Novice domme needs advice

[Rainbow123]

Hi

I was a regular vanilla woman till 3 weeks ago when I met this guy on a regular dating site. Not my usual 'type'. I usually go for arrogant men, he is quiet and unassuming. Within a few days he told me his late wife had him in permanent chastity, he was her sub and totally devoted. I placed him in a chastity device a week later. It is like the monster within me has been unleashed. The buzz I get from controlling him has me bouncing off the ceiling.

He is vaguely amused by how I have taken to this lifestyle. He says I become more dominant every day. We've established the rules and this isn't just a bedroom thing. It's total but I think he struggles with that as our relationship is so new and he is clearly reluctant to let me take complete control yet.

My problem is knowing how far I can push. Where is the line? Sometimes I feel he pushes me looking for punishment and I could easily flip my lid but having never been able to do that in a relationship before I am concerned it will be too much. Does he want me to? Or does he need to keep some control till we are more established?

For example he still has an account on the dating site tho his profile is hidden. I have told him repeatedly to delete it. He forgets. But he knows this means I will deny him orgasm a bit longer etc. Presumably he is getting off on the punishment? I want to go ballistic at him but I am not sure how he would handle that. How can I tell?

Just how dominant does he need me to be/can he handle? I don't want him to think I am too strict too soon. Though clearly the chastity device shows I mean business.
I have realised I won't be happy till I have him restrained more or less 24/7 for my pleasure and he accepts that. My natural dominance is quite scary to me. I had no idea this was lurking...

 

[Stella_Omega]

You might try unlocking him , putting the toys away, and telling him that you'll play with him when he complies with your request.

There are hundreds of men who are desperate to find you, if he walks-- join fetlife.com and you'll see what I mean!

There are a number of books that might be helpful; if you search for "The Loving Dominant" on Amazon, you will find a number of other recommendations as well

 

[CutieMouse]

The thing about submitting, it that it means actually *submitting*.

If someone was to search several years back in my Lit history, they would discover that at one point a hell of a lot of [IMO good] posts by yours truly went bye bye. Because someone I wanted to submit to didn't want me posting here. I had a choice - Lit or submission.

In hindsight, I should not have deleted a damn thing; however, I'm not convinced he should have asked me to do so. (It smacked of insecurity at the time, and still does.)

Take away the chastity, and explain that you'd prefer the profile completely deleted, if that's what you really want. But don't reward (more chastity/etc) bad behavior (keeping the profile around, but invisible). If he's *that* interested, and wants to submit to you *that* much, he'll understand a rational, adult conversation on the subject, outside of the power dynamic. If he wants to comply, kick ass; if not, someone else will.

 

[VladHarkonnen]

I honestly don't understand his reluctance. He's getting what he wants (and damn lucky for it IMO) If things don't work out he can always put that profile right back up. You could do as has been suggested, certainly not a bad idea. You could also do the direct approach. Put him on his knees and tease him until he's about to explode then put a laptop in front of him and tell him to delete it.

 

[gonewrong]

I think a few weeks is a pretty short time for you to get to know him, him to get to know you and - probably most importantly - for you to get to know and control yourself. I'd say give it time. Expect a learning curve. Watch him, listen to him, experiment a bit, tread softly until you've found your footing. Figure out what makes him tick, what to him is 'play' punishment, and what he'd really really hate done (or not done) to him. He might be playing you as you suspect. Or, he might have a good reason for not wanting to delete the profile; he might be a pig, or he might have been burned before, or just careful by nature. Sure, lying about forgetting to delete it is just about the worst way to handle things, but maybe - just maybe - he doesn't know a better one; some people will avoid conflict at any cost, it's kind of a natural thing to do when stripped of power. So watch him. If he's playing a game - well, men are not very good at hiding their, ah, enthusiasm, are they? If he honestly does want to submit but can't or won't do this particular thing, when confronted about it, there'll be less happy and more guilty, which makes for a more subtle but still telling body language.

 

[njlauren]

Some thoughts on this:

It is really, really cool that you have found the dominant role does something for you, that you want to be his domme, and it is a rush when you are exploring this. I agree with others, be careful, because even though you are the dominant, this is a relationship, and that takes trust and understanding and communication. I don't know the story with him and his ex, but though he is experienced, he is experienced with his wife, someone he probably knew a long time and trusted. As experienced as he is, it is very, very easy to break trust with a new relationship, to do something that suddenly makes the guy balk, or feel hurt or unsafe.

This isn't a criticism of you, it is simply what experience has shown me time and again. You right now are like a kid in a cookie jar, unleashing things inside yourself, finding all these new, neat ways to exert your power, make him submit, but there is another side to that, and I am speaking here as a sub myself. He may be amused, but he may be scared, too, that you are moving too fast, and for example, keeping a profile up might be one of the ways he is reacting to that fear, witholding submission in that case by not following your order and so forth.

I really, really love what others said, that if this is an issue, that a 'timeout' may be in order, where you take off the chastity and it stops being domme and sub and becomes two people talking, sharing, communicating. It isn't a punishment, it is saying to him "we need to talk outside the bounds of the dynamic to see what is going on". Some D/s couples do this routinely, they have a regular time where they are not domme and sub, but simply two people in the relationship freely discussing what is working, what isn't.

I have been where you are with the other side of things, where I was the eager one, introducing this into my vanilla relationship, and it can be really hard, because I was so eager, I had experience in playing, and it ended up causing some issues, my Lady feeling like she was being pushed too fast, me never getting enough....and it was true. It wasn't meanness, just that I was caught up in the euphoria of finding this in my 'real' life....

The guy could be pulling the SAM routine (Smart Assed Masochist), doing something bad to 'get punished', but it could also be that he isn't quite yet fully invested in your relationship, and that is one of the signs.

My biggest piece of advice is to talk about where this is going with him, give him time to process what is going on, tell him what you are thinking, negotiate it. There are few subs in my experience (which isn't a huge world) who are total subs to the point that everything is controlled by the dom, no limits, they obey everything, etc...I think you guys need to talk about it, see where he is, where you are, and work from there.

I have seen some relationships blow up when the dominant went too fast, one couple lost a long term marriage when they switched to D/s, and against advice she pushed into a strong D/s with chastity for him, and then pushed it into cuckolding when the husband was reluctant but wanted to please her, and it blew the marriage apart, which was sad to see, because they were miserable people after the divorce, they were lost without each other (I did hear that they had gotten back several years later, but I don't know if they ever went back to D/s).


Stella gave some great websites links, I love the greenery press lineup (most of which is on Amazon these days) including the Loving Dominant and THe Mistress Manual. Take your time, coaches love the three p's (bad outcomes caused by piss poor planning), and enjoy the ride.

 

[Rainbow123]

Thank you all so much for your replies and fantastic advice.

He was widowed. His wife/mistress was, I think, extremely harsh but clearly he accepted that. But I do understand that built up over ten years. I am sure it didn't start that way . She had him in chastity for 8 years but if he didn't want that again there was no need for him to tell me...

There is no doubt the chastity device hit him hard emotionally though. I made him collect it from the post office with me. He was nervous as hell. But fuck me what a rush when this amazing alpha male looks up at me with total dependence in his eyes when we get sexual. And wakes me up in the night negotiating to have it removed just for ten minutes. (Clearly the answer is no, not yet, and clearly that's what he needs)

I am trying not to rush but, as I am sure you guys will understand, he is driving this by telling me stuff I would never have thought of then 'reluctantly' stating he would have to comply if I introduced that. Clearly these are things he is into so I am exploring these - enforced feminization, restraints, and maid work. In uniform, obviously . And the more it turns him on the more it turns me on. Where is the downside? I am damned if I can see one!

My take on this is there is no grey. He knows this is new to me but he has to know i will be strong enough to give him what he needs. We discuss things but I decide. Bit of a sticking point yesterday as he has signed a confidentiality agreement for a job he is working on and said he said he couldn't discuss it. But we resolved that. He seems to be thriving on it so far. I certainly am.

I think the profile issue is him wanting something to be admonished for. I am happy with that. I will restrain him and release one arm and give him an iPad next time we are alone. Problem solved.

I can see this site is going to be invaluable for me. Thank you all so much.

 

[njlauren]

..........

 

[Stella_Omega]

My take on this is there is no grey....

Bit of a sticking point yesterday as he has signed a confidentiality agreement for a job he is working on and said he said he couldn't discuss it.

It seems that you and he resolved this, but just in case;

The third, or maybe it's the fourth commandment of BDSM;
THOU SHALL NEVER, FUCKING EVER, JEOPARDIZE THY PARTNER'S LIVELIHOOD.

That is some shit nobody in their right mind does. And that is some shit that your sub should know better than to even let you think that somehow maybe you could get away with it. If he didn't draw a line right there, you both are in trouble.

Another of those commandments is BE AN ADULT. And in adult worlds, there are shades of grey. We have to balance our private lives with our public ones, we all have to pay the rent.

I know of one time where the Domme told the sub to quit their job, he would take care of everything-- that sub ended up living in a shelter for six months trying to get some growing up action happening.

 

[CFNM999]

Make sure you baby him a lot ..
mother him a lot ..
treat him like a lil baby ..

call him close to you and tell him " baby , you are no t obeying what am say . come on kneel down .Let me have a look at your tiny cock . "

Make him wear petticoats and panties ..

 

[ecstaticsub]

It seems that you and he resolved this, but just in case;

The third, or maybe it's the fourth commandment of BDSM;
THOU SHALL NEVER, FUCKING EVER, JEOPARDIZE THY PARTNER'S LIVELIHOOD.

That is some shit nobody in their right mind does. And that is some shit that your sub should know better than to even let you think that somehow maybe you could get away with it. If he didn't draw a line right there, you both are in trouble.

Another of those commandments is BE AN ADULT. And in adult worlds, there are shades of grey. We have to balance our private lives with our public ones, we all have to pay the rent.

I know of one time where the Domme told the sub to quit their job, he would take care of everything-- that sub ended up living in a shelter for six months trying to get some growing up action happening.

There are BDSM commandments? What are the other nine?

 

[Rainbow123]

Yes, Stella, we resolved this by me saying he should have said he would tell me but that its in both our interests if he didn't, and trusted me enough to know I wouldn't put him in that position of making him tell me. Which I wouldn't. If that makes sense!

It's a real test though as the job is in the US for 5 weeks and I'll have to remove his chastity device for the flights... I know he won't play around though and my feeling is he'll be keen to go back into lockdown, whatever he says...and the break will do us good - I'm exhausted!

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yes, Stella, we resolved this by me saying he should have said he would tell me but that its in both our interests if he didn't, and trusted me enough to know I wouldn't put him in that position of making him tell me. Which I wouldn't. If that makes sense!

It's a real test though as the job is in the US for 5 weeks and I'll have to remove his chastity device for the flights... I know he won't play around though and my feeling is he'll be keen to go back into lockdown, whatever he says...and the break will do us good - I'm exhausted!

 

[njlauren]

Thank you all so much for your replies and fantastic advice.

He was widowed. His wife/mistress was, I think, extremely harsh but clearly he accepted that. But I do understand that built up over ten years. I am sure it didn't start that way . She had him in chastity for 8 years but if he didn't want that again there was no need for him to tell me...

There is no doubt the chastity device hit him hard emotionally though. I made him collect it from the post office with me. He was nervous as hell. But fuck me what a rush when this amazing alpha male looks up at me with total dependence in his eyes when we get sexual. And wakes me up in the night negotiating to have it removed just for ten minutes. (Clearly the answer is no, not yet, and clearly that's what he needs)

I am trying not to rush but, as I am sure you guys will understand, he is driving this by telling me stuff I would never have thought of then 'reluctantly' stating he would have to comply if I introduced that. Clearly these are things he is into so I am exploring these - enforced feminization, restraints, and maid work. In uniform, obviously . And the more it turns him on the more it turns me on. Where is the downside? I am damned if I can see one!

My take on this is there is no grey. He knows this is new to me but he has to know i will be strong enough to give him what he needs. We discuss things but I decide. Bit of a sticking point yesterday as he has signed a confidentiality agreement for a job he is working on and said he said he couldn't discuss it. But we resolved that. He seems to be thriving on it so far. I certainly am.

I think the profile issue is him wanting something to be admonished for. I am happy with that. I will restrain him and release one arm and give him an iPad next time we are alone. Problem solved.

I can see this site is going to be invaluable for me. Thank you all so much.

Sounds like you are having a ball, which is never a bad thing. He sounds like he had a heavy duty D/s with his wife and is used to pretty advanced things,. and if he trust you you probably can do a lot with him. Still, being mindful of boundaries or pushing limits carefully is never a bad thing IMO. I for one would be interesting to see how this all plays out for you, either on here or via PM, it is neat to see something taking off like this