My other ethical question.

[Guest]

You have two friends who have been together for several years now. One of the friends confides in you that they are cheating on their lover. You know the other friend is deeply in love and has trusts their lover absolutely and that finding out they had been cheated on would hurt them a great deal.

Would you tell your friend that your other friend was cheating on them?

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Nevah.

 

[Rhys]

You have two friends who have been together for several years now. One of the friends confides in you that they are cheating on their lover. You know the other friend is deeply in love and has trusts their lover absolutely and that finding out they had been cheated on would hurt them a great deal.

Would you tell your friend that your other friend was cheating on them?

No. Never ever get in the middle of a relationship. You may feel a need too from an "ethical" standpoint. But, being the bearer of bad news is worse. You would be the one doing the hurting, and you are the one who will pay for it in the end. Best to leave it the hell alone and let the situation resolve itself.

 

[Fly_On_Wall]

Nope I'd not tell that person directly

I'd try to make my one friend fess up
if they didn't i'd find a way of makeing the other friend descover this but I'd not put myself right in the middle of if.

 

[Angel]

Fuck that. If I'm being cheated on, and a good friend knew and withheld it from me I would be livid.

You had the chance to save me that much more heartbreak and you didn't? Fuck that.

 

[seXieleXie]

i wouldn't tell. i would feel terrible but i wouldn't tell.

 

[Guest]

Rhys


No. Never ever get in the middle of a relationship. You may feel a need too from an "ethical" standpoint. But, being the bearer of bad news is worse. You would be the one doing the hurting, and you are the one who will pay for it in the end. Best to leave it the hell alone and let the situation resolve itself.

So you're saying that your need to avoid a messy situation outweighs what you think would be an 'ethical' action?
Would not telling your friend be unethical?

 

[EthiopianPrince]

I wouldn't tell. I'm like the priest who is confessed to in that situation. But I would urge the friend to stop cheating ASAP. As for the friend being cheated on, they have a right to be angry that I didn't tell them. But I don't see any other option that fits my ethical code.

 

[Rhys]

No...

So you're saying that your need to avoid a messy situation outweighs what you think would be an 'ethical' action?
Would not telling your friend be unethical?

In theory it would be unethical. But, if you noticed, I put "ethical"
in quotes. In practice, I have discovered that trying to convince person one that person two is cheating on them is very damned hard to do, especially since person one is so in love. I look like the bad guy, and my motives become suspect. I have discovered it is better to be a friend and listen when person one finally finds out on their own...because they will, the truth will out.
If I truely care about person one, I will keep my mouth shut. My rationale for this is simply that I have examined my own motives. If I am motivated by true feeling for person one, then I need to be a friend and let the situation develop in its own course. If I am hoping they will break up, and I want person one for myself, then maybe I will tell person one...but I risk looking like this was all self motivated to begin with.

I have actually had this happen and I did tell person one what was going on. Boy was she pissed off at me. She called me every name in the book and refused to see that her husband was cheating on her. He eventually confessed but she treated me like shit for a long time. It destroyed our friendship.

In the end, it will not matter whether it was ethical or not because someone will be hurt no matter what.

 

[Never]

Rys:
“In the end, it will not matter whether it was ethical or not because someone will be hurt no matter what.”

Rys, I believe you’re focusing on what might ‘hurt’ you more than what would hurt your friend.

If you don’t keep quiet and they are angry with you and don’t believe you then you could lose a friend. So telling hurts you the most.

However, if you don’t tell then your friend has been betrayed twice by people they thought they could trust. Also, if you don’t tell you could be risking your friend’s life. What happens if the cheater brings home an STD and your friend becomes ill, would you take any moral responsibility for that?

 

[patient1]

Nope I'd not tell that person directly

I'd try to make my one friend fess up
if they didn't i'd find a way of makeing the other friend descover this but I'd not put myself right in the middle of if.

Good points.
First, I wouldn't lie if I were asked directly.That would make me a co-conspirator. My "friend" is easing their concience at the expense of my own.

Second, the trick is knowing the difference what I have a right to do, and the right thing to do.

Should I fail to convince the tresspasser to confess to my other friend, I'd probably pose a question like this to the victimized friend, to feel out whether they believed one way or the other, then act accordingly.

Third, Why?, is she cheating on me?

 

[Rhys]

I don't dictate moral responsibility

Rys:
“In the end, it will not matter whether it was ethical or not because someone will be hurt no matter what.”

Rys, I believe you’re focusing on what might ‘hurt’ you more than what would hurt your friend.

If you don’t keep quiet and they are angry with you and don’t believe you then you could lose a friend. So telling hurts you the most.

However, if you don’t tell then your friend has been betrayed twice by people they thought they could trust. Also, if you don’t tell you could be risking your friend’s life. What happens if the cheater brings home an STD and your friend becomes ill, would you take any moral responsibility for that?

First of all its RHYS
Second of all, you have changed the scenario by adding the possiblity of an STD. We are focusing on the pure situation of having knowledge of an affair. Not that you do not have a valid point, but this is a digression, and its situational. My question is and probably should have been from the first is How Well Do You Know (or think you know) Person One? How will he/she react if you tell them?

 

[Unclebill]

First, let me acknowledge that it would probably cost me one if not both of the friendships.

My response to the one offering the confidence would be, either you tell within a specified number of hours or I will. I would also make every effort to have both present if it is forced on me to make the disclosure.

The reason is basic; such an action could result in the transmission of a life-threatening disease and the friend being cheated on deserves to know.

What they do with the knowledge is their choice but they need to know they are at potential risk.

Why would I risk losing the friendship(s)? Simple; my personal integrity is worth more. And keeping potentially life-threatening information from a friend is unthinkable.

 

[fgarvb1]

i saw this shoot e'm up rodeo before. i stay the hell out of it.

MYOB is my way. Stick your nose in it and you will wind up the bad guy/gal most of the time.

 

[Never]

Rhys:
“First of all its RHYS
Second of all, you have changed the scenario by adding the possibility of an STD. We are focusing on the pure situation of having knowledge of an affair. Not that you do not have a valid point, but this is a digression, and it’s situational. My question is and probably should have been from the first is How Well Do You Know (or think you know) Person One? How will he/she react if you tell them?”

No, I haven’t changed the scenario. When two people have sex there’s always the possibility of an STD, that’s reality and this scenario is based in reality. I simply brought up a possible consequence of your action, or inaction, that you hadn’t brought up. It’s not a ‘digression’ for me because I, try to, base my actions on how they might affect others.

For me ethics aren’t independent from response and response isn’t something that can be predicted with 100% accuracy so I have to consider all responses.

My answer to your question is that you know the person well enough, you consider them a good friend and you know that they trust you. That doesn’t mean you know if they’ll believe you or not. Or if they’ll get angry with you if you tell or angry if you don’t tell. In real life I don’t think you’d know that until you’d told them.

 

[Never]

fgarvb1:
"MYOB is my way. Stick your nose in it and you will wind up the bad guy/gal most of the time."

So, you should base your actions totally on how others will perceive those actions and if they’ll appreciate them?

 

[Rhys]

And speaking of moral responsibility...

Let's drag the whole hatbox in here and open it:

(its about to get ugly folks...run while you can)

Lets say Person One is female and Person Two is male
P2 is having an affair...with another man

Since somebody mentioned MORAL responsibilty, I offer this challenge. How do you tell P1 without sounding like you are
making a moral judgement...?

See, I don't think you can. I don't think its possible without sounding like a member of the moral majority.

If you can do it...please let me know

 

[Never]

As a lesbian, who does not have a kitty avatar and is not the Queen of Smut and Cum (if you don’t know, don’t ask), I don't really think that anyone will accuse me of being homophobic or part of the Christian moral majority…

However, I think you’ve made a moral judgment if you’re willing to risk your friendships to tell P1 the truth. Whether a moral judgment about telling the truth, trust in a relationship, or sexual preference it will have the same impact. I don’t think that people will rush to consider you part of the ‘moral majority’ simply because the circumstances involve a same sex pairing.

 

[Mensa]

I've lived this one

The right answer is to tell the injured party. In confidence. Finding out on their own can be even uglier.

Trust me, telling is the kindest thing even when the truth hurts.

 

[Rhys]

Ethics and response...

[


For me ethics aren’t independent from response and response isn’t something that can be predicted with 100% accuracy so I have to consider all responses. ]

If ethics aren't independent from response, then you have to consider all responses as being ethically valid?

Ethical issues aside for a moment. In the end, we are dealing with an emotional issue as well. I'm not being heartless when I say I won't get involved. (I had not considered the possiblity of an STD in the original commentary and still consider it outside the boundaries of this discussion because I was not treating it as a reality discussion merely an intellectual exercise) The Emotional issue will override the ethical one at some point in time. I suppose the question is then, what is the point?...you have satisfied an ethical requirement...you told A that B is cheating on them.
Do you feel better? Probably not. (and it can be argued that there is NO True altruism at all...)
Do they feel better knowing the "truth" probably not.
have you accomplished anything? Probably not...because human nature is to continue making the same stupid mistakes over and over.
Ah but you tried...I guess *that* is what matters.
But, before anyone opens their mouths to tell A about B...its time to do a motives check on yourself.

 

[Angel]

Re: I've lived this one

-Double Post-

 

[Angel]

The right answer is to tell the injured party. In confidence. Finding out on their own can be even uglier.

Trust me, telling is the kindest thing even when the truth hurts.

Exactly.


For example.

I am in a relationship.

You are my friend and you know my boyfriend is cheating on me. You don't tell me because you either:

Don't want me to hate you.

You think it's not your business.


Yep, I'd probably be angry with you for a little while. But not nearly as angry as I would be if I found out some other way and found out that you knew all along and kept it from me. What kind of friend lets me go through all of that anguish and heartbreak instead of at least attempting to get me out of the situation? Without attempting to prevent me from getting into it deeper?

And if you think it isn't your business you're wrong. It became your business once you got involved in the secret. It is your responsibility, within the friendship to do the right thing, especially when nobody else is.


I -have- had it happen to me before. And the scenario went both ways. I preferred to have found out right away from my friend, instead of her not telling me and me finding out a year after she did not only that he was playing me for a fool but that she had known all along and kept it from me. It was a DOUBLE betrayal.

 

[sexy-girl]

you tell ... it doesnt matter if you lose both friendships its your duty as a friend to tell even if it means you get a little burnt

you're still not going to suffer as much hurt as your friend and in long time i think any friend would forgive you for being the messenger of bad news but i doubt they would forgive if you kept it secret and they found out

 

[lovetoread]

I would sit my friend down and tell her/him what was going on. How good of a friend are you if you dont? Yes,that friendship may be lost,but you still would have some self-respect for yourself.

 

[Angel]

any friend would forgive you for being the messenger of bad news but i doubt they would forgive if you kept it secret and they found out

Thank you for saying in two lines what it took me an entire paragraph to work into