Now this was really funny

[shy slave]

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their bums.

I thought the results were very interesting.

85% of women think their bum is to fat...

10% of women think their bum is too skinny.

The other 5% say they don't care, they love him, He's a good man, and they
would have married him anyway.

 

[graceanne]

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"





"2"





"3"





"4"





"5"



At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC.

 

[graceanne]

Thought for the day...






If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked.



Drink some Windex.

It will keep you from streaking.

 

[graceanne]

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save
money, they decided to sleep two to a room.



No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man,
what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn.

In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all
blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look
awful!" He said, "That Daryl shakes the roof. I sat & watched him all
night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big, burly
ex-football player; a man's man The next morning he came to
breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed, with a cheerful
"Good Morning!"

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,
"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed
him
good night.....

He sat up and watched me all night."

 

[graceanne]

Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London.

However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her Husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy Chicken legs.
She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message, and gave her the Chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts
Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts!
The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...



(Please scroll down)
















What were you thinking?



Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!



Now get back to work...

 

[graceanne]

Subject: Explanation of Life


On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door
of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I
will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain
people, do tricks, and make them laugh.

For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a
life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

[graceanne]

The Spanish Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in
Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either
masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class
into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide
for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or
a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely
be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal
logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term
memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for
it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should
be Masculine ("el computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them
on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you
had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

[WriterDom]

Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff.

"Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?"

"Well Sheriff, it's a long story."

"I ain't going nowhere", said the Sheriff.

"Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did." He continued,

"We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said

'Okay,Billy-Bob, go to town'.

 

[graceanne]

Theme Park Ride
http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/90bce381.jpg

Redneck Golf Cart
http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/3bfedaab.jpg

Redneck Jet Ski
http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/dbc84585.jpg

Redneck Hot Tub
http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/0a160ad0.jpg

Redneck Church Sign
http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/4b249595.jpg

Redneck ATV Carrier
http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/7def658a.jpg

Redneck Hunting Trip
http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/ca8eebd1.jpg

Redneck Houseboat
http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/e98a552e.jpg

Redneck Limo
http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/rd.jpg

 

[graceanne]

Californians

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose
ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee
beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

7. You can't remember . . .. is pot illegal?

8. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

9. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

10. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks
wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

11. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

12. You can't remember . . ..is pot illegal?

13. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on
every news station: "STORM WATCH."

14. You pass an elementary school playground and the
children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

15. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for
work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

16. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

17. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

18. The Terminator is your governor.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

Both of them are very funny. I would be interested in hearing how you got all the pics though.

 

[graceanne]

Both of them are very funny. I would be interested in hearing how you got all the pics though.

My grandpa emailed them to me. *shrugs*

 

[shy slave]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to
tell them story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Karl
said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time
we
were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when
we
hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a
mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But
we
raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they
hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, 'Don't
count
your chickens before they're hatched'."

That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a
flight
engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail
out
over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and
a
machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss."

 

[Gil_T2]

To all of you:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.Oh, and don't forget this one either!

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day tomorrow....

 

[shy slave]

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough.

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

[graceanne]

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND. These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday bcause he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. Shehad diahre dyrea direathe the s___s.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunay.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda.. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

 

[graceanne]

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/eb036d66.jpg

 

[graceanne]

Sitting in a 3.8 metre sea kayak and watching a four metre great white approach you is a fairly tense experience.

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/bff133f8.jpg

 

[graceanne]

Over Fourty Eye Test . . .

 

[greenmands]

Graceanne: that one about parents was WAY too accurate.

 

[graceanne]

Sadly enough quite often the teachers have no room to talk. I was proof reading a report a friend of mines daughter had written. Her teacher had already proof read it and I had to fix three spelling mistakes he made. (Like she spelled forty as fourty, and he said it was fortie. )

 

[greenmands]

Sadly, it seems the government is doing a good job of dumbing down the next generation.

 

[graceanne]

LIZARD BIRTHING

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something
wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,"

I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.

(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe,
Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for Goodness sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. Ad then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm
picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled
the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

(Personally, I think it serves him right. Lizards lay eggs, you moron.

 

[shy slave]

Cyber sex?

A little boy asks his father how he was made.

His father replied:

Well, one day your mum and I met in a chat room.
We set up a date via email and met in a cyber cafe.
After talking for a while we went to a secluded room where your mum agreed to download from my hard drive
I was just about to upload when we realised neither of us had used a firewall.
But it was too late to hit the delete button

Nine months later a pop-up appeared saying
'You've got male'

Is this the 21st century explanation of 'the birds and bees' or 'we found you under a gooseberry bush?'

 

[graceanne]

A little boy asks his father how he was made.

His father replied:

Well, one day your mum and I met in a chat room.
We set up a date via email and met in a cyber cafe.
After talking for a while we went to a secluded room where your mum agreed to download from my hard drive
I was just about to upload when we realised neither of us had used a firewall.
But it was too late to hit the delete button

Nine months later a pop-up appeared saying
'You've got male'

Is this the 21st century explanation of 'the birds and bees' or 'we found you under a gooseberry bush?'

ROFLMAO