MORE TOP TEN/FIVE LISTS! (the horror...the horror...)

[Roland Gilliad]

Top Ten things To Say To Someone When Your Late,

10. Better Late than Pregnant..

9. (This is a Chant, used by my buds)
me: one two three four, open up the fucking door!
Them: Five six Seven Eight, Why are you so fucking late?

8.Look at it this way, I could have not come at all...

7.But I was Busy Arranging you Long Stem Roses! (or tickets to the big game for guys, Note: Do Not Use this unless you intend to make good on it.)

6. Ding Dong, Asshole(or bitch) Calling, Avon Couldnt make it!

5.It Could Be Worse, I Could have been EARLY!

4.So What? This way, We Can Get to it quicker!

3.WHAT!!!! My Watch Must have stopped!! I am Soooooooooo Sorry!! Let me Help You And Make up for it!

2.Im Not late! You Specificly Said (Time you arrived) on the nose!! I remember it Perfectly!

1.Im Sorry, I will NEVER be That late Again. (Next time, Be one minute LESS late than the last time, unless it's someone who's really important, or has no sense of humor.)


I thought this was pretty funny....

Top Five People Who Should be Casterated For The Good Of Mankind.

5.Richard Simmons

4.Martha Stuart

3.The Rev. Jesse Jackson

2.George Bush

1.Marlyn Manson (Not sure thats spelled right..)

I Also Thought this was funny....

Top five reasons NOT To Lose Wieght

5. "Round Is a Good Look For you!"

4."If you ever Win your Weight in somthing, you'll get a whole lot More!"

3."The Garfield Workout HIGHLY Opposes Dieting!"

2."Who are you trying to impress? You Sit at a COMPUTER all Day!"

1."You Look Sexyer As a Big Guy..." (This one doesnt apply to girls..Sorry. *LOL*)

Anymore?

 

[Ambrosious]

Top ten ways to tell he's a stupid criminal:

1) He took public transportation to and from his bank robbery.

2) He is using his seeing eye dog as a look-out.

3) Instead of a cherry pie, she shoplifted yeast, flour, eggs, and a jar of cherries.

4) You caught him driving a stolen car with "The Club" still on.

5) He tries to convince you that he thought crack was a breakfast cereal.

6) He responds to your use of verbal force with a bunch of "Yo'momma" oneliners.

7) He makes himself laugh every time he says he's innocent.

8) He claims diplomatic immunity because he's a citizen of the Republic of Texas.

9) He asks the judge for a senior citizen discount on his 7-year sentence.

10) He left footprints and a bloody glove at the crime scene.

Top Ten Warning Signs That Your Relationship With Your K-9 Partner Is Getting Too Intimate

1) Lunch usually consists of a pizza topped with one half meatballs and the other half kibble.

2) You demand your K-9 buddy get a locker, too.

3) In case there's an emergency, you carry a wee-wee pad wherever you go.

4) You get a kick out of asking him how his day was and he always answers "ruff."

5) He is the only one who laughs at your jokes.

6) Out of habit, you start scratching your spouse's belly during tender moments.

7) For Christmas you knit a little doggy uniform and buy doggy boots to keep his paws warm and dry.

8) For Valentine's Day you fill a heart-shaped box with doggy treats.

9) At training class, you pass him love notes under the desk.

10) You want to have his puppies.

Top Ten Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation

1) He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.

2) He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.

3) He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.

4) He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop."

5) He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.

6) He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.

7) He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.

8) The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.

9) Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.

10) He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.