Odes to Literotica categories

[EmilyMiller]

I’ll go first:

—

Smells Like Mean Spirit


We have no wives and no girlfriends

It's fun to troll and to offend

We think all women hate our guts

Oh no, I know let’s burn the sluts

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb

Where the comments, are not gracious

And the craniums less capacious

Where the views are, quite Cretaceous

Here we are now, want to rate us

A castrato, and a bozo

A cornuto, who is loco

Yeah, hey, yay



They are worst, when they read best

And other’s gifts, make them distressed

Their little group has always been

And always will, be big bell ends

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb

Where the comments, are not gracious

And the craniums less capacious

Where the views are, quite Cretaceous

Here we are now, want to rate us

A castrato, and a bozo

A cornuto, who is loco

Yeah, hey, yay



And they forget, just why they hate

Oh yeah, I guess misogyny

They’re not that sharp, but sharpen knives

Oh well, whatever, Loving Wives

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb

Where the comments, are not gracious

And the craniums less capacious

Where the views are, quite Cretaceous

Here we are now, want to rate us

A castrato, and a bozo

A cornuto, who is loco

All are whiners, all are whiners

All are whiners, all are whiners

All are whiners, all are whiners

All are whiners, all are whiners

All are whiners

 

[Emotional]

This should be a published story

 

[MrPixel]

This should be a published story

Doesn't meet the 750 word minimum.

 

[NoTalentHack]

Doesn't meet the 750 word minimum.

Drop it in poetry.

 

[SimonDoom]

Ode On A Loving Wife

Thou oft-ravished bride of cuckoldry,
Thou foster-child of sluttishness and cheating,
Kinky historian, who canst thus express
A cum-filled tale to leave a husband's heart beating:
What bull-fring'd legend lurks about thy shape
In ones or twos, or even more,
In bedrooms or the backs of bars?
What thick-cocked men are these? What maiden lost?
What mad pursuit? From whom or what do thee escape?
What fallen fate lies under these stars?

 

[SimonDoom]

I’ll go first:

—

Smells Like Mean Spirit


We have no wives and no girlfriends

It's fun to troll and to offend

We think all women hate our guts

Oh no, I know let’s burn the sluts

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb

Where the comments, are not gracious

And the craniums less capacious

Where the views are, quite Cretaceous

Here we are now, want to rate us

A castrato, and a bozo

A cornuto, who is loco

Yeah, hey, yay



They are worst, when they read best

And other’s gifts, make them distressed

Their little group has always been

And always will, be big bell ends

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb

Where the comments, are not gracious

And the craniums less capacious

Where the views are, quite Cretaceous

Here we are now, want to rate us

A castrato, and a bozo

A cornuto, who is loco

Yeah, hey, yay



And they forget, just why they hate

Oh yeah, I guess misogyny

They’re not that sharp, but have their knives

Oh well, whatever, Loving Wives

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb

Where the comments, are not gracious

And the craniums less capacious

Where the views are, quite Cretaceous

Here we are now, want to rate us

A castrato, and a bozo

A cornuto, who is loco

All are whiners, all are whiners

All are whiners, all are whiners

All are whiners, all are whiners

All are whiners, all are whiners

All are whiners

I think Kurt Cobain would be proud.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I've done the long form version: Something for Everyone.

Literotica writers often set themselves the challenge of writing something in every category. Since it's that time of year to set goals then fail spectacularly at meeting them, this is my one-shot at doing just that.

Hopefully there's something here for everyone; but please, if a category isn't your kink, just pass over it before your sensibilities get offended .

Judging from my intro, I suspect this might have been written around the same time a well known AH personality published an ambitious New Year's Resolution.

 

[lc69hunter]

I’ll go first:

—

Smells Like Mean Spirit


We have no wives and no girlfriends

It's fun to troll and to offend

We think all women hate our guts

Oh no, I know let’s burn the sluts

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb

Where the comments, are not gracious

And the craniums less capacious

Where the views are, quite Cretaceous

Here we are now, want to rate us

A castrato, and a bozo

A cornuto, who is loco

Yeah, hey, yay



They are worst, when they read best

And other’s gifts, make them distressed

Their little group has always been

And always will, be big bell ends

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb

Where the comments, are not gracious

And the craniums less capacious

Where the views are, quite Cretaceous

Here we are now, want to rate us

A castrato, and a bozo

A cornuto, who is loco

Yeah, hey, yay



And they forget, just why they hate

Oh yeah, I guess misogyny

They’re not that sharp, but have their knives

Oh well, whatever, Loving Wives

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb

Where the comments, are not gracious

And the craniums less capacious

Where the views are, quite Cretaceous

Here we are now, want to rate us

A castrato, and a bozo

A cornuto, who is loco

All are whiners, all are whiners

All are whiners, all are whiners

All are whiners, all are whiners

All are whiners, all are whiners

All are whiners

Love this

 

[FifthEstate]

I’ll go first:

—

Smells Like Mean Spirit


We have no wives and no girlfriends

It's fun to troll and to offend

We think all women hate our guts

Oh no, I know let’s burn the sluts

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb

Where the comments, are not gracious

And the craniums less capacious

Where the views are, quite Cretaceous

Here we are now, want to rate us

A castrato, and a bozo

A cornuto, who is loco

Yeah, hey, yay



They are worst, when they read best

And other’s gifts, make them distressed

Their little group has always been

And always will, be big bell ends

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb

Where the comments, are not gracious

And the craniums less capacious

Where the views are, quite Cretaceous

Here we are now, want to rate us

A castrato, and a bozo

A cornuto, who is loco

Yeah, hey, yay



And they forget, just why they hate

Oh yeah, I guess misogyny

They’re not that sharp, but have their knives

Oh well, whatever, Loving Wives

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb, woman

1 bomb, 1 bomb, 1 bomb

Where the comments, are not gracious

And the craniums less capacious

Where the views are, quite Cretaceous

Here we are now, want to rate us

A castrato, and a bozo

A cornuto, who is loco

All are whiners, all are whiners

All are whiners, all are whiners

All are whiners, all are whiners

All are whiners, all are whiners

All are whiners

Brilliant! Don’t think we have an award for Lit forum influencer of the year, but @EmilyMiller you get my vote if and when we get one. You’ve made this a better author hangout to hangout in !

 

[Emilymcplugger]

Publishing day (Perfect Day)

It’s publishing day.
See views grow from the start
Upon reading our free art
Whilst at home.

It’s publishing Day
Keep checking on story views
has it been a favourite, too?
Made some bones.

Oh it’s our publishing day
It’s marked down that it is new
It’s our publishing day
We just hope a H goes on
We just hope a H goes on

It’s publishing Day
One bombs can just do one
Seeing thems never fun
Makes us moan

It’s publishing day
It makes us forget our woes
Today it’s all “oohs” and “oh”s
on our phones

Oh it’s our publishing day
It’s marked down that it is new
It’s our publishing day
We just hope a H goes on
We just hope a H goes on

We’re gonna hope, we get some fives
We’re gonna hope, we get some fives
We’re gonna hope we, get some fives yeah
We’re gonna hope, we get some fives

Get, get, get, lots of FIVES.

It’s our publishing day.

I guess this is more genetic rather than any category.

 

[Emilymcplugger]

HELP! (HELP! The Beatles)

HELP! I’ve got some one bombs
HELP! It’s a lot of one-bombs!
HELP! I don’t know what I’ve done
HELP!

When I was loading up my wife story today,
I felt so sure about my story-telling ways
But now those days are gone, they’re calling her a whore.
And now the blues have come, I cannot write no more.

Help me if you can I’ve been a clown
Posting in LW got me down
All this sexist BS makes me frown
Won’t you PLEASE, please help me!

And now my wife is pissed won’t speak to me for days.
Because I wrote fiction on her lusty, wanton gaze.
The story looked at how she fucked with other men.
And now the comments want me to get my revenge!

Help me if you can I’ve been a clown
Posting in LW got me down
All this sexist BS makes me frown
Won’t you PLEASE, please help me!

HELP ME! HELP ME-EE, OOH!

 

[Zenith77]

Fetish (Happy Birthday)

Whips and chains are for you,
Hoods and latex suits too,
If it doesn't hurt it's not worth it,
Just draw the line at poo.

 

[AlinaX]

a mischievous spell, exquisite pleasure writ
upon a page once blank, now digital
with such inciteful skill, my fingers light

a keystroke here, a stroke there, stroke, stroke it
make fire with words to burn a thousand cheeks!
a mischievous spell, exquisite pleasure writ

for readers coming, coming, in the night
to penetrate the myst of woven words, worked
with such inciteful skill, my fingers light

teasing, leading, see them champing at the bit
impatient, yearning, eyes racing ahead…
a mischievous spell, exquisite pleasure writ

to build the tension, to hold them tight
and teetering upon that oft-sought precipice
with such inciteful skill, my fingers light

no sorcerer's apprentice sweeps my clit
with bumbling brushes nor unwise words, no
a mischievous spell, exquisite pleasure writ
with such inciteful skill, my fingers light

 

[Emilymcplugger]

It’s pretty tricky one this one. Might have to step up my game.

 

[Zenith77]

Mature (One, U2)

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel much worse?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You've got some Qbrelis.

You say, one love, one life
When you need someone in the night
One love, maybe they'll share it
Someone younger, or I don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
I've not got much time left to go without

Well it's too late tonight
To drag my past out into the light (seriously)
We're one, but I'm not on my game
You're going to have to carry me, carry me
One! (moment please)

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
I'm not really quite that old
The age gap's in your head

Did I ask too much? More than a lot?
You gave me something and that's what I got
We're one, but I'm not on my game
We hurt each other (a category with a different name)

You say love is a temple, love's a higher law
I went to this temple and now I'm feeling raw
You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl
And my knees just won't take it
(All you seem to want is hurt)

One love, one night
One life, you've got to do me tonight
One life (or what's left of it)
Blood thinners, pace makers

One life, but we're not the same
(And that's the appeal; the name of the game)
One
One

 

[onehitwanda]

I'm so sorry for this. I'm bored and I blame ALL OF YOU EQUALLY.

Except you, @Emilymcplugger . I blame you more.

--

Oh, imagine a land, it's a faraway place
Where the fresh-shaven cameltoes roam
Where you wander among every sultry, young tongue
It's chaotic, but, hey, it's home

When the wind's never cold
And the sun's on your breasts
And the sand safely not twixt your thighs.
Come on down, stop on by
lick a carpet and fly
To one of our lesbian nights

Oh, lesbian nights,
like lesbian days,
more of then than not
are hotter than hot
in myriad ways

Oh, lesbian nights,
like lesbian dreams,
that mystical land of magic, not sand,
much more than it seems.

There's a path (@stickygirl ! I'm looking at you!) that may lead you
To delights unseen through
The power your flirting commands
Let her moist lips unfold, you'll find fortunes untold
(perhaps even keys to her heart)

As you twine through the sheets; try positions bizarre -
touch her soul with the tip of your tongue...
You can taste all the spices
of her lovely vices
wrapped up like her silky buns!

Oh lesbian nights!
Like lesbian days
All seem to excite, take off and take flight
To delight and amaze.
Oh, lesbian nights
'neath... er... lesbian moons
A fool off her guard could fall and fall hard
Out there on her dunes.

 

[Rustyoznail]

And here's one I prepared earlier...

Ghost Writers In The Sky

A Lit writer was typing out one dark and windy day
Upon a scene he rested as he thought about his day
When all at once a mighty herd of red-eyed fluffs he saw
Hopping through the ragged skies and up a cloudy draw

Their tails glowed St Elmo’s fire and their feet thumped like hardened steel
Their teeth were black and shiny and their hot breath he could feel
A bolt of fear went through him as they bounced off through the sky
For he saw the writers coming hard and he heard their mournful cries

Yippie I oh oh oh
Yippie I aye ye ye
Ghost writers in the sky

Their faces gaunt, their eyes were blurred, their shirts all soaked with sweat
He’s writing hard to sort those plots but he ain’t got them yet
Cause they got to write forever on that PC in the sky
With coffee going dry as they write on hear their cries

As the writers ran on by him he heard one call his name
‘If you wanna save your soul from hell a-writing with our gang
Then author change your ways today or with us you will write
Trying to catch the devil’s plots across these endless skies’

Yippie I oh oh oh
Yippie I aye ye ye
Ghost writers in the sky
Ghost writers in the sky
Ghost writers in the sky

 

[Zenith77]

Best. Thread. Ever.

 

[Emilymcplugger]

Spanking Pleasure (Under Pressure - David Bowie and Queen)

Pleasure
Spanking down on me
Spanking down from you, my ass is raw
Spanking pleasure
That burns my buttocks, ow!
Makes them turn red, too
I’ll struggle to sit.

Up-ma-bum-yea
That butt plug yeah
Dee-day-da
E-day-da, that's okay!

It's exciting the knowing what this kink is about
Feeling the smacks and screaming "Let me out"
But what follows gets me higher.
Pressure on nipples
Nipples with clamps

Dey-dey-dey-mm-hm
Da-da-da-ba-ba
Okay

Wax melts down, stings and burns ever so,
The sensation stings and yet I’m still wanting more

Ee-do-ba-be
Ee-da-ba-ba-ba
Um-bo-bo
Be-lap

Nipples and clamps
Ee-da-de-da-de
A clamp on my clit
Ee-da-de-da-de-da-de-da

It's the pleasure of knowing what this pain is about
Pulling on those clamps, they’re tweaking, makes me shout
But what follows gets me higher.
Paddle on backside
Wax melts on teats

Thats okay, feeling more with the blind on
I’m in restraints, so it’s all good
Keep coming up with love, but it's just such a bore
Why? Why? Why?
Love (love, love, love, love)
Insanity laughs, spanking pleasure we're facing
Can't you give me just one more spank?
Why can't we give clamps just one more yank?
Why can't we give love, give love, give love?
Give love, give love, give love, give love?
'Cause love's such an old fashioned term
But love daren’t do the sort of things that we often like (in between sheets)
But bondage can, it changes ways of teasing and pleasing us
This is our last spank
This is our last yank
This is ourselves
Spanking pleasure
Clit clamp pressure
Pressure

Click
Click
Click
Click

 

[EmilyMiller]

I think Kurt Cobain would be proud.

I was using my ouija board and listening to Heart-shaped Box (my box is kinda… OK that’s not what he meant) and the words just came to me. There was as bit about a shotgun at the end, but I ignored that.

Em

 

[EmilyMiller]

Brilliant! Don’t think we have an award for Lit forum influencer of the year, but @EmilyMiller you get my vote if and when we get one. You’ve made this a better author hangout to hangout in !

I feel the need to take a selfie, pouting in sunglasses and sticking my ass out. Possibly in a beach hat.

Sweet of you to say .

Em

 

[SimonDoom]

Born To Cum


In the day we sweat it out in the gyms of a runaway American dream
At night we ride thick cocks of glory in stripper heels and strings
Sprung from cages of vanilla lives
Lipsticked, botox injected and stepping out over the line
Baby this town strips the clothes from your back
It’s a sex trap, it’s an orgasm rap
We gotta do it while we’re young
Cause wives like us, baby we were born to cum.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Spanking Pleasure (Under Pressure - David Bowie and Queen)

Pleasure
Spanking down on me
Spanking down from you, my ass is raw
Spanking pleasure
That burns my buttocks, ow!
Makes them turn red, too
I’ll struggle to sit.

Up-ma-bum-yea
That butt plug yeah
Dee-day-da
E-day-da, that's okay!

It's exciting the knowing what this kink is about
Feeling the smacks and screaming "Let me out"
But what follows gets me higher.
Pressure on nipples
Nipples with clamps

Dey-dey-dey-mm-hm
Da-da-da-ba-ba
Okay

Wax melts down, stings and burns ever so,
The sensation stings and yet I’m still wanting more

Ee-do-ba-be
Ee-da-ba-ba-ba
Um-bo-bo
Be-lap

Nipples and clamps
Ee-da-de-da-de
A clamp on my clit
Ee-da-de-da-de-da-de-da

It's the pleasure of knowing what this pain is about
Pulling on those clamps, they’re tweaking, makes me shout
But what follows gets me higher.
Paddle on backside
Wax melts on teats

Thats okay, feeling more with the blind on
I’m in restraints, so it’s all good
Keep coming up with love, but it's just such a bore
Why? Why? Why?
Love (love, love, love, love)
Insanity laughs, spanking pleasure we're facing
Can't you give me just one more spank?
Why can't we give clamps just one more yank?
Why can't we give love, give love, give love?
Give love, give love, give love, give love?
'Cause love's such an old fashioned term
But love daren’t do the sort of things that we often like (in between sheets)
But bondage can, it changes ways of teasing and pleasing us
This is our last spank
This is our last yank
This is ourselves
Spanking pleasure
Clit clamp pressure
Pressure

Click
Click
Click
Click

Sadly, we'll never get to see the Bowie/Mercury video to accompany this one.

 

[Zenith77]

Sadly, we'll never get to see the Bowie/Mercury video to accompany this one.

Oh, I wouldn't be too sure. Wait til ChatGPT6 comes out and you'll be good to go.

 

[Rustyoznail]

Ok, one about Lit categories. Best to sing aloud. If you can.

===

Blow the Trolls Down

Come all ye young newbies with sexy stories
Weigh hey blow the trolls down
And pray pay attention and listen to me
Give me some time to blow the trolls down

I'm an old Aussie writer with an ornery muse
Weigh hey blow the trolls down
I'll have some caffeine and give you some Lit clues
Give me some time to blow the trolls down

T'was into cat I.T. I wrote my first tale
Weigh hey blow the trolls down
And in that pop cat-gree I got my H grail
Give me some time to blow the trolls down

Well I wondered if that was the right category
Weigh hey blow the trolls down
Uncle and niece sex was too ordinary
Give me some time to blow the trolls down

Well, she fisted her aunt and she did it with glee
Weigh hey blow the trolls down
They got some real good sex, yes all of the three
Give me some time to blow the trolls down

That's when the ol' Lit score went right through the roof
Weigh hey blow the trolls down
You know that your story is not just a goof
Give me some time to blow the trolls down

So remember young newbies, about categories
Weigh hey blow the trolls down
There's always the if buts and lots of maybes
Give me some time to blow the trolls down

If your story is good you'll rack up a high score
Weigh hey blow the trolls down
Except in the Love Wives, where trolls are a bore
Give me some time to blow the trolls down
Blow the trolls down blow the trolls down
Give me some time to blow the trolls down