Now this was really funny

[raven2]

# Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning ?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you

Actually if you are on the other end of an emergency childbirth, It means "Oh shit, get me my catcher's mitt"

 

[graceanne]

Actually if you are on the other end of an emergency childbirth, It means "Oh shit, get me my catcher's mitt"

I'd personally rahter be on that end.

 

[graceanne]

Sent by a friend

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked , "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain"

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more ?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

 

[raven2]

Also sent by a friend

Baptist Cowgirl:

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin.

When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this
way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains," It's just that my
husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

"Hasn't affected my sisters though .

 

[Kajira Callista]

http://funnieststuff.net/viewmovie....wmv&path=/i/idiotsinmotion/idiotsinmotion.wmv

 

[graceanne]

Is this how you feel at the end of the day? Or at the beginning?

Today Is National Mental Health day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend.

(Well...my job's done!)

Some days, it's not even worth chewing through the restraints.

 

[graceanne]

A Mother Passing By Her Son's Bedroom Was Astonished
To See The Bed Was Nicely Made And Everything Was Picked Up. Then, She Saw An Envelope Propped Up Prominently On The Centre Of The Bed.

It Was Addressed "mom."
With The Worst Premonition, She Opened The Envelope
And Read The Letter With Trembling Hands:

Dear Mom,
It Is With Great Regret And Sorrow That I'm Writing This. I Had To Elope With My New Girlfriend Because I Wanted To Avoid A
Scene With You.
I've Been Finding Real Passion With Barbara. She Is So
Nice, Even With All Her Piercings, Tattoos, And Her Tight Motorcycle Clothes. But It Is Not Only The Passion, Mom. She's Pregnant, And Barbara Says That We Will Be Very Happy, Even Though You Don't Care For Her As She Is 20 Years Older Than I Am.

She Owns A Trailer In The Woods, And Has Enough Firewood For The Whole Winter. She Wants To Have Many Children With Me And
That's Now One Of My Dreams, Too.
Barbara Taught Me That Marijuana Doesn't Really Harm Anyone And We'll Be Growing It For Ourselves And Trading It With Her
Friends For All The Cocaine And Ecstasy We Want. In The Meantime, We'll Pray That Science Will Find A Cure For Aids So Barbara Can Get Better.
She Sure Deserves It!!
Don't Worry, Mom, I'm 15 Years Old Now And I Know How To Take Care Of Myself. Someday I'm Sure We'll Be Back So You Can
Get To Know Your Grandchildren.

Your Son, Billy

P.s. Mom, None Of This Is True. I'm Across The Road At Bob's House. I
Just Wanted To Remind You That There Are Worse Things
In Life Than My Report Card That's In My Desk, Centre Drawer.
I Love You! Call When It's Safe For Me To Come Home!!

 

[graceanne]

Once upon a time the government had a scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said," Someone may steal it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person at $18,000.00 a year for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people -- one person to write the instructions for $22,000.00 and one person to do time studies for an additional $22,000.00 per year.

Then congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a quality control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies for $31,000.00 and one to write the reports for an additional $31,000,00 per year.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions: a time keeper for a $35,000.00 annual salary and a payroll officer for an additional $35,000. Then they created an administrative section and hired three more people -- an Administrative Officer at $155,000 per year, an Assistant Administrative Officer at $125,000.00 and a Legal Secretary at $100,000.00 per

year.

Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year with a budget cost of $574,000 and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cut back costs."

SO......THEY LAID OFF THE NIGHT WATCHMAN

 

[graceanne]

A man with only seconds to live . . .

 

[graceanne]

Mary's husband was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent her to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a
customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that her husband had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.

 

[graceanne]

DOG'S DIARY

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favourite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mum! My favourite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!
11pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favourite!



CAT'S DIARY

Day 483 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me
with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on
fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture.

Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to
kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they
were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of
the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors,
I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite
chair. I must remember to try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to
try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and
condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, that
did not work according to plan...

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could
hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I
overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of
inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I
may use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than
happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and
speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room,
his safety is assured.

But I have patience, I can wait, it is only a matter of
time..

 

[graceanne]

You know you're a pothead . . .

You think the song "Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead should replace the national anthem.

Your music collection is worth more than your vehicle.

Your bong is taller than your dog.

It takes you more than 30 minutes to roll a joint.

You set your wedding date for 4/20.

You take off April 20th every year and treat it as a holiday.

You spent your last bit of money to score some herbs and don't have enough gas money to get home but you don't care.

You start every sentence with - uhhh!.

You intentionally roll seeds in your joints on independence day so you can hear the popping because you don't have money to buy fireworks.

You eat at Taco Bell more than 8 times a week.

You wear sunglasses at night, and see better.

You go to the corner store and the clerk automatically tosses a pack of rolling papers on the counter.

Your pot tray is fuller than your refrigerator.

Your bong gets washed more than your dishes.

You sell your car for gas money

You are the only tobacco smoker in the room and you look at the cigarette in the ashtray and ask, "Is that my cigarette?"

You're eating something on your way home thinking about what you're gonna eat when you get home!

Every cylinderical object you see, turns into plans on a new smoking device....

Just to be religous, you observe 4:20 in every time zone.

Someone has ever come up to you on the street and said "Hi" and you said "Yep."

You thought the ebola virus was a type of weed.

You think being stoned to death would be a damn good way to go out.

You have ever smoked pot before 8 o'clock in the morning.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other pothead friends.

 

[graceanne]

The

RANGE

OF

8

INCHES

LONG,

THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS

ENJOYED

BY

MEMBERS

OF

BOTH

SEXES.




IT IS

USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING READY

LOOSELY

FOR

INSTANT

ACTION.




IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF

LITTLE

HAIRY

THINGS

AT

ONE

END

AND A

SMALL

HOLE AT THE OTHER.


IN USE,

IT IS INSERTED,

ALMOST ALWAYS

WILLINGLY,

SOMETIMES SLOWLY,
SOMETIMES QUICKLY,
INTO

A

WARM, FLESHY,

MOIST OPENING,

WHERE IT IS

THRUST

IN

AND

DRAWN

OUT

AGAIN AND AGAIN,

MANY TIMES IN

SUCCESSION,

OFTEN

QUICKLY

AND

ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.



ANYONE

FOUND

LISTENING IN WILL

MOST SURELY
RECOGNIZE

THE

RHYTHMIC,

PULSING SOUND

RESULTING FROM THE

WELL LUBRICATED

MOVEMENTS.


WHEN

FINALLY WITHDRAWN,

IT LEAVES

BEHIND

A

JUICY,

FROTHY,

WHITE,

STICKY SUBSTANCE,

SOME OF WHICH WILL
NEED

CLEANING

FROM THE OUTER
SURFACES OF THE OPENING

AND
SOME

FROM

ITS

LONG

GLISTENING

SHAFT.


AFTER EVERYTHING IS
DONE

AND

THE

FLOWING

AND

CLEANSING

LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED

EMANATING,

IT

IS

RETURNED

TO

ITS

FREELY

HANGING STATE OF REST,

READY
YET

FOR

ANOTHER

BIT

OF

ACTION,

HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS

BRISTLING

CLIMAX

TWICE

OR

THREE

TIMES A

DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.



WHAT AM I???????



AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY

GUESSED

THE

ANSWER

TO

THE

RIDDLE,

IT IS

NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

TOOTHBRUSH.........





What were you thinking?

You PERVERT!

 

[graceanne]

Skinny Dippin'

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice -- picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,” We’re not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said,” I’m here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

 

[graceanne]

I'm so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound

for the broken lamp, which you didn't break;

the fish tank you didn't knock over;

the carpet that you didn't wet;

and the wall that you didn't mess up with Red paint......

Things here at the house are much calmer now

and to show you that I have no hard feelings toward you,

I'm sending you a picture so you will always

remember me.

Best Regards,

The Cat

 

[graceanne]

Easter Card

 

[graceanne]

Subjectear Connie

Dear Connie, I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact, guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie."

I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that Gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, All I can do is think of you?

It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh?
I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.

Love, Dan

 

[graceanne]

Woman's Yearly Exam

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain
basics.

How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," I say. The nurse puts me on the
scale. It turns out my weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say. The nurse checks and sees
that I only measure 5' 5".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on prozac.

 

[graceanne]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M
University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from
jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold
weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a
large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked his ass.

 

[Kajira Callista]

hehehe

 

[shy slave]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

 

[Gil_T2]

SOME GIRLS BEG AND SOME GIRLS BORROW... SOME GIRLS LEAD AND SOME GIRLS FOLLOW. sOME BRING JOY AND SOME BRING SORROW.. BUT THE VERY BEST GIRLS JUST FUCK SUCK AND SWALLOW

 

[m wisdom]

Topless car wash

http://videolist.blogter.hu/?post_id=36428

 

[graceanne]

Husband: Oh, come on.

Wife: Leave me alone!

Husband: It won't take long.

Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Husband: I can't sleep without it.

Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle
of the night?

Husband: Because I'm Hot.

Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.

Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Husband: You don't love me anymore.

Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Husband: Please...come on

Wife: Alright, I'll do it.

Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Wife: I can't find it.

Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Wife: There! Are you satisfied?

Husband: Oh, yes.

Wife: Is it up far enough?

Husband: Oh, that's good.

Wife: Now go to sleep and from now on when you want the
window open, do it yourself.

 

[graceanne]

A guy is 85 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other
day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see
any one. He thought he was
dreaming when he heard
the voice say again,
"Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there,
floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you
talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking
to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss
me and I'll turn into the most
beautiful woman you
have ever seen.

I'll then give you more sexual
pleasure that you ever could
have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog
for a short time, reached over,
picked it up carefully, and
placed it in his front
breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What,
are you nuts? Didn't you
hear what I said? I said
kiss me and I will give
you sexual pleasures
like you have never
had."

He opened his pocket, looked
at the frog and said, "Nah, at
my age I'd rather have
a talking frog."