More Humour

[labeltornoff]

I find this incredibly funny. None of my friends do.

A pilgrim once asked to see the Dali Lama. He was told he must first spend five years in contemplation.

After the five years, he was ushered into the Dali Lama's presence, who said, "Oh, my son, what do you wish to know?"

The pilgrim said, "I wish to know the meaning of life, Father."

The Dali Lama smiled and said, "Oh, my son, life is like a beanstalk. Isn't it?"

 

[Handley_Page]

An attractive young lady travelling to the "far east" stowed away on board a ship. After a week or so, she was discovered and taken to the Captain, he was surprised to find her well fed and neat and tidy.
The Captain asked her who amongst the crew had been helping her.

She confessed that she had been to the Second Officers cabin every day for a shower and a meal, the Captain then asked "what did he want in return?, to which she replied , I suppose you might say he took advantage of me",

" I"ll say he did" said the captain, "as you are on the Liverpool to Birkenhead ferry !!.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I find this incredibly funny. None of my friends do.

A pilgrim once asked to see the Dali Lama. He was told he must first spend five years in contemplation.

After the five years, he was ushered into the Dali Lama's presence, who said, "Oh, my son, what do you wish to know?"

The pilgrim said, "I wish to know the meaning of life, Father."

The Dali Lama smiled and said, "Oh, my son, life is like a beanstalk. Isn't it?"

Hm, I'm not getting this one. Can anyone help?

 

[oggbashan]

Hm, I'm not getting this one. Can anyone help?

That IS the point. You serve five years to get a meaningless answer.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

That IS the point. You serve five years to get a meaningless answer.

Guess the joke was on me, then. I much prefer the story about the Zen Buddist monk who became a hot dog vendor in New York City.

For three dollars, he will make you one with everything.

 

[labeltornoff]

Guess the joke was on me, then. I much prefer the story about the Zen Buddist monk who became a hot dog vendor in New York City.

For three dollars, he will make you one with everything.

The sad truth is the joke's on all of us.

I like your joke.

 

[labeltornoff]

If someone says 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

 

[Handley_Page]

If someone says 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

A Government agency takes it ?

 

[Handley_Page]

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of urine!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

 

[jehoram]

Guess the joke was on me, then. I much prefer the story about the Zen Buddist monk who became a hot dog vendor in New York City.

For three dollars, he will make you one with everything.

But if you give him a five-dollar bill and ask for change, he'll say "Change... must come from within."

 

[oggbashan]

Hp's story post #3561 above, is why Australian soldiers fought so well in WW1, WW2 and Vietnam.

They saw being in the army as a quiet life. Killing Turks, Italians, Germans, Japanese and Vietcong was too easy. Kangaroos are much more difficult to hit.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Three men are challenging each other's aim by shooting an apple on someone's head.

The first man fires his pistol from 20 metres, hits the apple.

"I'm James bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow from 30 metres, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang from 40 metres, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorry." He said.

 

[Handley_Page]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!


Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

[jehoram]

This one has probably been posted before, but what the hell.

At a brewer's convention, the representative from Guiness found himself seated at lunch with the representatives for Coors, Miller, and Busch. The waiter came to take their orders for drinks.

"I'll have a Coors Light!" says the Coors guy.

"Give me a Miller Light!" the Miller guy says.

"Give me a Bud Light!" adds the Busch guy.

"I'll have a Coke, please," the Guinness rep says.

After the waiter left, the others asked the Guinness rep why he ordered a Coke.

"Well," the rep replied, "If none of you was having beer, I wasn't going to, either."

 

[Handley_Page]

Young Irish lad goes to confession.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is the nature of this sin, my son?”

“Father, I had sex with a young woman.”

“Oh dear,” the priest said. “That’s terrible. Was it with Margaret O’Toole?”
The young man paused before replying. “Father, what sort of gentleman would answer that?”

“Patrick, I insist. Was it Sally Finnegan?”

“No, Father. Please, don’t push this. I’m not going to tell you.”

“Patrick O’Rourke! This is not only about your sin and your soul; it’s also about hers. Now, be honest. Was it Mary McMichael?”

“No. I won’t tell you, Father.”

“I am very disappointed in you, Patrick. You are to do 100 Hail Mary’s and you are barred from Mass for four weeks.”

“Yes, Father.”

The man then leaves the church and is greeted by a friend of his.

“Well, Paddy,” his friend asks. “What did you get?”

He grinned. “Three good leads and a month’s vacation!

 

[Sammael Bard]

Happy New Year, y'all!

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter.

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks down to see a 6'4 300lb guy and says "Well, I don't think I can do that. What's the other two parts?"

"After that, you have to go outside. Around back is where we keep Big Jim's dog. He's the baddest junkyard dog you've ever seen. You have to go get a tooth out of his mouth. And then, when you're done with that you have to go upstairs. There you'll find Big Jim's mom. She's 70 years old and never had an orgasm in her life. You've gotta go up there and fuck her to completion."

The man says "Wow, I can see why the jar is so full."

After a few hours of drinking the man get sloppy drunk and says "Fuck it," slaps down a $100 and jumps up on the bar and runs down and kicks Big Jim square in the jaw knocking him out cold. The bartender is stunned, as this is the furthest anyone has made it.

The man runs outside to the cheers of the patrons and everyone hears snarling and growling and grows silent. Then they hear the dog whimper and then yelp, then nothing.

Moments later, the man drunkenly stumbles back in and says "Alright, now where's the old lady with the tooth?"

 

[Handley_Page]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur, would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would have perplexed even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody; the princess, the prostitutes, priests, the wise men, and the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high as the witch was famous for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price; the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified, she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like a sewer and often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and to have to endure such a burden.

Gawain upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question.

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd been a witch, half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self. And the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would,he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament.
During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments.

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've
made your own choice.
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Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of the story?

The moral is that it doesn't matter if a woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb. Underneath it all, she's still . . . . . a witch!!!

 

[BuckyDuckman]

The moral is that it doesn't matter if a woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb. Underneath it all, she's still . . . . . a witch!!!

Ha ha ha!

Reminds me of the old joke about the wealthy man who has been seeing a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Due to a clause in his grandfather's will, he is forced to choose a bride. Fact is, he enjoys the company of each woman equally.

After much thought, he comes up with a plan. Individually, he gives each woman one million dollars to do with as they wish while he's gone for the next year traveling the world. In one year's time, he would return and announce which woman he wished to marry.

He returns and meets first with the blonde. She has gone from being beautiful to becoming an absolute knock-out. She reveals how she spent his gift to improve everything about her looks. "An important man like you deserves the most beautiful woman in the world on his arm, so I had my teeth whitened, I hired a trainer and toned my body, I hired the greatest, most experienced prostitutes to teach me the best ways to pleasure a man, and I took up sword swallowing so I no longer have a gag reflex."

Impressed, the man spent the night with her and discovered she was truly amazing in bed.

The next day, he met with the brunette. While no other woman could match the looks of the blonde, the brunette was still a remarkably attractive woman. More importantly, within minutes of reuniting with her, she had him laughing. Then she suggested they go golfing. Teeing up at the same tees as him, she matches up against him hole-for-hole and it's all he can do to win by a single stroke. She smiles and explains how she took golf lessons. She explains how she hired the best comedians to teach her comedy so she could always make him laugh. As if that wasn't enough, she leads him into a spa where she gives him the most amazing massage, complete with a very happy ending. "I also learned the art of massage."

Very impressed, he realizes she is truly an amazing woman.

The next day, he meets with the redhead. A knock-out like the other two, she strides confidently into his office, stares confidently in his eyes, and offers him a firm handshake. Sitting across from him, she opens a briefcase and hands him a check for one-million dollars. "Your money," she says, handing over the check before reaching into her case for a second check. "And the interest it earned in my trust."

Pulling out her laptop, she spins it around to show him an amazing portfolio of investments. What's more, she has done some research into his dearly departed grandfather's holdings and was filled with suggestions on how to improve them.

"I spent the year learning the ins-and-outs of business," she explains. "You deserve to have an equal partner and I plan on being that for you." To seal the deal, she drops to her knees and gives him an amazing blowjob.

The question remains the same . . . which woman did he marry?

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Easy! The one with the biggest tits, of course!

 

[Handley_Page]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,
fatty."

 

[Candy_Kane54]

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher) After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa .They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

 

[Handley_Page]

"One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.


And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and Members of Parliament."

 

[EdEc]

A music publisher was having a few cocktails while seated at a piano bar. The pianist started playing a lovely ballad. All talking in the room stopped as all of the partons listened to the lovely melody. When the song ended there was a stiffing round of applause and many people approached the piano to put $10 bills into the tip jar. The publisher introduced himself to the pianist and asked if he could meet the composer of that song. The pianist said that he wrote the song and he plays it once every evening because the patrons always leave generous tips. The publisher said that if he could sell sheet music and recordings of the song the pianist would become a very wealthy man. The pianist replied that other publishers had approached him with the same story, but none of them wanted to publish the song after they heard the title. The publisher asked the name of the song and was told "I Love You So Fucking Much I Could Shit".

 

[Handley_Page]

The other day a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently 'HD' was the wrong answer.


Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men.

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

My husband had to have an examination yesterday and the guy stuck his finger up his ass. Then he twirled it around and around for a bit. When he got home he told me he didn't think that was normal, so I told him if he was that concerned then he should find a different optometrist...

 

[moreandmore]

Two women were fighting for the last available seat on the bus. No amount of reasoning was helping the bus driver resolve the issue. In desperation he grabbed his training manual and then announced 'The policy is to allow the seat to go to the ugliest one.' Both women stood for the remainder of the trip.