Poly + LDR = our crazy whirlwind

[Homburg]

Just wanted to add my congratulations to all three of you! I won't chime in on poly and LDR at the moment. I've not got a lot of time. And it's currently not a situation I'm in. My Dom is actually very close to me at the moment and I get to see him and my husband both on a daily basis. I did do poly and LDR for a few years so I have some thoughts...but I'll have to post at a later date.

P.S. Homburg. Left you an offline on yahoo..I'm still alive..lol

Congrats Hommy, Vi, and MIS! Sounds like you have a challenging and rewarding voyage head of you. I wish you all the best. I promised to visit at some point and I will.

Thank you to both of you!

*hugs*

 

[myinnerslut]

enter the LDR part of the thread. though we are physically apart so much of the time, we usually stay in contact with nightly phone and IM conversations. the only times these dont happen is when hombug is up visiting me, or when he and viv go away and are out of computer range. times like that really intensify the distance.

this weekend is one of those times. homburg and viv are in atlanta for the lit-together. we flirted with the idea of me flying down to join them but as its the weekend before my finals, i really couldnt get away. its a bit silly to say i miss them already since its only the afternoon of the day they left, but i do. its gonna be a looong weekend.

 

[Caitlynne]

Congratulations to all three of you!

 

[EmpressFi]

enter the LDR part of the thread. though we are physically apart so much of the time, we usually stay in contact with nightly phone and IM conversations. the only times these dont happen is when hombug is up visiting me, or when he and viv go away and are out of computer range. times like that really intensify the distance.

this weekend is one of those times. homburg and viv are in atlanta for the lit-together. we flirted with the idea of me flying down to join them but as its the weekend before my finals, i really couldnt get away. its a bit silly to say i miss them already since its only the afternoon of the day they left, but i do. its gonna be a looong weekend.

I know that feeling well. Thank the gods for the computer age. Most days it's almost like he's sitting there and I just have to nudge and whisper to him because we are in constant IM until we go to bed.

But lately, with trying to get the house sold and like tonight, we took our nephews to see IronMan and tomorrow night our friend is coming in overnight and Sunday Malin's girlfriend is coming over for a bit... that doesnt leave me with a lot of computer time.

I dont know about the others... but these are the times that the little voices that doubt if we can do this, that wonder if he's happy, that wonder if he's not going to be settling for me instead of someone he can marry, are the loudest.

 

[Caitlynne]

This is known in the poly community as NRE, or New Relationship Energy. Some people feel it's necessary to maintain a level of this in their lives at all times.

I remembered a passage from a book I read a long time ago that is relevant to this Etoile. I'm not sure it applies to the thread topic, but it does apply to what some call NRE and how some people get stuck in it.

It has been my observation that some people do tend to get stuck in the NRE, or want to return to it. Sometimes thinking that once the newness has worn off that the relationship has gone stale or is over.

I recalled a chapter in the book "Bridge Across Forever" by Richard Bach that expressed it perfectly for me. It is an autobiographical account of how he met, fell in love, and married his wife [Leslie Parish]. There was a section where his soon to be wife, Leslie Parish, talked about Richard's inability to move beyond the "excitement of first meeting and courting". She likened it to a sonata,

Here is the excerpt [She is talking to him here]:

"The most commonly used form for large classical works is sonata form. It is the basis of almost all symphonies and concertos. It consists of three main sections: the exposition or opening, in which little ideas, themes, bits and pieces are set forth and introduced to each other; the development, in which these tiny ideas and motifs are explored to their fullest, expanded, often go from major (happy) to minor (unhappy) and back again, and are developed and woven together in greater depth; and recapitulation, in which there is a restatement, a glorious expression of the full, rich maturity to which the tiny ideas have grown through the development process.

How does this apply to us, you may ask, if you haven't already guessed.

I see us in a never ending opening. At first, it was the real thing, and sheer delight. It is the part of a relationship in which you are at your best: fun, charming, excited, exciting, interesting, interested. It is a time when you're most comfortable and most loveable because you do no feel the need to mobilize your defenses, so your partner gets to cuddle a warm human being instead of a giant cactus. It is a time of delight for both, and it's no wonder you like openings so much you strive to make your life a series of them.

But beginnings cannot be prolonged endlessly; they cannot simply state and restate and restate themselves. They must move on and develop – or die of boredom. Not so, you say. You must get away, have changes, other people, other places so you can come back to a relationship as if it were new, and have constant new beginnings.

We moved on to a protracted series of reopenings. Some were caused by business separations that were necessary, but unnecessarily harsh and severe for two so close as we. Some were manufactured by you in order to provide still more opportunities to return to the newness so desired.

Obviously, the development section is anathema to you. For it is where you may discover that all you have is a collection of severely limited ideas that won't work no matter how much creativity you bring to them or – even worse for you – that you may have the makings of something glorious, a symphony, in which case there is work to be done; depths must be plumbed, and separate entities carefully woven together, the better to glorify themselves and each other. I suppose it is analogous to the moment in writing when a book idea must be/cannot be run from.

We have undoubtedly gone further that you ever intended to go. And we have stopped far short of what I saw as our next logical and lovely steps. I have seen development with you continually arrested, and have come to believe that we will never make more than sporadic attempts at all our learning potential, our amazing similarities of interest, no matter how many years we have together. So the growth we prize so highly and know is possible becomes impossible.

We have both had a vision of something wonderful that awaits us. Yet we cannot get there from here. I am faced with a solid wall of defenses and you have the need to build more and still more. I long for the richness and fullness of further development, and you will search for ways to avoid it as long as we're together. Both of us are frustrated; you unable to go back, I unable to go forward, in a constant state of struggle, with clouds and dark shadows over the limited time you allow us.

To feel your constant resistance to me, to the growth of this something wonderful, as if I and it were something horrible – to experience the various forms the resistance takes, some of them cruel – often causes me pain on one level or another."

- Chapter 30

As to my advice to the happy triad... Enjoy the NRE to the fullest, and then move into the development phase with the same passion and sense of adventure. If you do, you'll find fulfillment.

 

[rida]

When I slept alone I *longed* to sleep with someone.

When I sleep with someone I *long* to sleep alone sometimes.

The only thing I miss sometimes from before M is my solitude.
It's an ok tradeoff, but I *do* miss it.

I often say that what I dreaded when single is what I miss now that I am married ... LOL

 

[rida]

I remembered a passage from a book I read a long time ago that is relevant to this Etoile. I'm not sure it applies to the thread topic, but it does apply to what some call NRE and how some people get stuck in it.

It has been my observation that some people do tend to get stuck in the NRE, or want to return to it. Sometimes thinking that once the newness has worn off that the relationship has gone stale or is over.

I recalled a chapter in the book "Bridge Across Forever" by Richard Bach that expressed it perfectly for me. It is an autobiographical account of how he met, fell in love, and married his wife [Leslie Parish]. There was a section where his soon to be wife, Leslie Parish, talked about Richard's inability to move beyond the "excitement of first meeting and courting". She likened it to a sonata,

Here is the excerpt [She is talking to him here]:

As to my advice to the happy triad... Enjoy the NRE to the fullest, and then move into the development phase with the same passion and sense of adventure. If you do, you'll find fulfillment.

Good quote, Caitlynne!
(and a favorite book of mine if I might add ... with a lot of good advises for relationships).

 

[intothewoods]

We're not in an LDR, but we don't see each other when I have my kid. We'll IM at night before bed, but during the day if I'm out and about with kidlet or doing something else and I just have to tell him something, or vice versa, I just send him a text message. It doesn't seem like a big deal, and I guess that's because I know we'll see each other in a few days. One of the problems with an LDR is that, in some ways, you are perpetually in the early stages of a relationship. There is heightened intensity, and ups and downs, just because of the distance.

 

[myinnerslut]

i realized why i was having such a hard time with the trip to atlanta. it wasnt that they were farther away, cuase honestly, whats the difference between nine hours and 14 hours? you still cant get in the car and just drive over for the night. besides, we talked online last night and on the phone today. it wasnt that different.

it wasnt that viv was there and i wasnt. absolutly not. i am glad she got to go and enjoy it. and ive come to terms with the fact that she is there for the day to day life. its just the way things are. i dont hold that against her in any way.

the reason it was bothering me was becuase this wasnt day to day life. this was an event. a memory making event. and i wasnt upset becuase they were there. i was upset becuase i wasnt. in a situation where something out of the ordinary is happening, its hard to not want to be there by thier sides.

 

[serijules]

the reason it was bothering me was becuase this wasnt day to day life. this was an event. a memory making event. and i wasnt upset becuase they were there. i was upset becuase i wasnt. in a situation where something out of the ordinary is happening, its hard to not want to be there by thier sides.

I know this feeling well. Every July Ma'am and C and C's sub b go to Woodstocks, a camping/BDSM retreat. It's really hard for me not to be there with them because so much play and learning goes on. I feel like I'm not really a real part of the family at those times because everyone is seeing them all together and I'm missing. However, if I went to woodstocks, I wouldn't be able to go for my 2 weeks in Sept and wouldn't get any alone time with Ma'am, which I really need. So I always choose Sept, as I'm not a crowd person and there are a lot of people at Woodstocks.

It's hard when the rest of the family is together and I'm missing.

 

[catalina_francisco]

i realized why i was having such a hard time with the trip to atlanta. it wasnt that they were farther away, cuase honestly, whats the difference between nine hours and 14 hours? you still cant get in the car and just drive over for the night. besides, we talked online last night and on the phone today. it wasnt that different.

it wasnt that viv was there and i wasnt. absolutly not. i am glad she got to go and enjoy it. and ive come to terms with the fact that she is there for the day to day life. its just the way things are. i dont hold that against her in any way.

the reason it was bothering me was becuase this wasnt day to day life. this was an event. a memory making event. and i wasnt upset becuase they were there. i was upset becuase i wasnt. in a situation where something out of the ordinary is happening, its hard to not want to be there by thier sides.

Hope you are feeling better now you have identified where the problem has been for you in this instance. Reality is there are going to be many special moments/events in their lives you will not be there for unless you move into their house 24/7. Even with living there, I would think there would still eb times when you might feel like an outsider or at least not as integral to what is happening simply due to the length of both relationships, the differences between being the one married to the PYL (and all that entails) and the one who gets to share in their lives after coming in on a long established relationship. While you can be included, and you can know their history, I would think it would not be the same as being part of that history from the beginning and knowing it that way. It isn't about better or worse, or right or wrong, but it is something which I see come into a lot of poly relationships set up like this which has to be managed well for all to survive and be happy together.

Catalina

 

[Homburg]

Congratulations to all three of you!

Thank you, Caitlynne

----

i realized why i was having such a hard time with the trip to atlanta. it wasnt that they were farther away, cuase honestly, whats the difference between nine hours and 14 hours? you still cant get in the car and just drive over for the night. besides, we talked online last night and on the phone today. it wasnt that different.

it wasnt that viv was there and i wasnt. absolutly not. i am glad she got to go and enjoy it. and ive come to terms with the fact that she is there for the day to day life. its just the way things are. i dont hold that against her in any way.

the reason it was bothering me was becuase this wasnt day to day life. this was an event. a memory making event. and i wasnt upset becuase they were there. i was upset becuase i wasnt. in a situation where something out of the ordinary is happening, its hard to not want to be there by thier sides.

Wanted you there so very badly, kitten

*hugs*

Fortunately, we will have oppurtunities to make memories very, very soon.

 

[myinnerslut]

as of today, may fifth, the triad has been in effect for one happy month.

happy one month anniversary to us

 

[Homburg]

as of today, may fifth, the triad has been in effect for one happy month.

happy one month anniversary to us

Heh,

 

[Millificent]

as of today, may fifth, the triad has been in effect for one happy month.

happy one month anniversary to us

I'm so glad you're part of our family

 

[EmpressFi]

It amazes me the little things that turn our day..

I posted it on the distance and domination thing. But we booked our next visit today. Should have seen us, over IM picking the best flight to give us the most time together, trying to find the best hotel and the best tickets at the show we're going to on saturday... we've been mailing our itineraries back and forth all day...

where just yesterday, the thought was .. Oh my god.. 7 more weeks...

Today has been.. whew..only 7 weeks to go..

I love Monday nights. Malin is at his girlfriend's overnight and so Master and I have our own date night. Just the two of us.. I put on my collar and whatever else he wants me to wear... and we just hang out together

I love him and miss him so much.. but.. at least now I know..

only 7 weeks to go

 

[ShyVixen]

Many congratulations on the one month anniversary to Homburg, Viv and MIS.


May you have many more happy months and memories to come.

 

[myinnerslut]

Many congratulations on the one month anniversary to Homburg, Viv and MIS.


May you have many more happy months and memories to come.

thank you

i cant wait untill my big visit to see them. i checked the clender and ill be there for three full weeks

 

[Homburg]

It amazes me the little things that turn our day..

I posted it on the distance and domination thing. But we booked our next visit today. Should have seen us, over IM picking the best flight to give us the most time together, trying to find the best hotel and the best tickets at the show we're going to on saturday... we've been mailing our itineraries back and forth all day...

where just yesterday, the thought was .. Oh my god.. 7 more weeks...

Today has been.. whew..only 7 weeks to go..

I know this feeling. Where once it was "I can't believe how long it will be before she's here", now it is "I can't believe how little time we have left to get things set up.

I love Monday nights. Malin is at his girlfriend's overnight and so Master and I have our own date night. Just the two of us.. I put on my collar and whatever else he wants me to wear... and we just hang out together

I love him and miss him so much.. but.. at least now I know..

only 7 weeks to go

*hugs* to Fi. I'm happy for you, darlin.

 

[Guest]

Feeling lonely. I miss the both of them.

 

[myinnerslut]

right now i feel like my life is a giant game of hot potatoe where the whatever-it-is gets passed from one place to another and back, over and over and over again. an endless game where the music never stops, the whatever-it-is keeps getting passed, and everybody trying thier hardest not to drop mid-pass.

at this very moment Homburg is driving back home. which means he, and viv, and i are all alone. this is the only point where all three of us are alone. we have yet to be all together, but that will happen in only eight (hopefully short) days.

on happier news, my piercing was finally deemed healthy enough to be swapped out from the plain barbell it got pierced with to one with clearcrystals that dangles a chain with a small sterling "R" at the end, for his initial. Master has the pictures and im sure will post them when he gets a chance.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

i realized why i was having such a hard time with the trip to atlanta. it wasnt that they were farther away, cuase honestly, whats the difference between nine hours and 14 hours? you still cant get in the car and just drive over for the night. besides, we talked online last night and on the phone today. it wasnt that different.

it wasnt that viv was there and i wasnt. absolutly not. i am glad she got to go and enjoy it. and ive come to terms with the fact that she is there for the day to day life. its just the way things are. i dont hold that against her in any way.

the reason it was bothering me was becuase this wasnt day to day life. this was an event. a memory making event. and i wasnt upset becuase they were there. i was upset becuase i wasnt. in a situation where something out of the ordinary is happening, its hard to not want to be there by thier sides.

This is indeed one of those tricky bits in a triad - one has a strong commitment not just to each individual but also to the dyad - the relationship between them, almost as if that dyad were a person to commit to as well. And that's a different "relationship" than either of the individual connections.

Each of the dyads has to define itself individually, have moments that belong to those two people specifically and so on, and many times it's hard to feel really good about those, not because of jealousy as such but maybe just because those memories are being fun and one of us can't participate. Those are the times when that third commitment, the one we have to the dyad, comes into play.

Sounds like you're thinking in all the right ways about it, and your envy of the good time is perfectly natural. I really like how self-aware and open you're all being. It bodes well for you all, and you're three people who deserve to be happy.

meh. It's wisdom plus luck, in these affairs. You have the former, and I wish you all the latter you need.

xo
bj

 

[Homburg]

right now i feel like my life is a giant game of hot potatoe where the whatever-it-is gets passed from one place to another and back, over and over and over again. an endless game where the music never stops, the whatever-it-is keeps getting passed, and everybody trying thier hardest not to drop mid-pass.

at this very moment Homburg is driving back home. which means he, and viv, and i are all alone. this is the only point where all three of us are alone. we have yet to be all together, but that will happen in only eight (hopefully short) days.

Absolutely, kitten.

on happier news, my piercing was finally deemed healthy enough to be swapped out from the plain barbell it got pierced with to one with clearcrystals that dangles a chain with a small sterling "R" at the end, for his initial. Master has the pictures and im sure will post them when he gets a chance.

I'll post a pic when I get the pics downloaded, edited, etc.

----

This is indeed one of those tricky bits in a triad - one has a strong commitment not just to each individual but also to the dyad - the relationship between them, almost as if that dyad were a person to commit to as well. And that's a different "relationship" than either of the individual connections.

Each of the dyads has to define itself individually, have moments that belong to those two people specifically and so on, and many times it's hard to feel really good about those, not because of jealousy as such but maybe just because those memories are being fun and one of us can't participate. Those are the times when that third commitment, the one we have to the dyad, comes into play.

Sounds like you're thinking in all the right ways about it, and your envy of the good time is perfectly natural. I really like how self-aware and open you're all being. It bodes well for you all, and you're three people who deserve to be happy.

meh. It's wisdom plus luck, in these affairs. You have the former, and I wish you all the latter you need.

xo
bj

Bij, you are awesome. I would make more commentary here but I'm utterly exhausted.

Weekend + drive = dead Homburg

 

[Millificent]

It's so odd to miss someone that you've never met so much.

8 days!!!!

It's going to be horrible when she leaves I can't imagine how much I will miss her once I meet her.

 

[Homburg]

http://i238.photobucket.com/albums/ff83/HomburgHat/illusions/piercing.jpg

MIS' new navel barbell with my initial attached. Both my gals wear my initial now.

I am a happy, happy chap.