Need advice....

[Lady Pendragon]

I have an issue that most of you will probably pass judgement on, and others will give advice that I will understand and take to heart. To those that want to pass their Holier than thou values, you will be ignored, so just forget it.

I have a lover that has always said he does not wish to have cihldren.

Then I became pregnant.

My problem is this. I knew he didn't want to have children, and due to the fact that I am pregnant I have sworn to him that I will make sure that the father is listed as unknown so that he doens't have to have any contact other than the "friend of mommy" type relationship with the child.

He, though, has stated that he is a honorable man, and he wants to care for the child financially. Even if he didn't want children.

I am a fairly independent woman. I have my own things and hate ever owing anyone anything. I have told him I want him to not pay for the child unless he wants to be a father, otherwise let me take care of mine and mine alone without his help. I have even stated getting legal help to state that I require nothing at all from him.

We both jumped into bed together and made this child, but it was not a purposeful act. I feel guilty that I gave him a child two weeks before he was scheduled to get his vasectomy. There for I wish no financial assistance from him.

So my problem is this. Do I allow him to pay for the child, as he wishes, and just drop the arguement there and feel as if he will look on us as a financial obligation, or do I stand my ground and fight him on the issue of what his paternity and what he should do honorabley or not!

 

[RawHumor]

I'd suggest putting him as the father on the birth certificate and letting him contribute (if only financially) with the early costs, because there will be a LOT of them. He may find that fatherhood appeals to him once he actually sees and holds the baby. He may not. Either way, he IS responsible.

Either way, GUILT is the last thing you should be feeling, unless he's 12 years old or something.

 

[Lady Pendragon]

No, not under twelve. In his thirties.

That is what everyone keeps telling me. "Don't feel guilty, you both got into bed together!"

Ty, that is good advice and I will take it to heart.

 

[PepperminTrish]

RawHumor beat me to it. I was going to say basically the same thing. Good luck to you.

 

[Lady Pendragon]

Ty, Peppermint.

Lady Luck has blessed me so far.

I guess I shouldn't complain, really. I mean most women get these men who don't want children and refuse to contribute no matter what! SO I have to say the Lady of Luck has looked down and smiled apon me so far.

 

[ExLimey]

Is he talking about a monthly child support type payment or just a few bucks here and there when needed or being an integral part of the childs life?

If it's a monthly payment, accept it but put it in a college fund or a savings account and give it to your child when they are of age and let them use it to set themself up or go off to college etc etc (this could be dangerous if it turns out to be a lot of money but you've got plenty of years to raise the child to not blow it on fast cars and cheap men/women! Lol)

If he wants to lavish the child with attention and spend money on them when they spend time together that shouldn't be too much of imposition on you should it?

He could always just start his own "savings" for the child and give it to them as he sees fit when they're old enough to deal with it.

I have a feeling that he may be hurt if you put your foot down and say no way, no how. I think I would be.

 

[Lady Pendragon]

Yes, he said that it hurt when I told him I would talk to my lawyer and get it to where I ask no help from him what-so-ever.

I think he was talking about the monthly thing, and you know that is a really great idea. That way he can't say "Well, you took money from me and spent it." Not that he would. I mean we are very much in love and so that wouldn't be the problem, he is staying in my life.

I would like for him to want to spend time with the child, since I know how valuable a father can be. IF he were to choose that, it would not be an inposition, but a grand thing for me.

I will also say to him about the starting the savings account for our child on his own. That he could do and it would make me feel better than him paying money to me.

Some really great ideas, ExLimey. Thank you very much.

 

[ExLimey]

Every so often I can be helpful. You're welcome.

 

[Weird Harold]

...I have sworn to him that I will make sure that the father is listed as unknown

Financial and paternal responsibilities aside, list the correct father on the birth certificate -- it will matter to the child later in life, and may be be life-saving in some circumstances.

I think the idea of putting any financial support you receive in trust fund is a good one -- whether it's voluntary or court ordered.

The only time a court should get involved in ordering support against your will would be if you take advantage of government assistance programs of some sort. There is no law that says you have to accept support from the father if you don't need or want it, unless you're taking support from the gvernment -- then they will go for restitution from him

 

[plasticman33]

Having sperm fertilize an egg does not make one a loving parent even though genetically the child is half of each. I liked Exlimey's ideas. Who knows, rather than just being a financial responsibility he may accept the child as his own and develop a loving relationship, if you will allow him to.

 

[Lady Pendragon]

No, I am not on government assistance. I keep pretty good care of myself. I have a great job with insurance, and so that isn't a problem. It wouldn't be court ordered, he would volunteer it.

Thank you for your advice. It was very sound, and I do plan on putting the baby's father's name on the cert. I would hate not knowing my father.

 

[Weird Harold]

No, I am not on government assistance.

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you were, only that that's the only circumstance where the courts would necessarily get involved and mandate child support.

 

[Lady Pendragon]

Oh, I understand Harold. Just letting everyone know so that question is answered for further reference.

Plasticman, didn't see your reply at first, but yes, I would love for this man to be a loving father. Secretly that is what I am hoping will happen. I love him very dearly. And I would love for him to love this child as much as I will.

 

[plasticman33]

Oh, I understand Harold. Just letting everyone know so that question is answered for further reference.

Plasticman, didn't see your reply at first, but yes, I would love for this man to be a loving father. Secretly that is what I am hoping will happen. I love him very dearly. And I would love for him to love this child as much as I will.

Then it may be possible, allow him to bond with the infant, you may be surprised.

 

[unclej]

see, this is why i keep hanging around here. when the trolls and idiots sleep late this board is full of people who care and have great insight into many of life's little problems. and they're always willing to help.

lady, i couldn't add anything to what's already been said except my own personal good luck and enjoy the hell out of that baby. they're just like real people you know, just smaller.