My first story-- Daddies, whores, and anal

[MsBadChoicesMade]

Okay, so this is my first story and I'm okay with it, although I'm not going for the Nobel Prize. It's pretty simple smut, but and I'm hoping I provided enough detail to make the situation sufficiently filthy, without getting too bogged down in character development (which is wonderful, but not what I was going for here). I'm hoping it's rather like a lady's skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting. Any thoughts you have to improve the mood and develop the situation more, areas that could use expansion or contraction, would be gratefully appreciated.

https://www.literotica.com/s/my-daddy-my-pimp-ch-01-introductions

 

[myindeeds]

My Daddy, My Pimp Ch. 01: Introductions

- The first sentence could be improved although it is difficult for me to write everything I don't like about it. So you are writing in the 1st person "I" directed towards the reader, sigh, OK - the problem is then that I don't think the sentence captures the feel or rhythm of normal human speech. You aren't a big offender, but imagine someone trying to explain what the law is but they get sidetracked by because they read out all the subclauses. The switching of focuses within sentences confuses the thoughts expressed. It's nice that you have tried to include the plot within the first sentence but what you have sounds completely unnatural. Don't over think the first sentence, go with something simple: "Oh shit, Daddy has found my ad . . ." (but in your case write for the past tense).

- You are too adjective heavy. Instead try showing things in action.

-

My name is Helen, I'm finishing up my senior year south of Los Angeles, where I've lived my whole life, and up until a few weeks ago, my life was pretty ordinary. I'm not sure I'm ordinary, mind you, but my life always has been. Honestly, the two most extraordinary things about me are that over the last couple of years, I managed to grow some seriously gravity-defying boobs that look sort of odd on my tiny frame, and that somehow, some way, I managed to squeak by the admissions board at University of California, Berkeley this spring. Don't ask me how, dear readers; it's a mystery even to me.

Woah, you break out into paragraphs of exposition. Most of this information and the exposition of the next paragraphs could easily fit within the dialogue of the last few lines, with a few extra lines of dialogue or it is already there and you need to trust the comprehension of the reader.

- Try not to have internal dialogues, it's tacky. Instead try to find a way to externalise the same expressions whether it be through "loaded" dialogue or physical reactions. If you must you can have her best friend & confidant appear so you can have a secret conversation - but don't do internal dialogues.

- You heard right, a story should be "like a lady's skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting". This story isn't my kink, so bear with me. From what I understand of your BDSM incest themed story, the interesting parts are her emotions, the erotic tension (waiting & expectation), the mental turmoil, the power imbalance of being a vulnerable young woman, the power imbalance of her father being her protector and he is using her for money/sex, that she is obliged to carry out deviant sexual desires, the loss of innocence and etc. The advice does not mean you should write short stories, the advice means you cut out the parts of the story which don't suspensefully develop towards the fun part. And I didn't get a lot of that. What I got was a father who shows up and is a pimp before I realise, then a guy who shows up immediately then sex things are done.

 

[MsBadChoicesMade]

Thanks so much for your thoughts. I've always been a little adjective heavy, and I probably need to work on that. I've never heard that internal dialog is tacky. I'll have to think that over.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Thanks so much for your thoughts. I've always been a little adjective heavy, and I probably need to work on that. I've never heard that internal dialog is tacky. I'll have to think that over.

the internal dialogue comment is entirely subjective. i would caution against allowing anyone to suggest 'rules'.

some people can't abide first-person scenes...

never did jodi piccoult any harm, though, eh?

 

[MsBadChoicesMade]

Part of the problem I ran into was creating realistic dialog that would cover the material that is "exposition" and internal dialog. It didn't seem "true to character" to have her and her father talk at length about how terrific her boobs are. And sticking in another 750 words of dialog with a friend and confidant to introduce such things just seemed forced.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Part of the problem I ran into was creating realistic dialog that would cover the material that is "exposition" and internal dialog. It didn't seem "true to character" to have her and her father talk at length about how terrific her boobs are. And sticking in another 750 words of dialog with a friend and confidant to introduce such things just seemed forced.

gotta go with the muse.

 

[sr71plt]

I've never heard that internal dialog is tacky. I'll have to think that over.

I've never heard that either, and I've worked with publishers for a couple of decades. I think you can safely take that it is as an overstatement and highly personal opinion. Like anything else, internal dialog can be overdone or inappropriately used.

 

[MsBadChoicesMade]

Quick question, though: Are first person stories really irritating to many readers? It's not an annoyance for me (obviously), but I wouldn't mind hearing other opinions on the matter.

 

[sr71plt]

There probably are more third person stories than first person, but first person is natural for erotica, because it is more personal and can show emotions better. I probably use first person more than third myself for erotica.

 

[myindeeds]

...I think you can safely take that it is as an overstatement and highly personal opinion. Like anything else, internal dialog can be overdone or inappropriately used.

Correct. At least I prefaced my comment by saying "Try not to" because the internal dialogue was mostly overdone & inappropriate. If MsBadChoicesMade gave up the crutch of using internal dialogue I think she would become a more expressive writer.

Quick question, though: Are first person stories really irritating to many readers?

Yes & No, it's subjective. The problem with most first person stories for me is that voice of the narrator, when they say "I" did this, alienates me as a reader. It's like reading a 2nd person story where the protagonist says "you stick a banana up your butt and sing Yankee doodle" and I'm like WTF. It's story immersion breaking when forced and/or not making sense.

Before you say anything: Catcher and the Rye, Great Gatsby, To Kill a Mockingbird, Moby Dick and many other great stories demonstrate that 1st person stories can be amazing. My problem is when 1st person stories aren't done masterfully.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Quick question, though: Are first person stories really irritating to many readers? It's not an annoyance for me (obviously), but I wouldn't mind hearing other opinions on the matter.

it's a matter of taste, really. i haven't had bad comments on first-person pieces i've done because of the POV.

present tense, however...

that one did garner a few comments.

 

[lovecraft68]

Quick question, though: Are first person stories really irritating to many readers? It's not an annoyance for me (obviously), but I wouldn't mind hearing other opinions on the matter.

First person seems to work well for erotica because the reader can really put themselves into the action as "I".

I think number of characters factors in as well. If you are just dealing with two characters first person is easy, you're just conversing with one person. If you get into multiple characters and want other POV's then first can be hard to follow so third is much better.

Most of my stuff on here is first person, but the more serious things I've done off site was third person because there were a lot of characters and I was head hopping in some scenes.