Now this was really funny

[h_i_s]

#21..If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try it like your wife told you to do it?

Printer? i've just backed this one up on BOTH of my hard drives ....

 

[graceanne]

Printer? i've just backed this one up on BOTH of my hard drives ....

Oh it's there, too, but that doesn't help me much. K almost never gets on the computer. (Mostly cause when he does I have to spend HOURS de-bugging the damn thing. He'll click on ANYTHING. grr)

I want it on the fridge where HE'LL see it.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

Oh it's there, too, but that doesn't help me much. K almost never gets on the computer. (Mostly cause when he does I have to spend HOURS de-bugging the damn thing. He'll click on ANYTHING. grr)

I want it on the fridge where HE'LL see it.

You know there is this amazing invention called a pencil, that when combined with this other neat invention known as paper, could be used to write out the quote in however large of letters you want, for proper installation on the fridge.

 

[RJMasters]

Grinz and chuckles

Behavioral problems?

#1...Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

#2..Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is no money in the account?

#3...Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

#4...Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

#5...Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

#6...Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

#7...Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

#8...Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

#9...Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

#10..If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

#11..Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the
bubbles are always white?

#12..Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

#13..Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

#14..Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

#15..Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first
try?

#16..How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

#17..When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

#18..Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

#19..In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

#20..How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

#21..If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try it like your wife told you to do it?

#22..And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

And my FAVORITE......

#23...The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

 

[D's mariposa]

Courtesy of my Master. Obligatory Spew Alert By clicking said link, you hereby absolve me of any responsibility for the link.

 

[shy slave]

You know there is this amazing invention called a pencil, that when combined with this other neat invention known as paper, could be used to write out the quote in however large of letters you want, for proper installation on the fridge.

Hey!

Who let the man from the stone age in here??

We need the modsin here before we all take up writing things down using real pen and paper

Next thing you know TNR will be suggesting we actually speak to people!

 

[TNRkitect2b]

Hey!

Who let the man from the stone age in here??

We need the modsin here before we all take up writing things down using real pen and paper

Next thing you know TNR will be suggesting we actually speak to people!

Well, if you recall, the message was meant for another man... therefore stone age technology would be an effective means of communcation!

And yes, I learned a LONG time ago that the Shy in your name was a misnomer.

 

[shy slave]

Well, if you recall, the message was meant for another man... therefore stone age technology would be an effective means of communcation!

And yes, I learned a LONG time ago that the Shy in your name was a misnomer.

I have to agree with you on your first point (But I wont make a habit of it )

Men usually commicate in stone age methods...

one grunt ~ I know the cave needs decorating

Two grunts ~ I still know the damn cave needs decorating

Three grunts ~ I am off down the pub to carve out a niche for myself by the bar, and talk about the price of stone.

As for the second part of your post.....


I am BLOODY well shy!!!

 

[shy slave]

Courtesy of my Master. Obligatory Spew Alert By clicking said link, you hereby absolve me of any responsibility for the link.

mariposa I loved this.

Strange, but I think I found it funnier than Andante did.

Its his birthday soon, wonder if I should buy him one of these, as he isn't getting any younger

 

[AngelicAssassin]

I am BLOODY well shy!!!

Interesting use of blood ...

 

[D's mariposa]

Shy, I read your three grunts thing to him and he said "Ugh".

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Shy, I read your three grunts thing to him and he said "Ugh".

What's mostly round with a dimple?

 

[D's mariposa]

I'm sure I've got no idea.. **looking ALL innocent**

 

[AngelicAssassin]

I'm sure I've got no idea.. **looking ALL innocent**

neither do i, but i'm sure i could find a place to stuff it ...

 

[Miss Diva]

Apparently this is true

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you must divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH; I SAY AGAIN THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: WE are a lighthouse. Your call.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

Here is a toy for the man in your life....

Click me....

 

[graceanne]

You know there is this amazing invention called a pencil, that when combined with this other neat invention known as paper, could be used to write out the quote in however large of letters you want, for proper installation on the fridge.

I have arthritis in my hands. Writing hurts me so bad I try to avoid doing it. Plus cause my hands hurt so bad you can't read my handwriting.

(Now don't you feel bad?)

 

[graceanne]

mariposa I loved this.

Strange, but I think I found it funnier than Andante did.

Its his birthday soon, wonder if I should buy him one of these, as he isn't getting any younger

Are you TRYING to give him a reason to use that nifty thing he's inventing?

 

[shy slave]

Are you TRYING to give him a reason to use that nifty thing he's inventing?

Did I say something wrong?

I was trying to be helpful, due to his soon-to-be increasing age.

I thought shy, sweet slaves were meant to be helpful


That device TNR posted looks interesting. It seems like a must for every Dom in an LDR.

 

[Andante]

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you must divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH; I SAY AGAIN THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: WE are a lighthouse. Your call.

Oh yes, I remember when this came out It's hilarious, not least because the behaviour of US naval ships in international waters sometimes gives you the impression that their captains substitute basic knowledge of the 'The International Regulations for Avoiding Collisions at Sea' with arrogant manners

 

[INSIDEYOURMIND]

A MAN IS SITTING AT A DINER COUNTER WHEN ANOTHER GUY TAKES THE STOOL NEXT TO HIM. HE NOTICES THAT THE GUY HAS A LONG DUFFLE BAG, AND ASKS WHAT'S INSIDE.
"IT'S MY SNIPER RIFLE" HE SAYS, "I AM A PROFESSIONAL HITMAN."
"NO WAY!" SAYS THE FIRST GUY. "MIND IF I TAKE A LOOK THROUGH YOUR SCOPE? I THINK I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE" THE HITMAN NODS, AND HANDS HIM THE RIFLE.
"THIS IS AMAZING. I CAN SEE RIGHT INTO THE WINDOWS OF MY HOUSE," SAYS THE FIRST GUY. "THERE'S MY WIFE IN THE BEDROOM. AND SHE'S NAKED! WAIT.......THERE'S MY NEIGHBOR! THE BASTARD!, HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE FOR A HIT?"
"FLAT PRICE" SAYS THE SNIPER, "ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS PER SHOT"
"WELL, HERE IS A CHECK FOR $2,000.00", SAYS THE GUY, " I WANT YOU TO SHOOT MY WIFE IN THE HEAD, AND MY NEIGHBOR IN THE DICK, THAT WILL TEACH THEM!"
THE SNIPER TAKES THE RIFLE, AIMS, AND THEN STANDS STILL FOR A FEW MOMENTS.
THE PISSED OFF HUSBAND SAYS "YOU GONNA SHOOT THEM OR WHAT?"
"GIVE ME A MINUTE" SAYS THE HITMAN, "I THINK I CAN SAVE YOU A GRAND!"

 

[INSIDEYOURMIND]

One year at Thanksgiving a mom went to her daughter's house for the traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible her daughter is, the mom decided to play a trick. She told her daughter that she needed something from the store.

When her daughter left, the mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, her daughter pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, the mother exclaimed, "My dear!, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, her daughter started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.

 

[Bandit58]

ANTICIPATION

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
>
.
.
.
.
.
.
<
>
>
>
>
>
>
And then he stuffed the turkey.

 

[INSIDEYOURMIND]

Dear alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine and topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4.officer

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

 

[shy slave]

Shortest Fairy Tale Ever

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?"

The guy said, "NO!"


And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,
camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whoever she pleased and farted whenever she wanted.

THE END