Once communication dies...

[MasterPhoenix]

Whats left?

 

[the captians wench]

sweetie, I know what you are going thru, and this is something i worried about with you guys. Unfortunitly there is nothing I can say that will ease the pain, nor the worry, or the wonder.

I will say this, if you need to talk, I'm here for ya hun.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Whats left?

Not a lot.

But jumping to conclusions and making assumptions aren't good ideas, either.

I don't know either of you past your posts on the boards, but I hope that there will be explanations that ease your hurt and worry.

 

[ecstaticsub]

It depends on if it is truly died or just asleep. Sometimes real life gets in the way. Communication is extremely important but so is patience. When in love or in a very committed relationship sometimes we must just sit back and be patient and wait. Real love is very rare in this world. Your communication issues may just be taking a nap.

Good luck

 

[Netzach]

It depends on if it is truly died or just asleep. Sometimes real life gets in the way. Communication is extremely important but so is patience. When in love or in a very committed relationship sometimes we must just sit back and be patient and wait. Real love is very rare in this world. Your communication issues may just be taking a nap.

Good luck

Yes. Sometimes it does go to sleep. Sometimes it has to sleep to replenish.

Sometimes the relationship has to change forms or just change with the circumstances. H and I find that online or distance "play" has no real charge, and it's maybe a couple of times a year that we achieve the headspace we want. That doesn't negate my desire to talk to him every couple of days at the least or my desire to get to those calendar highlights when we can play. Closing up the physical distance gap some is a goal, but so is him writing a book and me building a business.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Whats left?

Hang in there and give it mouth to mouth...you know communication is vital and takes 2 so I hope it is back to where you can live with it soon.

Catalina

 

[h_i_s]

To answer the OP question:
We've had our communication fizzle out here at one time or another too. And at one time our relationship was challenged by the miles between us.
Best method we have had for dealing with any breakdown in communication.... deciding that it was worth reviving and having life breathed back into it. This sometimes translates as 'crying uncle', aka 'putting pride aside'.. and determining, and deciding what is important and focusing on it.

Plainly put, we just do our best to decide what is wrong and then make adjustments as best as possible to solve the problem as quikcly as possible in order to move on to a better state of being.


P.S. Hope things turn for the better asap, for you and your's MP.

 

[FurryFury]

Hopefully you can both have faith in each other. When times are tough and communication well neigh impossible or seems that way, I like to remember how and why we got together. If both people are willing and can remember these important things, you can work it out.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Hang in there and give it mouth to mouth...you know communication is vital and takes 2 so I hope it is back to where you can live with it soon.

Catalina

I keep trying...

 

[catalina_francisco]

I keep trying...

Of that I have no doubt as in the past you have always given 110% to try and get things back on track.

Catalina

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Whats left?

*sighs* i wasn't aware that our communication was DEAD. i feel like all of our dirty laundry is getting aired out here on the board and i need to jump in and defend myself because you are so depressed with everything going on, like i'm neglecting you and our relationship for NO reason. when in fact , i am trying my fucking hardest to make everybody happy at the same damn time, and it's not working!! i am so frustrated and exasperated, and confused, and i dont' know how to make EVERYONE in my life that i love with every beat of my heart, happy anymore. i can't do this!! i want to scream! i am working my ass off. i am not trying to be disrespectful or hurt you, that is the last thing in the world i want to do. but this is the second thread where our relationship and all the things wrong have just been thrown out there without my permission. not that i don't understand that you need an avenue, a place to vent. i do understand that and i'm glad everyone here is so caring and you've gotten good advice i guess i'm just on the defensive right now because i feel like everyone is saying "poor MP" without even knowing wtf i'm feeling or what's going on with me.

i don't know. i guess i'm just going to stop this post here and say one more time, i love You!

 

[intothewoods]

I'd be livid if my man posted about our relationship on a message board without some warning to me.

I don't know the whole situation, but you are a single mom, working hard, providing for your kids. Of course you're busy. It's not like you're shopping all day, and that's why you haven't been available, right?

MP, you need to address your depression. I don't know why everyone on this board is so anti-therapy. You need to research a few and find someone really good - therapy works. Sometimes a combination of therapy and meds as well.

I wish you both the best of luck. I really do.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I don't know the whole situation, but you are a single mom, working hard, providing for your kids. Of course you're busy. It's not like you're shopping all day, and that's why you haven't been available, right?

MP, you need to address your depression. I don't know why everyone on this board is so anti-therapy. You need to research a few and find someone really good - therapy works. Sometimes a combination of therapy and meds as well.

I wish you both the best of luck. I really do.

no, of course i'm not just out running around, shopping, having a good 'ole time while he's trying to get ahold of me. and i'll admit there are times we go days without talking. but if we start going more than a day without some type of contact, i do try and call Him to check in and let Him know i'm ok, just been busy. i know it's frustrating, very much so. but i hate that He's jumping to conclusions simply because we have not talked all day or because we don't talk as much as we once did. and every time we do talk, it seems all He wants to do is tell me how worried He's been, and constantly ask me if Him and i are still "ok" i understand needing reassurance, but it just seems like He needs it more than i'm able to give anymore because it doesn't matter what i say, He'll ask me the same question again and again. it's like He's not listening to my answer.....or He doesn't believe me.... *big sigh*

 

[Mazuri]

I'm not trying to put words in anyone's mouth, and perhaps I'm projecting a bit here, but I have also been diagnosed with Depression and one of my main issues is comprehending that I am as important to the ones I love as they tell me I am. When things hit really hard, and you're at your bleakest moments, it's really really tough to accept that things aren't as bad as you're imagining they are. I have been terrified of telling my husband things for fear he'd leave me when his response was a "oh? ok, well, we can do this or this to resolve this then. I love you." I have spent hours crying and harming myself thinking up all sorts of horrible things that were simply not true, though real enough in my own mind, only to discover my fears were totally unfounded. These same fears keep recurring, though, no matter how often I've been reassured otherwise. I know it's frustrating for him, as it's frustrating for me, too!

My husband is currently in a time zone 13 hours ahead of me, changed from 12 hours due to Korea not recognizing daylight savings time changes, which has dropped our hours of communication from a total of 2.5 - 3 hours per day down to about 1 hour per day during the week, and sometimes not even that. I know this is going to be a problem for me, he knows it's going to be a problem for me, and so we're working hard to find ways to minimize that.

Emails are good as they can sit and wait for us to come home to read them. You can always print them off, if you have a printer, and read them when your kids are in bed/on your lunch break. Set up some YOU time on the computer for your own correspondence and ensure your children acknowledge/accept that. Make cd's and mail them to each other so that you can hear the other's voice. Send silly greeting cards. Email the local radio station you know the other listens to and dedicate a song during a time of day you think they'll be listening.

Time zones suck. Separations suck. Not being able to talk and touch base and get assurance that all is well and the demons in your head are nasty little lying bitches sucks royally.

I wish you well and hope nothing but the best to you both.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I'm not trying to put words in anyone's mouth, and perhaps I'm projecting a bit here, but I have also been diagnosed with Depression and one of my main issues is comprehending that I am as important to the ones I love as they tell me I am. When things hit really hard, and you're at your bleakest moments, it's really really tough to accept that things aren't as bad as you're imagining they are. I have been terrified of telling my husband things for fear he'd leave me when his response was a "oh? ok, well, we can do this or this to resolve this then. I love you." I have spent hours crying and harming myself thinking up all sorts of horrible things that were simply not true, though real enough in my own mind, only to discover my fears were totally unfounded. These same fears keep recurring, though, no matter how often I've been reassured otherwise. I know it's frustrating for him, as it's frustrating for me, too!

My husband is currently in a time zone 13 hours ahead of me, changed from 12 hours due to Korea not recognizing daylight savings time changes, which has dropped our hours of communication from a total of 2.5 - 3 hours per day down to about 1 hour per day during the week, and sometimes not even that. I know this is going to be a problem for me, he knows it's going to be a problem for me, and so we're working hard to find ways to minimize that.

Emails are good as they can sit and wait for us to come home to read them. You can always print them off, if you have a printer, and read them when your kids are in bed/on your lunch break. Set up some YOU time on the computer for your own correspondence and ensure your children acknowledge/accept that. Make cd's and mail them to each other so that you can hear the other's voice. Send silly greeting cards. Email the local radio station you know the other listens to and dedicate a song during a time of day you think they'll be listening.

Time zones suck. Separations suck. Not being able to talk and touch base and get assurance that all is well and the demons in your head are nasty little lying bitches sucks royally.

I wish you well and hope nothing but the best to you both.

i know all too well the feelings of insecurity that Depression brings. i was diagnosed with Depression many years ago. it's all just so frustrating though. thank you for your advice and well wishes, and i hope you can get through it all also....*hugs*

 

[Homburg]

and every time we do talk, it seems all He wants to do is tell me how worried He's been, and constantly ask me if Him and i are still "ok" i understand needing reassurance, but it just seems like He needs it more than i'm able to give anymore because it doesn't matter what i say, He'll ask me the same question again and again. it's like He's not listening to my answer.....or He doesn't believe me.... *big sigh*

rose, I'm not talking for MP here, but he's human, and can get needy too. Frankly, there are times as a Dom when you just don't feel your power any more, and ya NEED reassurance. Unfortunately, you are three time zones away, and can't just grab a hold of your man, hold him tight, and help him believe.

I can't tell you what to do, or even give you good advice on what to do. I don't know that there is anything you can do. He's got to find his power again. All you can do is be there for him as much as you are able, and try not to get frustrated. It's tough, and it's worse that things are rough for you and you are looking for comfort from him. But this might just be one of those times that nobody wants to talk about. You know, the time when you have to be strong for him, and the time when you have to be the pillar that he usually is. That time when things aren't so unequal, and us big ole scary Doms find ourselves leaning on our beloved pyl's.

It has nothing to do with D/s, and everything to do with being human. Just be there.

--

MP - I'm not trying to say that's what is going on with you, brother. I just said what I did because I've been there. I've felt like life had gotten away from me, my power was nowhere to be found, and I NEEDED reassurance from my gal again and again.

Feel free to PM me if any of this strikes a chord.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

rose, I'm not talking for MP here, but he's human, and can get needy too. Frankly, there are times as a Dom when you just don't feel your power any more, and ya NEED reassurance. Unfortunately, you are three time zones away, and can't just grab a hold of your man, hold him tight, and help him believe.

I can't tell you what to do, or even give you good advice on what to do. I don't know that there is anything you can do. He's got to find his power again. All you can do is be there for him as much as you are able, and try not to get frustrated. It's tough, and it's worse that things are rough for you and you are looking for comfort from him. But this might just be one of those times that nobody wants to talk about. You know, the time when you have to be strong for him, and the time when you have to be the pillar that he usually is. That time when things aren't so unequal, and us big ole scary Doms find ourselves leaning on our beloved pyl's.

It has nothing to do with D/s, and everything to do with being human. Just be there.

--

MP - I'm not trying to say that's what is going on with you, brother. I just said what I did because I've been there. I've felt like life had gotten away from me, my power was nowhere to be found, and I NEEDED reassurance from my gal again and again.

Feel free to PM me if any of this strikes a chord.

thank you Homburg and as i've said, this is not the first time we've had bumpy roads. but it seems more and more anymore i have to be the rock and i have reassure Him CONSTANTLY. you can tell me to not let it frustrate me, but you are not in my shoes and you have no idea how i feel or the things i'm going through. i am not attacking you, i respect your opinions and i really like you, i'm just...frustrated and to hear someone tell me to not let things frustrate me when you really have NO idea how it makes me feel when he asks for my reassurance, i give it, time and time again, and then it's like he doesn't believe my answer, or He's just plain not listening.

my biggest frustration is that if i go to my friends house, or if i go out with my friends, He makes me feel bad for doing it "well i'd really like it if you stayed home" and it's not just every now and then, it's almost every time. ugghh i am airing out more here than i wanted to so i'm going to stop. thank you for your advice Homburg, i truly do respect you and your opinions and advice....and i hope youd on't feel that i'm attacking what you said, because i DO understand what you're saying....really i do, i'm just frustrated, tired, and just...ughh......

 

[Homburg]

*sigh*

I can't understand it from your side. I can understand it from his, and am trying to tell you things that he probably can't tell you right now.

You're right, I don't understand how it feels to be asked time and again to reassure. I just know how it feels to feel the need to ask, and I'm trying to shine some light on it for you.

I wish you well.

 

[intothewoods]

*sigh*

I can't understand it from your side. I can understand it from his, and am trying to tell you things that he probably can't tell you right now.

You're right, I don't understand how it feels to be asked time and again to reassure. I just know how it feels to feel the need to ask, and I'm trying to shine some light on it for you.

I wish you well.

Does the reassurance ever really work, if you don't know that you're worth being loved? I just don't think this is about Rose at all.

 

[Homburg]

Does the reassurance ever really work, if you don't know that you're worth being loved? I just don't think this is about Rose at all.

That was the point I was trying to make, ITW. I was offering the perspective of someone who has wanted that sort of reassurance (though perhaps not to that level), and tried to explain a possible reason for it.

 

[EmpressFi]

He'll ask me the same question again and again. it's like He's not listening to my answer.....or He doesn't believe me.... *big sigh*

oh I know how that is.. we are listening..and we DO believe.. ok.. I'll speak for myself.. I AM listening..and I DO believe .. however.. when things get quiet..that voice in my head starts whispering.. then jabbering.. then talking ..then shouting that maybe you're tired of me.. or that I've done something wrong, I've been too clingy, not clingy enough... as frustrating as it is for the constant reassurance to be given... and belive me .. my heart hurts every time I've seen you mention that you're trying so hard to please every one.. to make sure none of the ones you love are hurting.. so as frustrating as it is to give the reassurances.. it is just as frustrating to need them to know that you're loved., to know that there's nothing wrong but yet this feeling inside that wont go away until we ask one more time..

 

[lil_slave_rose]

oh I know how that is.. we are listening..and we DO believe.. ok.. I'll speak for myself.. I AM listening..and I DO believe .. however.. when things get quiet..that voice in my head starts whispering.. then jabbering.. then talking ..then shouting that maybe you're tired of me.. or that I've done something wrong, I've been too clingy, not clingy enough... as frustrating as it is for the constant reassurance to be given... and belive me .. my heart hurts every time I've seen you mention that you're trying so hard to please every one.. to make sure none of the ones you love are hurting.. so as frustrating as it is to give the reassurances.. it is just as frustrating to need them to know that you're loved., to know that there's nothing wrong but yet this feeling inside that wont go away until we ask one more time..

for the record, i know THAT feeling also. as i've said i have depression, i have self esteem issues and i too get very insecure. what i don't get is why does it feel like my reassurance is falling on deaf ears? maybe i'm wrong in feeling the way i feel but i truly feel like if you ask me if we are ok, and i say yes, we are fine, it should be left at that instead of constantly asking that same question. it gets frustrating, it hurts because i feel like he doesn't believe me, like He doesnt' trust in my words. i don't know how to explain what i'm trying to say. and i do understand where you and Homburg are coming from. i am a VERY clingy person and i too constantly need reassurance but not the point that i doubt everything he says to me once i've asked if everything is alright.

and if it is His depression coming back i truly wish He would get help for it as there is nothing i can do to make it better and i know no matter what or how many times i say it, it's going to get worse. i've been in that black hole more than once and the only thing that helped was medication and therapy. *sighs*

 

[lil_slave_rose]

*sigh*

I can't understand it from your side. I can understand it from his, and am trying to tell you things that he probably can't tell you right now.

You're right, I don't understand how it feels to be asked time and again to reassure. I just know how it feels to feel the need to ask, and I'm trying to shine some light on it for you.

I wish you well.

i know how it feels on both ends, and both suck. again what i don't understand is WHY after i've reassured Him every single time we talk atleast 3 or 4 times in the conversations that we have, that He STILL feels the need for reassurance, i just feel like it doesn't matter, i might as well not reassure Him anymore, because He doesn't believe my words anyway.....

 

[Thalia9107]

*hugs* rose

please know you do have support and i not only agree with your statement that help through therapy and sometimes medication is necessary to get through depression, but also applaud you for realizing you can only help so much before it is out of your hands.

best wishes!!!

 

[Netzach]

i know how it feels on both ends, and both suck. again what i don't understand is WHY after i've reassured Him every single time we talk atleast 3 or 4 times in the conversations that we have, that He STILL feels the need for reassurance, i just feel like it doesn't matter, i might as well not reassure Him anymore, because He doesn't believe my words anyway.....

Very different relationship, very different people, but H and I go through this at times. He is remarkable and confident in the fact that yes, I want him around me and in my life, yes I want him as my slave even *if there is nothing I need my slave to do as a slave right now* - I'm sure it's less than ideal for him. I know it.

But when depression rears its head, as it does from time to time and historically has with him, I find myself in the position of reassurance.

But, of late, less so each time. I've been really impressed and delighted with his ability to communicate and its refinement, but each time I've explained, yes I do want you around, it builds that foundation a little stronger.

So now he knows that if it's been a week since we talked, it's really because I'm that busy. And sometimes he is, it goes both ways.

Our expectations have had to change, my getting sick for a year was the catalyst for that, but it's brought us closer in other ways. But the constant level of reinforcing the dynamic had to change, the frequency of play had to change - *I* changed.