Once more into the breach...

[Ember_on_ice]

I've written another short story, this one inspired by a most frustrating night out at a bar with some friends.

I would love some constructive feedback, especially with regard to pacing, level of detail, and length.

Here's the link: http://www.literotica.com/s/closing-time-18

Thanks, all!

-E

 

[chocolatecookie3]

I think the pacing was great, but you could break up more of the sentences instead of having "and" or extra clauses in all of them. Long sentences get boring after a while.

I liked the detail of the bodies--it's very sensual--but we have no idea who these people are before they start pawing each other. So maybe some characterization would help. I liked the subtle d/s parts of it, so it's not like they were flat.

No idea what a "quim" is. Great story!

 

[PennLady]

No idea what a "quim" is. Great story!

"Quim" is an old word for vagina. You'd probably find in Victorian-age setting stories.

Or in "The Avengers," when Loki calls Black Widow "a mewling quim." Which enabled them to retain a PG-13 rating.

Just so you have some context.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You have talent, no doubt about it, and remind me of another female writer I like who creates sexual magic with her keyboard. Youre good. And you need to polish, polish, polish.