Ok, so I've tied her up... what now?

[Burwell]

.....

 

[Betticus]

Mine and my wife's sex life has taken a bit of a downturn in terms of frequency recently. I wonder if maybe I'm not exciting her enough?

A few times in the past I've tied her up and she seems to love it. When we just got married I blindfolded her and put handcuffs behind her back a couple of times and just threw her around like a doll, fucking her hard. Again she seemed to love it, and it was a HUGE turn on for me!! But I thought it best just to keep that kind of thing very occasional so she wouldn't get bored of it.

Last night when I started fucking her I held her down, holding her wrists against the bed on the pillows so she couldn't move. She was defenseless and seemed to find this a real turn on! I asked if she liked the times I tied her up before and she said yes, so...
I'm thinking of making this a bit more of a regular thing. Maybe with a bit of whipping/spanking thrown in too. But I was just wondering... anybody got any ideas of what I could do?

We don't have any special bondage gear, so what household stuff would be good to use? HOW should I tie her up (positions and things like that). And what kinda stuff should I do to her when she finally is tied up?

Do whatever you want when you get her tied up, just make sure she knows her safeword.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You might find some ideas in this thread . Also, best way to find what a partner wants and craves is to talk to them, share ideas etc.

Catalina

 

[Burwell]

.....

 

[SweetGigi]

I was thinking of gagging her. If I do, is there a good alternative to a safeword?

I was also thinking maybe I'd tie her to the bed, one wrist tied to each corner of the headboard and tie her ankles to the corners of the foot of the bed. Blindfold her, gag her, and I was also thinkin of putting headphones on her playing loud rock music so she couldn't hear me either (the headphones and blindfold would come off immediately if she used her safeword, followed by her wrists untied and then her ankles).

You think this headphone thing is a good idea?

I have had this sort of restraint preformed on me and it was amazing. Since I was gagged, my hands were restrained where I could knock on the headboard three quick times if I needed to 'tap out'. I was also audibly restrained with a set of headphones playing loud classical music. Just remember to be very aware of her movements, her sounds, and her reactions. So many people forget to check on us regularly and make sure we are 'comfortable'. Have a glass of water with a straw so that she can replenish her fluids and you might even have some fruit on hand so that she can have a little something on her stomach-- I remember getting a little sick the first few times I was tied down.

Just relax and have fun. Enjoy and remember when she is tied down she really is 'the boss'.

 

[catalina_francisco]

If someone is tied and gagged, you can give them a coin or small ball to drop if they want to stop. Be careful though as some people freak at being gagged..thus talking first is good. Headphones can also be a bit heavy for some people in the beginning...seems simple enough but can make them feel very vulnerable in a not so good way.

Catalina

 

[SweetGigi]

.....Headphones can also be a bit heavy for some people in the beginning...seems simple enough but can make them feel very vulnerable in a not so good way.

that is true. i forget sometimes people aren't as hardcore as others.


I'm with Cat. Talk it out so much so it seems like you've beat the dead horse into oblivion then talk about it some more.

 

[WriterDom]

You can use a bit gag with some kind of elastic band. The kind they make for sport glasses are good. That way she can push it out if she needs to swallow. Otherwise she'll drool and I don't find drool all that attractive. Maybe some people do.

 

[Lady_In_Black]

That is quite an expansive question. Talk with her, and maybe read some of the posted stories for ideas. Until then, not sure what to say to that.

 

[Primalex]

I was thinking of gagging her.

I do not recommend this at all at this time! Not only does it hinder communication, it does block, at least partly, breathing. She might get in panic during the sex; start hyperventilation; the nose might get blocked due to a bad position shift etc. pp. When she falls unconscious, she can't express a safe word anymore.

Headphones are fine, best you find wireless ones though, to get rid of the cable and make sure to not make it too loud - it's better she hears one or two things during the play than a tinnitus afterwards; or start with simple ear plugs.

You are responsible for her body during play, all the time, even the very second you are about to cum. Don't put the responsibility for anything on her, just because she has a safeword.

These are my 2 cents.

 

[unfoundiamond]

hm...

I have to say, rock music could be distracting, and loud would make me want to bash me head till I lost consiousness...

But classical sounds amazing, the way the music starts soft and bulids... wow, talk about climax...

I'd stick to classical or ear plugs...

And you should tie her and tease her and taunt her... draw it out... make her feel vulnerable, like first blindfold her, then tie, then tease lots, then deprive her of her sensory perceptions, THEN after making her wait and get all worked up, then reward her...

I think sometimes its less WHAT you do, but how you do it...

Take small hints from everywhere... I try to combine people favorite things... maybe you could try to combine the things you know she likes with the new stuff...

Best Wishes!!

 

[SweetErika]

Have you gone through a checklist yet? I like the second one down on this page because it covers so much and the Excel format makes it easy to fill out, change, compare lists (it's wise for both parties to fill one out) and refer back to and update as time goes on, but there are many out there if you google 'bdsm checklist'.

At the very beginning, each of us filled one out and then we talked about our completed lists, the possibilities, limits, decided on safe words and signals, potential problems, etc. In the past year, our interests and limits have changed dramatically, so we repeat the process periodically to make note of those changes.

As a newer, cautious Dominant, talking about the possibilities and knowing my sub's limits gives me the freedom to be creative and have fun without worrying about inadvertently causing harm (too much at least!). If my sub likes humiliation or namecalling, for instance, I want to know if certain words are unacceptable or likely to go over poorly with them so I don't accidentally bring up bad feelings or kill the mood for us.

In terms of bondage, I've found http://www.easternrope.com/fashions2/index.php?lang=en&theme=default to be extremely helpful in helping me learn to make rope cuffs and some basic knots for tying someone spread-eagle and such. Fancy rope is nice, but we've found inexpensive, soft rope from the hardware store to work beautifully. Once you know about what lengths you need (11 feet or so will allow you to practice the techniques on your wrist or leg while watching TV or something), you can cut them and even just wrap the ends with electrical tape so they don't fray. Honestly, we started out with silky scarves and belts off our robes, so you probably don't have to spend anything if you don't want to.

Learn about BDSM and bondage safety, if you haven't done so already. Most of it's common sense, but we can all use a refresher and there are likely some things you wouldn't think about and want to know to avoid causing harm. Get yourself some safety/paramedic shears (in the First Aid section of the drug store, even) if you're doing bondage so you can get your wife out in an emergency without risking cutting or stabbing her. Untying her *might* take too long if she's panicking or there's a medical emergency. In this vein, also avoid using anything you're unwilling to cut or ruin in an emergency.

Go through your kitchen and entire house with a kinky mindset. What can you use safely for impact and to produce pain, pleasure, hot, cold, soft, rough, etc., sensations? You may want to experiment with pain outside the bedroom, or inside where the only goal is to get feedback and find her thresholds for different types of pain.

As Primalex said, inhibiting her communication with headphones or a gag is probably unwise when you're first starting or trying new things, like experimenting with pain. You're likely going to want to ask her for feedback on how things feel, she's doing, etc., and even use your voice (including silence/pauses) to add another layer to the experience. Sensory deprivation can be wonderful, but figuring out what you both like and getting down the basics is probably the best place to start. Having that solid foundation will make new experiences like sensory deprivation all the better when you get there!

 

[Primalex]

I have to say, rock music could be distracting, and loud would make me want to bash me head till I lost consiousness...

But classical sounds amazing, the way the music starts soft and bulids... wow, talk about climax...

I had a Goth girl, who loved Nine Inch Nails 'Closer'. I guess Ravels 'Bolero' is popular, too, especially as it lasts about 15-17 minutes. I'm quite fond of The Verves 'Bittersweet Symphony'.

Hm, what else could be options?

Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing and Let's Get It On
Chris de Burgh - Lady In Red
Phyllis Nelson - Move Closer
Paul Weller - You Do Something To Me
Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight
Air - All I need
Counting Crows - Colorblind
Culture Club - Love is Love
Teddy Pendergrass - Turn off the lights

And for the intense fucking time:
Luther Campbell - Scarred

 

[catalina_francisco]

Also remember in the interests of safety to not leave someone alone when they are tied up...too many risks of things going wrong and just not worth it.


Catalina

 

[SweetGigi]

.....Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing and Let's Get It On....

These song are so over-rated. I personally can't stand them b/c of the thick sexual overtones. I had a partner once put these two song in the middle of a mix he played during sex once. When they came on they were so distracting and funny, I couldn't consentrate or do 'my job'. They ruined that particular session for us- nothing kills a mood like uncontrollable laughter sometimes.

but to each their own.

 

[Primalex]

I personally can't stand them b/c of the thick sexual overtones. I had a partner once put these two song in the middle of a mix he played during sex once. When they came on they were so distracting and funny, I couldn't consentrate or do 'my job'.

*makes a mental note just in case...*

 

[Homburg]

We don't have any special bondage gear, so what household stuff would be good to use? HOW should I tie her up (positions and things like that). And what kinda stuff should I do to her when she finally is tied up?

If you are going to tie, there's thousands of ways to do it. Just remember that tying people up is honestly dangerous as hell. Make damned sure she has a safeword or safe signal, and make even more certain that YOU are watching her closely, as she can quickly get to the point where a safeword is impossible. If you cut off blood flow to the brain she'll be unconscious within seconds. Take a look at videos of real "sleeper holds". I've applied them and been under them, and you get very little warning, and I've accidentally knocked sparring partners out cold with chokeholds, and hadn't even realised it until they just stopped responding. It is VERY easy to apply the same sorts of pressure and constriction with rope if you do not watch what you are doing.

So make dead certain that you know where the nerves and blood vessels are that are close to the skin and use non-tightening ties. Try everything out on yourself wherever possible, and tug the hell out of the leads to make sure it will not tighten under load. Some bottoms will lay there peacefully, but others struggle, and even the peaceful ones will squirm here and there for comfort reasons.

If you want some examples of more complex ropework, you're welcome to visit my thread (linked in my sig). If you have specific questions regarding rope, feel free to PM me, or ask in my thread. And don't buy crap rope. You can get perfectly functional, useful, comfortable nylon solid braid at any number of locations, 5/16" 8mm is a good size, and it is relatively cheap ($0.19 a foot or so here locally). I'd suggest the stuff off the spool at the hardware store, as it is better generally than what you find in the bags.

 

[catalina_francisco]

And don't buy crap rope. You can get perfectly functional, useful, comfortable nylon solid braid at any number of locations, 5/16" 8mm is a good size, and it is relatively cheap ($0.19 a foot or so here locally). I'd suggest the stuff off the spool at the hardware store, as it is better generally than what you find in the bags.

Just make sure first the recipient isn't like me and hugely allergic to nylon rope and most other types as well...one reason we use cotton rope for anything lengthy (as in more than 15 minutes).

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/222/508336074_d2d9857f90_s.jpgCatalina

 

[the captians wench]

These song are so over-rated. I personally can't stand them b/c of the thick sexual overtones. I had a partner once put these two song in the middle of a mix he played during sex once. When they came on they were so distracting and funny, I couldn't consentrate or do 'my job'. They ruined that particular session for us- nothing kills a mood like uncontrollable laughter sometimes.

but to each their own.

*giggles* I am so glad that not everyone feels that way! *giggles*

I giggle inseccently. I giggle when I orgasm. I giggle when I'm nervouse. I giggle when I'm stressed. I giggle when I'm really turned on. And I giggle when I hit a certian pain level. I have had complete scenes where I started giggling half way thru it, and didn't stop until I started "coming down".

As far as music goes. I LOVE "closer", "the hand that feeds" by nin is a good partner for it.

Also, kind of unexpected, I love "once in a life time" by Sarah Brightman. Takes the classic love song and puts a d/s twist on it. pure magic.

There was also a song....I can't remember the name of it...."no one loves you when you're evil" maybe that one really got one of my tops going. Pure sadistic bliss from him.

 

[the captians wench]

Just make sure first the recipient isn't like me and hugely allergic to nylon rope and most other types as well...one reason we use cotton rope for anything lengthy (as in more than 15 minutes).

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/222/508336074_d2d9857f90_s.jpgCatalina

best "rope" I ever bought is cording from the fabric store. Stuff feels like silk, and at 35 cents a yard, it's a great buy. You can even throw it in the washing machine should you need to. And it's a cotton/polyester blend.

 

[Homburg]

Just make sure first the recipient isn't like me and hugely allergic to nylon rope and most other types as well...one reason we use cotton rope for anything lengthy (as in more than 15 minutes).

Nylon allergy is not terribly common, thankfully. Cotton has some pretty serious issues on its' own. This is why I generally suggest nylon to beginners. Not that the average joe is going to hit too many of cotton's faults, but they're certainly easier to run up against than nylon's problems.

www.kinkyrope.com has a great idea with their rope 'grommets'. They offer them in the various fibres they use, and a great option is to have the prospective bottom wear the grommet as a bracelet for some time prior to the tie. Any allergic reaction should be obvious.

 

[catalina_francisco]

best "rope" I ever bought is cording from the fabric store. Stuff feels like silk, and at 35 cents a yard, it's a great buy. You can even throw it in the washing machine should you need to. And it's a cotton/polyester blend.

Yep, have metres of the stuff in various colours as well as basic cotton undyed rope from the hardware. LOL, it pays to be into crafts and sewing.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Nylon allergy is not terribly common, thankfully. Cotton has some pretty serious issues on its' own. This is why I generally suggest nylon to beginners. Not that the average joe is going to hit too many of cotton's faults, but they're certainly easier to run up against than nylon's problems.

www.kinkyrope.com has a great idea with their rope 'grommets'. They offer them in the various fibres they use, and a great option is to have the prospective bottom wear the grommet as a bracelet for some time prior to the tie. Any allergic reaction should be obvious.

Hmm, dunno about it not being common...everyone I know who suffers from eczema or dermatitis just about breaks out at the mention of the dreaded word nylon. The cotton ones I bought have no inner tubing which is a problem in some and being undyed avoids my allergies to a lot of dyes as well....and it washes great in the washing machine....just not as pretty as the nylon and polyester alternatives.

Catalina

 

[Homburg]

Hmm, dunno about it not being common...everyone I know who suffers from eczema or dermatitis just about breaks out at the mention of the dreaded word nylon. The cotton ones I bought have no inner tubing which is a problem in some and being undyed avoids my allergies to a lot of dyes as well....and it washes great in the washing machine....just not as pretty as the nylon and polyester alternatives.

*shrug* I haven't wandered across that many people with eczema or dermatitis yet then.

Cottons problems are myriad. Production quality differs wildly in craft rope bought at fabric stores. Trusting it to hold any sort of load is asking for an injury. The dyes used can be an issue, as well, as you said. The big problem is how it is constructed. Short of buying marine grade cotton rope, you have no bloody clue how the stuff was made, short of taking it apart. It's mystery rope. I don't deal well with mystery rope. Too much danger in that for my tastes.

Marine-grade cotton handles a lot of these issues, but still has its' own set of problem. The big one is rot and mildew. Plain and simple, you're dealing with bodily fluids, and that invites all sorts of biological nastiness. Yes, you can get that with synthetic rope, but it washes easier. Cotton also strecthes like crazy. Not a big deal for some, but it makes eel play less fun when the rope stretches with no trouble.

There are other alternatives out there. Have you tried flax? It is a natural fibre that might not set off your allergies. Is polypropelene an issue like nylon is? If not, MFP could work, or promilla.

 

[catalina_francisco]

*shrug* I haven't wandered across that many people with eczema or dermatitis yet then.

Cottons problems are myriad. Production quality differs wildly in craft rope bought at fabric stores. Trusting it to hold any sort of load is asking for an injury. The dyes used can be an issue, as well, as you said. The big problem is how it is constructed. Short of buying marine grade cotton rope, you have no bloody clue how the stuff was made, short of taking it apart. It's mystery rope. I don't deal well with mystery rope. Too much danger in that for my tastes.

Marine-grade cotton handles a lot of these issues, but still has its' own set of problem. The big one is rot and mildew. Plain and simple, you're dealing with bodily fluids, and that invites all sorts of biological nastiness. Yes, you can get that with synthetic rope, but it washes easier. Cotton also strecthes like crazy. Not a big deal for some, but it makes eel play less fun when the rope stretches with no trouble.

There are other alternatives out there. Have you tried flax? It is a natural fibre that might not set off your allergies. Is polypropelene an issue like nylon is? If not, MFP could work, or promilla.

Maybe Oz has better quality cotton rope then as it was the first one I was introduced to there and is sold through major hardware outlets in various thicknesses. I bought it to Europe with me and also stock up on more when I go home for a visit, though F says we have more than enough now. To date none have stretched or broken and also are dye free and wash like a wonder. Some of them are marine grade, just not the price paid through marine outlets. Mildew only comes if you leave them wet which we don't, and with nylon in intimate places it risks yeast infection if left on for any length of time in the wrong season. I actually wash all ropes after use no matter what they are made of and ropes used on others in intimate places, washed or not, do not get used on me. Same goes for toys...seperate toys for others where any sort of transference is possible, I trust F's judgement on rope as he has been into ropework for about 14 years now I think, and given several workshops on it around Amsterdam in the past. He was just pleased there was at least something he could use which took awhile before I began to itch in any way...now we just have to get me past my panic attacks I have developed and we will be back into happily getting tied in knots regularly again.

If flax is what I am thinking it is, I also break out with that. I break out with most things, even the stiching in clothing seams can leave me looking like I have seams all over me when I take them off. It's the pits sometimes.

Catalina