More Humour

[Handley_Page]

Oral Sex Survey ... 5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked 'best' about oral sex:

3% liked the warmth,

4% enjoyed the sensation,

93% appreciated the silence.

 

[Bubo_bubo]

Oral Sex Survey ... 5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked 'best' about oral sex:

3% liked the warmth,

4% enjoyed the sensation,

93% appreciated the silence.

Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

 

[Handley_Page]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day...

 

[Bubo_bubo]

Why did President Putin help Mother Russia off her knees?
He wanted to screw her in a different position.

 

[Handley_Page]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

[TadOverdon]

It looks like this is old, but I just found it.

 

[Handley_Page]

- - Scary Psychological Test

Read this question, come up with an answer, and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right - including me.


A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, She believed him to be her dream and she fell in love with him right there but did not ask for his number and no matter how hard she tried she could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.



Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?



Have a very careful think about it.
[scroll down]







Answer:
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.



PS: If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly - good for you.

 

[Bubo_bubo]

- - Scary Psychological Test

Read this question, come up with an answer, and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right - including me.


A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, She believed him to be her dream and she fell in love with him right there but did not ask for his number and no matter how hard she tried she could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.



Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?



Have a very careful think about it.
[scroll down]







Answer:
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.



PS: If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly - good for you.

The 'killing the sister' solution to the 'finding the hot stranger' problem seems highly inefficient.
I mean, by and large three types of people come to funerals
A - People that personally know the deceased
B - People that have some emotional connection to the deceased (but might not personally know them), most often admiration, but others are possible like hatred.
C - People that know one or more close relatives of the deceased and are there to support/comfort them in their loss.

There is of course overlap between these categories (especially A & C) but that's the grist of it.

If she tried hard to find him, then that would most probably mean the handsome stranger does not belong to category C, because she would have asked the other family members about him, yet they would not have known him.

That would leave categories A and B (and especially those in those categories that do not belong to category C). But the people in those categories (as concerns the mother's funeral) are very unlikely to show up at the sister's funeral since they would lack the connection to the sister that they had to the mother.

I might hope that we have a better class of psychopaths than that who would choose suboptimal murder solutions.

(Also snopes calls it false: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/sister-act/)

(I know, it's posted in humour. So take this reply in the same vein).

 

[Handley_Page]

Little Patrick asked for a bike for his birthday.
His dad said “We would get you one but our mortgage is 80,000 and your mum has lost her job.”
Next day, Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed and his dad asked “Where are you going son?”
Patrick replied, “I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum that you were pulling out. Then I heard mum tell you to wait because she was coming too so I am not staying here on my own with an 80,000 pound mortgage and no ****ing bike.”

 

[HectorBidon]

Joe Bob Briggs is a drive-in movie critic whose column used to run in our local paper. It turns out he has also hosted several late-night B-movie shows on cable TV. Here, for your edification, is a collection of some of the jokes he told on those shows.

 

[Handley_Page]

The Sermon I think this Mum will never forget... this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...'

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mum, what is butt dust?'

 

[BobbyBrandt]

In the last few decades, mankind has witnessed an unprecedented number of diseases that have crossed the species barrier. These diseases have included:

Swine flu, Chicken Pox, Monkey Pox, Hoof and Mouth disease, Bird flu, Mad Cow disease, Camel Toe...

 

[Handley_Page]

A suicide bomber blows himself up and flys off to paradise.

he arrives at the gates and sees an angel on guard. I want to come and see mohamad he says.

Come in says the angel go up that steep flight of stairs.

thats good he thinks mohamad is more important than an angel. he climbs the stairs and is a bit breathless when he comes to another guard.

I am st Peter the guard says,I want to see mohamad says our bomber.St peter says climb this steep stairway he is up there,he climbs for over an hour but keeps saying mohamad must be more important than st Peter so he struggles on.

He comes to a set of gates and a older man is there.I am god says the old man take a seat and rest. I must see mohamed he must be more powerful than you if he is beyond these gates, everyone I have seen so far keeps sending me higher.

I want to see mohamed and claim my 72 virgins.I will call him to see you says god.

He turns towards a small side door and shouts loudly.

"Mohamad, get your arse inhere and bring my tea or I will kick you down the stairs.

 

[Handley_Page]

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.....



A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at the Bank, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:-

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

 

[Candy_Kane54]

Nowadays, everyone says that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

Back in the day, it was called practice. Apparently no one does that anymore ...

 

[Zenith77]

A frog walks into a bank and up to the teller, whose name plaque states she's Patricia Whak.

"I'd like a loan, please."

Patricia leans over the counter to see who has spoken. "I'm sorry," she says, surprised, "we don't give loans to frogs."

"That's ok, my dad knows the bank manager," the frog replies. He taps his nose. "My dad's Mick Jagger."

"Hmph," says Patty, "well, I'll need some form of collateral."

Very seriously, the frog places a small pink, plastic sea horse on the edge of the counter.

Patricia shrugs, picks up the seahorse, and walks into the manager's office.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, sir, but there's a frog outside who wants a loan. He says you know his dad. Also," and she holds up the pink seahorse, "he's given me this. What is it?"

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whak. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

 

[Zootonius]

At the end of every day, the doctor would go to his favorite bar and order a daiquiri with a pecan in it. One day the bartender was out of pecans, so used a hickory nut.

"Hey! This isn't my usual!" the doc said.

"It's a hickory daiquiri, doc!"

 

[Zootonius]

City slicker goes to a pig farm to but a pig. The farmer tells him, "We sell 'em by the pound." He takes pig's tail and puts it in his mouth. "That one weighs about 120 pounds."

City slicker: "What! you can't weigh a pig like that!"

Farmer: "Sure you can. Let me show you. Hey son, come here and weigh this pig."

Son put the pig's tail in his mouth, "Oh, 120 pounds."

City slicker: "You're pulling something on me."

Farmer: "No, listen my wife will weigh it. Okay? Son, go get your Ma."

Son goes into the house and come back alone.

Farmer: "Hey, told you to get your Ma!"

Son: "Can't come right now, Pa. She's weighing the mailman."

 

[Handley_Page]

Things are bad at home.

She says she's sick of me!

Football, Rugby,Cricket, always Sport on the Telly.

Anyway, I booked a quiet table for two last night to try and patch things up.

By 9 o clock things were 10 times worse!!











She hadn't potted a single red........

 

[Candy_Kane54]

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

In A Shoe Repair Store:

"We will heel you.

We will save your sole.

We will even dye for you."

On a Blinds and Curtain Truck:

"Blind man driving."

Over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:

"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for:

You've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck.

"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck.

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank Heaven for little grills."

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

And when I worked for a Charter Airplane company:

“Tell us where to go … and we’ll get you there!"

And the best one for last …

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises."

 

[TarnishedPenny]

The Easter Bunny was not amused. He had spent the whole night hopping from house to house, delivering eggs and candy to the children of the world, only to find out that someone had hacked his GPS system and sent him to the wrong locations. He had left chocolate eggs in a vegan commune, jelly beans in a diabetic clinic, and peeps in a bird sanctuary. He had also been chased by dogs, cats, and one particularly angry llama. He was tired, sore, and covered in spit and feathers. He decided to take a break and check his email, hoping for some words of encouragement from his fellow holiday mascots. Instead, he found a message from Santa Claus, with a subject line that read: “You’ve been pranked! Happy April Fools’ Day!”

From author John Scalzi’s blog ‘Whatever’. https://whatever.scalzi.com/

 

[12oclocktales]

The plane's about to crash and a woman stands up and yells, "We're all going to die! I wanna die feeling like a woman! Is there a man here who can make me feel like a woman?
Guy stands up and takes off his shirt. "Here! Iron this!

 

[12oclocktales]

A man and a woman, unknown to each other, are assigned to the same sleeping car on the train. They decide to make the best of it with him taking the top bunk. In the middle of the night he leans over and says to her, "It's really cold in here. Would you mind getting me an extra blanket?"
She says, "I've got a better idea. How about just for tonight we make believe we're a married couple."
His eyes pop open wide and he says, "Sure, that'll be great!"
She says, "Good. Get your own fucking blanket!"

 

[Emilymcplugger]

Today at the Old Bailey a man was found guilty of bigamy.

The judge handed down the maximum sentence. Two mother-in-laws.

 

[Handley_Page]

The Buttocks



A married couple were in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So his wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. ‘How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'