are horrified about this thought, although I still don't quite understand why.... 'course I think everyone here that reads much of what I blab about realizes I may be a healthcare worker here, but my ideas don't jive with much of mainstream medicine...and I like it that way

I know there are quite a few other options still at their disposal to attempt to have a child between the two of them. I know right now she is terrified of the idea of ever becoming pregnant again, which I can certainly understand. She's only been pregnant twice, and both have been a very traumatic experience, both in the emotional and physical/surgical sense. I can't imagine what going through the IVF method, just to miscarry, could do to her. And with that ugly "1 in 3" stat out there (it's estimated that 1 out of every 3 pregnancies end without live delivery) This may change as they both go through the healing experience together. I have my personal views on the 'whys' of complications with preg/delivery...I *do* feel that oftentimes when people absolutely cannot conceive and/or carry a child to term, there is a reason for it. Whether this be genetic/evolutionary/karmic....I have no clue. I just know I feel it is that way for *some* reason. Of course, that would also play into the question of the true surrogate vs 'my genes' thing...as if it wasn't already complicated enough!

Hrm, guess I've rambled on enough for now though...but this post has been fulfilling my intent for it so far People bringing up all sorts of issues that all play a part in a situation like this. Thank you all and I'd like to hear whatever else people would like to say about it in general I knew ya'll wouldn't let me down *hugs*

Mae

 

[Pan718]

Thanks...

NOW it would be interesting to explore the rich symbolism of the dream you described. Apart from a literal interpretation that you 'want' or 'should' follow the dream storyline, the symbolism feels very pregnant (oh, sorry) with imagery and import.

Pan
Who often sleeps perchance to dream