Orgasms during sex? HOW??

[MadelynneJade]

I am rather sexually active, and was before I met my current lover. I can achieve orgasm through foreplay, or masturbation, but never during sex. Ever. My boyfriend feels bad after sex because I don't orgasm, and he wants to be able to give me as much pleasure as he can. So...how can I orgasm during sex? If anyone would know, it'd be you guys.

 

[pleased2eatyou]

Need a bit more Info please........

You do not orgasm with penitration at all? I would try a few toys to help with the clitoral stimulation, or maybe try a few different possitions. Do you prefer one style verses another? I know that my my SO cumms really hard from doggy, while I'm grasping her ass firmly, or tweeking her nipples....
Does he get you to orgasm orally? I would read Mr. GGG thread on "try this and report back" it will be on this page or page 2. there is some very usefull info on there about getting a woman to climax to her potential! I would love to help just put a bit more on here and you'll be overwhealmed with responses.
Pleased

 

[thejokker]

when your fucking her doggie, is she playing with herself?

Also with my current girl ive found it can be a progression of how comfortable she feels with the guy. Have you ever had an orgasm durning sex? As i mentioned above if you can find a possition you like you can rub your clit while he fucks you and that can help get you close.

The girl im with actually never came with a man around before, only solo. As she opened up more she was more comfortable with me touching her, and now fucking her to her orgasms without her doing anything.

 

[wornoutkeyboard]

I had this problem for a while...

I would suggest changing positions and trying to relax while you are going for the gold, so to speak. If you focus on the prize too much, you ingore your enjoyment of the race.

If all else fails, what about asking him to go down on you after the sex of to finish you off in other ways.

Remember that while the Orgasm is the bonus round, the sex and the intimacy is where all the fun begins.

Best of luck....

~WOK

 

[DuckLover]

Keep in mind that few women orgasm from intercourse alone. True, many women here on Lit do so, but this forum is a specific subset of the population.

For most women, the key to orgasming is stimulation of the clitoris. If you find a position that allows his pelvis (or some other part) to rub your clit, or pull on your inner labia (which connect to the hood of the clit) than you may be able to climax. Similarly, if you can find a position where one of you can rub your clit with a finger, that may do it. If none of those options works, don't worry about it. It doesn't mean either one of you is weird or selfish or anything bad.

In that case, focus on enjoying the feeling of fucking each other purely in its own right. Then afterwards, let him build you to orgasm through whatever method(s) you both enjoy. Make certain that you reassure him that you don't expect him to make you orgasm during intercourse. The male sexual ego can be a fragile thing. If you help him be comfortable fully enjoying himself during intercourse without the pressure of making you climax, he'll likely be even more willing to exert inhuman effort to make you orgasm before AND after, and consequently, you'll both be much happier!

Enjoy!

 

[CelticFrog]

Keep in mind that few women orgasm from intercourse alone. True, many women here on Lit do so, but this forum is a specific subset of the population.

HaHA! You've just hit the nail upon the head, I suppose, Duck. Maybe, more of the population should visit the Lit boards (specifically this one, I'm sure) and they would BECOME orgasmic during penetration. Granted, I think it would take a good bit of work (I'm still in training myself), but maybe, just maybe, Lit and the information within is somehow a magic pill for those of us who have struggled in the past...?
Oooooooo. That's enough to make me do a little happy dance in spite of the ouchyness in my back.

Ang

 

[warrior queen]

i very rarely come from missionary sex, but i almost always orgasm from doggy or spooning - anything from behind

TT's cock seems to hit the 'spot' that way.

and i always orgasm from anal - every single time.

 

[MadelynneJade]

Hey, guys, thanks. With doggy style, we could never really keep his penis in, it always seems to slip out...maybe I'm too wet or something. But maybe we'll try to spooning thing. I heard that the G spot is toward the front anyway. But Missionary is usually what gets me really hot, I love feeling his body on mine, and him thrusting in. BUT...yeah, his sexual ego seems a bit fragile, so I always reassure him that I want to please HIM. But he wants to please me, and I know he reads these boards, so I wanted to see if there's any way to bring me to have an orgasm. Not just for me, but for him also.
Also, with the doggystyle thing, I'm much more petite than he is, and he's...well, let's just say God didn't hold back when he made my boyfriend's penis.

 

[Bobmi357]

Having experienced women who can't orgasm via PIV sex and women that can, my own personal preference is to the later rather than the former.

My exwife was one of those women that never orgasmed at all. And perhaps that was part of our problem from the get go.

Wife Version 2.0 was a major upgrade, and she's not only capable of orgasms from PIV, she's multi-orgasmic, much to my intense jealousy.

While others have offered advice on positions and the like, I'd suggest relaxing and just enjoying the sensations. Or having your boyfriend bring you to the brink of an orgasm orally, then finishing up with PIV sex.

BUT...yeah, his sexual ego seems a bit fragile, so I always reassure him that I want to please HIM. But he wants to please me, and I know he reads these boards, so I wanted to see if there's any way to bring me to have an orgasm.

I hate to be the one to tell you this sweetie, but ALL men's egos are fragile. Nothing crushes a male ego quicker than a thoughtless remark made during sex, and nothing boosts a male ego quicker than a woman that is eager and very responsive to his actions.

I've only known two women in my life, my ex and my current wife. And the process of going from one to the other was a major eye opener. With my first wife, NOTHING I did was capable of making her cum. But then I don't think she even knew what an orgasm was. Some of her comments left me wilted and firmly believing I was a shitty lover.

With my second wife, I learned that it wasn't me that had the problem. It was her. And to be honest, it made me angry to think that for 12yrs I carried around the idea that I couldn't please a woman and feeling like shit, for no reason.

If you come away from the session, content, happy and feeling closer to your partner, give him a hug, and whisper a "thank you" in his ear. The boost from those two words will do more wonders for his ego than anything he can do for himself.

 

[warrior queen]

Having experienced women who can't orgasm via PIV sex and women that can, my own personal preference is to the later rather than the former.

My exwife was one of those women that never orgasmed at all. And perhaps that was part of our problem from the get go.

Wife Version 2.0 was a major upgrade, and she's not only capable of orgasms from PIV, she's multi-orgasmic, much to my intense jealousy.

While others have offered advice on positions and the like, I'd suggest relaxing and just enjoying the sensations. Or having your boyfriend bring you to the brink of an orgasm orally, then finishing up with PIV sex.



I hate to be the one to tell you this sweetie, but ALL men's egos are fragile. Nothing crushes a male ego quicker than a thoughtless remark made during sex, and nothing boosts a male ego quicker than a woman that is eager and very responsive to his actions.

I've only known two women in my life, my ex and my current wife. And the process of going from one to the other was a major eye opener. With my first wife, NOTHING I did was capable of making her cum. But then I don't think she even knew what an orgasm was. Some of her comments left me wilted and firmly believing I was a shitty lover.

With my second wife, I learned that it wasn't me that had the problem. It was her. And to be honest, it made me angry to think that for 12yrs I carried around the idea that I couldn't please a woman and feeling like shit, for no reason.

If you come away from the session, content, happy and feeling closer to your partner, give him a hug, and whisper a "thank you" in his ear. The boost from those two words will do more wonders for his ego than anything he can do for himself.

very good post, bobmi.

i had a similar situation, but in reverse.
my first husband couldn't give me an orgasm, no matter what he did.
he labelled me 'frigid', and made me believe it was a problem within me.
but after i left him, and started having sex with other men, i found i didn't have a problem after all!
it was him the whole time.
boy, was i ever furious!

now, i'm with a guy who loves me, has taken the time to get to know every part of me, and because he can read me so well, i tend to orgasm with him during sexual positions that used to do nothing for me.

still have a teensy problem with missionary, but have found to my delight, that the higher i bring up my legs, the more stimulation i'm getting, and the easier it has become to orgasm.

and it definately helps to have been brought right to the brink beforehand, and even have a clitoral orgasm (or 3!) - then it just seems like the slightest touch anywhere is enough to set me off again!

 

[MadelynneJade]

I don't make bad comments. He often leaves me weak kneed from our romps, and I LOVE that. I love having sex with him, he's the only guy who makes me wet as hell!!! I could be on the phone with him, and he'll make me wet. And he's the only guy I can see myself sleeping with, beside, on top, underneath of. I jump at the chance to have sex with him, I enjoy it very much, and I think he knows that, but I think it'd be for him to stop kicking himself in the butt because I didn't orgasm. I tell him he's the only guy I've ever enjoyed sex with (It's true), and he's nearly turned me into a nympho!!!
Ok, so the first thing to do: Increase foreplay...a LOT! Ok, got that.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Do you ever get on top? That's the easist way for me during sex. I can control every movement and get to be in charge! That's always fun. But I rarely had an orgasm from just sex until I met my current lover - and I'm 42. Practice, practice practice......

 

[Bobmi357]

still have a teensy problem with missionary, but have found to my delight, that the higher i bring up my legs, the more stimulation i'm getting, and the easier it has become to orgasm.

Think about it WQ. The higher you bring up your legs in a missionary position, the more you are forcing yourself into nearly the same position as if you were straddling him.

The primary difference is with your legs up high enough, his penetration should be bouncing up against your g spot as he goes in. So get those legs up WQ, and enjoy!

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

that test told me i'm a mutual person
I would say try every position known to man, toys to boot and her confort level definitely cums into play!

 

[DuckLover]

Lots more good ideas showing up here! Try them all... then try them all again just for fun! If you want to try adding a toy, you can buy jelly cock rings with a clitoral stimulator, or add a vibrator to your play. I haven't heard too many people raving about the cock ring, but every woman is different and it may work for you.

Perhaps it would help to add other elements to missionary sex to help push you over the edge. Do you two talk to each other during sex? For some people, dirty talk is a turn-on and that might do it for you. ("Oh baby, feel my big cock slamming into you, plunging deep into your hot, wet cunt...") Or perhaps in your case it's more arousing to hear him whisper sweet nothings. ("You are so beautiful, I love you so much, I love the feel of our bodies together...") How much do you both moan/groan/etc? SG and I both get more excited when we hear the other making noises. When I start groaning and grunting, she climaxes a lot quicker. Some other possibilities:

- your favorite romantic music in the background
- candlelight
- a particular scent (possibly from the candle)
- a blindfold (forcing you to focus more on tactile sensation)
- being restrained, tied up
- oiled/lubed up torsos (makes his body slide on yours more sensuously)

Again, even if these ideas don't make you orgasm, they can be a lot of fun to try out! Enjoy!

 

[Mysty61]

It is pretty much an automatic thing for a man to have an orgasm. Women are much more complicated, so for us it is not automatic. We do get a lot of satisfaction for the closeness, knowledge our lover is being satisfied, and the feeling we are experiencing. Thus, getting to the edge, but no matter how aroused and close we get having an orgasm is not always in the cards (some even say women are not able to have an orgasm for intercourse alone - I am sure this is open for a lot of discussion). So there are a lot of things we can do to help it along just keep expermeting, reading, asking, and talking. For me being on top or standing on floor bent over the bed with him behind me really helps. My best helper is my "bullet" vibrator. It is small, easy to control, can be placed just where I need it, and is just about a guarantee of an orgasm in any position. Explain to you boyfriend this is just how women work. The more you two discuss your sexual feeling, needs, and desires the better it will be for both. Men do seem to all have a big ego when it comes to their sexual abilities, but if you can educate him that it is not him you should have a great sex life that will be satisfying to both of you.

 

[ReadyOne]

BTW, did someone mention alcohol?

Some the best times I'd had was when I had nothing to drink but my lady friend had just enough to give her a relaxing buzz.

Just enough to reduce inhibition and anxiety, not enough to impede performance.

 

[Bobmi357]

It is pretty much an automatic thing for a man to have an orgasm. Women are much more complicated, so for us it is not automatic. We do get a lot of satisfaction for the closeness, knowledge our lover is being satisfied, and the feeling we are experiencing. Thus, getting to the edge, but no matter how aroused and close we get having an orgasm is not always in the cards (some even say women are not able to have an orgasm for intercourse alone - I am sure this is open for a lot of discussion). So there are a lot of things we can do to help it along just keep expermeting, reading, asking, and talking. For me being on top or standing on floor bent over the bed with him behind me really helps. My best helper is my "bullet" vibrator. It is small, easy to control, can be placed just where I need it, and is just about a guarantee of an orgasm in any position. Explain to you boyfriend this is just how women work. The more you two discuss your sexual feeling, needs, and desires the better it will be for both. Men do seem to all have a big ego when it comes to their sexual abilities, but if you can educate him that it is not him you should have a great sex life that will be satisfying to both of you.

I hate to admit this, but reading this post gave me the willies. Yeah it would have been a big ego blow if my wife posted this, but thankfully she didn't.

Forgetting the teenager and early 20's where a lot of boys think a girl is there for the sole purpose of helping him get his rocks off, most guys want their women to come to the bed eagerly knowing they are going to have as much fun as the guy does. If she's doing it just because (a) she's happy to please her guy, and (b) likes the feeling of "closeness", then she's doing it for the wrong reasons in my book. Those feelings won't last forever, and 10 yrs into a relationship those reasons might not be enough to have her want to do it anymore. A surefire way to end a relationship.

While I think toys are fun and useful, I tend to think if a couple can't get each other off without them, there is still some communications missing.

Yes we guys have fragile egos when it comes to sex, but I'd rather learn I'm not satisfying you than learn you've been faking orgasms for the last how-ever-many years. I'd want to know and I'd want to know ways to figure out how to improve upon what I'm doing. Not be told "Oh yeah, we need to use the vibrator also just to help me over the edge". The toys should be an adjunct to the love making, not a necessary integral part in my opinion.

If your partner doesn't please you, then you need to get talking and he/she needs to start experimenting.

This will probably get me flamed. But I think toys aren't and shouldn't be a necessary part of love making, and any person that tells a partner otherwise isn't telling the partner the whole truth.

 

[warrior queen]

Forgetting the teenager and early 20's where a lot of boys think a girl is there for the sole purpose of helping him get his rocks off, most guys want their women to come to the bed eagerly knowing they are going to have as much fun as the guy does. If she's doing it just because (a) she's happy to please her guy, and (b) likes the feeling of "closeness", then she's doing it for the wrong reasons in my book. Those feelings won't last forever, and 10 yrs into a relationship those reasons might not be enough to have her want to do it anymore. A surefire way to end a relationship.

While I think toys are fun and useful, I tend to think if a couple can't get each other off without them, there is still some communications missing.

Yes we guys have fragile egos when it comes to sex, but I'd rather learn I'm not satisfying you than learn you've been faking orgasms for the last how-ever-many years. I'd want to know and I'd want to know ways to figure out how to improve upon what I'm doing. Not be told "Oh yeah, we need to use the vibrator also just to help me over the edge". The toys should be an adjunct to the love making, not a necessary integral part in my opinion.

If your partner doesn't please you, then you need to get talking and he/she needs to start experimenting.

This will probably get me flamed. But I think toys aren't and shouldn't be a necessary part of love making, and any person that tells a partner otherwise isn't telling the partner the whole truth.

there are bits of this post i agree with, but there are also bits i don't agree with.

i agree that women should be coming into the bedroom wanting to have sex, wanting to interact with her partner.
and if she's having sex for any other reason, then the relationship is missing something fundamental.

BUT!
i don't agree that toys should only be seen as something added to sex-play...
they can sometimes be an absolute necessity, especially for women that find it hard to reach orgasm.
picture if you will, a relationship where the woman wants to have sex, desires her partner utterly..... and yet is still absolutely incapable of reaching orgasm.
in this instance, toys become an integral part of their lovemaking, and not just something that's 'nice to have on occasion'.
if that same woman, who adores having sex with her man, cannot reach orgasm during it, and he won't help by using other stimuli to assist her, then that relationship is also fundamentally flawed.

orgasm for women is not just about her attitude or mental acceptance of herself - some women are physically unable to reach orgasm without direct, intense stimulation.
and there's not that many guys who are able to give 30+ minutes of stim without needing a break, which of course destroys the momentum for her anyway.

 

[ReadyOne]

For some reason I'm reminded of the movie Teena Brandon Story when a girl who wants a sex change very badly takes another girl out into the fields for sex, and using a dildo to emulate a boy, carries it off very effectively.

 

[MadelynneJade]

WQ, I feel like you described me perfectly! I absolutely LONG to make love with my boyfriend, and I'm totally into him physically and mentally, and he can really get me hot. I just...I don't have an orgasm, and you're right, since not a whole lot of guys have the stamina to continue for a long long time, it gets difficult for the woman to have an orgasm. BUT, for me, honestly (Contrary to Bobmi), I get pleasure from giving him pleasure. I don't think there's anything wrong with focusing on his sexual pleasure. It gives me pleasure, which, in return, is rewarding to me. I DO enjoy sex with him, very much, however, I personally don't see orgasm as a necessary part of sex. However....it'd be nice to have. That's why I want to know how.

 

[Cycnus]

there are bits of this post i agree with, but there are also bits i don't agree with.

i agree that women should be coming into the bedroom wanting to have sex, wanting to interact with her partner.
and if she's having sex for any other reason, then the relationship is missing something fundamental.

BUT!
i don't agree that toys should only be seen as something added to sex-play...
they can sometimes be an absolute necessity, especially for women that find it hard to reach orgasm.
picture if you will, a relationship where the woman wants to have sex, desires her partner utterly..... and yet is still absolutely incapable of reaching orgasm.
in this instance, toys become an integral part of their lovemaking, and not just something that's 'nice to have on occasion'.
if that same woman, who adores having sex with her man, cannot reach orgasm during it, and he won't help by using other stimuli to assist her, then that relationship is also fundamentally flawed.

orgasm for women is not just about her attitude or mental acceptance of herself - some women are physically unable to reach orgasm without direct, intense stimulation.
and there's not that many guys who are able to give 30+ minutes of stim without needing a break, which of course destroys the momentum for her anyway.

I disagree.

I feel that the whole premise here is slightly misconstrued. And yes, while (to quote Bob) this "may get me flamed" I think you all are succumbing to a common misconception regarding sex, and not just for humans.

Forgoing a long lecture on humans and sex and conception and pleasure and species survival, et cetera ad nauseum.... Humans enjoy sex because, in an evolutionary sense, it greatly aids the chances of mating humans to conceive and therefore continue the species. Men orgasm because they must, in a species-perogative way. Women orgasm because, as humans evolved (or possibly some other primate species in homo sapiens sapiens past, irrelevant here), it can greatly increase the chances of the man's sperm contacting the egg if her uterus "violently" contracts in an orgasm. Note that this is most effectively done while in the missionary position. Per the species perogative, women orgasming is a... nicety... not a necessity.

That having been said - and taking note of my current status as an individual who is (re)married in a committed relationship with two young (and both nursing) children - I think orgasm is nice. For both parties. Toys, while nice, are not, for people lying within the normal parameters of a mentally-and-physically healthy human, absolutely necessary. Those who find that they "absolutely and irrevocably must" use toys probably (I'm gonna get flamed again...) probably have some physical or mental problem(s). What is truly unfortunate is that most people don't realize that there are quite a few ways to fix many of the physical problems which can cause difficulty in orgasming (including for men). Most assume that it's something unfixable and that they just have to use toys.

And Bob, I find that just connecting on a physical level (note again: I have toddlers currently) can be great, with or without the time/energy/motivation/etc. to orgasm at any particular time. And that, what with being a family on the long term, is something that could last for easily over the "10 years" you described. It's something that may be permanent, or may not. It's okay, either way. The sex is just another (yes, it's important, of course! ) way of connecting, of increasing or maintaining the intimacy in our relationship. Another level in a multi-level development.



Cycnus

 

[warrior queen]

sex without orgasm is like is like only having a single square of chocolate - nice, yes, and you wouldn't turn it down, but there's always that little part of you left wanting more.

yes, you can have physical closeness without having sex, and yes, you can have sex without having orgasm, and i'm not denying the fact that there are times in [almost] every womans life when the actual closeness of the sexual union can be enough to satisfy whatever emotional and physical needs she has at the time.

but most women would be lying if they said that was going to be enough forever , that they didn't have a need, a desire, a want, to experience the ultimate in sexual pleasure.

let's face it, we as humans are inherently sexual beings, and the pursuit of our sexuality is a major driving force in our lives.
forget the procreation argument - we have evolved way beyond that in our understanding and acceptance of human sexuality, and the arguement that (quote) "Men orgasm because they must, in a species-perogative way. Women orgasm because, as humans evolved (or possibly some other primate species in homo sapiens sapiens past, irrelevant here), it can greatly increase the chances of the man's sperm contacting the egg if her uterus "violently" contracts in an orgasm." (unquote) - is one that simply does not wash in the modern view.

so, if using toys helps give a woman the equal (or more!) pleasure from having sex, why should they be viewed as anything other than necessary?
your post almost equates the use of any part of the body, apart from penis to vagina, as an 'extra'!
should we include hands and mouths in our limit of what is classed as 'necessary for procreative sex'?
after all, in an evolutionary sense, they aren't really required.

 

[Cycnus]

The modern view is where we get the research that gains us the insights regarding the initial and most urgent purpose of sex (ie, that of procreation). If we forget that, you just as well may tell my hubby that he hasn't always been incredibly turned on by just the thought of such things as getting me pregnant, seeing me pregnant, imagining having another child by him.... The procreative urge is incredibly strong, and not just in humans.

Of course we want more, to reach that peak, that ultimate satifaction of an orgasm. Besides the fact that it is an urge to complete the procreative act of mating, it is something so great that humans have been attempting to describe and praise it for millenia. I never decried it's appeal. Nor did I decry any human - male or female or mixed - their inherent need to experience this once they hit the hormones of puberty.

Humans are animals, and our societies, our civilizations are driven by our urges, our instincts, both base and not, whether we choose to believe we are "better" or not. I simply believe we are decent, have hope, and that we are different. We most certainly have not evolved beyond much of anything (to the chagrin of many, including me) - but we may aspire to both civilizing ourselves beyond our basest instincts, and learning to work with that which we cannot.

Warrier Queen, even your very name here on Lit. shows that humans today still look to certain basic traits as those commanding respect, romanticism, idealism. To say we are evolved beyond those things is to deny what we each are today. I cannot do that, including when it comes to sex. What else is a forum for, for example, but a verbal sparring ground and avenue of communication?

But I digress. For humans, the most basic level regarding sex is procreation. And it doesn't require much more than male + female. BUT (and this is a huge one) humans also use foreplay, toys, stories (hey, what is Lit here for?), voice, culture, society, challenge, and many other things to lead us to sex. One could limit oneself to such humerous stories such as the movie Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human but the reality is so much broader than that - it would be a waste to limit oneself so.

Toys are fine. Nothing wrong with them at all, I've used 'em myself. Many of us here on Lit have done so. But not necessary for the strongest and most basic procreative uses of sex.

As I've said, toys are fine. I've never criticized them, or their use. I just want people to be aware that in many, many cases where people are probably turning to toys to fix their inability to orgasm, it could be a physical or mental problem at the root. In many of those cases (assuming the insurance or other financial ability), these people deserve to know that while toys are substantial in improving their sexplay, there may actually be a fix, a physical or mental therapy, a surgery or treatment (physical or chemical) out there that would make toys the additive they are originally designed to be, not the necessity they seem to be. I've known men who could not orgasm during sex. They had to learn to adjust to the difference in physical sensations (being in a woman rather than via hand), or found they had been holding back in trust and physical intimacy because they were not as in love or had previously been burned via intimate relationships. The same is true for women I've known (not biblically, I'm straight), who could not get there until they trusted the man enough emotionally to be intimate with him that way, or who had only had orgasms via masturbation.

I myself am able to handle and understand and predict and work my sexual side much better the more I've learned about what, where, when, why human sexuality works. I expect that this is a common reaction for many people.

I find myself confused as to why you are so stridently defensive of the ideas that a) a certain segment of women simply cannot ever orgasm unless it is with a toy and b) that if someone disagrees with you (even with scientific basis) that you immediately assume they think toys are bad/evil/etc. I am sorry if I seem to have offended you; that was not my purpose. I just think that people deserve to know that there are choices.




Cycnus

[size=.75]PS - I am allergic to chocolate, so it would be an automatic offense to offer it to me. But, really, that was a great analogy, for those who aren't allergic to chocolate. You've a way with words when you aren't really upset.[/size]

 

[CWatson]

...I think what people are trying to say is that, ideally, lovers should not need anything except the bodies they were born with to achieve orgasm during sex.

The problem is that nothing is ever ideal.

Thank you, please drive through.