More Humour

[12oclocktales]

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief Hellos, and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average circumference. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

"Geronimo Kawalski, nice to meet you."

 

[Handley_Page]

After having their 11th child, a "Mancunian couple" decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Mancunian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in parts of Birmingham, Essex, inner London, Newcastle, anywhere in Wales and parts of Glasgow.

 

[jehoram]

It's been a long time since the last post. To bump it, I'll re-post something that came up here a few years ago:

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[Handley_Page]

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me to sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks.......And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

 

[jehoram]

What's the difference between Jello and a Jewish Princess?

Jello moves when you eat it.

 

[Handley_Page]

Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone’s yard. The driver says, “That is great. My wife and I do that position every night.”

The passenger replies,

“My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”

The driver says, “Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set.”

The next morning they’re cruising along and the driver asks,

“How was it?”

The passenger answers, “It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks.”

The driver looks at him funny and says,

“Ten drinks?”

The passenger says,

“Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took eight more to get her out on the front lawn!”

 

[MediocreAuthor]

3 newly married agnostic couples all decide that they want to check out religion.
They all head to the local Catholic church. They say to the priest: "We'd like to join your congregation."

"Are you folks Catholic?"

"No."

"Are you religious?"

"No."

"Are you willing to convert?"

"Not really, we just wanted to 'church it up with you' you know, get in on the fun. She what makes y'all tick."

"It seems like your try to waste my time."

"No sir, Mr Priest. We're serious about this. We'll do whatever you require."

The priest thinks for a moment, and finally says, "This is a bit unorthodox, but I suppose if you could all practice a month of celibacy, I'll allow you to join without converting."

All three couples grumble about that a bit, but they agree.

One month later, they return.

"Welcome back. Did you succeed?"

The first two couples nod, but the husband of the third couple shakes his head.

"You didn't make it?"

"No sir, Mr Priest. We almost did... And we would have too, if it hadn't been for that DAMN BISCUIT!"

The priest looks confused. "Biscuit?"

The man nods. "Yesterday morning, my wife and I were eating breakfast. She got up to get a drink and she knocked her biscuit off the table. She bent over to pick it up, and I saw straight up her short skirt and got a look at her panties. I couldn't resist myself. I was so horny, I ripped off her panties and fucked her right there."

The priest scowls. "Sir, you disgust me. You can't control your fleshly urges? You my friend, are not welcome in the Catholic church."

The husband shrugs. "Yeah, well... We're not exactly welcome in Hardee's anymore either."

 

[Handley_Page]

Young Irish lad goes to confession.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is the nature of this sin, my son?”

“Father, I had sex with a young woman.”

“Oh dear,” the priest said. “That’s terrible. Was it with Margaret O’Toole?”
The young man paused before replying. “Father, what sort of gentleman would answer that?”

“Patrick, I insist. Was it Sally Finnegan?”

“No, Father. Please, don’t push this. I’m not going to tell you.”

“Patrick O’Rourke! This is not only about your sin and your soul; it’s also about hers. Now, be honest. Was it Mary McMichael?”

“No. I won’t tell you, Father.”

“I am very disappointed in you, Patrick. You are to do 100 Hail Mary’s and you are barred from Mass for four weeks.”

“Yes, Father.”

The man then leaves the church and is greeted by a friend of his.

“Well, Paddy,” his friend asks. “What did you get?”

He grinned. “Three good leads and a month’s vacation!

 

[jehoram]

I think I've told this one before, but here it is again:

A minister, much beloved by his congregation dies, and finds himself in a long line waiting to get into heaven. He waits for hours and hours. Just as he's reaching the end of it, a guy with a stethoscope and white lab coat and one of those head-band mirrors cuts into the line and is admitted promptly.

The minister finally is at the Pearly Gate, and says in an exasperated tone to Saint Peter, "Look, I've been waiting in this line for three hours. I've been toiling in the service of the Lord all my life, and you just let this doctor cut in line in front of me!"

"Oh, that's not a doctor," Saint Peter replies. "That's God. He just thinks He's a doctor."

 

[Handley_Page]

A king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the King and the Queen went fishing.

On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm." The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the King continued on his way.

However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the King returned to the palace, and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.

I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that...it will rain."

So the King hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this day!

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Why do women like cunnilingus?
He’s paying attention!

Why do men like fellatio?
S i l e n c e…

 

[Handley_Page]

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead

Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was holding the first one's hand

Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

What's green and has wheels.

Grass.
(I lied about the wheels)

 

[Handley_Page]

A woman went to a customer service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in
front a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to
the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he
can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again,
the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!"

And doing so draws and even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads: "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES
PINCHED WHEN I'm being SCREWED!!"

 

[imusis]

Every Friday night after work Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.


But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent they were forbidden to eat meat on Friday.


The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholics that they finally talked to their priest.


The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'


Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.


The neighbors called the priest and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him he saw Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the meat on the grill, chanting: “You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

 

[Handley_Page]

Oral Sex as therapy



A woman was in a coma and she had been for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area
and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she
touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small
recognizable movement.

They went to the husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma".

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat- lined, no pulse, no heart rate at all.

The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said "I'm not sure, maybe she choked.

 

[imusis]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions existing in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.


With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


> This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then Number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.


The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY A

 

[Handley_Page]

Two women go out on a girls night out, walking home they are both dying for a sh1t so they jump over a wall into a cemetery to relieve themselves. 'Course, there’s no toilet paper, so one wipes on her knickers and throws them away. The other one tears a ribbon from a wreath and uses that.

Next day the two husbands are talking. The first says "I'm really worried about my wife, she came home with no knickers last night..

The other said "You're worried? Mine came home with a card stuck up her arse!" "It said `from all the guys at the fire station, we'll never forget you'.

 

[imusis]

A guy walked out to 5th Avenue and caught a cab just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Guy: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab…things happened like that to Frank Feldman all the time.”

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could’ve won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He had the voice of an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me – I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to get through traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate and shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died several years ago and I married his fucking wife."

 

[Cagivagurl]

A student asked his English professor, “What is the definition of a dilemma?"

The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that. Imagine that you are lying in bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other ... who are you going to turn your back on?"

Roll the beautiful woman into the centre space. Dilemma solved, the naked couple have each other, the gay man will at least have a warm body to snuggle against....
Dilemma.... What dilemma???????

 

[Candy_Kane54]

Three nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates after long and productive careers and meet with Saint Peter.

Saint Peter tells the nuns that they may enter Heaven if they can answer a question based on their faith.

He asks the first nun, "Who was the first man?"

She answers, "Adam, of course."

A trumpet fanfare rings out and the Pearly gates swing open and Saint Peter motions for her to enter.

Once the gates swing shut, Saint Peter turns to the second nun and asks, "Who was the first woman?"

She answers, "Eve, of course!"

Again a trumpet fanfare rings out and the Pearly gates swing open and Saint Peter motions for her to enter.

After the gates swing shut, Saint Peter turns to the third nun and asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

The nun, who had been expecting an easy question like the previous two, was taken aback as the answer to that question was never brought up in any of her religious training. After pondering for a bit, she says, "That's pretty hard."

And for the third time a trumpet fanfare rings out and the Pearly gates swing open ...

 

[Handley_Page]

Paddy phones for an ambulance after his mate gets hit by a car. operator asks where the accident is. Paddy says he's outside 23 Eucalyptus Rd, operator asks how do you spell that ? The line goes dead for about 5 minutes and the operator starts getting worried, when Paddy comes back on the phone puffing and says sorry about the delay I've dragged him to 3 Oak St !

 

[12oclocktales]

The Russian government once ordered one million condoms, each a foot long, from an Ohio manufacturing company in order to frighten the Americans over just what kind of men they were up against. The company didn’t know whether to fill the order or not, so called in the F.B.I. After consulting with Washington they were told to go ahead and fill the order, but to mark every box with the word “Medium.”

 

[Handley_Page]

Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone’s yard. The driver says, “That is great. My wife and I do that position every night.”

The passenger replies,

“My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”

The driver says, “Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set.”

The next morning they’re cruising along and the driver asks,

“How was it?”

The passenger answers, “It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks.”

The driver looks at him funny and says,

“Ten drinks?”

The passenger says,

“Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took eight more to get her out on the front lawn!”

 

[imusis]

A homeless man showed up at a winery asking for a job application. He was dirty and reeked of alcohol. He insisted the owner give him a chance by doing a wine tasting. After some arguing the owner gave in and asked his assistant to bring a sample of wine. The homeless man swirled it around in the glass and smelled it. He then took a sip and said, “Obviously red. Merlot. The grapes were not grown at this location; they were grown at a higher sea level. Aged in an oak barrel but not for long—I’d say for about a year.”


Impressed, the owner allowed him to sample another glass. And then another and another, each time the homeless man was spot on! But “he must be doing this to get some free booze” thought the owner, “I’ll show him!” The owner whispered something to his assistant and gave her a wink. A moment later she brought out a glass of urine.


The homeless man swirled it around, took a sniff, then drank it. “She’s about 5’2”. Black hair. 8 days pregnant and if I don’t get this job I’m going to tell everyone who the father is!”