Online relationships- betrayal?

[Cheyenne]

Our local radio station was discussing a recent newspaper article this morning. It seems a psychologist had written about internet relationships. The psychologist said that any married person who had an online relationship with someone their spouse didn't know about was betraying their spouse. No grey area, pure black and white. If you hide the relationship, it is a betrayal.

As the radio team discusssed the topic, they brought up a point about how many RL marriages are disolved after one partner finds a new partner online. They seem to think this is extremely common. What do you think? Do you know anyone who divorced their RL spouse so that they could be with the person they met online?

I don't think it is nearly as common as this radio team seems to think it is.

 

[jass1960]

As the radio team discusssed the topic, they brought up a point about how many RL marriages are disolved after one partner finds a new partner online. They seem to think this is extremely common. What do you think? Do you know anyone who divorced their RL spouse so that they could be with the person they met online?

I don't think it is nearly as common as this radio team seems to think it is.

I don't know anyone this has happened to personally but the newspapers in the UK frequently carry stories about this subject.

 

[WriterDom]

I think it's very common. Not that being online is the catalyst, but it opens up avenues for cheating that weren't available before.

 

[Shylady]

The people I know that have divorced someone and are now with someone they met online, were all in the process of getting divorced anyway.

I will say that even in a committed stable marriage, online relationships form, sometimes before you know what is happening. I know it did to me. I always said I would never harm my marriage with online stuff. Then one day I looked at where I was and it truly shook me up. I had to step back and do alot of changing. There were some unhealthy relationships in my life and I made the choice to work on my marriage and let the online stuff go.

The internet may be fantasy but the emotions involved can be real and people can get over their head very quickly.

 

[Gingersnap]

I think the relationships he spoke of are already in trouble before the spouse goes online. I find it hard to believe that there are all that many folks who leave a happy marriage for the uncertain allure of an online fling. Just a humble opinion.

 

[SilverVeil]

Our local radio station was discussing a recent newspaper article this morning. It seems a psychologist had written about internet relationships. The psychologist said that any married person who had an online relationship with someone their spouse didn't know about was betraying their spouse. No grey area, pure black and white. If you hide the relationship, it is a betrayal.

As the radio team discusssed the topic, they brought up a point about how many RL marriages are disolved after one partner finds a new partner online. They seem to think this is extremely common. What do you think? Do you know anyone who divorced their RL spouse so that they could be with the person they met online?

I don't think it is nearly as common as this radio team seems to think it is.

While it might not be as common as they seem to think ( and this topic is very popular right now in media ) I do believe it is growing more and more common as more people connect to the web every day.

Most people who search for an online relationship is already lacking something in their real life relationship IMHO. Why else would someone be suspectible to going outside the relationship to get something they already have ..... other than those who never seem to have enough to be satisfied that is. There are many people I know who would cheat on a lover/spouse in real life that would not even consider an online relationship. By the same token, there are some people who can not connect to a person face to face for some reason, yet they can communicate so much more over the internet.

I met my current hunny on the internet. ( I was not married nor in a relationship when we met, neither was he. ) But some people can not fathom how I could fall in love with a man I met on the net. I am one of the lucky ones. I found a keeper from the beginning of our relationship.

Most people who are honestly looking for someone to meet, are already lacking something they need in their life. And they can find a wide variety of people with like minded ideas here in the net world. If a marriage breaks up over an online relationship ..... it was already in trouble I believe. ( once again only my opinion )

Funny thing is ..... I tell people I met my hunny in a bar and it is ok with them. Then I say .... " No, really we met on the internet. " and it is like I suddenly grew tits on my forehead.

Some people find an online relationship and hide it, only wanting the attention that someone can give them online. Never seeking to take it any further than online. And when pushed by the online lover, they will break it off and find someone new to fill that need they have.

This is a wide area of range. And these are just my thoughts on the issue.

Yes, if the other person in the real life relationship does not know about the online person, I feel it is dishonest. Reminds me of the old Reba McIntyre song ... " Only In My Mind " A man asks a woman if she has ever cheated on him, and she says " Only in my mind. "

Just because the type is there, and the intent.... it is not the actual deed.
Kind of a gray area for me here ..... I only know how I would feel if I caught my hunny doing something behind my back.

And I know how he would feel if he caught me at it.

 

[Bindii]

A friend of mine left her husband for a man she met online, and yes before she started spending time on the net her marriage was already in trouble. Btw, her relationship with her 0online friend is no more.

I do agree with the psychologist, there is no grey area its all black. If you hide a relationship with someone online then it is betrayal.

 

[princess4u]

i dont know of anyone personally who has left a spouse for an on-line relationship but i'm of the opinion that if someone does, then the void in the marriage was most likely already there - if you are truly happy and fulfilled in your present relationship then you most likely would not permit an on-line relationship to escalate to that degree any more than you would a friendship in real-life ~

 

[JennyOmanHill]

I don't know of anyone personally this has happened to (fortunately Oman and I are single), but I can see how breakups can happen since online relationships can be very intense.

I know if I had a partner I would not have ventured into an online situation without his knowledge, approval and most likely his participation.

 

[Gilly Bean]

I have never known anyone who got a divorce, or broke off a RL relationship for an online one. I know two people specifically who met thier 'loves' on line. In both cases, the man moved the woman out to where he lived. In the case of one set, they have a 2 year old son now, and it has worked out great. In the case of the 2nd one, he moved out a lazy woman who had 2 kids that have nearly been taken from her several times. She has lived there a year and a half, and he is supporting them 100%. She has not gotten a job, is on all sorts of public assistance, and has cheated on him on-line and irl multiple times in the time she has lived with him. Because of her, we are no longer friends, but that's his deal, not mine. I got sick of him shitting on me every time I tried to offer advice. So, in that deal, he has been a sucker, and keeps going back to her, and he keeps getting his heart broken by her.

 

[VanB]

There was a similar thread a short while ago and it seemed to me that most Lit members responding to that didn't think ononline relationship was cheating if their SO was aware of it.

It does seem to be popular in the press to report online relationships breaking up marriages but there have been a couple of points already posted here that, when combined probably form a real picture.

1 A relationship is already in trouble if someone is temprted to cheat with an online lover

2 The Internet is only an addtional channel to find a relationship

I don't believe that it's as common as your radio station suggests but it will become more and more so as more people use online chat and bulletin boards etc.

There is also the flip-side to the coin where people may have had impartial help and support from someone they met online and it helped them to save a marriage/relationship. I wonder if anyone has experienced that.

 

[sabbathstorm]

I think it does happen a lot and it's just becoming more prominent in the media. As other posters have mentioned, when a relationship isn't good in RL, an online one can be an escape and can in some cases lead to more. Personally, I know of two cases of people leaving partners and family for people they've met online. However, the first one didn't live happily ever after as there were other issues that prevented them from being together. The second left behind her teenage daughter because she thought the daughter would interfere with her own new love life.

 

[Cheyenne]

I can see where marriages were already in trouble that this may be more common. I think the tone of the radio show was more that it was normal, every day marriages broken up by the big bad evil internet. That people didn't know what they were getting into and it "just happened" before they knew it.

They talked alot about chat rooms and how married men seem to hit on women, whether single or not. I don't go to chat rooms so I can't say whether that is accurate or not. I do talk to married men from the board though and I don't feel like they are cheating with me, whether their wives know about me or not.

 

[bluespoke]

Our local radio station was discussing a recent newspaper article this morning. It seems a psychologist had written about internet relationships. The psychologist said that any married person who had an online relationship with someone their spouse didn't know about was betraying their spouse. No grey area, pure black and white. If you hide the relationship, it is a betrayal.

As the radio team discusssed the topic, they brought up a point about how many RL marriages are disolved after one partner finds a new partner online. They seem to think this is extremely common. What do you think? Do you know anyone who divorced their RL spouse so that they could be with the person they met online?

I don't think it is nearly as common as this radio team seems to think it is.

Like Jass, I don't know of anyone that this has happened to. I think the press have latched onto internet relationships, having tired of dating agencies.

It depends on your definition of relationship. There are couples on line who have very intense relationships which may or may not lead to something else. There are also couples who have very close intimate friendships.

Take a step back into a R/L situation. If I go out and have sex without my S/O's knowledge then that is betrayal. If, however, I meet friends at a local pub, club and I have a very close friendship with one of them I don't see any betrayal here. The problem might arise when the second scenario develops into the first. Then we have to make a judgement, betray or tell all.

I'd like to think I had the balls to tell all.

 

[alltherage]

Isn't it the fact that the spouse does not know about the online relationship the key to it. I think thats a breach of trust that most people could not handle lightly.

I have not met anyone who had a relationship end due to an online affair but I can understand why it could have that result and I am sure it happens fairly often. The illusion is that it is harmless fun. It is a bit like an alcoholic who after being sober for a while decides to have just one. Often it leads to more than one. I think people slip into online relationships without concern for the impact they will have on their partner, the person on the other end of the IM, or on themselves. They are deluded by the privacy our internet world provides into believing that part of what they are doing is not so very real.

I think there must be others who are in bad marriages who seek some relief from them her on line. I think it is sad that these people stay in the marriage when their hearts have already left.

 

[Aphrodisiac]

What do you think? Do you know anyone who divorced their RL spouse so that they could be with the person they met online?

A friend of mine went thru this sort of situation a while ago. He was having problems with his wife & he soon found someone on the internet who understood or so he explained to me. He did divorce his present wife & he now lives with his "internet " sweet heart. But I think his divorce was due to his age , he got married when he was 18 and when he divorced he was 22. I think he got married to early & for all the wrong reasons. So hence his divorce.

But every one is different ...

 

[lovetoread]

I cannot stay out of this thread.

I am divorcing.

I did find my "love" on the internet.

Neither of them were related.

I was in a unhappy marriage. Pregnant and married by 17,and made to feel as inferior as possible by my soon to be ex. I had decided to divorce him a long time ago.

I did not cheat.

He knew that I was online talking to many people. I never hid what I was doing. He now says that I should have been able to talk to him first,which was the whole problem in a nutshell. I couldnt,and still cannot connect to him in that way.

All that said,had I not met my "love",I am not sure that I wouldnt have buckled under and stayed with him,as he is a very forceful person and has done that to me many times in the past. Often,I had decided that I could not take it anymore,only to have him chip away at me,making feel I couldnt live without him or his help.

My new "love" gave me a reason to be strong. To not give into him. My "love" didnt break up my relationship,didnt make me leave a happy home to run off with a stranger off of the net. My "love" kept me sane and gave me purpose.

There are no black and whites in life.

I would rather be known as the crazy woman who ran off with a phantom internet lover,than the one who couldnt take the pressure any more and went crazy,which was a real possibility.

If my marriage had been strong and right,I would have never found the need to reach out on the net and connect with someone.

I feel like I am the luckiest person in the world to have found my "love" before it was too late.

 

[MrsStacyJ]

When I got married in 1999, I also had several online friends. (Do not read this as cyber friends.) I would discuss every day things with them, some things personal. I thought it was easier to talk to someone I couldn't see rather than someone I could. One of my friends sent me an email one day and my new husband saw it first. I never tried to hide them or keep them secret. There was nothing bad in the email, but we were talking about some stuff I hadn't discussed with hubby yet. He was hurt and confronted me with it. I didn't realize it was hurting him. I let my online friends know that I really appreciated all they had done for me and if I seemed a little distant from now on that I was bringing my problems to my husband now.

I have no desire to hurt him so I don't start anything I wouldn't start in his presence. I don't hide anything from him. So is it cheating? I think it depends on the feelings of the two people involved.

 

[Samuari]

This peice from The Chicago Tribune may shed some light (and possably a little heat as well) on the subject.

http://chicagotribune.com/features/health/chi-0202030323feb03.story?coll=chi-homepageleisure-utl

I'm not sure how ballenced it is,there are some implications that don't ring true from my experance, but it may be helpful.

 

[TigerClaw]

I feel like I am the luckiest person in the world to have found my "love" before it was too late.

Sometimes it is so damn difficult to filter my feelings for LTR and not scream from the highest moutain top of my love for her and the love I feel from her.

She is right there are no black and white views in life. Yes, if you are claiming to be happily married and you have an internet lover and intend on meeting that person it is cheating. What if you are not in a good marrage should you avoid meeting someone online and only meet someone at work, in town or on the street? Think about it!

Before meeting LTR having an online lover did not mean cheating to me if it were only online. I understood it as being just that only online. But since meeting LTR I have no need or want for an online lover. Actually she is my online lover and when we move in together I hope to continue the online romance. Why? It adds a flavor to our relationship that is wonderful.

One note: Why do you think people leave their spouse for someone online? Do you think it is only hot sex? Hell, they are online they can say anything at all. No, it is a connection between 2 people. They found that they match each other.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I used to be in chat before I came here. I know one guy who cybered anything that claimed to be female and would agree to. His wife lived in a different country at the time and they had the biggest difficulty getting her here. Interestingly, he didn't care if the other critter actually was female as long as the persona he cybered was. To him it was nothing more than an interactive fantasy that he got off on. He never left his wife, never met these people, had not interest in doing so. He didn't tell her about it either.

I do know one person who left her husband and took her two kids in the middle of the night while he was sleeping to go to her online lover. She just left a note. There was something missing in that relationship, but it wasn't from him it was from her. She spent a grand total of two weeks with him. That's how long it took him to realize that all she wanted was a man who would take care of her needs, babysit, and not say anything to her when she went out to party or partied online. She's just moved in with her fourth online lover and her divorce has become final, finally.

Out of a random sample of over 100 people that I know well enough online, only one person has actually done it and 'fessed up to such behavior.

 

[Guest]

Whisper Secret (damn I miss her gentle wisdom) once pointed out that she thught that we were all at Lit because we were missing something in our real lives. Some, more than others, but all of us found something here at Lit that filled a void in our lives. I thnk that the same is most likely true for those that find themselves caught up in cyber relationships. There is something missing in real life that can be met here, on the net.

A couple of thoughts along those lines:
First, Love is an act of the will. We decide whom we will love, it doesn't "just happen". The net is a "hot" medium that intenceifies comunication so things appear to happen more quickly and with greater ferousity than in real life.
Second, each couple has their own understanding of where the lines are in the relationship, and when they have crossed that line. I'm not about to judge someone else, I don't know enough.
Finally, it seems to me what ever you do, you should do intentionally, with ballence and forthought as to the potential consequences, and simply slide into a situation, wondering how you got there, and how youu are going to find your way out.

 

[Samuari]

Damn cookies

Whisper Secret (damn I miss her gentle wisdom) once pointed out that she thught that we were all at Lit because we were missing something in our real lives. Some, more than others, but all of us found something here at Lit that filled a void in our lives. I thnk that the same is most likely true for those that find themselves caught up in cyber relationships. There is something missing in real life that can be met here, on the net.

A couple of thoughts along those lines:
First, Love is an act of the will. We decide whom we will love, it doesn't "just happen". The net is a "hot" medium that intenceifies comunication so things appear to happen more quickly and with greater ferousity than in real life.
Second, each couple has their own understanding of where the lines are in the relationship, and when they have crossed that line. I'm not about to judge someone else, I don't know enough.
Finally, it seems to me what ever you do, you should do intentionally, with ballence and forthought as to the potential consequences, and simply slide into a situation, wondering how you got there, and how youu are going to find your way out.

That was me, as you can prolly guess from the spelling.

 

[MysticSwing]

Actually, I know a couple people who are divorced because of online relationships. The wife of a friend of mine left him after 11 years of marriage because she met another man online. And another friend of mine's wife left him because she caught him cheating on her with several different online lovers. (He tried to justify his actions by saying they were "Only" online relationships and that it wan't the same thing as cheating. It didn't matter to her because in her opinion it WAS cheating whether online or in RL.)

I also have a married male friend who is the biggest cyber whore I know! He spends most free time on line in video chats having cybersex. His wife has NO IDEA that he does this. She would freak out if she knew! To her, this would definitely be cheating and probably the end of their marriage.

I know of several situations where trust became a big issue in peoples relationships where a computer and the possibility of sex chats became involved. I'm just glad my husband knows everything I do here at Lit!

~~Mystic

 

[EvilBrat74]

I don't know how common it really is...but I've talked to alot of ppl on the net who have said they have left a spouse because they met someone online.