More Humour

[Handley_Page]

[Dedicated to all former Service folks ].


A Veteran bought two cases of beer on sale and placed them on the front seat of his car and headed back home. He stopped at a service station to get fuel and a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on his passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in bartering so would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

The Veteran thought for a few seconds and asked, .... "What kind of beer have you got?''

 

[imusis]

My wife phoned me at the pub and said "if you're not home in 10 minutes, I'm giving your dinner to the dog".

I was home in 5 minutes. I really love that dog.

 

[Handley_Page]

The Buttocks



A married couple were in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So his wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. ‘How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

 

[john-the-author]

Oral Sex as therapy



A woman was in a coma and she had been for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area
and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she
touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small
recognizable movement.

They went to the husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma".

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat- lined, no pulse, no heart rate at all.

The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said "I'm not sure, maybe she choked.

Out-STANDINGLY bad taste! (I'm going to pass this on right now.)

 

[imusis]

An Australian woman took out a personal advert to find herself a man who’s never slept with a woman before.


She finally got a reply from a man who’s spent his entire life in the outback. They met and hit it off immediately and, after a brief engagement, they got married.


On the wedding night, she walked into the bedroom to find her new husband standing in the middle of the room, totally naked, with all the furniture from the room piled into one corner.


“What happened?” she asked.


“I’ve never been with a woman,” he said, “but if it’s anything like being with a kangaroo I’m going to need all the room I can get.”

 

[Handley_Page]

Any Tea in the pot please ?

 

[TxRad]

Wrong thread HP.

 

[Rustyoznail]

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close refrigerator.

Q. It’s the lions birthday and he invites everyone in the jungle. Everyone turns up but one animal, what animal is it and why?

A. The giraffe, he’s in the refrigerator.

Q. Sally is an explorer. She is walking through a jungle when suddenly she comes across a crocodile infested river. There are no bridges over it. Sally swims over and is not bitten by a single crocodile. How?

A. All the crocodiles are at the lions party.

Q. Sally dies anyway, why?

A. She is hit in the head by a brick.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Giraffe!

 

[StillStunned]

A few years ago scientists conducted about the sexual habits of dogs. Someone thought they should include not only the usual observational data, but the dogs' own perspective as well.

So they asked a hundred dogs what kind of sex they liked best. Surprisingly, there was one answer that kept coming up again and again.

"Rough."

 

[Zootonius]

Old Vaudeville joke,

Guy goes to a theater manager with a dog, "I got a talking dog act!"

"I don't need no talking dog act."

"No, listen! What's it like to sit on sandpaper?"
"Ruuugh!"

"I said, I don't need any..."

"Wait! What's on the top of a house?"
"Roooof!"

"Look, pal..."

"No, listen! Who's the greatest baseball player ever?"
"Ruuuuth!"

"That's it!" and the manager grabs him by the collar and throws him out the back door.

As the guy collects himself, the dogs says "DiMaggio?"

 

[12oclocktales]

A boy sees two dogs locked in intercourse and is watching them, fascinated. His father comes along and is embarrassed by the spectacle, but tries to make an instructive lesson for the boy out of it.

“You know, son,” he says, “what you have here is the real lesson of the Good Samaritan. The dog on top is sick, and the dog on bottom is helping to carry him home.”

The boy looks at the dad and says, “I guess you’re right. But it’s funny how every time you try to help somebody you always get fucked.”

 

[imusis]

The mother of the bride and her daughter were packing for her honeymoon night.


The daughter asked her mother to pack her black nightgown. The mother looked everywhere but couldn’t find it.


Time was running short so she grabbed her daughter’s pink negligee from the laundry hamper and stuffed it into the suitcase.


After the wedding, the newlyweds went to their hotel room.


The groom was very shy so he asked his bride to change in one corner of the room and promise not to peek as he changed in another.


Agreeing, the bride went to her corner, opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in.


“Oh my God," she yelled, "it's short, pink and wrinkled!"


The groom turned around and shouted, “Honey, you promised not to look!"

 

[Candy_Kane54]

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charles, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes sir, I know, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said: ‘Good morning General, can I get your coffee sir?’"

 

[ruddygore]

Farmer Jones was out looking at his cattle on day and said, "The herd's a starting to look right poorly. Guess I need to get some new blood for the herd. I'm gona get me a new bull."

He already has three bulls who overheard him.

The first bull says, "Half of these fifty cows are mine. And I'm not sharing with anybody."

Second one says, "I got fifteen of them and they are mine. Nobody else's, but mine."

Third bull says, "There's only six of the cows that will even talk to me. But I ain't giving up what I got. No way, No how, and no when."

Couple of weeks later a trailer back up to the cattle yard, drops the tailgate, and the biggest bull you ever seen comes out. He stand there splay-footed and does not look through the fence, he looks over the fence. Snorting and shaking his head.

The three bulls look at him, and the first one says. "I have reconsidered. Sharing is the neighborly thing to do and I think I can spare a couple of cows for him."

Second bull says, "If I got sent to a new herd I would surely appreciate it if they could find a way to share a little. Think I can manage that."

Third bull doesn't say anything. He just busts out of his stall, starts roaring, bellowing, and just carrying on.

The first two bulls go, "What in the hell are you doing? Are you crazy?"

"Listen. You two know I'm a bull. I know I'm a bull. I want to make sure HE knows I'm a bull."

 

[Zootonius]

Old man faces the judge for his sentence and finds out he's been given 50 years.

"But judge, I won't live that long!"

"Well, just serve as many as you can, then."

 

[Candy_Kane54]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[Trionyx]

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

An oldie but a goodie.

 

[Candy_Kane54]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

[joy_of_cooking]

"They usually saluted and said: ‘Good morning General, can I get your coffee sir?’"

Reminds me of this old story, which I think I first saw in a Reader's Digest:

I was once on a US military ship, having breakfast in the wardroom (officers lounge) when the Operations Officer (OPS) walks in. This guy was the definition of NOT a morning person; he’s still half asleep, bleary eyed… basically a zombie with a bagel. He sits down across from me to eat his bagel and is just barely conscious. My back is to the outboard side of the ship, and the morning sun is blazing in one of the portholes putting a big bright-a** circle of light right on his barely conscious face. He’s squinting and chewing and basically just remembering how to be alive for today. It’s painful to watch.

But then zombie-OPS stops chewing, slowly picks up the phone, and dials the bridge. In his well-known I’m-still-totally-asleep voice, he says ‘heeeey. It’s OPS. Could you… shift our barpat… yeah, one six five. Thanks.’ And puts the phone down. And then he just sits there. Squinting. Waiting.

And then, ever so slowly, I realize that that big blazing spot of sun has begun to slide off the zombie’s face and onto the wall behind him. After a moment it clears his face and he blinks slowly a few times and the brilliant beauty of what I’ve just witnessed begins to overwhelm me. By ordering the bridge to adjust the ship’s back-and-forth patrol by about 15 degrees, he’s changed our course just enough to reposition the sun off of his face. He’s literally just redirected thousands of tons of steel and hundreds of people so that he could get the sun out of his eyes while he eats his bagel. I am in awe.

He slowly picks up his bagel and for a moment I’m terrified at the thought that his own genius may escape him, that he may never appreciate the epic brilliance of his laziness (since he’s not going to wake up for another hour). But between his next bites he pauses, looks at me, and gives me the faintest, sly grin, before returning to gnaw slowly on his zombie bagel.

I got the text here: https://yellowhammernews.com/read-o...response-whats-laziest-thing-youve-ever-done/

 

[imusis]

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.


They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.


The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”


The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.


The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.


They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.


Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.


The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Son, go get your mother.”

 

[Handley_Page]

On one of his visits to London, Charles de Gaulle asked Winston Churchill if the Waterloo Railway Station might be renamed in view of the post war alliance between France and Great Britain.

"Certainly," said Sir Winston, "would you prefer 'London-Agincourt', or 'London-Crécy'?"

 

[Candy_Kane54]

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."

 

[Handley_Page]

Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone’s yard. The driver says, “That is great. My wife and I do that position every night.”

The passenger replies,

“My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”

The driver says, “Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set.”

The next morning they’re cruising along and the driver asks,

“How was it?”

The passenger answers, “It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks.”

The driver looks at him funny and says,

“Ten drinks?”

The passenger says,

“Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took eight more to get her out on the front lawn!”

 

[Candy_Kane54]

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.

“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.

I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.

They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.

I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’

Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”

Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.

Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian.

“Try these on,” she said.

Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.

“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian.

“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”