Anybody want to critique my first story so far?

[Astrotrain]

I bashed out a few chapters of my first story, then I had to deal with a health crisis so I had to leave it for a few months. Now I'm looking to get started again and finish it but I seem to have come down with a bad case of imposter syndrome. I mean, I've never really written anything before. Could I get an opinion from you experienced writers? It's a femdom orgasm denial story, so I don't know if you'll get anything out of it if you're not into that. Here's what I've written so far:

Chapter Zero

That's a prologue with no erotic action, it just contains background information on the characters. I have an author's note on it telling people to skip to chapter 1 if they just want to get into the action. (Which you can do as well, I guess). Here's the rest of the story:

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

I'd be interested to know what you all think, if there's any edits you think I should make. Any input would be most welcome.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I'm new to Literotica myself (and I'm not the right person to critique a fetish story).

Have you thought about looking for a Volunteer Editor? I'm thinking about it myself, for one of my stories that I think needs some work.

I did look at Chapter Zero, and if I was workshopping it, I'd say: you don't need this to be published. It's not part of the story, it's stuff you, the author, have to know. Any parts that the reader needs should be exposition in the story. You might want to read "How to Be a Happy Hooker", which explains why the first paragraph of a story has to immediately get the reader's attention. In Zero, you actually admit that nobody will be that interested ....

Literotica has some pretty good resources: https://www.literotica.com/resources/writer-resources

-Annie

 

[ElectricBlue]

That's a prologue with no erotic action, it just contains background information on the characters. I have an author's note on it telling people to skip to chapter 1 if they just want to get into the action. (Which you can do as well, I guess). Here's the rest of the story:

If you have an author's note saying, "Don't bother reading this prologue if you don't want to," you know it's not necessary to the story, so why have it there at all?

With "background information" you're asking readers to remember all this stuff about characters we've not even met yet, you're asking us to remember what's important (and most likely, none of it is).

Stories should start with the first scene of the story - if the background is in fact so important, you should have started the story earlier.

 

[Astrotrain]

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, maybe the prologue was a mistake, I just couldn't think of a good way to weave in all the background information into the story without boring people. Ironically enough, the prologue actually got higher ratings than the first chapter. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, maybe the prologue was a mistake, I just couldn't think of a good way to weave in all the background information into the story without boring people. Ironically enough, the prologue actually got higher ratings than the first chapter. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I can't speak for your story. In mine ... if I can't weave it into the story, it isn't part of the story and I can leave it out completely.

-Annie

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, maybe the prologue was a mistake, I just couldn't think of a good way to weave in all the background information into the story without boring people.

If the background material is boring, that's another good reason to leave it out. Irrelevant plus boring... why on earth is it there at all?

Ironically enough, the prologue actually got higher ratings than the first chapter. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

That's nearly always the way. If the first chapter (prologue, call it what you will) gets a thousand views, the next will get five-hundred, and the third, maybe three-hundred if you're lucky. They're the people reading your story. You know, the ones who haven't died of boredom yet . Make sure chapter four restores their pulse back to where it should be!

 

[LustyLucy77]

Not my usual genre, but it is definitely a fun story line! I read the chapters first and personally don’t think it needs the prologue, which I read after. I felt like I gleaned enough info in the main story to understand the characters and the family dynamic.

Looking forward to some blasphemy and punishment in the next chapter