Otters are Mean

[Recidiva]

Whenever asked the whimsical question of what animal I'd like to be if I had a choice, I always chose otters, because they seemed so playful and cute.

THEN I find out the brutal fuckers rape to death and drown baby seals.

So...no more whimsical questions for me. *sigh*

Haven't found a replacement animal that doesn't have some sort of closet horror show of a habit that is also cute and intelligent.

I could be a mayfly, because how much trouble could you get into...but it doesn't sound like fun.

 

[yossi]

What about platypuses? They seem like fun and I don't think they rape anything.

 

[Recidiva]

What about platypuses? They seem like fun and I don't think they rape anything.

Do they? I always get what the fuck instead of fun. You'd be introspective about genetic vagaries and furtively stalked by naturalists who want to point out the outlier.

Genetically subversive, but I'm not sure I'm into it.

 

[yossi]

I like the way they waddle.

But, yes, I'm sure they're bothered more than their fair share.

 

[Recidiva]

I like the way they waddle.

But, yes, I'm sure they're bothered more than their fair share.

Granted. The waddle is pretty awesome.

Kinda like a furry crocodile.

 

[Ramone45]

All animals are vicious

 

[Recidiva]

All animals are vicious

At our window feeder I've seen recent aggressive hummingbird behavior.

Maybe a butterfly.

 

[blackleggings]

I'd like to be a baby elephant, but I never want to grow up.

 

[Recidiva]

I'd like to be a baby elephant, but I never want to grow up.

Yeah. Baby animals are adorable. But to never have sex? Can't do it...

 

[trysail]

The race may not always go to the swift nor the battle to the strong— but that's the way to bet.

-Damon Runyon​

 

[Recidiva]

-Damon Runyon​

But seriously, raping baby seals is neither swift nor strong. It's just a dick move. Which you can also bet on, but let's call it what it is.

 

[Phelia]

Hi Reci! I hope the east coast is treating you and the fam-jam well. I have some amazing news for you: I know the perfect animal. The tardigrade:

[T]ardigrades can withstand temperatures from just above absolute zero to well above the boiling point of water, pressures about 6 times stronger than pressures found in the deepest ocean trenches, ionizing radiation at doses hundreds of times higher than would kill a person, and the vacuum of outer space. They can go without food or water for nearly 120 years, drying out to the point where they are 3% or less water, only to rehydrate, forage, and reproduce.

Also known as water bears, they are too teeny to anthropomorphize in any satisfying way, and they are also pretty cute:

 

[Recidiva]

Hi Phelia! Life is most excellent, thank you for asking, and I hope it is the same for you!

Water bears are awesome extremophiles. If that's technically an animal, and I vote it is, that's my new go-to answer. My son and I first saw them on "The Most Extreme" on Animal Planet years ago.

Hopefully they only mildly harass passing life forms by being vaguely smug in their manner.

 

[Phelia]

Hi Phelia! Life is most excellent, thank you for asking, and I hope it is the same for you!

Water bears are awesome extremophiles. If that's technically an animal, and I vote it is, that's my new go-to answer. My son and I first saw them on "The Most Extreme" on Animal Planet years ago.

Hopefully they only mildly harass passing life forms by being vaguely smug in their manner.

Grazie - life is filled with much happiness! I would also be a cuttlefish. In a heartbeat.

I imagine tardigrades to be pretty chill and easy-going. I'm sure they'd make some enemies but it would be unintentional. Like "Hey, do you want to come to my birthday party?? I'm having it in a VOLCANO!" and everyone else is like......seriously? But then they send a gift because they feel obligated and it's all just so ugh.

 

[Recidiva]

Grazie - life is filled with much happiness! I would also be a cuttlefish. In a heartbeat.

I imagine tardigrades to be pretty chill and easy-going. I'm sure they'd make some enemies but it would be unintentional. Like "Hey, do you want to come to my birthday party?? I'm having it in a VOLCANO!" and everyone else is like......seriously? But then they send a gift because they feel obligated and it's all just so ugh.

"I bet my ancestors came here in some sort of cool comet trail. What do you get for the creature that survives everything? Nothing! I just don't need a damned thing. And your ancestors came from...mud? Well...that's nice too."

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I'd like to be a baby elephant, but I never want to grow up.

Crocs eat baby elephants.

 

[glynndah]

Platypus are one of the few venomous mammals. The male has a spike on his hind foot to deliver the venom. The female does not.

 

[Recidiva]

Platypus are one of the few venomous mammals. The male has a spike on his hind foot to deliver the venom. The female does not.

Well, who doesn't want to have venomous spikes?

 

[glynndah]

Well, who doesn't want to have venomous spikes?

Females do not have them. How are you with switching genders?

 

[Recidiva]

Females do not have them. How are you with switching genders?

I'd be okay with it.

As a "Jungle Book" fan I always thought it would be cool to be Bagheera.

 

[glynndah]

I'd be okay with it.

As a "Jungle Book" fan I always thought it would be cool to be Bagheera.

Cool. {to both}

 

[Joeybagadonuts]

Muskox are cool.

 

[Recidiva]

Muskox are cool.

I bet they smell funny.

 

[bronzeage]

Granted. The waddle is pretty awesome.

Kinda like a furry crocodile.

Venomous spurs on the feet. Not recommended for cuddling.

 

[Recidiva]

Venomous spurs on the feet. Not recommended for cuddling.

Always a catch! But if some sweet to me platypus chick got some custom made spur holsters...could be fun. If only we had opposable thumbs!