Now this was really funny

[graceanne]

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the
night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch
on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died
some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't
felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid
down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fools!" And that's when I
shot him, the little bastard.

 

[graceanne]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of
the rascally behavior that was going on.
He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it
out.

So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to
Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on
Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.

He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better
send down a second angel to get another opinion.

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for
a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and
said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are
misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5%
that were good because he wanted to encourage them.
Give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?




No?





I didn't get one either.

 

[greenmands]

snowy, showing up for dinner, bringing black and blue cheesecake for dessert and wearing a t-shirt that says "I do my own stunts".

Where do you buy a t-shirt like that? I want one!

 

[Bandit58]

When a Woman Wears Leather ...

Leather...

When a woman wears leather clothing,

a man's heart beats quicker,

his throat gets dry,

he goes weak in the knees,

and he begins to think irrationally...



Ever wonder why?

.

...

...

.

...

...

...







...

.

...


Because she smells like a new truck.

 

[FurryFury]

Leather...

When a woman wears leather clothing,

a man's heart beats quicker,

his throat gets dry,

he goes weak in the knees,

and he begins to think irrationally...



Ever wonder why?

.

...

...

.

...

...

...







...

.

...


Because she smells like a new truck.

LMAO!

Fury

 

[graceanne]

Advice for the ladies.........decades too late!!


If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section

Buy a dog.


If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you

Buy a dog.


If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it

Buy a dog


If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want

Buy a dog.


If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

Buy a dog.


If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

Buy a dog.


If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually

Buy a dog.


But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...




Then.................






Buy a cat!


(You thought I was talking about a man didn't you?)

 

[Gil_T2]

Advice for the ladies.........decades too late!!


If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section

Buy a dog.


If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you

Buy a dog.


If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it

Buy a dog


If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want

Buy a dog.


If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

Buy a dog.


If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

Buy a dog.


If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually

Buy a dog.


But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...




Then.................






Buy a cat!


(You thought I was talking about a man didn't you?)

Woof, woof, woof & i can lick my own cock, balls & ass too.

 

[graceanne]

Woof, woof, woof & i can lick my own cock, balls & ass too.

Woooooooooooooooh! That was, like, WAY too much information.

 

[Kajira Callista]

ITALIANS



Italians have a $40,000 kitchen, but use the $179 stove from American
Appliance in the basement to cook.



Wonder Bread was for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches only.


There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living
room, front porch and backyard.


The living room is filled with old Bombonieri (they are too pretty
to open) with poofy net bows and stale Almonds.


A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra are in the dining room.



God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat Chef Boy-Are-Dee,
Franco American, Ragu, Prego or anything else in a jar or can. (Tomato
paste is

the exception.)



The following are Italian Holidays:

First weekend in October - Grapes for the Wine

3rd weekend in August - Tomatoes for the Gravy

(Speaking of which, it's GRAVY and not Sauce).



Meatballs are made with Pork, Veal and Beef. We are Italians, we
don't care about cholesterol.



Turkey is served on Thanksgiving, AFTER the manicotti,
gnocchi, lasagna.


If anyone EVER says ES-CAROLE, slap 'em in the face -- it's S'CAROLE.



If they ever say ITALIAN WEDDING SOUP, let the idiot know that there
is no wedding nor is there an Italian in the soup. Also, the tiny meatballs

must be made by hand.



No matter how hard you know you were going to get smacked, you
still came home from church after communion, you stuck half a loaf of
bread in

the gravy pot, snuck out a fried meatball and chow'd down - you'll make
up for it next week at confession.



Sunday dinner was at 2:00. The meal went like this ... Table is
set with everyday dishes... doesn't matter if they d on't match ... they're

clean, what more do you want. All the utensils go on the right side of
the plate and the napkin goes on the left. Put a clean kitchen towel at

Nonna & Papa's plates because they won't use napkins. Homemade wine and
bottles of 7up are on the table.



First course, Antipasto ... change plates.

Next, Macaroni (Nonna called all spaghetti Macaroni) ... change plates.

After that, Roasted Meats, Roasted Potatoes, Overcooked
vegetables...change plates.

THEN and only then (NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL) would you eat
the salad (HOMEMADE OIL &VINEGAR DRESSING ONLY)... change plates.

Next, Fruit & Nuts - in the shell (on paper plates because you ran
out of the other ones).

Coffee (Espresso for Nonna, "Merican" coffee for the rest) with Anisette
(Hard Cookies to dip in the coffee).



The kids go play ... the men go to lay down ... the women clean the kitchen.



Getting screamed at by Mom or Nonna - half the sentence was English, the
other half Italian.



Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but can nail
you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen while you're in the

living room.



Prom Dress that Zia Ceserina made you ... $20.00 for material.
Prom hair-do from Cousin Angela ... $Free. Turning around at prom to see
your

entire family (including Godparents) standing in the back of the gym ...

PRICELESS!


True Italians will love this, those of you married to Italians will
understand this, and those of you who are friends with

Italians will remember and will forward it to their Italian friends.

 

[graceanne]

Why Men Wear Clothes

Early experiences that convince the male to clothe himself.....

 

[graceanne]

and one more reason. . .

 

[chris9]

ITALIANS
(Speaking of which, it's GRAVY and not Sauce).

So is gravy ragù in Italian? (I get a bit confused when mixing two foreign languages...)

 

[chris9]

Early experiences that convince the male to clothe himself.....

Very cute!

 

[shy slave]

KC & Gracie ~ They were funny

Gravy seems to be something that is also called 'brown suace' in some countries, but then I get confused; what do they then call 'brown sauce?'

 

[chris9]

KC & Gracie ~ They were funny

Gravy seems to be something that is also called 'brown suace' in some countries, but then I get confused; what do they then call 'brown sauce?'

I know the American gravy. I'm just wondering how the Italian gravy would be called in Italian.

 

[Miel Sauvage]

sorghum

 

[Kajira Callista]

I know the American gravy. I'm just wondering how the Italian gravy would be called in Italian.

tomato sauce

 

[greenmands]

Never, NEVER! Dry shave portions of you anatomy. It really smarts when you start to sweat and you get funny looks at the office when you start to gyrate.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Don't know if this has been posted anywhere near, but thought I would share.

Catalina

 

[graceanne]

A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some
cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will
happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't
tell me you had a prescription."

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c224/rebecca000/femcentaur_2.jpg
Puke........to scared to put this elsewhere in case someone thought I was endorsing it ......laughs and ewwwwwwwwwww

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c224/rebecca000/anymouthwilldo_1.jpg
Ultimate garden statuary ........shudders.....

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c224/rebecca000/eeek.jpg
Ummn where is Betticus think we found his car.......

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c224/rebecca000/fishaholes_1.jpg
Chowder anyone ?

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c224/rebecca000/afterhrs030.jpg
See I don't really even think this is at all funny .......classic example of 'vanilla' humor......shrugs
yep cleaning up my pic files