Polyamory

[Homburg]

*nods in agreement*

This is yet another example of why I always read what seri posts.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm neither poly nor M/s, but my relationship with my child, and ultimately, children, is pretty different than a romantic relationship!

 

[EmpressFi]

I'm neither poly nor M/s, but my relationship with my child, and ultimately, children, is pretty different than a romantic relationship!

I dont think anyone is trying to say it's the same. However I think that the point being made is that, just as you have equal love for each child and can express that love without making the other feel slighted or neglected, is the same ability those of us who ARE in a poly relationship have when loving more than one person.

 

[nh23]

Thank You Seri for that amazing post! It's a wonderful and very informative contribution to this thread.

 

[nh23]

I dont think anyone is trying to say it's the same. However I think that the point being made is that, just as you have equal love for each child and can express that love without making the other feel slighted or neglected, is the same ability those of us who ARE in a poly relationship have when loving more than one person.

Exactly

 

[serijules]

I'm neither poly nor M/s, but my relationship with my child, and ultimately, children, is pretty different than a romantic relationship!

Yes, but is the love you have for them any less because there is (or will be or may be) more of them?

That is the analogy I was making. Nothing more.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm absolutely willing to believe that some people are wired for poly, and able to have many loves simultaneously.

However, with all due respect, I think that there is something very different required than there is with the ability to love many children, or love many friends, for example. It's a different part of your brain, your "wiring."

Or maybe it's just that I don't want us to lose sight of the fact that relationships are so complex. Let's not forget that parents often worry, will I be able to love the second one as much as this one? And there are so many complicated dynamics with multiple kids - comparisons, position in the family etc. I'm just saying, let's not think (NOT that you were saying this, seri, but I think some may make that leap) you love all of your kids, right? Sure, easy peasy. Well then see? Poly is possible too.

All important relationships involve so much work, as we all know. Add in the potential for jealousy, the sexual dynamics, romantic love - it's a tall order to maintain multiple romantic relationships. And hell, you have to try and make it work with your kids. That a choice you can't really take back.

 

[serijules]

The thing about analogies is they are not dead on comparisons...I'm not saying poly love is exactly like the multiple love ability of parents. I'm saying there are similarities, and in examining those similarities, those of you out there that just don't understand may grow a bit in that understanding.

The same issues you stated that are complexities in parenting...comparisons, position in the family etc, exist in poly love relationships too. This doesn't mean anyone who has the ability to love more than one child has the desire or ability to love more than one partner. I'm simply saying that just like it is possible in parenting (despite the doubts which, btw, also exist in poly love), for some it is natural for them to love more than one partner as well. It comes naturally, almost instinctively. How can anyone doubt this or question it when they have never lived it?

Sure, they are separate and distinct things....yet both parenting and poly have one huge thing in common. Love. Love is universal...almost any kind of love has similarities. By overwhelming evidence from those who live it and embrace it, poly relationships have a lot of similarities to the love parents have for their children in the sense that the ability to love multiply is a natural, desireable thing. I'm not saying parents are "wired" for poly. Heck, being poly doens't mean you are "wired" to be parents either. I'm saying the ability for multiple love is not as unnatural as many people tend to believe.

The whole "wired" thing kind of baffles me. I don't think I'm wired for anything. I am just in a poly situation and I make it work, despite the hardships, the doubts, the confusion at times. Where there is a will, there is a way. That's how poly works for me.

 

[Etoile]

The whole "wired" thing kind of baffles me. I don't think I'm wired for anything. I am just in a poly situation and I make it work, despite the hardships, the doubts, the confusion at times. Where there is a will, there is a way. That's how poly works for me.

Me too...what she said!

 

[intothewoods]

I think there are two different perspectives- the poly sucks and is unnatural perspective, and the if it works for you and yours, good on ya perspective. I'm in the latter. I'm not poly, but I some of my best friends are poly! ba dum dum. I see poly situations working in my life, and I "get it."

It comes naturally, almost instinctively. How can anyone doubt this or question it when they have never lived it?

Not I, said the fly. I completely believe that it feels natural, and instinctive.

By overwhelming evidence from those who live it and embrace it, poly relationships have a lot of similarities to the love parents have for their children in the sense that the ability to love multiply is a natural, desireable thing.

To me, it seems like it would be more similar to deep friendships. I have many friends that I love, and none takes away from the other. It also takes work to maintain these friendships, etc.

My child is not my equal - I mean, it's not a partnership. Of course, if you're in a M/s situation, as you are, seri, the same could be said. And perhaps that's why the statement is troubling to me, since I choose a partnership in my romantic relationships. I don't see my relationship with my child the same way at all. I'm the leader; I'm in charge; I set the rules, etc.

Ah, yep, that was what was troubling me.

 

[nh23]

I think there are two different perspectives- the poly sucks and is unnatural perspective, and the if it works for you and yours, good on ya perspective. I'm in the latter. I'm not poly, but I some of my best friends are poly! ba dum dum. I see poly situations working in my life, and I "get it."



Not I, said the fly. I completely believe that it feels natural, and instinctive.



To me, it seems like it would be more similar to deep friendships. I have many friends that I love, and none takes away from the other. It also takes work to maintain these friendships, etc.

My child is not my equal - I mean, it's not a partnership. Of course, if you're in a M/s situation, as you are, seri, the same could be said. And perhaps that's why the statement is troubling to me, since I choose a partnership in my romantic relationships. I don't see my relationship with my child the same way at all. I'm the leader; I'm in charge; I set the rules, etc.

Ah, yep, that was what was troubling me.

That's a good example to use also. The love you feel for your many friends. *shrugs* Either example shows the same thing. The heart is capable of loving more than one person. The heart expands as people are added into our lives.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

All I can say, Seri, is WOW *bows to you for your most eloquent post*

 

[serijules]

To me, it seems like it would be more similar to deep friendships. I have many friends that I love, and none takes away from the other. It also takes work to maintain these friendships, etc.

I have a lot of good, deep lasting friendships, but there are not nearly the complexities in those relationships as there are in my friendships. Jealousy, time issues, security, and attention needs are not the same, if they even exist at all. Thus why I chose the parental analogy.

My child is not my equal - I mean, it's not a partnership. Of course, if you're in a M/s situation, as you are, seri, the same could be said. And perhaps that's why the statement is troubling to me, since I choose a partnership in my romantic relationships. I don't see my relationship with my child the same way at all. I'm the leader; I'm in charge; I set the rules, etc.

Ah, yep, that was what was troubling me.

I speak what I live, so yes, there is not much equality in my relationship beyound the fact that we are both equally creative, loving, special people. Our dynamic of interaction is not equal though. I think you are too close to the situation in the sense that you are a parent and the analogy bothers you for that reason....understandable.

 

[intothewoods]

I have a lot of good, deep lasting friendships, but there are not nearly the complexities in those relationships as there are in my friendships. Jealousy, time issues, security, and attention needs are not the same, if they even exist at all. Thus why I chose the parental analogy.

Some of those issues come up for me in friendships. It just depends.

I speak what I live, so yes, there is not much equality in my relationship beyound the fact that we are both equally creative, loving, special people. Our dynamic of interaction is not equal though. I think you are too close to the situation in the sense that you are a parent and the analogy bothers you for that reason....understandable.

I am a parent, and the anology does bother me, in part, for that reason. I just see the two type of relationships as apples and oranges. Does a parent have the capacity to love all of his children simultaneously? Yes. In the same vein, does a poly person have the capacity to love multiple romantic partners? Yes. We agree on that. Beyond that, I'm not so sure.

 

[JMohegan]

I am a parent, and the anology does bother me, in part, for that reason. I just see the two type of relationships as apples and oranges. Does a parent have the capacity to love all of his children simultaneously? Yes. In the same vein, does a poly person have the capacity to love multiple romantic partners? Yes. We agree on that. Beyond that, I'm not so sure.

One big difference relates to the capacity for choice on the part of the one doing the sharing.

A child has no choice but to share his/her parents with pre-existing and/or future siblings.

In contrast, a submissive does have that choice, and the ability to walk if the sharing becomes untenable to him/her.

 

[nh23]

As I said from the OP I would like this thread to be here for those who are new to poly to ask questions and find knowledge. And for those of us who have been poly for a minute to have a place to share our knowledge, and learn. I would like to bring up another topic for discussion. For those posters who are established in a poly relationship. What was the biggest challenge for you in the beginning and what have you done to overcome it?

 

[Curvybeauty]

This was a very interesting thread. Thanks for the insight. My husband and I just opened our relationship and it's helpful to know that others are doing it as well(and it's working out good).

 

[nh23]

This was a very interesting thread. Thanks for the insight. My husband and I just opened our relationship and it's helpful to know that others are doing it as well(and it's working out good).

Welcome to Lit and our thread! I hope you continue to find insight here, and if you have any questions feel free to ask!

 

[Etoile]

The biggest challenge for me has been jealousy, all along. I have only overcome it part way. I think the real issue is lack of self-esteem. I just don't believe that I could be good enough to be "kept" with them, that they would be so much better off with just each other, and me out of the picture. But that manifests as being jealous...I'm always jealous that they'll be closer to each other than to me, etc. Jealousy is definitely the biggest challenge for me.

But I HAVE overcome it, to some extent. I'm no longer a crying wreck when my wife goes to visit C. for the weekend. I can even leave the house and do fun things now! I don't mind their time together as much anymore, but I still worry about having a place in the relationship, so it's not completely resolved.

I probably have more to say on challenges, but that's it for jealousy...for now!

 

[nh23]

Thank You so much Etoile for your post. I'm glad to hear that you're overcoming it. I wish you the best. We are all here if you need an ear to listen.

 

[BiBunny]

This is going to sound callous, but the biggest challenge for me was (and still is) finding compatible partners. I've never had this really big crisis of faith about any aspect of my sexuality (the bi part, the kinky switch part, the poly part, any of it), though I understand that a lot of people do.

 

[serijules]

Does a parent have the capacity to love all of his children simultaneously? Yes. In the same vein, does a poly person have the capacity to love multiple romantic partners? Yes. We agree on that. Beyond that, I'm not so sure.

Since that was the only analogy I was making, I'm not quite sure where your issue is, but it's fine.

The same types of issues come up in nearly ANY kind of relationship, parental or friendship or romantic or otherwise. That's why they are called relationships...they all share some of the same complexities, just as they all have some that are unique. Parental relationships have many unique ones, just as poly romances/interactions do. Is it really so hard to admit that they also SHARE some?

Rhetorical question.

 

[serijules]

The biggest challenge for me has been jealousy, all along. I have only overcome it part way. I think the real issue is lack of self-esteem. I just don't believe that I could be good enough to be "kept" with them, that they would be so much better off with just each other, and me out of the picture. But that manifests as being jealous...I'm always jealous that they'll be closer to each other than to me, etc. Jealousy is definitely the biggest challenge for me.

But I HAVE overcome it, to some extent. I'm no longer a crying wreck when my wife goes to visit C. for the weekend. I can even leave the house and do fun things now! I don't mind their time together as much anymore, but I still worry about having a place in the relationship, so it's not completely resolved.

I probably have more to say on challenges, but that's it for jealousy...for now!

I'm with etoile on this one...jealousy was and still is hard for me. I get pretty pissy when people claim there is no room for jealousy in a poly relationship. To say that is to ask a partner to not be human and have human reactions and feelings.

It's not the fact you are hurt that counts, but only how do you take it. My motto in life, my motto in my relationships.

Self esteem as well. It took years for me to really see and understand Ma'ams capacity for multiple, unique and separate love was truly possible. I had my doubts too, especially since I myself am not necessarily poly. So I DO understand the doubts many have, I've just grown to a place of better understanding and acceptance due to living it and seeing it work for 4 solid years. Ma'am just celebrated 10 years with one of her subs, and 6 I think it was with another. We are coming up on 4. Time doesn't lie

Another challenge for me is accepting new people and not getting into a hissy that they are there to "replace" me. When Ma'am hired a maid, I was so terrified that she was going to replace me, as she gets to see Ma'am much more than I do and can do things for Ma'am that I cannot. Having met her and seeing what a huge asset she is in Ma'ams life, I love her to pieces now. She is a joy to be around, and it's wonderful to know Ma'ams life is easier for her invaluable help. She brings something to the relationship that is beneficial to all, and I adore her for that. So I have overcome that challenge, but it took time.

I still have issues when we are together and Ma'ams other sub C, spends a lot of time with us. I love C like a sister, but sometimes I don't like her very much. It's kind of like a classic sibling love, really, lol. I'm sure she feels the same for me. We get along well and all, but Ma'am has a very special connection with her that I don't, and sometimes that is very hard for me to see. However, on the flip side, our M/s interactions must be hard for C to see, knowing she doesn't give Ma'am that...but she handles it with grace. I try hard to emulate her in that regard, and have made great strides in that.

It IS ok to "fall off the wagon" regarding these issues, as long as you make the effort to get right back on it.

I have also learned over the years to narrow my focus. In the beginning, I was so concerned with what the others were doing, what Ma'am did with them, what they offered, etc etc. This is very damaging to OUR relationship. My relationship with Ma'am is unique and special and she gets just as much joy out of it, or else she wouldn't waste her time and energy and love in it.

It is beyound disrespectful of me to allow my focus to be on the others when they have nothing to do with me and no impact on OUR relationship, save for time issues, and time issues are something that Ma'ams kids and work and family as well as my own carry an impact as well. So I have overcome that challenge by re-examining my focus and really seeing how when I let go of all that worry, our own relationship is SO SO much stronger and happier and rewarding.

 

[HottieMama]

For reasons i am not comfortable sharing in public, this has been a great thread to read.

Thank you, nh for starting it.

 

[nh23]

I agree Seri. I made sure to put jealousy in my first posts of this thread. It's a human emotion and it happens. It's not really a bad thing if it's dealt with right. I think insecure feelings are the same way. To see my husband with someone prettier than me, or thinner, etc..It can get to you. What I always remind myself (and so does he) is that I'm the one he will always come home to. I am the woman who wears his wedding ring on my finger. I will always be his number 1. That puts it in perspective for me.

It's a little bit different for me as I am not in a M/s, or D/s relationship with my husband. I am in a D/s relationship with my Dom. My husband and I also both have the right to see others. But, when it comes down to it..the core issues are pretty much the same for everyone.