No Nut 19

[HarperValley]

Day 100: Triple digits, y'all.

wow...I am so impressed...I only ever managed 10 days!!

 

[seela]

wow...I am so impressed...I only ever managed 10 days!!

No need to be so impressed! 100 is just 10 with nothing added to it.

 

[HarperValley]

No need to be so impressed! 100 is just 10 with nothing added to it.

of course...why didn't I spot that!

 

[seela]

Day 101: I haven't kept it a secret that no nut hasn't been much fun recently.

I wasn't going to write about this here first, but for some crazy reason I feel like I have to, because I started this thread to keep me accountable etc.

I tried to end no nut a while back. I decided I've had enough and I'd rather deal with the disappointment of being a quitter than continue no nut. So I went to town and tried until my arm was hurting. Couldn't cum. I got so close, but just couldn't make it happen. Clearly my lady bits know better than my head what's up.

It's happened before too that I haven't been able to cum without a specific permission, so in a sense it wasn't that big a surprise. But it also was, because my frustration with no nut was at all time high then and I felt very at peace with just giving up.

Yesterday: "What if I never let you cum again?"

And my pussy flooded instantly. It went from draught to a flood in a second. I think it tells something about my fucked up head that right now I don't like no nut and kind of resent it, but it still turns me on like nothing else.

 

[PapaRomantic]

Day 101: I haven't kept it a secret that no nut hasn't been much fun recently.

I wasn't going to write about this here first, but for some crazy reason I feel like I have to, because I started this thread to keep me accountable etc.

I tried to end no nut a while back. I decided I've had enough and I'd rather deal with the disappointment of being a quitter than continue no nut. So I went to town and tried until my arm was hurting. Couldn't cum. I got so close, but just couldn't make it happen. Clearly my lady bits know better than my head what's up.

It's happened before too that I haven't been able to cum without a specific permission, so in a sense it wasn't that big a surprise. But it also was, because my frustration with no nut was at all time high then and I felt very at peace with just giving up.

Yesterday: "What if I never let you cum again?"

And my pussy flooded instantly. It went from draught to a flood in a second. I think it tells something about my fucked up head that right now I don't like no nut and kind of resent it, but it still turns me on like nothing else.

The mind games you are playing are so intense right now, and it is simply riveting to read what you write. At the same time, I feel both a little guilty and a lot like a voyeur. I feel guilty because I am enjoying what you are writing but that enjoyment is being fueled by the fact that you are so far into this - much farther than I think I could ever go. Your denial is creating enjoyment, and that makes me feel guilty!

But the voyeur part - I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that. I won't post much on this thread because that's not my style, but I wanted to throw this out - maybe as a quasi-confessional, but also to let you know that the voyeur in me is enjoying this too much!

 

[seela]

Thanks for dropping by, Papa Romantic!

No need to feel guilty, though.

The voyeur thing I totally get. I like peeking into people's heads as well. It's not necessarily sexual for me, but there's a lot of enjoyment in getting to see what makes people tick and to witness something that I have no personal experience of.

I'm not used to being on the other side and share things, so this feels very difficult for me. And I don't think I share all that much. But I'm glad you've enjoyed the thread!

 

[Miles Long]

Wow, Day 101! It will be Day 202 before you know it!

 

[seela]

Wow, Day 101! It will be Day 202 before you know it!

Time sure flies by when you're having fun!

 

[seela]

Day 108: I'm almost a third of the way there. It hasn't been easy, it hasn't been fun recently, but I'm very much getting to a better place now, which is great. Dreams and thoughts have been interesting. I'm really glad I was told that I should keep going when I wanted to stop.

I wonder if I'll develop some actual self-discipline through this and if I'll be able to put it into a good use in the future. The mind boggles.

I'm very out of practice edging it seems. Got my hand and arm all sore doing it again.

Had sushi, it was good. Tomorrow's a day off, thank you Jesus.

 

[SissySalina]

It is nice to know that you can accomplish things that seem impossible. Just doing that will change your mind about things.

 

[cookiecat]

Go seela! Thanks for sharing this stuff.

 

[seela]

It is nice to know that you can accomplish things that seem impossible. Just doing that will change your mind about things.

I don't experience a lot of accomplishments in my life and I'm not an ambitious person career-wise etc. This feels like an accomplishment, and it's such a stupid thing to feel that way about. But there it is.

Go seela! Thanks for sharing this stuff.

Hey you, you haven't been around lately! Nice to see you back.

 

[SissySalina]

You do not have to be ambitious to accomplish things, only complete them to your satisfaction.
It is the small things that count in life, they are what gets people through those times, the big stuff stands out but the small stuff got you there.

 

[twister947]

Wise words, Sis.

 

[seela]

Day 113: Still nutless! It's been a little better again these past days, definite upswing in mood, general attitude towards No Nut, and drippiness, which is nice.

I've been thinking about sexiness a lot recently what with PLP's positive body image campaign on the PG and all. Sexy is not a word I'd ever describe myself with. It's also not a feeling I really recognize. I don't think I've ever in my life actually felt sexy. Pretty, yes occasionally. Aroused, plenty. Horny to the point of practically going a little crazy? That's also a yes.

But never sexy. I think No Nut has gotten me the closest to that. Or orgasm denial in general. After I've gone without an orgasm for a few days, like 10 days or so, I hit a really lovely place where I feel amazing and I'm filled with arousal all the time. It changes me. It makes me softer, more willing to go that extra mile, and I think the softness and readiness shows outside too, somehow. And all that combined translates to as close to sexy as I've ever gotten in my life.

I'd like to experience that again, so I really hope No Nut will deliver despite me being way past that 10 day mark. Or at least I have that to look forward to next year.

I also came into possession of a piece of very un-me-like lingerie today through a weird turn of events. (Well actually all lingerie is un-me-like.) I've sometimes joked that lingerie is a tool of humiliation for me, but that piece of lingerie made me realize that it actually isn't a joke at all. It's true. And that made me a little sad. Sometimes I would like to be a different person.

 

[SissySalina]

Sometimes, all feel like they want to cross that road to get that greener grass, even if just for a little while. Can you really run away from yourself, it's doubtful. Even if you pretend to be something else it is still you underneath. But that does not mean you can't change, there are some things that you can change, small things, but things. You just have to make up your mind that you will not go back and after enough time it becomes you.
A sissy thought!

 

[cascadiabound]

Day 101: I haven't kept it a secret that no nut hasn't been much fun recently.

I wasn't going to write about this here first, but for some crazy reason I feel like I have to, because I started this thread to keep me accountable etc.

I tried to end no nut a while back. I decided I've had enough and I'd rather deal with the disappointment of being a quitter than continue no nut. So I went to town and tried until my arm was hurting. Couldn't cum. I got so close, but just couldn't make it happen. Clearly my lady bits know better than my head what's up.

It's happened before too that I haven't been able to cum without a specific permission, so in a sense it wasn't that big a surprise. But it also was, because my frustration with no nut was at all time high then and I felt very at peace with just giving up.

Yesterday: "What if I never let you cum again?"

And my pussy flooded instantly. It went from draught to a flood in a second. I think it tells something about my fucked up head that right now I don't like no nut and kind of resent it, but it still turns me on like nothing else.

I relate to this.
At this point, I find I really can't cum without permission.

 

[seela]

I relate to this.
At this point, I find I really can't cum without permission.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I truly wasn't given permission to cum, or the person who has been the source of the permissions no longer wants to have the job.

How long would it take for my head to reset? I'm not worried at all about my head never resetting, but it'd probably take a little while.


And I don't think I'd *truly* want to be someone else. But I'd like to change some things about myself and how I react to things. I also have absolutely no will power to do anything like that on my own, so, not gonna happen.


Also: 10 weeks of wearing only matching underwear! Yay!

 

[seela]

Day 115: I miss asking for permission. I miss being told no.

Ok, I also miss being told yes, but in a way I miss being told no even more.

But most of all I just miss asking. The not knowing which way it's going to go or if there might be some stipulations to a yes. The very concrete reminder that I'm not the one who decides, there and then. No can be such a sweet word to hear when everything around me is crazy and I need some grounding. Like now.

This is also a year of no no. No No 19.

Days crawl now.

 

[cookiecat]

Day 113: Still nutless! It's been a little better again these past days, definite upswing in mood, general attitude towards No Nut, and drippiness, which is nice.

I've been thinking about sexiness a lot recently what with PLP's positive body image campaign on the PG and all. Sexy is not a word I'd ever describe myself with. It's also not a feeling I really recognize. I don't think I've ever in my life actually felt sexy. Pretty, yes occasionally. Aroused, plenty. Horny to the point of practically going a little crazy? That's also a yes.

But never sexy. I think No Nut has gotten me the closest to that. Or orgasm denial in general. After I've gone without an orgasm for a few days, like 10 days or so, I hit a really lovely place where I feel amazing and I'm filled with arousal all the time. It changes me. It makes me softer, more willing to go that extra mile, and I think the softness and readiness shows outside too, somehow. And all that combined translates to as close to sexy as I've ever gotten in my life.

I'd like to experience that again, so I really hope No Nut will deliver despite me being way past that 10 day mark. Or at least I have that to look forward to next year.

I also came into possession of a piece of very un-me-like lingerie today through a weird turn of events. (Well actually all lingerie is un-me-like.) I've sometimes joked that lingerie is a tool of humiliation for me, but that piece of lingerie made me realize that it actually isn't a joke at all. It's true. And that made me a little sad. Sometimes I would like to be a different person.

this strikes a deep chord.

When I was online searching (and suppose I'll be back to it one of these months) the number of men who wanted a woman who looked good in stockings and heels was bananas. Maybe it's my age group - the 55+ group? I always joked I'd crawl across the world for the first guy who said he'd love to see me in his shirt as lingerie or thought jeans and flip flops were sexy.

I've never been a girly girl and somehow submission has brought that in to my life. Thinking of myself as submissive, being able to serve someone has made me... sweeter? that softness you describe. Without having someone to serve makes it harder to find that pretty edge. Now it's all hard and walled up edges.

Anyways - an interesting consequence of denial, seela.

Am also wondering about your other comment - not having to ask permission because the answer is always no. Have you discussed this with your person? Would asking - even though you knew the answer - alleviate some of that anguish? What if he said yes??? Or is this not up for negotiation at all?

 

[seela]

this strikes a deep chord.

When I was online searching (and suppose I'll be back to it one of these months) the number of men who wanted a woman who looked good in stockings and heels was bananas. Maybe it's my age group - the 55+ group? I always joked I'd crawl across the world for the first guy who said he'd love to see me in his shirt as lingerie or thought jeans and flip flops were sexy.

I've never been a girly girl and somehow submission has brought that in to my life. Thinking of myself as submissive, being able to serve someone has made me... sweeter? that softness you describe. Without having someone to serve makes it harder to find that pretty edge. Now it's all hard and walled up edges.

Anyways - an interesting consequence of denial, seela.

Am also wondering about your other comment - not having to ask permission because the answer is always no. Have you discussed this with your person? Would asking - even though you knew the answer - alleviate some of that anguish? What if he said yes??? Or is this not up for negotiation at all?

I guess I am relatively feminine in the stereotypical sense. I wear heels almost always, I wear lipstick, I even occasionally wear a dress (used to do so more often, I wonder what changed). But lingerie and absolutely anything sexy is such a sore spot for me. I don't feel like it belongs to me. Like I'm not entitled or allowed or whatever. Sexy just isn't something I am or even could feasibly be. Lingerie and such underline the gap between what it feels like in the inside and what it is *supposed to be* on the outside. It makes me uncomfortable, I look ridiculous. To the point that my awkward makes my partners feel uncomfortable as well and the topic of me "wearing something sexy" is never brought up again. It's happened more than once. I wish it wasn't like that. I would love to wear sexy things and feel great instead of the frumpy soccer mom thing I have going. But it isn't for me.

I feel you on the hard and walled up edges. Very familiar.

Re: asking. I'd die if the answer was yes. I'd probably feel like I've failed and I'm given an out, because I can't handle the task ahead of me. I have asked to be told no when I've had a particularly difficult day. It helps a lot some days.

 

[bone251]

I guess I am relatively feminine in the stereotypical sense. I wear heels almost always, I wear lipstick, I even occasionally wear a dress (used to do so more often, I wonder what changed). But lingerie and absolutely anything sexy is such a sore spot for me. I don't feel like it belongs to me. Like I'm not entitled or allowed or whatever. Sexy just isn't something I am or even could feasibly be. Lingerie and such underline the gap between what it feels like in the inside and what it is *supposed to be* on the outside. It makes me uncomfortable, I look ridiculous. To the point that my awkward makes my partners feel uncomfortable as well and the topic of me "wearing something sexy" is never brought up again. It's happened more than once. I wish it wasn't like that. I would love to wear sexy things and feel great instead of the frumpy soccer mom thing I have going. But it isn't for me.

I feel you on the hard and walled up edges. Very familiar.

Re: asking. I'd die if the answer was yes. I'd probably feel like I've failed and I'm given an out, because I can't handle the task ahead of me. I have asked to be told no when I've had a particularly difficult day. It helps a lot some days.

I think the sexiest thing a girl can ware is nothing but a smile.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I tried to end no nut a while back. I decided I've had enough and I'd rather deal with the disappointment of being a quitter than continue no nut. So I went to town and tried until my arm was hurting. Couldn't cum. I got so close, but just couldn't make it happen. Clearly my lady bits know better than my head what's up.

It's happened before too that I haven't been able to cum without a specific permission, so in a sense it wasn't that big a surprise. But it also was, because my frustration with no nut was at all time high then and I felt very at peace with just giving up.

Yesterday: "What if I never let you cum again?"

And my pussy flooded instantly. It went from draught to a flood in a second. I think it tells something about my fucked up head that right now I don't like no nut and kind of resent it, but it still turns me on like nothing else.

this strikes a deep chord.

[snip]

I've never been a girly girl and somehow submission has brought that in to my life. Thinking of myself as submissive, being able to serve someone has made me... sweeter? that softness you describe. Without having someone to serve makes it harder to find that pretty edge. Now it's all hard and walled up edges.

There is nothing more delightful than knowing you’ve earned someone’s vulnerability. That they trust you enough to share their secrets and what drives them - to give you access to their private places.

I wonder if this isn’t also so with ourselves. When we find ourselves able to embrace who we are, deep down - what we really need - we feel most ourselves. This isn’t easy in this world, with others or ourselves. But when it happens, we feel attractive and relaxed and happy.

I think this is true of the mundane, such as admitting to yourself that you love certain foods or movies or activities that no one else loves, and being just fine with that. But with something as central to identity as submission or dominance, admitting to yourself that you love and need this fills you with a great deal of peace, even if it doesn’t fill you with orgasms.

 

[twister947]

this strikes a deep chord.

When I was online searching (and suppose I'll be back to it one of these months) the number of men who wanted a woman who looked good in stockings and heels was bananas. Maybe it's my age group - the 55+ group? I always joked I'd crawl across the world for the first guy who said he'd love to see me in his shirt as lingerie or thought jeans and flip flops were sexy.

I've never been a girly girl and somehow submission has brought that in to my life. Thinking of myself as submissive, being able to serve someone has made me... sweeter? that softness you describe. Without having someone to serve makes it harder to find that pretty edge. Now it's all hard and walled up edges.

Anyways - an interesting consequence of denial, seela.

Am also wondering about your other comment - not having to ask permission because the answer is always no. Have you discussed this with your person? Would asking - even though you knew the answer - alleviate some of that anguish? What if he said yes??? Or is this not up for negotiation at all?

I was just going through the guest closet, looking for something that I'd lost, when I realized I was into a former gf's stash of my clothes. Thought of you, Cookie. Some of us dig that.

 

[seela]

I think the sexiest thing a girl can ware is nothing but a smile.

Oh man, I fail on that front too. I'm doomed to unsexy!

There is nothing more delightful than knowing you’ve earned someone’s vulnerability. That they trust you enough to share their secrets and what drives them - to give you access to their private places.

I wonder if this isn’t also so with ourselves. When we find ourselves able to embrace who we are, deep down - what we really need - we feel most ourselves. This isn’t easy in this world, with others or ourselves. But when it happens, we feel attractive and relaxed and happy.

I think this is true of the mundane, such as admitting to yourself that you love certain foods or movies or activities that no one else loves, and being just fine with that. But with something as central to identity as submission or dominance, admitting to yourself that you love and need this fills you with a great deal of peace, even if it doesn’t fill you with orgasms.

This is an interesting thought. I've never had a hard time embracing my submissive side or my kinks, at least the vast majority of them. I've also never felt a huge need or pressure to be into the things everybody else likes, be it movies or bands. I've always pretty much just "done me". I think my sense of self-worth and feeling attractive are intrinsically tied with other people and how they value me. That's probably not very healthy.

I guess I might be way more screwed up in my head if I wasn't okay with my personality or submissiveness or the movies I like. There's a thought.