Now this was really funny
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@}-}rebecca----
not enough discipline ...
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graceanne said:
Nods.....ahuh....funny huh......smiles
http://www.scarysquirrel.org/hta.html
"When I'm not working the park for handouts, I'm the kind of squirrel who likes taking it slow and easy," says way foxy squirrel Nibbles, "but with winter coming, I'm hoping to get a mouthful of nuts and a warm nest to cuddle in!"
INSIDEYOURMIND
Literotica Guru
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Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheel chair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because she and her fellow residents are one sandwich short of a picnic, they all tolerate each other, some of the males actually join in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. William nodded and said, "Carry on, maam."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable (for his age) erection in his hand. "Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. William nodded and said, "Carry on, maam."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable (for his age) erection in his hand. "Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"
Red Sonja
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Disclaimer: This did not actually happen to me, Red Sonja, however it was emailed to me and I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself...
Hair removal...................
You don't have to be a woman to appreciate this story. I guarantee it will have women (men too) laughing out loud!! All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now . . The Wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think.
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.) I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull.
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire! With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking on my boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind! Blind from the pain! Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums? OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medalist. But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax go, if not on the strip? Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!" And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby." I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet. I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass? Sealed shut. A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to do #2 anytime soon. Your head just might pop off."
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong. I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit. Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So now I'm stuck to the tub.
I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and hoochie are stuck to the tub. She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass - "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now. I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth."
While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off! In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up. I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair i still there.
So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.
Never know, I may want to try it again.........
Hair removal...................
You don't have to be a woman to appreciate this story. I guarantee it will have women (men too) laughing out loud!! All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now . . The Wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think.
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.) I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull.
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire! With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking on my boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind! Blind from the pain! Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums? OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medalist. But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax go, if not on the strip? Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!" And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby." I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet. I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass? Sealed shut. A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to do #2 anytime soon. Your head just might pop off."
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong. I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit. Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So now I'm stuck to the tub.
I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and hoochie are stuck to the tub. She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass - "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now. I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth."
While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off! In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up. I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair i still there.
So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.
Never know, I may want to try it again.........
INSIDEYOURMIND
Literotica Guru
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- Nov 12, 2004
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- 642
Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 11-year-old Little Johnny, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.
The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally." So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"
"Yes, Ma'am," Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."
The madam says, "You've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally." So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run into the madam on the main street. Little Johnny is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Little Johnny, don't you remember me?"
"Yes, Ma'am," Little Johnny stammers, "you're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."
INSIDEYOURMIND
Literotica Guru
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A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her.
The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.
"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened.
So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.
By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl.
One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.
"What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.
"HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there." "No I don't," she responds. "Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."
"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.
"Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says,
"Look, I don't have any teeth down there."
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."
The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.
"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened.
So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.
By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl.
One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.
"What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.
"HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there." "No I don't," she responds. "Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."
"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.
"Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says,
"Look, I don't have any teeth down there."
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."
@}-}rebecca----
not enough discipline ...
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2005
- Posts
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Someone gave me a copy of this years ago I am note sure from where it originated think a few here might appreciate it just the same........smiles 
Last Friday i was seeing A......W/we were gonna scene...(ok ok wont go into that whole mess...it consisted of about 3 minutes before He told me to *do Him* ...rolls eyes).....sooo being the obedient lil subbie i am (hey no laffin ) i started to *do Him* and W/we were on the bed...and HE moved my butt over close to Him and started *playin* while i was *doing Him*...i feel Him put what i thought was a vibe inside me..and HE like played so hard it hurt so i was like OUCH...and pulled away and He's like "oh SHIT!!!" i look at Him...."oh shit what!!??" He holds up 1/3 of one of those cheap vibrating brushes.....ya know the kind you use to just tickle someone's skin....and He has Just the BRUSH in His hand...i look at Him..."Where's the rest!!!???" ...Don't panic HE says..its inside you yet!!!....im like WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now you have to understand i have some ISSUES about a guy looking THERE at me to start with..so now He's got His fingers up inside.... and i can feel Him hitting it and its like pushed up as far as it can go...HE tries for 15-20 minutes to get His finger up and over it to pull it down and cant get His finger over it ..its too far up and its Killing me....so now here i am..spread eagle on the bed....His like got His Face RIGHT THERE........so He's like i cant grab it...do you have any tweezers?? i am starting to PANIC now and im like..maybe we should just call V....He's like NO i can do this...i get the tweezers and im like..DUDE there are like sharp on the edge...He's like don't worry (ok.....NOTE for future..when a Dom says DON'T WORRY....RUNNNNNNNNNN!!)..ill just put two fingers in like THIS....and put the tweezers in between them..you wont feel anything.....20 minutes later..im CRYING and BEGGING Him to call V for advice...im now bleeding from getting poked with the tweezers......and the part inside me keeps getting grabbed by Him and moved a BIT down...and the edges are sharp plastic..so im like OMG!!!!!...so He's like DAMN!! i have almost had it 10 times...but the battery is in my way from grabbing it good!..im like OMFG the battery is in me!!!..He's like get up and walk around...and pee...maybe the pressure will help bring it down..im walking and like crying now cause im getting all crampy.....and im still bleeding....He's like its ok...don't worry...Ok i lost all protocol here and went off on Him......and told Him i was in this MESS because of His stupidity..there are 3 vibes there..and YOU pick the ONE thing that comes apart in the middle to shove up me??!!!!!..He's like Hey...that's not the way to talk to your Master.....im like DUDE....this is NOT THE TIME to pick to try to Dom me....to get THAT idea go NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..i walk for like 10 minutes....and have cramps like HELL.....finally He's like get back on the bed....cause im like pacing back and forth...and STUFF is just SPEWING from my mouth now....He's like your getting out of control..im like when i SHUT up..You will now im out of control...right now im VENTING to keep from KILLING YOU!!!! So its been like an hr now..and the thing it ANYTHING is up further from Him trying to push His finger up over it and pull it down...finally i am just laying there ...spread eagle...cryingggggggggggggggggggggg begginggggggggg Him to call V...and He's like...do you have long nose pliers?? im like WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!.....i was like yea upstairs but ya not going to use THEM!....He's like..if you want me to get this out its going to hurt a but..um going to tie you to the bed...so im like hysterical at this point and all i can think of is im going to have to go to the ER and get this out..im like..OMFG do anything just get it OUT!!!..well....20 minutes later HE got it out with the long nose pliers.....im like bleeding all over the place......and i am like JUST go....just go home...i cant deal with anything else.......
Soooooooooooooooooo ...... do you think i will EVER have another toy that comes apart in the middle???? do you think i have ANY shyness left about a guy looking THERE?? do you think i have ANY curiosities left about fisting.
Last Friday i was seeing A......W/we were gonna scene...(ok ok wont go into that whole mess...it consisted of about 3 minutes before He told me to *do Him* ...rolls eyes).....sooo being the obedient lil subbie i am (hey no laffin ) i started to *do Him* and W/we were on the bed...and HE moved my butt over close to Him and started *playin* while i was *doing Him*...i feel Him put what i thought was a vibe inside me..and HE like played so hard it hurt so i was like OUCH...and pulled away and He's like "oh SHIT!!!" i look at Him...."oh shit what!!??" He holds up 1/3 of one of those cheap vibrating brushes.....ya know the kind you use to just tickle someone's skin....and He has Just the BRUSH in His hand...i look at Him..."Where's the rest!!!???" ...Don't panic HE says..its inside you yet!!!....im like WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now you have to understand i have some ISSUES about a guy looking THERE at me to start with..so now He's got His fingers up inside.... and i can feel Him hitting it and its like pushed up as far as it can go...HE tries for 15-20 minutes to get His finger up and over it to pull it down and cant get His finger over it ..its too far up and its Killing me....so now here i am..spread eagle on the bed....His like got His Face RIGHT THERE........so He's like i cant grab it...do you have any tweezers?? i am starting to PANIC now and im like..maybe we should just call V....He's like NO i can do this...i get the tweezers and im like..DUDE there are like sharp on the edge...He's like don't worry (ok.....NOTE for future..when a Dom says DON'T WORRY....RUNNNNNNNNNN!!)..ill just put two fingers in like THIS....and put the tweezers in between them..you wont feel anything.....20 minutes later..im CRYING and BEGGING Him to call V for advice...im now bleeding from getting poked with the tweezers......and the part inside me keeps getting grabbed by Him and moved a BIT down...and the edges are sharp plastic..so im like OMG!!!!!...so He's like DAMN!! i have almost had it 10 times...but the battery is in my way from grabbing it good!..im like OMFG the battery is in me!!!..He's like get up and walk around...and pee...maybe the pressure will help bring it down..im walking and like crying now cause im getting all crampy.....and im still bleeding....He's like its ok...don't worry...Ok i lost all protocol here and went off on Him......and told Him i was in this MESS because of His stupidity..there are 3 vibes there..and YOU pick the ONE thing that comes apart in the middle to shove up me??!!!!!..He's like Hey...that's not the way to talk to your Master.....im like DUDE....this is NOT THE TIME to pick to try to Dom me....to get THAT idea go NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..i walk for like 10 minutes....and have cramps like HELL.....finally He's like get back on the bed....cause im like pacing back and forth...and STUFF is just SPEWING from my mouth now....He's like your getting out of control..im like when i SHUT up..You will now im out of control...right now im VENTING to keep from KILLING YOU!!!! So its been like an hr now..and the thing it ANYTHING is up further from Him trying to push His finger up over it and pull it down...finally i am just laying there ...spread eagle...cryingggggggggggggggggggggg begginggggggggg Him to call V...and He's like...do you have long nose pliers?? im like WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!.....i was like yea upstairs but ya not going to use THEM!....He's like..if you want me to get this out its going to hurt a but..um going to tie you to the bed...so im like hysterical at this point and all i can think of is im going to have to go to the ER and get this out..im like..OMFG do anything just get it OUT!!!..well....20 minutes later HE got it out with the long nose pliers.....im like bleeding all over the place......and i am like JUST go....just go home...i cant deal with anything else.......
Soooooooooooooooooo ...... do you think i will EVER have another toy that comes apart in the middle???? do you think i have ANY shyness left about a guy looking THERE?? do you think i have ANY curiosities left about fisting.
Last edited:
Kajira Callista
Empty
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so nice she typed it twice? 
TNRkitect2b
Sir Brian
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2003
- Posts
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Proof of Global Warming!!!!!
http://pics.livejournal.com/tnrkitect/pic/0008q19w
The big question is whether the above proof is the "cause" or the "effect" of the warming!
http://pics.livejournal.com/tnrkitect/pic/0008q19w
The big question is whether the above proof is the "cause" or the "effect" of the warming!
@}-}rebecca----
not enough discipline ...
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2005
- Posts
- 13,063
December Horoscope
Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying
it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence
of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying
it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence
of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A
greenmands
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 21, 2005
- Posts
- 1,719
rebecca and Graceanne, thank you both for the laughs.
shy slave
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2004
- Posts
- 8,255
Twisted Christmas
Night before Christmas; Author unknown
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the town
Her pleas could be heard as her panties came down.
"Oh Santa, dear Santa, don't spank me, I pray!
I'll be ever so good, starting right from today!"
But Santa just chuckled, "I've heard that before
From many a girl with bottom so sore
As she wriggles and squirms 'neath his hand's hearty sting.
But a promise like that - why, it means not a thing.
What matters, dear girl, as you'll very soon see
Is that you should be spanked across Santa's broad knee
Till your sassy bare bottom is burning bright red!"
And with that, the old fellow did just as he'd said,
He proceeded to spank her with all of his might
Till her yelps echoed loud in the cold frosty night
And each swat, ringing out like a loud pistol shot,
Turned her soft, round bottom increasingly hot.
Then, when she'd been hand-spanked with many a smack,
The jolly old fellow reached into his sack
He produced a fine paddle of well-seasoned wood.
"Now, this is the thing that makes naughty girls good."
He remarked with a grin. "And I think you'll soon find
How effective it feels on a soft, tender behind!"
"Oh please, Santa! No more!" she cried in dismay,
But the paddle cracked down without further delay,
And despite all her protests and wailings and shrieks
It soon deepened the blush on her squirming, rear cheeks.
Poor Dear how she wriggled but all was vain,
For the paddle descended again and again
Till her bouncing bare bottom was sizzling and sore
And as red as the costume that Santa Claus wore.
But at last he relented allowing her to rise,
Hugged her warmly while wiping the tears from her eyes,
And murmuring, "There, it's all over, my dear!"
Rubbing soothing cool cream on her blazing, hot rear.
Then he exclaimed, "Well Miss, your sweet bottom so curved
Has had the sound spanking it so richly deserve
From now on, I'm sure, I don't need to explain,
If you're good then I shan't have to spank you again.
But if you are naughty - remember, my dear,
That Santa keeps watch for the whole of the year!"
Then smiling, he shouldered his bulging big sack,
And sent her away with a crisp farewell smack.
So she hurried to bed with satisfaction you know,
With a song in her heart and her bottom aglow
And a sense that all manner of things were all right.
But she slept facing down on her tummy that night.
Night before Christmas; Author unknown
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the town
Her pleas could be heard as her panties came down.
"Oh Santa, dear Santa, don't spank me, I pray!
I'll be ever so good, starting right from today!"
But Santa just chuckled, "I've heard that before
From many a girl with bottom so sore
As she wriggles and squirms 'neath his hand's hearty sting.
But a promise like that - why, it means not a thing.
What matters, dear girl, as you'll very soon see
Is that you should be spanked across Santa's broad knee
Till your sassy bare bottom is burning bright red!"
And with that, the old fellow did just as he'd said,
He proceeded to spank her with all of his might
Till her yelps echoed loud in the cold frosty night
And each swat, ringing out like a loud pistol shot,
Turned her soft, round bottom increasingly hot.
Then, when she'd been hand-spanked with many a smack,
The jolly old fellow reached into his sack
He produced a fine paddle of well-seasoned wood.
"Now, this is the thing that makes naughty girls good."
He remarked with a grin. "And I think you'll soon find
How effective it feels on a soft, tender behind!"
"Oh please, Santa! No more!" she cried in dismay,
But the paddle cracked down without further delay,
And despite all her protests and wailings and shrieks
It soon deepened the blush on her squirming, rear cheeks.
Poor Dear how she wriggled but all was vain,
For the paddle descended again and again
Till her bouncing bare bottom was sizzling and sore
And as red as the costume that Santa Claus wore.
But at last he relented allowing her to rise,
Hugged her warmly while wiping the tears from her eyes,
And murmuring, "There, it's all over, my dear!"
Rubbing soothing cool cream on her blazing, hot rear.
Then he exclaimed, "Well Miss, your sweet bottom so curved
Has had the sound spanking it so richly deserve
From now on, I'm sure, I don't need to explain,
If you're good then I shan't have to spank you again.
But if you are naughty - remember, my dear,
That Santa keeps watch for the whole of the year!"
Then smiling, he shouldered his bulging big sack,
And sent her away with a crisp farewell smack.
So she hurried to bed with satisfaction you know,
With a song in her heart and her bottom aglow
And a sense that all manner of things were all right.
But she slept facing down on her tummy that night.
shy slave
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2004
- Posts
- 8,255
The 12 Days Of Christmas
On the 1st day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
A Small Feather Pillow for my knees.
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my
knees.
On the 4th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow
for my knees.
On the 5th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a
Small Feather Pillow for my knees.
On the 6th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS,.4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple
Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.
On the 7th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
7 Crops a Swinging, 6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3
Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.
On the 8th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
8 Floggers Flogging, 7 Crops a Swinging, 6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL
BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather
Pillow for my knees.
On the 9th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
9 Candles Dripping, 8 Floggers Flogging, 7 Crops a Swinging, 6 Tubes
of KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps
and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.
On the 10th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
10 Lords a Whipping, 9 Candles Dripping, 8 Floggers Flogging, 7 Crops
a Swinging, 6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3
Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees
On the 11th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
11 Pairs of Stockings, 10 Lords a Whipping, 9 Candles Dripping, 8
Floggers Flogging, 7 Crops a Swinging, 6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL
BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather
Pillow for my knees.
On the 12th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
12 Orgasms Screaming, 11 Pairs of Stockings, 10 Lords a Whipping, 9
Candles Dripping, 8 Floggers Flogging, 7 Crops a Swinging, 6 Tubes of
KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a
Small Feather Pillow for my knees.
On the 1st day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
A Small Feather Pillow for my knees.
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my
knees.
On the 4th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow
for my knees.
On the 5th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a
Small Feather Pillow for my knees.
On the 6th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS,.4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple
Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.
On the 7th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
7 Crops a Swinging, 6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3
Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.
On the 8th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
8 Floggers Flogging, 7 Crops a Swinging, 6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL
BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather
Pillow for my knees.
On the 9th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
9 Candles Dripping, 8 Floggers Flogging, 7 Crops a Swinging, 6 Tubes
of KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps
and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.
On the 10th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
10 Lords a Whipping, 9 Candles Dripping, 8 Floggers Flogging, 7 Crops
a Swinging, 6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3
Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather Pillow for my knees
On the 11th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
11 Pairs of Stockings, 10 Lords a Whipping, 9 Candles Dripping, 8
Floggers Flogging, 7 Crops a Swinging, 6 Tubes of KY, FIVE ANAL
BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a Small Feather
Pillow for my knees.
On the 12th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
12 Orgasms Screaming, 11 Pairs of Stockings, 10 Lords a Whipping, 9
Candles Dripping, 8 Floggers Flogging, 7 Crops a Swinging, 6 Tubes of
KY, FIVE ANAL BEADS, 4 Ball Gags, 3 Blindfolds, 2 Nipple Clamps and a
Small Feather Pillow for my knees.
AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
- 10,945
From email, thanks babe
http://www.comics.com/comics/pibgorn/archive/images/pibgorn2005112210209.jpg
http://www.comics.com/comics/pibgorn/archive/images/pibgorn2005112210209.jpg
@}-}rebecca----
not enough discipline ...
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2005
- Posts
- 13,063
graceanne said:
Graceanne your Grandpa rocks ......love the cat one.....in fact I have 'borrowed' it.
ohhh need a Volunteer I have a cartoon I am certain I don't want to see posted under my name any brave takers ?
@}-}rebecca----
not enough discipline ...
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2005
- Posts
- 13,063
http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c224/rebecca000/4.jpg http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c224/rebecca000/XMas.jpg Hmmmmmn........
Totally certain 'Pull my reins hard you fat bastard' wasn't a line from Part 3 of the Beauty Series......thinks....then again was it?
AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
- 10,945
What those cookie scarfing junkies really look like
http://wh0rd.org/cookie-monster-abusing-cookie-dough.png
http://wh0rd.org/cookie-monster-abusing-cookie-dough.png
AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
- 10,945
Kajira Callista
Empty
- Joined
- Sep 10, 2003
- Posts
- 19,348
those need to come with a spew alert darlin'
coughchokewipescreen
coughchokewipescreen
@}-}rebecca----
not enough discipline ...
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2005
- Posts
- 13,063
AngelicAssassin said:
Dear Mr Assassin
Respectfully were you born EVIL or is something you have carefully cultivated over time
Kind regards
@}-}rebecca----
