Polyamory

[HottieMama]

Okay thank you. Another question: what if she hasn't physically played with these people at this point, but she has a strong emotional attachment - like involved in D/s and in love? Does the same rule apply?

Oh fuck yes...even moreso. Sex is rather disposable to me... A play partner could be a one shot deal to experience a new thing and that's it. Getting involved emotionally outside of the "triad" would be a HUGE deal.

 

[Essene]

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[Netzach]

I do operate like your theoretical top does. My interests lie somewhere between swinging and what most people think of as poly, I've never found a word I liked. Open relationship kind of works.

I have great, stable relationships with three other people. I'm not on the hunt to add anyone, but I'm also not going to chase new and interesting people away, simply because I don't want them to move in with me. I'm not going to draw a line around the sex I have saying "this sex needs to be meaningless, or M will get jealous, or my Bull will get jealous, or my slave will feel neglected--"

why would I meet someone, and have to cheapen everything at the outset in order to feel allowed to go there? It's like making a new friend but thinking "well I'll never be able to let you be a CLOSE friend." I won't do that.

I'm picky about who I play with, but I won't *not play* or play with boring dull people or people I won't let myself find out the good parts about - I don't feel like I personally have an emotional roster that's filled at some point. What I do or don't do with new people IN NO WAY is a comment on M, or my Bull, or H. Maybe the comment might boil down to "she's got a pussy" if anything, but really it's got NOTHING to do with the other people "failing to do" anything at all for me, and has to do with me, someone I find interesting, and making a connection.

It's not that I'm not going to set any boundaries with anyone -of course I'm not going to destabilize the relationships that are most important to me. No one's moving in. If anyone has delusions, they will be corrected. But it's not to say I can't love these other people, or value them, or value the things they bring to the table, or share certain things with them which pertain to us and not to me and my partners. If that's too threatening for one of the other parties, I'm probably not the right person to be with that seriously. Because to me, it's like controlling my friendships. My friendships sometimes happen to involve fucking and sometimes they don't and honestly there's not that much difference in the quality of those based on that factor.

 

[serijules]

*snip*

why would I meet someone, and have to cheapen everything at the outset in order to feel allowed to go there? It's like making a new friend but thinking "well I'll never be able to let you be a CLOSE friend." I won't do that.

*snip*

This is how it works for Ma'am too, which is why I think I find you so interesting and can relate to you so well. You GET how my relationship works. Very few people really seem to get that.

In response to other comments made....it really depends, IMO, if the relationship is one of lover/partnerships with all the people involved, or D/s. I love Ma'am, she loves me, we're a happy family blah blah blah....but the idea of her having to make sure everyone involved in her life is "ok" with anyone new she gets involved with is absurd for me, based on how our relationships work. She never will and never has been concerned about getting "permission" to form the relationships she wants.

Of course she puts time and thought into how it will affect her relationships with those important in her life, but that won't stop her from doing what SHE pleases. Those other people have nothing to do with me or the others. Our relationships are all unique and important. Noone can change that except her and I.

I had and still have a hard time whenever she gets involved with someone new on almost any level though. I'm getting better at this as I grow more secure, but I still have moments of thinking "what do they offer that I can't? How does she have enough love to go around?" Her answer to that is to compare her relationships and the love involved in them to me and my pets. I have 3 pets. Just because I get a new one, or have more than one, does that mean I love any of the others any less, or that the offer me any less? Not in the least. Same with parents and their children.

People DO have the ability to love on a bigger scale than just "you". There are many examples of this and ALL of us are involved in this in some way, be it by being a child with siblings, having multiple children or multiple pets, etc. We rarely even give it a second thought as adults that we are not able to love on a multiple scale in regards to parenting and pet ownership and family and friendships, yet we often balk at applying that to romantic relationships. Why does the shoe drop there?

I feel that it's perfectly normal to have doubts, insecurities and whatnot about a new person coming into someone you loves life. Change is hard for the best of us. However, I have to wonder about a persons' ability to comprehend poly if they limit the reach of the love allowed to just that which THEY are comfortable with. Sometimes it's not all about "you".

It's possible to be a monogamous person in a poly relationship...I am one such as Ma'am is my only partner and I have no desire for anyone else. She has multiple relationships, none of which affect me. But like Netz said, an attraction to another person doesn't suddenly mean the others a person is involved with are failing to meet needs somehow. It's the nature of poly to be attracted and drawn to other people. That doesn't mean intimate relationships have to form from it, but the nature of poly is to be drawn to relationships and bonds with multiple people. There isn't really a "full" switch. You don't keep filling the tank and then all the sudden the pump shuts off because "oh, I hit my limit, that's it! Have to unload some of these people before I can fit more in".

When it works like that, it's called monogamy

That limit is a personal thing and varies from person to person and relationship to relationship. Some people make promises to their partners that they will commit themselves only to the triad or whatnot and if that works for them, that's wonderful. However, I feel if you try to enforce limits on a poly partner that only really work for YOU, you are setting the relationship up to fail. Eventually, they may come to resent you for not accepting and understanding their true nature. I may not share Ma'ams desires towards poly, I may not even completely understand them, but since I have learned to ACCEPT them and focus more on her and I instead of wasting time and heartache on her and others, our relationship has been so so very much more secure and happy for both of us.

 

[Essene]

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[serijules]

I realize this as well. I think I'm just going to have to cut my losses, although I was really trying to understand, and through understanding achieve accpetance; but I don't know if I'm ready for that.

Heck, I *understand* it and I don't insist that things go my way, but I'm not necessarily ready to accept it completely. That's taken years and probably will take many more years until I really am completely comfortable with the concept.

That being said, I feel the relationship is just too valuable to let go over something like that, and I can't put my finger on even one instance where the others have truly affected me and my relationship directly (through my perception they have at times, but I've always been shown that my perception is inaccurate). So I just keep striving to understand and accept more and over time it gets easier and makes more sense.

 

[Essene]

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[BiBunny]

Netz said pretty much everything I would've said on the subject. I'll think on it a bit and come back later, though.

 

[EmpressFi]

I guess it all depends on the person.

I understand what everyone's saying... at least I think I do.

I know for me, were I in that situation, if it werent something that was agreed at the start of the relationship, it would be something that would throw me for a loop. I have enough issues with self-worth and my attractiveness, that to have someone finding more and more replacements, er, new partners, would constantly have me in a tizzy of "Why am I not enough? Why am I not good enough, not entertaining enough, not loveable ..enough?" But this issue wouldnt be my partner's to fix.. it would be mine to fix, or ignore, or leave the relationship.

Malin and I have an odd relationship in that we are poly. He has two other significant others and I like them both alot. However, I only have Master. And I'm perfectly content in that. I dont want anyone else and Master doesnt either. However, if he did, I know I'd have jealousy issues to work through, but I would, because that was the early agreement.

The only thing about the theoretical situation that would honestly be the clincher for me... one that recently hit close to home. I'm sure that if sexual situations occur, we're all assuming that everyone is using safe sex. However, for me, it's not about giving my "permission" to a new potential partner, play or otherwise, but the fact that that lover is possibly putting me and my lovers at risk by taking other lovers to their bed without my knowledge beforehand that would be where I put my foot down and say, perhaps I need to end that part of our intimacy.

That's just my opinion. Break my heart, that will heal ... but I've only got one body and no matter how I feel about it, i'ts mine and I want to keep it as long as possible.

 

[Essene]

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[EmpressFi]

Right. Thanks Fi.

The more I think - and I've been thinking on this one constantly - I think I could eventually learn acceptance. But having to learn acceptance on the fly while having the loyalty issues is what really caused me to need to leave.

Surprisingly I'm a very loving person. I love hard, I'm very loyal. I feel like she put her loyalty to "Jane" who is new to her ahead of her loyalty to me. She's more loyal to Jane, therefore she loves Jane more than me - at least it really feels that way. I'm not her core relationship, so I feel like I was replaced to a degree because I don't have the security of a title like spouse or whatever.

And I'm so tired of being picked last and loved least. And I know this is MY issue, but it makes it difficult for me to invest myself like that.

Does that make sense at all?

it makes perfect sense to me really. That is my fear at times. what do I do if they find someone they love more?

 

[Essene]

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[HottieMama]

HM brought up the term "polyfidelity"... which I didn't know about until last night.

Would polyfidelity be more along the lines of set partners?

It did occur to me that I may be somewhat monogamously inclined - but practicing the bastard cousin of monogamy or something like that.

PM...jesus woman, i just spit Diet Pepsi on the monitor @ "bastard cousin of monogamy." For me, you're right though.

i totally understand the "children analogy" that others have used, but it doesn't necessarily work for me. i have two children. i love them equally. However, i am SATISFIED with two children and feel complete. i don't want anymore. Therefore, i take steps to prevent that from happening.

Now substitute the word lovers/partners for the word children and you have my stance/opinion of polyfidelity.

 

[EmpressFi]

PM...jesus woman, i just spit Diet Pepsi on the monitor @ "bastard cousin of monogamy." For me, you're right though.

i totally understand the "children analogy" that others have used, but it doesn't necessarily work for me. i have two children. i love them equally. However, i am SATISFIED with two children and feel complete. i don't want anymore. Therefore, i take steps to prevent that from happening.

Now substitute the word lovers/partners for the word children and you have my stance/opinion of polyfidelity.

Yes... that is where I am right now. I am satisfied and complete with my two men.

ETA: and I would feel lost and broken without either one of them

 

[Essene]

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[Evil_Geoff]

... why would I meet someone, and have to cheapen everything at the outset in order to feel allowed to go there? It's like making a new friend but thinking "well I'll never be able to let you be a CLOSE friend." I won't do that.

I'm picky about who I play with, but I won't *not play* or play with boring dull people or people I won't let myself find out the good parts about - I don't feel like I personally have an emotional roster that's filled at some point. What I do or don't do with new people IN NO WAY is a comment on M, or my Bull, or H. Maybe the comment might boil down to "she's got a pussy" if anything, but really it's got NOTHING to do with the other people "failing to do" anything at all for me, and has to do with me, someone I find interesting, and making a connection.

It's not that I'm not going to set any boundaries with anyone -of course I'm not going to destabilize the relationships that are most important to me. No one's moving in. If anyone has delusions, they will be corrected. But it's not to say I can't love these other people, or value them, or value the things they bring to the table, or share certain things with them which pertain to us and not to me and my partners. If that's too threatening for one of the other parties, I'm probably not the right person to be with that seriously. Because to me, it's like controlling my friendships. My friendships sometimes happen to involve fucking and sometimes they don't and honestly there's not that much difference in the quality of those based on that factor.

Gawd, Netzach, sometimes you say the most brilliant things, and I don't have to!

 

[myinnerslut]

*bump*


i just spent the last 40 minutes reading this thread (yes the ENTIRe thread, all 17 pages) and i have a few questions but i need to run to class. so ill be back later. in the meantime, hello everybody.

 

[myinnerslut]

the thread touched slightly on this topic but i was wondering if anybody had any more in depth answers. most of the thread deals with established relationships that allow others in.

i was wondering how one can deal with being the person that is let into the established relationship. is there any way to make that easier?

 

[Essene]

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[Netzach]

the thread touched slightly on this topic but i was wondering if anybody had any more in depth answers. most of the thread deals with established relationships that allow others in.

i was wondering how one can deal with being the person that is let into the established relationship. is there any way to make that easier?

Immerse slowly.

Be realistic about whether you have enough common denominators to pull you through the sexless and boring parts of life, if you have an eye to making it long term in any way.

Be really even-steven about how you pay attention to both partners and the time and energy. It sucks thinking that the new swing friend is really interested in fucking X and just fucking you as a way to get to that.

 

[BiBunny]

This is probably going to sound so obvious that it seems like I'm insulting your intelligence, but I'm really not. It's just something that SO many people forget.

You have to genuinely like one another, or else it'll probably never work. Spend time getting to know each other and becoming friends, while still maintaining a healthy respect for the other's space. And just keep in mind that you're ultimately working toward the same goal, right? Making the dominant happy.

 

[Keeper_of_Fi]

I will echo what BiBunny said.

Most of you know Fi and Malin but I very rarely read or post here but MyInnerSlut's post fits exactly into my own situation as well.

I actually new Malin before I knew Fi, and to be honest, we did not get along much at all, as far as we knew anyway. But that was because we had never actually talked to each other without dealing with a third party before. Once Fi and I started talking and building our relationship, and after being grilled by Malin , I took the time to start finding out what interests we shared and finding things we could talk about.

1 1/2 years later now I feel no awkwardness around Malin, I feel comfortable sending him messages and talking about various things, hobbies, jokes, etc., and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way.

Talk, be friendly, be contentious of thier space, and you'll be just fine

 

[EmpressFi]

I will echo what BiBunny said.

Most of you know Fi and Malin but I very rarely read or post here but MyInnerSlut's post fits exactly into my own situation as well.

I actually new Malin before I knew Fi, and to be honest, we did not get along much at all, as far as we knew anyway. But that was because we had never actually talked to each other without dealing with a third party before. Once Fi and I started talking and building our relationship, and after being grilled by Malin , I took the time to start finding out what interests we shared and finding things we could talk about.

1 1/2 years later now I feel no awkwardness around Malin, I feel comfortable sending him messages and talking about various things, hobbies, jokes, etc., and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way.

Talk, be friendly, be contentious of thier space, and you'll be just fine

seeeee toldjya he existed...

 

[minx1]

seeeee toldjya he existed...

*laugh* I know the feeling Fi!

Nice to meet you keeper of Fi, btw.

 

[BiBunny]

Bumpity. I'm about to head to class, but I want to re-read through this thread later and see if anyone else has anything to add later. I this thing.