How did you realize you are polyamorous? Am I polyam?

[Kumquatqueen]

How I ended up being poly:
Single at college, a guy I met asked me to be nice to a friend of his (he'd previously gone out with her) who'd just returned from a year abroad and was lonely. Me and her got together. Then she pushed off for another year abroad. Me and him got together. Then she returned, and the answer seemed obvious. She then went away again, and returned in an relationship with a guy, so that was the end of that, but in the meantime I'd got to know a large bisexual network which included lots of poly people.

Most of the crowd settled into couples by their 30s, though with a lot of cuddling and flirting with other friends. A few ended up with three or four in a relationship. And a bunch ended up in couples who each with other partners on the side - like me. It's like having close friends you do other things with, only those things can include sex. I only know a couple cases where a couple include one monogamous and one poly person - both have the mono person with a very time-consuming hobby that's like a relationship.

I might have given up trying to be poly, once I had kids and health issues etc, but I already had the partners and didn't want to dump anyone... In reality, I ended up seeing one person weekly or so, and the one I live with, and any dates with anyone else got further between. Poly is actually great practice for having kids - that shock a lot of monogamous men have, realising they ain't no.1 in their girlfriend's life any more, just didn't happen for us.

Poly can also work if you're into BDSM and do different things with different people. But quite frankly the biggest perk is just not having that angst over what your spouse might be up to. I recall one party we had when we had to figure out who would sleep where after. Eventually we realised everyone could have a comfortable bed, if I was willing to share with the spouse's partner's bloke. It was confirmed he was a perfect gentleman and rarely snored, so I went to bed with him. We chatted a while, got to know each other better, and went to sleep, snuggling a bit because it was cold. We could have had sex, but just weren't really interested! A remarkably fun sleepover, really. My boyfriend painted my nails in the morning, I think.

Been nearly 30 years now - even my mum's stopped calling it a phase...

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

How I ended up being poly:
Single at college, a guy I met asked me to be nice to a friend of his (he'd previously gone out with her) who'd just returned from a year abroad and was lonely. Me and her got together. Then she pushed off for another year abroad. Me and him got together. Then she returned, and the answer seemed obvious. She then went away again, and returned in an relationship with a guy, so that was the end of that, but in the meantime I'd got to know a large bisexual network which included lots of poly people.

Most of the crowd settled into couples by their 30s, though with a lot of cuddling and flirting with other friends. A few ended up with three or four in a relationship. And a bunch ended up in couples who each with other partners on the side - like me. It's like having close friends you do other things with, only those things can include sex. I only know a couple cases where a couple include one monogamous and one poly person - both have the mono person with a very time-consuming hobby that's like a relationship.

I might have given up trying to be poly, once I had kids and health issues etc, but I already had the partners and didn't want to dump anyone... In reality, I ended up seeing one person weekly or so, and the one I live with, and any dates with anyone else got further between. Poly is actually great practice for having kids - that shock a lot of monogamous men have, realising they ain't no.1 in their girlfriend's life any more, just didn't happen for us.

Poly can also work if you're into BDSM and do different things with different people. But quite frankly the biggest perk is just not having that angst over what your spouse might be up to. I recall one party we had when we had to figure out who would sleep where after. Eventually we realised everyone could have a comfortable bed, if I was willing to share with the spouse's partner's bloke. It was confirmed he was a perfect gentleman and rarely snored, so I went to bed with him. We chatted a while, got to know each other better, and went to sleep, snuggling a bit because it was cold. We could have had sex, but just weren't really interested! A remarkably fun sleepover, really. My boyfriend painted my nails in the morning, I think.

Been nearly 30 years now - even my mum's stopped calling it a phase...

Thank you for sharing that. It is so very beautiful. It is what I long for. Close friends to spend time with and also snuggle, flirt, delight in sex. And go out for pizza, play board games, dance, work out with, veg on the couch. Just talk. Hug.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Thank you for sharing that. It is so very beautiful. It is what I long for. Close friends to spend time with and also snuggle, flirt, delight in sex. And go out for pizza, play board games, dance, work out with, veg on the couch. Just talk. Hug.

There are many jokes about the apparent correlation between poly people and board gamers!

Do poly people get into gaming because they happen to have enough people about, or do board gamers become poly because it helps provide enough players? Or is it simply that if you can manage scheduling of various dates, balancing your supplies of indigo vs building town infrastructure, or whatever, seems easy and fun in comparison?

 

[muycurioso]

shoot, I cannot find even one, let alone many

 

[MaturemanAJ]

Poly to me is something that is a long term relationship in a live in situation.
Anything other than that in my mind is just playing with others.
Closet thing I feel I ever came to being in a poly relationship was when wife's besties marriage was on the rocks.
She spent time with us at night and some weekends as her husband worked opposite shift.
Wife and her were not afraid to be even out in public letting people see us as a throuple.
It to me was a love triangle more tgan a poly relationship.

 

[TonyF862]

Poly to me is something that is a long term relationship in a live in situation.
Anything other than that in my mind is just playing with others.
Closet thing I feel I ever came to being in a poly relationship was when wife's besties marriage was on the rocks.
She spent time with us at night and some weekends as her husband worked opposite shift.
Wife and her were not afraid to be even out in public letting people see us as a throuple.
It to me was a love triangle more tgan a poly relationship.

How was the sex? Did her hubby know?

 

[MaturemanAJ]

How was the sex? Did her hubby know?

They were one of the couples we swapped with until their relationship started to go bad.
His drinking had gotten out of hand and he would become violent with her in private.
We were the place to get away from it.
The three of us had fun in and out of bed. She was the one female that unspoken got the green light from my spouse to have a sexual relationship with me without having to ask each time.
She was awesome no matter where you had sex and we did alot of variety in that regard.
Fmf, mff, ff, mf with either with the other watching or sometimes asleep next to us.
I do believe had she not remarried we probably would of been poly.

We have another female friend that some people thing we are a throuple but we are just close, no sex involved.
Flirting oh yes but there is a line we don't cross

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

They were one of the couples we swapped with until their relationship started to go bad.
His drinking had gotten out of hand and he would become violent with her in private.
We were the place to get away from it.
The three of us had fun in and out of bed. She was the one female that unspoken got the green light from my spouse to have a sexual relationship with me without having to ask each time.
She was awesome no matter where you had sex and we did alot of variety in that regard.
Fmf, mff, ff, mf with either with the other watching or sometimes asleep next to us.
I do believe had she not remarried we probably would of been poly.

We have another female friend that some people thing we are a throuple but we are just close, no sex involved.
Flirting oh yes but there is a line we don't cross

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story here. I appreciate it. I hope your friend is safe from violence now that she has remarried.

 

[MaturemanAJ]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story here. I appreciate it. I hope your friend is safe from violence now that she has remarried.

She is but I am afraid she has fallen for a narcissist. On the outside makes everything look great, on the inside he tracks all her movements by phone and when she goes out he calls her immediately.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

She is but I am afraid she has fallen for a narcissist. On the outside makes everything look great, on the inside he tracks all her movements by phone and when she goes out he calls her immediately.

Oh no. Such people don't change. I do hope she ends up with someone who will treat her with genuine love and respect. At least she has good friends looking out for her.

 

[MaturemanAJ]

Oh no. Such people don't change. I do hope she ends up with someone who will treat her with genuine love and respect. At least she has good friends looking out for her.

She knows where to go if anything happens. You can't pry them away it has to blow up

 

[MaturemanAJ]

Oh no. Such people don't change. I do hope she ends up with someone who will treat her with genuine love and respect. At least she has good friends looking out for her.

May I follow you?

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

May I follow you?

Of course! I would be glad if you did!

 

[MaturemanAJ]

Of course! I would be glad if you did!

Done
If you want to DM I will leave that up to you. If so feel free to reach out

 

[TinaCole]

Never been in a relationship where that was an issue when I was single. I hung out with a lot friends, some intimately other not so much. But when Miss Right came along I was true to her, and had no interest in anyone else. Now that she is gone, I have many interests again.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

Never been in a relationship where that was an issue when I was single. I hung out with a lot friends, some intimately other not so much. But when Miss Right came along I was true to her, and had no interest in anyone else. Now that she is gone, I have many interests again.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Glad you found Miss Right, sorry to hear she is gone. Hope you’re surrounded by caring people.

 

[TinaCole]

Thank you for sharing your experience. Glad you found Miss Right, sorry to hear she is gone. Hope you’re surrounded by caring people.

Thank you kitty...

 

[MaturemanAJ]

I want a poly gf. I will lick her pussy a lot, esp after her dates

There is definitely something about the pussy that makes you want to lay there worshipping it for long periods of time.
Had a woman tell me after several orgasms to stop or I am going to get TMJ lol

 

[dingdongditchding]

moderators: I hope this forum is the right one for polyamorous identity questions. If LitE doesn't consider polyamory to fall under the LGBTQI+ umbrella, where should I post my question? Thank you.

I have recently (this year) started asking myself if I am polyamorous. If you are polyam and take the time to read my musings, do you think I might be polyam?

I would be grateful to anyone willing to share how they came to the realization that they are. If you could touch on these additional questions, it would greatly help me figure out what I am or am not. What does polyamory mean to you? Did you always feel this way? Are you currently in a poly relationship? How is it structured? Are you satisfied with it? [edited for spelling]

---

Ok, here goes. Please be kind. I have only ever discussed polyamory with my life partner, and only just today, one talk. It was very, very good, cathartic, huge weight off my mind, but didn't answer some questions I have about myself.

I think I might be polyamorous but have no personal experience with it. Until this year, I would have said I was definitely monogamous. I find tremendous beauty in having a devoted life partner, and being devoted to him. I love sharing our lives, the joys are greater, the hardships lighter, the shared goals more meaningful. What changed this year is that I have come to see sex with close friends as non-threatening and desirable.

I am finally confident enough in myself and the strength of the bond with my partner that I don't fear sexual play with others. (PLEASE no monogamy bashing. PLEASE no 'poly people are more evolved/confident/secure than monogamous people'.) Sexual play with close friends sounds delightful to me, at least in theory. I have never engaged in it but I'm demisexual so the same traits that make someone a good friend to me also make them sexually desirable. Mostly the men, but I'm Kinsey 1 or 2 so women start to look frikkin hot when I'm very horny.

All the close male friends I have are married (or outside the age range I find sexually desirable). Being good partners to their wives is part of what makes them attractive to me. However, I would *never* say anything to a monogamous couple about my attraction to the man. I fear to ask anyone if they're poly (so I might never know). It can be dangerous, professionally, personally, to say such things where I live. And I'm not close enough friends with any of them to desperately want to *act* on the attraction. Yet the thought of being that close, and expressing affection through sex, is... intriguing? Definitely pleasant.

I have fantasized about polyamory for years before I even knew a word for it. I imagined relationships, emotional bonds, not just sex. Sometimes it was a woman and two men. It wasn't me in the fantasy, as that would have hurt my partner, but it was three people who cared for each other deeply, were together long term (months, years), and greatly enjoyed sexual play together. Sometimes it was more than three. Sometimes it was a committed polycule of life partners who also played with close friends. Sometimes it was an entire cohort of close in age people that all accepted consenting sexual play as an expression of friendship, like a hug (obviously not the society I live in, especially not where I live).

I have finally seen at least one example of a stable, long term, and very loving poly relationship (a friend of mine). I had not been exposed to loving, healthy poly relationships before. I had seen guys claiming to be poly who were looking for disposable hookup partners (not bashing hookups if all parties want it and nobody gets hurt). I had seen people in bad marriages opening up and not fixing them by fucking other people. However, now I realize good poly relationships are possible. And that possibility gives rise to thoughts, to questions, I would not have considered before.

I love my partner and would rather gnaw off my own arm than hurt him. Our marriage has been happy for many years (and still is). It's not that something is missing in the marriage. It's that I think something could maaaaybe be added, to our friendships, to the way we give to and affirm each other. I won't experiment with willing friends because that would hurt my partner. He enjoys threesome/moresome fantasy but wants monogamy in real life. I also can't experiment with willing friends because I haven't got willing friends for the experiment, or if I do, I have no idea they might be willing. [edited, run on sentence split]

I am fucking delighted by the thought of feeling compersion. The thought of my life partner enjoying a date with a friend, even spending the night with her, and returning to me, feelings for me unchanged, is delightful. When I know close friends enjoy a strong bond with a sexual partner, I am delighted in their sexual joy. When I hear about the sexual joy of strangers with strong emotional bonds to a partner, I feel delight in their sexual joy. Is that compersion? Can you feel compersion for strangers? Is it compersion if none of the people are your partner? I don't know if it's the right word but I know it feels good and not scary. But that's me talking good game without having done it [edit: polyamorous relationship] in real life.

I wonder if real world polyamory would fall short of my happy happy fantasy. I know polyam people can feel jealousy in real life. I know they can feel threatened and insecure. They see those feelings differently, they approach those feelings differently than monogamous people. I fear hurting someone emotionally. I fear leaving emotional scars. I don't think trying polyamory would destroy my marriage but if it ended up being hurtful, it could certainly be a challenge to heal from such hurt. I know my partner definitely has such concerns, and much more so than I do. (That does not make him wrong or insecure or whatever. PLEASE no bashing my partner, he is my rock, my oasis in the desert.)

So all that is to say, am I polyam? Could I possibly know that if I'm in a monogamous relationship? Is polyam a mental wiring, an orientation, rather than a lifestyle? Can someone think they're monogamous most of their life and then turn out to be polyam?

I want to know myself. I don't expect my partner to stop being monogamous. I won't push his boundaries. If he changes his mind later, he changes it, if he doesn't, then he doesn't. I love and want him regardless. I'm staying with him regardless. I just want to know who I am.

You might think, does it matter what you are if you're going to stay in a monogamous relationship? Do you even need a label? How are we supposed to know what you are if you don't? We don't know you. Ok, that's fair. However, I do know I can't not think about it, I can't not ask. I do know I *always* feel better when I find others like me, learn more about others like me, feel accepted, feel I'm not flawed and wrong.

Thank you, thank you so much, to anyone reading, and especially to anyone with a thoughtful reply.

as long as you came home to me (to lick, kiss and suck on) I would be ok with. Maybe bring him too. I am all for a woman being happy. If she just loved me I would be ok with her her fooling around.

 

[dingdongditchding]

I think this is paramount. Every relationship is different but respect for all parties is important.

For us, my partner is my primary relationship. Our girlfriend has been solo poly for some time. She enjoys relationships within boundaries and doesn't want a full-time partner. On a social level we dine out together, go to gigs together and spend most weekends together but she gets to maintain her personal space and independence while my partner and I do the domestic thing.

On an emotional level we're all extremely close.

Sexually we get to visit sex clubs etc as a thruple (yes, makes me took very good!) and at home, we can play as a three, my partner and our girlfriend sometimes go away together for a weekend, and when my partner isn't around myself and girlfriend play. We each get 3 totally different experiences depending on whether there's 2 or 3 of us.

Extending from that, my partner and I are close with (but not poly with) another poly couple; that relationship[ is partly social, mainly sexual, and again they offer us both something that isn't available within the confines of our primary relationship; the male partner is bi, as am I; both female partners find seeing guys play together extremely erotic. The male partner is also very well endowed, which pleases my partner! The female partner enjoys primal play (biting, scratching, animalistic sex) which neither of our partners like.

On a purely sexual level we also swing, and will often play with others.

Life for us is exceptionally good. I could never go back to a vanilla mono relationship again.

There's so much more I could add but I could drone on for hours. Happy to add here or by DM if required.

hot

 

[dingdongditchding]

I want to date a poly, and lick her pussy

 

[dingdongditchding]

Why not share here, then everyone benefits from your experience. Don't fish for PMs.

Some folks feel better sharing one on one

 

[dingdongditchding]

the key is finding people interested in you. me = 0