babiesmiles
elfpet
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2004
- Posts
- 1,898
Gil_T2 said:
yay , so true !!!
Now this was really funny
- Thread starter Wizard
- Start date
yay , so true !!!
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with
sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.
See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise
your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if
they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it
"IN".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once
everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions,
switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for
smuggling diamonds".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with
the prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat -
with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and
play tropical sounds all day at work.
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't
rhyme.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't
attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling
name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I
won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the
parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're
loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the
economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of
insanity . . e-mail this to someone to make them
smile and laugh. Its called therapy.
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with
sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.
See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise
your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if
they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it
"IN".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once
everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions,
switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for
smuggling diamonds".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with
the prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat -
with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and
play tropical sounds all day at work.
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't
rhyme.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't
attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling
name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I
won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the
parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're
loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the
economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of
insanity . . e-mail this to someone to make them
smile and laugh. Its called therapy.
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
TIME FOR A TRADE-IN
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading
it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my
finish and my paint job is getting a little dull. But, that's not
the
worst
of it.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once
as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.
My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are
sagging.
Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in
my neighborhood!
Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my
eyes.
Not counting the saddlebags, of course.
I have sooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many
places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser
factored life experiences against depreciation?
My headlights are out of focus and it's expecially hard to see
things
up
close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide
and
skid
and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
....but here's the worst of it..........
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..........
either my radiator leaks......or my exhaust backfires!
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading
it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my
finish and my paint job is getting a little dull. But, that's not
the
worst
of it.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once
as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.
My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are
sagging.
Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in
my neighborhood!
Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my
eyes.
Not counting the saddlebags, of course.
I have sooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many
places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser
factored life experiences against depreciation?
My headlights are out of focus and it's expecially hard to see
things
up
close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide
and
skid
and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
....but here's the worst of it..........
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..........
either my radiator leaks......or my exhaust backfires!
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
Mildred, the church gossip, as well as the self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did NOT approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member of the church of being an alcoholic when she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home... and left it there all night.
You gotta love George.
Several members did NOT approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member of the church of being an alcoholic when she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home... and left it there all night.
You gotta love George.
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
A professor at University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many
people
here believe in Ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in
ghosts, do
any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has
anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any
of
you
ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his
glasses,
and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one
has
ever
claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and
tell
us
about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to
make
his
way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the
professor
asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said
"Goats."
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many
people
here believe in Ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in
ghosts, do
any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has
anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any
of
you
ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his
glasses,
and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one
has
ever
claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and
tell
us
about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to
make
his
way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the
professor
asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said
"Goats."
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking
her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard
heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around
here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!"
her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard
heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around
here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!"
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
Growing Old
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests
came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with
yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor
eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle
of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on
when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great,
but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with
God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!)
the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light
goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests
came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with
yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor
eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle
of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on
when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great,
but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with
God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!)
the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light
goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night
before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they
approached St. Peter. "My fiance' and I really miss the opportunity
to have celebrated our wedding vov ws. Is it possible for people in
heaven to get married?"
St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone
through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it
again."
Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They
approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know
that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem.
You'll have to wait a little bit longer."
Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the
couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your
patience."
The couple got married.
Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that
they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if
their was such a thing as divorce in heaven. St. Peter gave them
a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to
find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll
take to find a lawyer?"
before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they
approached St. Peter. "My fiance' and I really miss the opportunity
to have celebrated our wedding vov ws. Is it possible for people in
heaven to get married?"
St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone
through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it
again."
Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They
approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know
that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem.
You'll have to wait a little bit longer."
Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the
couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your
patience."
The couple got married.
Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that
they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if
their was such a thing as divorce in heaven. St. Peter gave them
a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to
find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll
take to find a lawyer?"
ThorkelGriersen
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 9, 2005
- Posts
- 513
It's a NYC thing.
Don't Look at Those Socks
Tween girl #1: Aren't you gonna wash your hands?
Tween girl #2: I don't need to. I flush with my foot
Tween girl #1: Do you also wipe with your foot?
--Union Square Regal Cinemas ladies' room
----------------------
New Jersey is sponsoring a contest for a new slogan:
Some of our favorites (at least the printable ones):
New Jersey: What's it to you?
We'll tax the #&!@ out of you.
We're not as corrupt as we used to be.
All payoffs gladly accepted here.
It's not as bad as it smells.
And, for anyone who has driven the state's famous Turnpike or the Garden State Parkway: Welcome to New Jersey - expect delays.
Don't Look at Those Socks
Tween girl #1: Aren't you gonna wash your hands?
Tween girl #2: I don't need to. I flush with my foot
Tween girl #1: Do you also wipe with your foot?
--Union Square Regal Cinemas ladies' room
----------------------
New Jersey is sponsoring a contest for a new slogan:
Some of our favorites (at least the printable ones):
New Jersey: What's it to you?
We'll tax the #&!@ out of you.
We're not as corrupt as we used to be.
All payoffs gladly accepted here.
It's not as bad as it smells.
And, for anyone who has driven the state's famous Turnpike or the Garden State Parkway: Welcome to New Jersey - expect delays.
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter--ten men and
one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to
fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a
very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the
rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making
sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter--ten men and
one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to
fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a
very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the
rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making
sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
RJMasters
workaholic
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2004
- Posts
- 4,298
Last edited:
m wisdom
The sun is rising
- Joined
- Apr 17, 2004
- Posts
- 1,632
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
RJMasters
workaholic
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2004
- Posts
- 4,298
graceanne said:
lol that was funny ty.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand, if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
D's mariposa
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2003
- Posts
- 1,152
snowy, showing up for dinner, bringing black and blue cheesecake for dessert and wearing a t-shirt that says "I do my own stunts".
