More Humour

[Handley_Page]

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when
she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.
Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger
pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to pig out.

She ate...and ate ... and then ... she ate some more!!!

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny
front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had eaten far too much and could not get off the ground.
Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation she looked around and
spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She'd found a solution!!

She realized if she could just climb up that handle and jump off to become
airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...

Dead Fly....

What is the moral of this sad story?

"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of sh*t."

 

[Sammael Bard]

A man's left testicle turns blue. Doctor says he isn't sure but recommends amputation and assures the guy that he won't miss it. Guy has the surgery and is ok with the results. But a few weeks later the other testicle turns blue. The doctor explains the side effects of having no balls but what is he to do? Figures having no balls is better than death. Guy has the surgery and all is well.

Well a few weeks later his penis turns blue. So back to the doctors and says that he understands that the alternative is death but is curious as to how he will pee. And the doctor explains they'll install a piece of PVC pipe and a valve to control the flow. So the guy has the surgery and no longer has dick and balls.

A few weeks later the guy shows up a few weeks later upset that even the PVC pipe was blue. The doctors just kind of stares at it and says "hmmmm, must've been the jeans."

 

[Handley_Page]

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:


1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart Attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer Fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

6. The French eat foie-Gras, full fat cheese and Drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[Dingo_Triplesix]

Said the urologist to his new customer: "As I am gay and as both of my arms are amputated, you may find my examination method a tad weird..."

 

[Dingo_Triplesix]

A man and his son come home at night, bawling and staggering and completely drunk. The man's wife is waiting in the hallway, baseball bat in hand. "Where have you been? And where is the monthly wage you got today?" she asks.

"We went to the pub and spent half on booze," the man says, belching.

"Yeah, and then we went to the whorehouse and spent the other half on the girls," the son adds with a giggle.

"Oh, thank God!" the woman smiles and puts the bat away. "I was afraid you had squandered it all for no good reason."

 

[Handley_Page]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids told their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"





"Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

 

[Dingo_Triplesix]

A farmer lived with his beautiful daughter and seven servants in a remote valley. All the servants were after the daughter, so he had to guard her constantly.

But one day he just had to go to town for errands. He built a wooden box in which he locked the daughter, with a big knothole right in front of the pussy. Inside was a small guillotine. So he drove into town with peace of mind.

When he returned in the evening, six servants had tried their luck, been emasculated, and fled.

He said to the seventh servant: "I am proud of you, my son! You have conquered carnality, I will make you heir to the farm, and you will have my daughter as your wife!"

The servant said, "´hat's fine, bu´ wi´ I al´o ge´ my tong´ back?"

 

[Handley_Page]

OK, another talking dog story.

In the old days of vaudeville, a guy goes to an impresario with his dog. The impresario says, "Well, let's see your act."

The guys says to his dog, "Say, Sport, yesterday was, well, what's the word..."

"Rough! Rough! Rough!" barks the dog.

"That's the word! It all started with when I fell off... what's the word?

"Roof!" barks the dog. "Roof! Roof! Roof!"

"Yeah. It would have been a disaster but for the fact that my neighbor came by... What was his name?"

"Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!"

The impresario interrupts them. He says, "That's enough! That's the worst act I've ever seen! Get out of my sight!" And he throws the guy and his dog out of his office.

So the guy says to the dog, "Well, Sport. I guess we're finished in vaudeville."

And the dog says, "How about if I asked the questions next time?"

 

[Demiurging]

A drunk, a smoker, and a gay man stand before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter says, "You're being given one more chance at life, go back to Earth and sin no more."

All three are walking down the road and they come across a bar. The drunk thinks he might as well enjoy life so goes inside and immediately falls dead.

The other two continue walking and they come across a fresh pack of smokes on the ground. The smoker thinks he might as well enjoy life and so he bends over to grab the smokes; both men fall dead.

 

[Handley_Page]

Paddy took his chainsaw back into B&Q and says to the bloke in dungarees
"You told me this chainsaw would cut one hundred trees down in a day, well today its only cut fifty."
So the bloke gets the chainsaw and pulls the start up cord and it goes 'brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr', and Paddy says
"Whats that bloody noise?"

 

[jehoram]

OK, another talking dog story.

In the old days of vaudeville, a guy goes to an impresario with his dog. The impresario says, "Well, let's see your act."

True story: when the Smothers Brothers started doing their act, Tommy was the straight man and Dick was the weird one. It didn't work. But when they switched roles, their career took off.

 

[Dingo_Triplesix]

Three vampires went into a bar. The first one said to the barman: "One glass of blood, please", and got his drink. The second also said: "One glass of blood, please" and was served promptly.

The third one ordered: "One glass of hot water, please."

The other ones stared at him. "Water? Are you crazy? You are a vampire!"

"Yeah, but I feel a little sick today." He pulled out a used tampon. "I need a tea now..."

 

[Handley_Page]

The old ones are the best:


Servicemen posted to foreign parts used to travel by RAF transport. Those posted to the Far East went “down the Route” and it was quite a trip. At times, it wasn’t much fun for the crew either.

After a particularly spooky run into Singapore , with a failed Air Conditioner, record high temperatures and tempers frayed, the Pilot managed to put the blighter down in roughly the right spot and said to his mate “What I need now is a cold beer and a hot woman.”

Unfortunately for him the intercom was still on and this understandable emotion was heard by the hoard of passengers, who roared with laughter. As a very flustered young Airwoman sped up the gangway to the Cockpit, she was stopped by a smiling Sergeant:

“Got the cold beer, love?”

 

[Dingo_Triplesix]

An US patrol at the Canadian border, two men following the border line through the forest. Suddently, they see a suicide, hanging on a tree, just some yards at the American side.

"Oh no!" one of the men said. "We have to take him down, carry him back to the station and then fill in endless forms. Do you know how much work this will be?"

"Let´s take him down and hang him on a tree at the Canadian side." the other one proposed. "Better, our colleagues deal with it."

So they shifted the body fifty yards to the north and went away, quite satisfied with the solution.

Half an hour later a Canadian patrol came. They saw the suicide swinging and one of the men said: "Shit! He´s back!"

 

[Dingo_Triplesix]

Question:
Suddenly you find yourself in a speeding red fire truck with sirens wailing. The vehicle is being chased by a flying elephant not three feet from the rear. Next to you, a flashing UFO rises into the air until it hovers menacingly above you.

What do you do?

Answer:
Drink less booze and get off the children's carousel.

 

[Handley_Page]

The madam opened the brothel door in Butte and saw a rather dignified, a well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.
May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else ?", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row". Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Great Falls."
"Really ?," she said. "I have family in Great Falls."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister has died, and I am her attorney.
"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

More medical acronyms. These have all been used with an absolutely straight face on patients' medical charts:

LOBNH - lights on but nobody home; catatonic patient
TTFO - Told to f*ck off (timewaster)
CNS-QNS - Central nervous system, quantity not sufficient; dealing with an idiot
PHD - Pakinstani Healing Dance - a useless procedure carried out at the patient's family's insistence
DBI - Dirt-Bag Index; the number of tattoos multiplied by the number of missing teeth to give an estimate of days since the patient last had a bath
SOCDFO - Standing on corner drunk, fell over
PAFGT - Picked a fight, got thumped
Freud Squad - Psychiatric Unit
RFG-VAC - Ready for God, vultures are circling - death is imminent
CTD - Circling the drain
Brothel Sprouts - Genital Warts
NS-JBM - Not sick, just bloody miserable
DSB - Drug-seeking behavior; addict on the make/hypochondriac
APTFRAN - Apply pillow to face, repeat as necessary
CII - Chrome-Induced Ischemia - sudden condition brought on by being handcuffed
ART - Assuming Room Temperature (dead...)
BOHICA - Bend over, here it comes again
BTSOOM - Beats The Shit out of me
BVA - Breathing Valuable Air
CRAFT - Can't Remember A F*cking Thing
Dagenham - Crazy; based on London Underground District Line map; Three stops beyond Barking...
DILLIGAF - Do I Look Like I Give A F*ck
DIIK - Damned if I know...
Eiffel Syndrome - Removing object from rectum ('I fell on it...')
GTMJACB - Gone to meet Jesus, ain't coming back (dead)
IWB - Intercourse with biscuits (f*cking crackers)
HVLI - High Velocity Lead Injection (gunshot wound)

 

[Dingo_Triplesix]

That´s the reason I avoid any contact with the health system and its protagonists, if possible somehow...

 

[LexxRuthless]

Our family got hit with COVID a few weeks back. Fortunately, we all had fairly mild symptoms. While we were in quarantine, I regularly checked on my wife and our 15-year-old daughter. We are all feeling better now, but that quarantine yielded this little gem:

I went upstairs to check in on my wife. She was lying in bed watching TV. I brought her some tea, and she asked if our daughter was up.
I said, "Yeah. She had some donuts for breakfast, and I took her vitamins to her because she forgot. She said they tasted like licorice."
My wife said, "Yeah, that happens. Welcome to COVID-Land."
Then I said, "I took her a cold glass of apple juice to wash it down. She said it tasted like vodka."
Right on cue, my wife said, "How does she know what vodka tastes like?!?"
I went on with, "I took a sip. I think it's alcoholic apple cider, instead of apple juice."
She said, "Wait, are you serious?"
I kept going, with, "I just wonder why half the bottle was already gone."
My wife: "Seriously?!?"
Me: "Nah. I was making a joke. Well -- except for the vitamins tasting like licorice."
My wife: "Asshole!"

 

[Handley_Page]

One dark and stormy night, a traveling salesmen is wending his weary way home when his car gives up on him. After a few minutes of swearing and kicking the tyres he sets off in the direction of a distant light. As he approaches he realizes it's a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.
He knocks on the door, which is answered by an attractive woman. The salesman explains his predicament and asks if he can stay the night.
"Yes" answers the lady "but I must tell you first, we have a spare room ready made up, I have no daughters, only sons, my husband and I are happily married, the barns are all well lit and as we are an arable farm, we have no animals to speak of".
The salesman looked puzzled and said "Bu66er, I'm in the wrong joke!"

 

[jehoram]

Yeah, I know this has been posted before, but it's too good not to repost:

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[Handley_Page]

This happened at a New York Airport.

This airline gate agent deserves an award for how she handled a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first who were in front of you; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."


Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain...
Credit : Tom Anderton

 

[Handley_Page]

Two pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The old man is banging away at the woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could 5hag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody 5hag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you 5hag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that feckin fence wasn't electrified."

 

[Sammael Bard]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a train car on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thought, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

The blonde thought, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”

The Frenchman thought, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”

The Englishman thought, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”