pyl Anger

[shy slave]

What are people's views of pyl's who lose their temper?

Does it depend on why?

How do you honestly deal with it as a PYL?

If you are the pyl, is your temper different when you are angry with your PYL compared to how you are with other people?

Is it acceptable for a pyl to explode in anger at their PYL?


(No, this is not as a result of an argument with him *sigh*)

 

[Toa_lin]

my pyl has a slight temper to her, I was well aware of it from teh start, adn she always ends up feeling really bad abou it afterwards, but over-all, it doesn't have muhc of an affect.

 

[serijules]

What are people's views of pyl's who lose their temper?

It happens, you move on. I've lost my temper before and thrown my phone and something else at a wall on two separate occasions. When I get really really mad, I throw things. I was disciplined for it and rightly so, but it happens. If I was spanked or slapped when my Owner was angry with me, I wouldn't really view her any different than spanking me later when the anger has faded. I trust her not to harm me regardless of her mood and how and when she handles something is up to her.

Does it depend on why?

Depends, heh. I get very annoyed when people take out their temper on me for something another person did and will usually just remain quiet, let them get it out of their system and realize it has nothing to do with me. It really bothers me when people drag others into their anger and snap at them or say things they don't mean out of anger. I hate when I do that too, and try hard not to.

If you are the pyl, is your temper different when you are angry with your PYL compared to how you are with other people?

Sort of. When I am angry, I get very sullen, very quiet and very tense. The main difference in how I handle it is that while I may never tell most people why I am angry with them, I usually tell D after time to cool down as I am not allowed to withhold things. I will also remove myself from the presense of a person I am angry with....I don't do that with D as I am not allowed and I know if I ask permission to be excused, I will be forced to talk about my anger before I have a grip on that, and I need time to calm down. So initially I will try harder to contain and hide my anger, but eventually I will be more open about it with my Owner. With a random person, I am more likely to tell them what I'm pissed about and then leave. Depends on how big the issue is.

Is it acceptable for a pyl to explode in anger at their PYL?

Be angry? Yes. Explode in anger? Not in my world. I am expected to be respectful regardless of my mood. It's not how I'm feeling, but what I do with that feeling that matters. I have NEVER seen D lose her temper, although I have seen her very angry on two occasions with me. Both of us handle our anger in very quiet ways. If I exploded in anger, I would expect to be severely disciplined for it.


This is a bit choppy of an answer. I'm tired. Great question though shy.

 

[JMohegan]

What are people's views of pyl's who lose their temper?

Does it depend on why?

How do you honestly deal with it as a PYL?

If you are the pyl, is your temper different when you are angry with your PYL compared to how you are with other people?

Is it acceptable for a pyl to explode in anger at their PYL?


(No, this is not as a result of an argument with him *sigh*)

Everyone gets irritated or angry at times. They just express it in different ways.

If by "explode in anger" you are referring to a situation in which she starts yelling at me, the answer is no. That's never okay.

But my response will be a bit misleading unless you take into account the fact that I just don't date women who express their anger in that kind of a way. Some people come from a background in which yelling is considered normal and a healthy release. Some don't.

 

[Byakuya]

personally I think that if either of us got really angry during any form of sex, that would be the end of it.. I'd say "I think we should wait until we're feeling better"..

btw, forgive my ignorance, but could someone define PYL for me? from the context, I think that PYL means dom and pyl means sub, but I would like to know what the letters stand for.. I looked on the internet and only came up with "Press Your Luck"..

 

[graceanne]

Ok, I have a temper (I know, hard to believe). Not like K's, but I do. We actually set up rules concering it before we entered this arangement.

Quite frankly K has a Temper. He's not physically abusive, but he tends to yell and throw things and all that stuff. (I do not want to get into another argument with people on whether they'd put up with that or not - I don't care what people think about my marriage.) I don't feel that just cause i'm the pyl I should have to put up with it, and I won't. Usually I'll just put the kids in the car and go to my sisters or a friends until he's calmed down. But sometimes that's not an option (like when I don't have any gas in my car). K and I agreed that if he starts acting like that that I can respond. I will not be verbally abused, I am no one's floormat. Period. And I sure as hell won't let him act like that toward the kids.

Other times K will want a fight, but want it to be my fault, so he'll do things he knows is going to get him yelled at by me (like following me around nit picking every fucking thing I do). I also have the right to leave or yell at him. If he wants a fight that bad he doesn't get to get pissed when I give him what he's looking for.

On occasion (rarely cause i'm nearly perfect ) it's my fault. He and I handle that privately. But, quite frankly, normally if the fights my fault their's extenuating circumstances - like I'm sick and/or on steroids. As far as I'm concerned (and he agrees with me, and frankly so does Netzach) I am not responsible for aggressive behavior when I'm on meds that make you aggressive.

 

[Toa_lin]

personally I think that if either of us got really angry during any form of sex, that would be the end of it.. I'd say "I think we should wait until we're feeling better"..

btw, forgive my ignorance, but could someone define PYL for me? from the context, I think that PYL means dom and pyl means sub, but I would like to know what the letters stand for.. I looked on the internet and only came up with "Press Your Luck"..

PYL/pyl is in teh library, but here, lemme define it for you, ur right abtuo the dom and sub corralation, pyl adn PYL just stand for "pick your label" and "Pick Your Label"

 

[Byakuya]

ahh, thanks for the definition! I looked in the library, but I couldn't find it.. never was that great at doing research, hehe..

 

[shy slave]

personally I think that if either of us got really angry during any form of sex, that would be the end of it.. I'd say "I think we should wait until we're feeling better"..

btw, forgive my ignorance, but could someone define PYL for me? from the context, I think that PYL means dom and pyl means sub, but I would like to know what the letters stand for.. I looked on the internet and only came up with "Press Your Luck"..

Hi
I should have been more clear, I am sorry.
I didn't mean necessarily during, or as part of, sex, I just meant angry at any time.

Thanks to all who have answered, interesting comments. I am now off to bed but will be back later

 

[the captians wench]

I think I have more tollerance when I'm around a dominate figure. I say that because I'm around my friends more often than my Love. But for some reason when I'm around then things that would normally piss me off don't seem to matter as much.

When I do get angry around them, or at them, I tend to just growl a bit. But my lashing out, and even sometimes my growl is not tollerated. A growl will usually get me a hair tug and then I'm asked why I'm growling.

 

[subtleone]

I have lost my temper a couple of times right at the beginning of the D/s side of our relationship, we both subsequently agreed that this was purely down to our both starting the journey together and little misunderstandings were to be expected; this is when we learnt the valuable lesson of total communication.
My temper is something that I do not like and will be glad to remove from my list of traits, I never lose my temper outside of my home and mainly with Him as he was my safety net ( ie: I could loose my temper, vent my frustration and it would have no lasting effect ) however as someone mentioned it is unfair to loose your temper with someone if it is not strictly their fault. As I consider myself still a sub in training I am hoping that temper tantrums will be one of the things that he trains me not to have. Anger? Yes it is fine (and probably healthy) to get angry, we just need to channel that anger into more productive 'vents'. We are only human after all, if something niggles us or makes us angry we need to communicate it in a civilised way before it gets to the point of us loosing our temper. Oh if it were so easy, but practice makes perfect!

 

[ownedsubgal]

well i don't have much of a temper (or any temper really). anger is not an emotion i relate to well, because it's such an outward sort of emotion whereas i naturally take things inward. so for instance, in a typical situation where a "normal" person might get a bit angry, instead i get hurt, and become instantly depressed..."woe is me"..."life sucks"...type of thing. so i'm not sure i can really answer this question. there have been times i have gotten upset with Daddy, but i have never reacted in any way that could be definable as angry. usually, if i can, i'll just leave the room, go off someplace alone for a short while and feel sorry for myself for a bit. or if i can't leave at just that moment, i'll just be still and inwardly sulk, wallow in self-pity for a bit, but try my best to keep an outward "normal" appearance and behavior.

probably if i did have a temper, my Master wouldn't be with me as that's not a quality he finds attractive in women. He also has quite a heated temper himself, so if someone were similar to him in that area he'd be extremely turned off and likely not view them as feminine.

 

[Netzach]

There is only room for one volatile asshole in a functional relationship. I am that asshole.

That's not to say that M never displays annoyance, gets mad, yells (often at things other than me, say in traffic.)

If he's really REALLY mad at me he tends to get very quiet and deliberate in his tone of voice. I think yelling at me scares him too much, so the quiet eerie thing happens.

A lot of this is how we were raised, bottom line. M's from Germanic midwestern stock, people who don't do visible anger. I'm from NYC Jews, just because I'm screaming my head off doesn't mean I don't love you.

 

[myinnerslut]

i am emotional. that means im happy. im bubbly. im energetic. i cry easily. i have a temper. i have a whole range of emotions that all have a part in making up "me". Sir usually likes this as he says it makes me very easy to read. i am an open book to him.

on the topic of anger specifically, i can get more then angry, i can get flaming mad. i am bipolar (not an excuse but mabye an explination in this case) and i can feel very strongly about particular topics. any conversation that revolves around my emotional health usually ends with me in tears or screaming. Sir understands and just asks i do not direct my anger to him, even though he may be there while i am furious.

on the occasion that the focus of my anger IS him, he usually manages to very calmy say one thing that manages to remind me exactly who i am to him and why he is my Sir, and i almost instantly change my dmeanor. im not sure how he does it, except to say that he has very good control over me and a good understanding of how i work.

 

[BiBunny]

It's very, very hard to make me angry. It's pretty easy to irritate me; it's not terribly difficult to piss me off. But you've got to work hard to make me angry. I'm also one of those people who holds everything inside. If I'm angry, sad, hurt, whatever, I just internalize it and say nothing. Often, the only way to tell that there's something wrong is that I'm not as talkative as usual. One day, the proverbial straw breaks the camel's back, and it all comes out on whoever happens to be there at the time.

I try not to do this. I try to exhibit more control over my emotions, and I've gotten much better about it than I used to be. I wish I were a better communicator so I didn't do this, but confrontation of any kind bothers me until I'm so upset that I just don't care anymore.

My Master has never seen me get angry. He's seen me get irritated with him, but that's all. I honestly hope he never sees me get angry, but it's inevitable if he remains in my life. He has hurt me and upset me on more than one occasion (and sometimes he has no idea that he's done it), though, and so one day he'll probably be privy to one of my bouts of anger.

Oh, and did I mention I'm a master grudge-holder?

 

[liberatedslave]

It's very, very hard to make me angry. It's pretty easy to irritate me; it's not terribly difficult to piss me off. But you've got to work hard to make me angry.

I'd say I'm similar to BiBunny. I frequently waste precious minutes of my life ranting futilely at some petty bureaucracy, the weather (Yes, I'm British) or the train I just burst a lung running for and missed. Fortunately for Sir, none of these frustrations are directed at him but he has listened to me patiently on more than one occasion while I lay into the universe at large.

In relationships I tend, not to bottle but to internalize an issue until I'm calm enough to discuss it. If I'm ever genuinely angry I will make that known but then I'll separate myself from my partner for a few minutes or a long walk until I feel able to discuss it without exploding.

I will confess that I don't have a 100% success rate at this, and on occasion I have exploded at my partner. The relationship was dying anyway and I did get severely punished for it, which I expected but wasn't all that graceful about at the time.

Sir and I haven't had a row yet. I think it's one of the veiled benefits of LDR that you never spend enough time together to get sick of the sight of each other.

 

[Cheshire D]

Let me preface this by saying that I grew up in a home where everyone else was yelling, but yelling and showing anger by me was inappropriate. So, I quickly learned to shove it down and shut it off. Didn't care when my parents and brother were screaming like banshees at each other, I just continued along my merry little path... Recently I had more of an opportunity to leave the house when such explosions occured, so I took the flight response. Safer; certainly prevented me from going apesh*t and violently angry against my family. Yeah, I'm aware that the stragety isn't exactly the healthiest...but one does what one has to do to survive sometimes. My family wasn't...really all that bad, each and everyone of us just had problems.

I've developed an almost-neurosis of cleaning up things when I'm emotional. My roomie will come home and find that my side is spotless and she'll know that I've managed to get myself upset at someone or something. *laughs* Like last night, my roommate and her boyfriend were having a tiff over something stupid, and I just couldn't handle it. The boyfriend, who happens to be...well we're about as close as one could get without penetrative sex, and he's probably the closest thing I have to a Dom at the moment, told me to get up and leave the room, otherwise I was pretty obviously going to explode and do something I'd seriously regret. (Hormones are partly to blame for my even more extreme response.)(I am also amazed at this man's ability to read me like a book.) Burned out the anger and everything was alright after that.

*rereads post*.....God help the PYL that decides to take me on permanently.

 

[FurryFury]

What are people's views of pyl's who lose their temper?

Doesn't everyone lose their temper from time to time? Isn't that part of being human?

Does it depend on why?

It could if someone is judging them and deciding whether their anger is valid or not. In my opinion feeling are valid being negatively judged over them isn't something I tend find useful.

How do you honestly deal with it as a PYL?

I'm not a PYL but I deal with it this way. I show concern. If you are the pyl, is your temper different when you are angry with your PYL compared to how you are with other people? If they are too angry to behave or speak decently, I leave them the hell alone until they can talk reasonably. If they will let me I comfort them or listen.


Is it acceptable for a pyl to explode in anger at their PYL?

I'd say it's human. Who decides what's acceptable? You and your partner are the only ones who can decide. I'd personally hate to cut off someones feelings and call them unacceptable. At times the actions taken due to those feeling might be unacceptable though.

I grew up with people who raged. I don't like it. I try to make myself small and quiet when people are that way unless I have to be the one authority figure who steps up.

Talking it out later when the feelings, whatever they may be, are not blinding you or them is best. Of course you must be with someone who can be adult enough to do that and IMO to whom your feelings mean as much or more to them than their own.

As a child my feelings weren't okay. Accordning to my caregivers their feelings always were, even when it lead to physical or other wrong doing.

When I was married before, he was very similar. If I had feelings at all I was being "emotional" when in truth he was far more emotional than I was. He couldn't look inside himself though and that is a HUGE road block.

Now my current husband bitches constantly. My first reaction is to think he is coming at me. He never is. He is just blowing off steam. Then he is done with it.

Whereas, as someone else says, I tend to turn it inward. His way is likely MUCH healthier. My way is IMO, more harmonious to live with. It's certainly more quiet! Though I'll admit, am seeking to improve myself, nearly always.

Fury

 

[shy slave]

Interesting replies.

It seems that for some people how they display their anger depends on what was happening when they were growing up.

I grew up in a home where the cold type of anger was used a great deal. That kind of anger terrifies me. If I can't 'read' another persons body language because they have gone quiet with anger I get very nervous and try and make them talk. It is always the wrong thing to do, but I struggle to control that.

My anger is not different with him but I do stop short before I really explode (he may disagree with that statement).
Instead I 'run away' by that I mean leave the house in order to calm down.

Being in an LDR means there have been times when one of us has been angry or we have both been angry, yet there is little time to calm down and make amends before we have to leave each other again. It can put a different kind of pressure on things.

I do have a temper, he knows that. I have never thrown things at him, but I have been so angry I have been beyond reason. he also has a temper which has made some interesting moments.

To be able to be angry, upset or pissed off is all part of a relationship. Whether it is D/s or vanilla, knowing yourself well enough to say 'this is how it is when I am mad' is the same as saying what kind (if any) aftercare suits you.

I knew I needed a PYL who was sure enough of himself to cope when I became mad. Punishing me for it would not work, it would only serve to make me even more angry.

I have talked to PYL's who believed:
*pyl's should never, ever lose their temper
*pyl's should be punished if they become angry
*pyl's who become angry are not 'proper' pyl's

I have also come across PYL's who become puppy dogs and eager to please the instant a pyl lost their temper. Wonderful topping from the bottom, but in the long term not always ideal.

There is only room for one volatile asshole in a functional relationship. I am that asshole.

I love this line, it reminds of a close friend who said 'There is only room for one insane person in any relationship, and thats me' (referring to themselves).

So, it begs the question that Gracie touched upon.
When your PYL gets angry what do you do?
Does your reaction differ if the anger is in direct relation to something you have done, or if it is as a result of an external reason for example work, neighbours?

 

[shy slave]

<snip>
Sir and I haven't had a row yet. I think it's one of the veiled benefits of LDR that you never spend enough time together to get sick of the sight of each other.

I have never been sick of the sight of him when we see each other but I have become very pissed off about small things.
I had tidied my house and he left a newspaper laying on the floor. I was really pissed off about it, really, really, really!!
I am able to see coffee cups in every possible room and not get mad now, so I am improving lol

 

[graceanne]

I have never been sick of the sight of him when we see each other but I have become very pissed off about small things.
I had tidied my house and he left a newspaper laying on the floor. I was really pissed off about it, really, really, really!!
I am able to see coffee cups in every possible room and not get mad now, so I am improving lol

LOL The other day I cleaned the whole house, and was on the toilet when he got home from work. He threw his coat on the FLOOR. I came out, took three deep, slow breaths, and said "K, could you please not leave your coat on the floor?" It was very, very, VERY tempting to scream at him for leaving that fucking thing there, but I restrained myself. This time.

 

[shy slave]

LOL The other day I cleaned the whole house, and was on the toilet when he got home from work. He threw his coat on the FLOOR. I came out, took three deep, slow breaths, and said "K, could you please not leave your coat on the floor?" It was very, very, VERY tempting to scream at him for leaving that fucking thing there, but I restrained myself. This time.

I am not a neat freak so when that kind of thing happens I really have to restrain myself as well.

I know how you felt {{{hugs}}}

 

[graceanne]

I am not a neat freak so when that kind of thing happens I really have to restrain myself as well.

I know how you felt {{{hugs}}}

I'm not a neat freak either. And I'm cleaning up after seven people these days. I felt I should have gotten a medal for not killing him. lol *huggles*

 

[callinectes]

We have only been together 4 months and I have not been angry about anything during that time. Peeved? Oh yes, without a doubt. Usually we can just talk through the issue and everything is fine. On one memorable occasion though, I was just plain being bitchy for no reason. He called me on it, hard. It scared the heck outta me and shocked me at the same time. it was the first time a man had ever said "Enough" to me and really meant it. I knew the potential for that to occur was there but the reality was unbelievable. It was a watershed moment in our relationship.

I am not prone to explosive anger... I get a calm, cold angry. Luckily it very seldom happens.

 

[Netzach]

So, it begs the question that Gracie touched upon.
When your PYL gets angry what do you do?
Does your reaction differ if the anger is in direct relation to something you have done, or if it is as a result of an external reason for example work, neighbours?

When M gets angry, and I know it's about something to do with me, I usually stifle a knee-jerk defensive response or two, or have them and then apologize for having them, get pretty quiet and sit down and talk about it. It takes a lot for him to express anger, so by the time it happens I know it's a serious red flag.

Crazy, but it works pretty well for us. I don't feel especially disrespected because he manages to be remarkably respectful while being mad.